Getting "Over" An Ex

Kasunex

Kasunex

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
So I'm back after some absence with another relationship related post.

To this point, I've been in two relationships. My second lasted two months and was solely online, so my experience is overwhelmingly dominated by my first which lasted two years. The relationship was... troubled, to say the least. My ex had Borderline and was clinically suicidal, manipulative, and completely non-functioning as an adult. I struggled to keep the relationship alive despite both that and massive trust problems that gave me constant stress.

It's been two years since we split. Yet, I still am not sure if I'm "over" her. Any talk about relationships will inevitably bring her up, and I do often find myself missing some aspect or another of our relationship here and there. However, I'm not sure if this is because my experience is so disproportionately effected by her, or if it's a sign I'm still not past her.

Either way, I'm not sure how to move forward with this.
 
Sorry you're going through this. We can't always control who our heart attaches to. The trouble is when we want to change things about the past, the context or even them. WE LOVE THEM AND WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE SMOOTH

It's what drives people mad about love, frankly. The best thing you can do is focus on other things. Tangible goals with your health, education or career. Travel or master something

It's not easy, though. Sometimes we need closure as well to move forward. How do you feel about your closure with the situation? What would make you feel like you have a path forward?
 
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The worst part about these experiences is that everyone has their own time for getting past things. INFJs can have it especially bad. After my fiancee died it literally took me about 10 years to get over it. We can be glacially dlow about things.

The only you can do is keep busy, try not to dwell on it, and create meaning in your life - goals, new projects, etc.

Talking to someone may help, if you can find such a person.

Or not. I had to limit the talking because I would just get more upset.
 
Kasunex said:
So I'm back after some absence with another relationship related post.

To this point, I've been in two relationships. My second lasted two months and was solely online, so my experience is overwhelmingly dominated by my first which lasted two years. The relationship was... troubled, to say the least. My ex had Borderline and was clinically suicidal, manipulative, and completely non-functioning as an adult. I struggled to keep the relationship alive despite both that and massive trust problems that gave me constant stress.

It's been two years since we split. Yet, I still am not sure if I'm "over" her. Any talk about relationships will inevitably bring her up, and I do often find myself missing some aspect or another of our relationship here and there. However, I'm not sure if this is because my experience is so disproportionately effected by her, or if it's a sign I'm still not past her.

Either way, I'm not sure how to move forward with this.
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Sorry to hear you're going through this. Have you considered going on dates?

Sometimes the best way to get over an ex is to meet someone new and exciting — someone with whom to feel butterflies again.
 
It's hard to tell.

It can be a challenge to move on from tumultuous relationships. Not for everyone, but some people can really struggle. These kinds of partnerships usually demand heaps of self-erasure to facilitate the development of various coping mechanisms, and, without a demanding partner to accommodate, you can feel bereft because you've been molded and shaped to fit their specifications. Not to mention, after living in such a high stress environment for so long, a regular, healthy normal life might not provide that same level of excitement ...and it can take some time to recover from that kind of trauma.

Of course, there's always the possibility that genuine feelings still exist too. It could be both.

At the end of the day, though, what does it matter? If you've been broken up for two years now and, you know the relationship was no good for you, the way is forward. People come in shades of grey. Everyone has good and bad aspects to them, and emotional maturity means you recognize that no matter what, your ex is still human. There was a reason you fell in love and stayed with them. You can still care about them and fondly remember their positive qualities while understanding that the sum of all their parts makes them not good for you as a partner. It's perfectly ok to miss and love the human that you were so close to once... but that doesn't mean its a 'sign' that you're meant to be together.

Maybe you're having such a hard time moving on is because you haven't made peace with the relationship and haven't offered compassion to the memory of your ex while you were in the process of getting out of the relationship. Now that you've had some time and distance, you can integrate the good and take the bad as a lesson and simply see this as another segment in your life. @MINFJToothFairy's letter burning ritual can help with this.

