Female infp going through hard time with infj male

Hi, from what I'm reading, this man is almost twice your age. That's not always an issue, but it is a big one when one or both people in the relationship still don't know who they are.

Not focusing on him, but on you... you gave clear wording here that you are not happy and comfortable with who you are yet. You need time to grow that self confidence and love that in turn will allow you to properly love another and they can look up to you just as you can look up to them. That is the foundation for a great relationship.

My advice: if you can, keep him at arm's length, no dates, nothing. Take a few years to build up and explore your life and create a path to go down that is not dependent on a significant other. Love yourself and love will follow.

While you're at it, stay and chat here. The residents around these parts are a little odd, but are warm, intelligent and funny.

 

So he had a problem with you going back to your family and caring for your little bro? Why? How did you deceive him in this?

You shouldn't have to choose between your family and your love interest. That's concerning.

Why should you need to walk on eggshells and prove yourself to him? His past relationship problems should not come into play with you. And if they do, and you have to prove yourself-- then he is not ready for a relationship. He has to do the work to move on. You are not responsible for what other people have done to him and he should not be comparing you to people from his past. Things sound emotionally volatile which is not a good sign.

Sorry to say it but this seems dysfunctional at the start. I think it sounds like you are very concerned with being who he wants you to be, when he should just accept you and your situation as is. If he can't deal with that then it is not the time or not the right relationship.

 

If I were him I wouldn't be so emotionally invested in you, you're 20 years old and he's 40. He needs to relax.

 

You deserve to have connection with other human beings, and it's possible for you to have this connection without changing who you are in any way. You are capable of being loved unconditionally for exactly who you are. If this relationship is meant to be you don't have to do anything; it will resolve itself. If it doesn't resolve itself then you have your answer.

 

Work on it but don't work on it too hard. Identity is an illusion you'll never know who you are because you'll constantly be changing. If you ever have a firm identity and unshakable beliefs that's when it's time to reevaluate yourself if you might be preventing yourself from growth and expansion. Nobody really knows anything, we are all just guessing, anybody who tells you different is lying to you or themselves... Maybe both!

 

Sounds pretty complicated. I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be with an older man who has these expectations of you and you build yourself around them. It's hard not to want to be that person but you're right. It's an illusion. That's kind of the dynamic I'm seeing here. No two people are going to function the same way and as one person. Even in a great relationship. It always takes communication and being open and working at things. I'm glad you are able to question and see it. I hope you can come away from this with a strong sense of who you are and what you bring to a relationship. Don't let anyone define that for you.

 

Very on board with all the posts you've been making lately @slant .. they all just seem to be about where I am right now .. thank you!

 

Not sure it really matters, but INFP here! Being 40 doesn't mean someone is emotionally mature or irresponsible. This does not sound like a great healthy emotional relationship. My concern for you is that it sounds as if you feel you owe it to him to be what he wants you to be, just as others have pointed out. No, no, no, no.

Sometimes, we see people who we first connect with, in a special way, with blinders. He may not even realize that his expectations are extremely unhealthy and unfair to you. Regardless, passive-aggressiveness has nothing to do with love. It's manipulative.

You are also blaming yourself way too much for his expectations or how he feels. That's not good. It's ok to put your family first. It's not your job to make up for what he's lost because of the experiences he's had with others. That's not your responsibility. The fact that he is making you feel responsible for his issues with trust is manipulative if not emotionally abusive. It's making you feel obligated in a way that you shouldn't. You're a separate person from him despite the love or feelings of attachment. You are not at fault for his issues. I would like to suggest this as a statement to repeat to yourself until you believe it - You are NOT responsible for anyone's feelings or issues. It's not your responsibility to make up for bad experiences he's had with others. Being emotionally healthy and mature means not blaming or holding others accountable for our own personal issues or problems. As @slant stated, nobody defines you. You are a separate person. You are not responsible for what another person feels or thinks. And if he doesn't understand this and keeps making you feel responsible, then he's not being an emotionally responsible or supportive partner, and the relationship won't be as satisfying for either of you. People who love you will make you feel free, not in bondage or chains to their expectations, or how they feel or think. You should always have a choice in a healthy relationship. I'm sorry but you deserve better. You sound like a kind, caring, giving, and forgiving person. A good partner would never make you choose between yourself and your family, especially considering your family situation. They will respect you as a separate person who exists outside of the relationship.

 

I think this may be why it doesn’t work. Mainly because this IS completely true. No one can ever fully know who they are, but in contrast infps know exactly why they’re feeling which is a product of their thoughts and ultimately what they understand about themselves and who they are as an individual.

 

this guy sounds like a bit of a mess. . it's not your job to be everything for him. . if he doesn't get helping one's family. .he is not worth the emotional output. .that is pretty basic to being a decent human.

 

Lady- NO.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

You are blinded by your feelings. This dude won’t support you caring for your family. Period. End of conversation. Every thing about his reactions are a GIANT red flag. Passive aggressive behaviors, allowing you to apologize and beg for his understanding and forgiveness. HELL NO.

You need to go and grow into that big heart of yours. There is nothing wrong with it but you have to find ways to make sure that whomever you give it to will cherish and care for it. The right guy will be sending you love letters because you are the kind of woman who gives a shit about her family and puts her money where her mouth is.
He may be awesome in every other situation (although I doubt it somehow - he’s trying to manipulate and control an obviously sweet and caring 24yo. I am in that age range- I don’t mess with young guys- it’s not fair- the balance is way off- it’s not cool the way he is behaving). He is not being awesome to you.

work on yourself until you know why the way he is being is not ok.