Female infp going through hard time with infj male | INFJ Forum

Female infp going through hard time with infj male

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Lilflower, Jul 8, 2020.

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  1. Lilflower

    Lilflower Three

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    Hello everybody, I'm new here x)
    I want to precise that english is not my native language so sorry for the mistakes lol

    So, I'm a young INFP girl of 24, and I met my amazing INFJ man of 40. We met on febrary, and starting dating in april. Thé connexion was absolutely insane, incredible. We fell in love deeply, but our social condition dont allow us to fully live our story.
    Well, the first month was like was like a honeymoon. After that, problems of communication started to arise. He is my first love, and I know that all these years, he's been struggling with betrayals, déception, and began to not have faithbin human anymore. But he told me when we started dating, that I was the First to ever understand him, completly. And he confessed that he want to show who he truly is, and that he isnt affraid of me.

    But actually, I have such a lack of self confidence, that I couldnt understand how he would ever love somone like me.
    Moreover, the fact that I fully understand how unsafe he feels about people, make me want to act like the one Who will never deceive him. By the way, he always told me that it would be difficult for him to fully trust me, due to his experiences.

    But unfortunatly, I deceived him one time. I went back to my family, which is kind of complicated, with a little brother disabled. Before, I've explained to him my familial situation, but also told him that it would not have much more impact on our relationship. I really meant it, because I was so in this amazing love mood. But the reality hit hard. When he would call, I'd be busy with my little brother, but I wouldntry my Best to isolate myself as soons as possible. But after around after 4 days, he started to have a passive agressive comportement, which impacted me, because I had the feeling he wouldnt not understand my situation. So I told him that I would like him to understand better how difficult it is for me, and Im still trying my best to keep it how it was before going back to family. At this moment, he let me understand that Im similar to thé other people, and that he needed to be alone. After this discussion, he kept acting the same way with me.

    But since that day, I've started to doubt à lot about myself, and the fact that Im like the other people who deceived him. Never evr I would do that intentionally. So I would act in almost perfect way, to not hurt him. But the fact that I know my actions, my words, are over analysed to protect himself, makes me even doubt of my sincerity for him. Maybe in the way I acted, between thé line, hé would feel that im not secoure for him ? This hauted me, and I've started walking on eggshells, not being myself anymore so I would not hurt him. But obviously, he would feel it, which would make it harder for him to trust me.
    Today, he got angry, and told me he doesnt want any pity from anyone, and when he decide to ahead, he acts, and doesnt dwell in the past.

    Im so sad, I can see that the lack of selfconfidence and confidence create a huge gap between us that I m affraid, will cost our relationship. And it makes me sick
    Please... Do you think there is any chance to save our amazing relationship ?

    So sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading
     
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  2. MoonFlier

    MoonFlier Permanent Fixture

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    Hi, from what I'm reading, this man is almost twice your age. That's not always an issue, but it is a big one when one or both people in the relationship still don't know who they are.

    Not focusing on him, but on you... you gave clear wording here that you are not happy and comfortable with who you are yet. You need time to grow that self confidence and love that in turn will allow you to properly love another and they can look up to you just as you can look up to them. That is the foundation for a great relationship.

    My advice: if you can, keep him at arm's length, no dates, nothing. Take a few years to build up and explore your life and create a path to go down that is not dependent on a significant other. Love yourself and love will follow.

    While you're at it, stay and chat here. The residents around these parts are a little odd, but are warm, intelligent and funny.
     
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  3. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    So he had a problem with you going back to your family and caring for your little bro? Why? How did you deceive him in this?

    You shouldn't have to choose between your family and your love interest. That's concerning.

    Why should you need to walk on eggshells and prove yourself to him? His past relationship problems should not come into play with you. And if they do, and you have to prove yourself-- then he is not ready for a relationship. He has to do the work to move on. You are not responsible for what other people have done to him and he should not be comparing you to people from his past. Things sound emotionally volatile which is not a good sign.

    Sorry to say it but this seems dysfunctional at the start. I think it sounds like you are very concerned with being who he wants you to be, when he should just accept you and your situation as is. If he can't deal with that then it is not the time or not the right relationship.
     