In the meantime, I agree with everyone else in the thread. You have to find a way to forget them for a while... or find something or someone else to focus on. Eventually, as more time goes by and you gather new experiences and become a new person, it won't be that bad.
 
You need to move on. By your own description, she was a bit of a mess.

The best advice is to work on yourself, both psychologically and contextually, i.e improving your life on different dimension. I don't know how old you are, but if you in 18-26 range, focus on education or developing a vision for the future work. I feel that for people in that age range, focusing on education and work vision should be of meta importance. Without that you are just floating along.

I think if you are strong enough and your life is going places, this 2 years old romances would simply lose any importance. But if you have too much free time for daydreaming, your brain will bring it up too often.
 
philostam said:
Basically, I don't think you can think yourself out of this situation.

Rumination and daydreaming will only make it worse. Only action and working hard for your future can distract you enough. And of course finding someone else, as other already mentioned.
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I second that.
 
philostam said:
Basically, I don't think you can think yourself out of this situation.

Rumination and daydreaming will only make it worse. Only action and working hard for your future can distract you enough. And of course finding someone else, as other already mentioned.
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I third this. New goals, new projects, and focus on them.
 
She was a part of your life and you will always have those memories and connections with her. You may very well be over her, but are just reliving memories, for the good or bad. Acknowledge the memories for what they are when they resurface, avoid any triggers when possible, and just let them be; they are just memories after all. They will pass. Overtime, you will have fewer and fewer of these moments and you will be much better. I wish you the best.
 
ohh tricky.. :neutral:
You are not only breaking up with her, you are also breaking up with her BPD. Her BPD was unfair and at times abusive. That in itself you can only recover from with a lot of self love where you invest in yourself.

Her, you might need to grief but then at the same time differentiating between both and healing from that is tricky and not as clear cut as breaking up with someone that doesn’t have a disorder.

I’m really sorry you went through this. It’s not easy so I think that you investing in yourself and focusing on yourself is the best you can do. Sure, find rebounds or new relationships but in the end of the day you will only bring your experience from the previous relationship and project that onto the new.

Your last relationship might be a good indication that you aren’t ready as the online presence might give you a certain barrier as you are trying to heal. But then what do I know?

I do however feel that you need to grief and heal from both ‘her’ as well has ‘her BPD’. It will take time but use that time wisely in becoming healthier and content with yourself and your experience.
I really wish you will find a peace of mind.:<3yellow:
 
Dude, I'm a workaholic.

If I were you, I wouldn't stay exclusively focused on your professional life but I would at least try to stay busy with things that are meaningful to you. You can have a healthy relationship but you've got to be healthy yourself.

God bless you.
 
Aneirin said:
This is where the door slam comes in real handy. . slam it and be done. . then begin to heal yourself and take away from it the lesson it was designed to teach
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First off I would like to see this part of the thread continue, so if it needs split off (pun NOT intended) would the Admin. PLEASE do that?

THIS is why I am here! I am going to Cliff notes this part until I see if there is any interest in the whole story. Knew the woman in 2001 (yes we just got electricity) started helping her in 2004 .......a LOT (a lot) transpires in 6-9 months she "leaves" - physically. From the very beginning virtually everyone said, throw her under the bus (most were hypothetically, I think a couple may have meant literally.) Slamming the door was advocated on a number of occasions, I resisted because........I knew there was a lesson to learn and I did NOT want the lesson to get worse.

I spent a GREAT deal of effort dealing with the aftermath, her chaos and the lesson. Therapy, meetings, even went to a seminar for Professionals on BPD.
After a couple of YEARS things calmed down.....however, from time to time my wife would see her energy field checking in on us. Kept working the issues and thought some of it had been dealt with......until........last week and she is "energetically" back in the picture....ugh.
I have not even said hello to her in 15 years. To further complicate the BPD, at the beginning she was saying we were twinflames.

And yes, that is the Cliff notes version......sordid details left out to protect the innocent.

Larry
 
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