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  4. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    If I were him I wouldn't be so emotionally invested in you, you're 20 years old and he's 40. He needs to relax.
     
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  5. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Lol.

    [​IMG]
     
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  6. slant

    slant Ruby Adoraboobie

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    You deserve to have connection with other human beings, and it's possible for you to have this connection without changing who you are in any way. You are capable of being loved unconditionally for exactly who you are. If this relationship is meant to be you don't have to do anything; it will resolve itself. If it doesn't resolve itself then you have your answer.
     
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  7. OP
    Lilflower

    Lilflower Three

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    Hey, thank you for replying, and yes ! I've planned to stay a bit more and to get to know you here !

    Well, I think you're right, this is something I actually knew. That despite how it might looked, I was definitely not mature enough yet to build a solid relationship with anyone. Most of all someone twice my age who has also strong confidence issue. But I don't know, at this time, we brought to each other something we've never received from anyone : understanding, compassion and respect. And so it made us lose our mind, and going on this dangerous path.

    I definitely now need to focus on myself, and mature in every aspect. I notice that my behaviour may be toxic, due to possible atachment issue. I got to deal with this.
    But never I will blame him for what happened. He tries his best to understand me. But I can't stand the fact that supporting and understanding is hurting him more. This is not what he needed and why he started this relationship.
    Anyway, I should prioritize myself and heal.

    Well, what happened, is that before I went to my family, he asked me how I was considering the new rythm that we would adopt to communicate. By this question, he thought I would answer bearing in mind in the same way all the parameters he was actually seeing and anticipating ; because we're supposed to be alike and fonction in the same way. But at the moment, I didn't fully understand the meaning of the question, because I was so in a mood love. Being with him was like I would be able to brave this world and all the difficulties. So I told him we would be able to keep the rythm, I would just have to isolate myself. But actually, I was constently disturbed, and it became hard to make our discussion fluid during the day as before.

    So when I told him, that I would like him to understand better, it felt like shouting out all his feelings, and not considering how much he would have cared about me. It was like I was part of the other world. He felt like in spite of blaming him for not understanding, because he actually cared more than I could imagine, I should have had understand intuitively, since we are the same, that his passive agressive comportment was actually due to the fact that he could fully understand what's going, and he was just waiting for me to tell him that we should adjust the situation. And he told me that if even me I act this way with him, despite our connection, it's only because he is the one who has the problem, and that he needs to be alone. And he told me that he was too needy with me, and he had to stop this, so I would not leave him like the others. So I understood that he kind of would not totally be hismself anymore to protect himself. All of that hit me SO hard and created a tsunami of emotions. I started to blame myself and thought he would not love me as before, and I was not legitimate anymore for him.

    Actually, due to the connection we had, I think he thought I would be the one who would be able to fully understand him, and providing him a safe place from this world. Because we opened to each other in a way we never ever did with anyone else. We would create our own world. I definitely believed I would be able to do that along the time, until it appeared that I might not be as safe as it looked. And, despite him reassuring me after this, telling me that my comportment was normal, I'm young, etc, I saw and felt these walls growing up from him. And that made me sick. And the more this feeling growing, the more I would adopt lack of self confidence, and trying everything I could to not hurt him. On myself, it's like I was ashame that I couldn't assume my role anymore. Like healing him you see. And while I'm writting this and analyse the situation, I would say that's not love. That's an illusion of love. I'm just reapeting the scheme I was confronted to with when I was younger.

    Well there would be SO much to say, but to resume ... I'm affraid that you guys are right ... that's gonna be very difficult for us to be together ...
     
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  8. OP
    Lilflower

    Lilflower Three

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    Hello,
    yes, so true .... but before I should actually work on myself to get meet who I really am ...
     
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  9. slant

    slant Ruby Adoraboobie

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    Work on it but don't work on it too hard. Identity is an illusion you'll never know who you are because you'll constantly be changing. If you ever have a firm identity and unshakable beliefs that's when it's time to reevaluate yourself if you might be preventing yourself from growth and expansion. Nobody really knows anything, we are all just guessing, anybody who tells you different is lying to you or themselves... Maybe both!
     
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  10. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    Sounds pretty complicated. I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be with an older man who has these expectations of you and you build yourself around them. It's hard not to want to be that person but you're right. It's an illusion. That's kind of the dynamic I'm seeing here. No two people are going to function the same way and as one person. Even in a great relationship. It always takes communication and being open and working at things. I'm glad you are able to question and see it. I hope you can come away from this with a strong sense of who you are and what you bring to a relationship. Don't let anyone define that for you.
     
    #10 acd, Jul 9, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2020
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  11. JustPhil

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    Very on board with all the posts you've been making lately @slant .. they all just seem to be about where I am right now .. thank you!
     
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  12. Gaze

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    Not sure it really matters, but INFP here! :) Being 40 doesn't mean someone is emotionally mature or irresponsible. This does not sound like a great healthy emotional relationship. My concern for you is that it sounds as if you feel you owe it to him to be what he wants you to be, just as others have pointed out. No, no, no, no.

    Sometimes, we see people who we first connect with, in a special way, with blinders. He may not even realize that his expectations are extremely unhealthy and unfair to you. Regardless, passive-aggressiveness has nothing to do with love. It's manipulative.

    You are also blaming yourself way too much for his expectations or how he feels. That's not good. It's ok to put your family first. It's not your job to make up for what he's lost because of the experiences he's had with others. That's not your responsibility. The fact that he is making you feel responsible for his issues with trust is manipulative if not emotionally abusive. It's making you feel obligated in a way that you shouldn't. You're a separate person from him despite the love or feelings of attachment. You are not at fault for his issues. I would like to suggest this as a statement to repeat to yourself until you believe it - You are NOT responsible for anyone's feelings or issues. It's not your responsibility to make up for bad experiences he's had with others. Being emotionally healthy and mature means not blaming or holding others accountable for our own personal issues or problems. As @slant stated, nobody defines you. You are a separate person. You are not responsible for what another person feels or thinks. And if he doesn't understand this and keeps making you feel responsible, then he's not being an emotionally responsible or supportive partner, and the relationship won't be as satisfying for either of you. People who love you will make you feel free, not in bondage or chains to their expectations, or how they feel or think. You should always have a choice in a healthy relationship. I'm sorry but you deserve better. You sound like a kind, caring, giving, and forgiving person. A good partner would never make you choose between yourself and your family, especially considering your family situation. They will respect you as a separate person who exists outside of the relationship.

    [​IMG]
     
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  13. KimChiRx

    KimChiRx Lucky

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    I think this may be why it doesn’t work. Mainly because this IS completely true. No one can ever fully know who they are, but in contrast infps know exactly why they’re feeling which is a product of their thoughts and ultimately what they understand about themselves and who they are as an individual.
     
  14. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    this guy sounds like a bit of a mess. . it's not your job to be everything for him. . if he doesn't get helping one's family. .he is not worth the emotional output. .that is pretty basic to being a decent human.
     
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  15. Dopamine

    Dopamine Community Member

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    Lady- NO.

    NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

    You are blinded by your feelings. This dude won’t support you caring for your family. Period. End of conversation. Every thing about his reactions are a GIANT red flag. Passive aggressive behaviors, allowing you to apologize and beg for his understanding and forgiveness. HELL NO.

    You need to go and grow into that big heart of yours. There is nothing wrong with it but you have to find ways to make sure that whomever you give it to will cherish and care for it. The right guy will be sending you love letters because you are the kind of woman who gives a shit about her family and puts her money where her mouth is.
    He may be awesome in every other situation (although I doubt it somehow - he’s trying to manipulate and control an obviously sweet and caring 24yo. I am in that age range- I don’t mess with young guys- it’s not fair- the balance is way off- it’s not cool the way he is behaving). He is not being awesome to you.

    work on yourself until you know why the way he is being is not ok.
     
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  16. Gaze

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    [​IMG]
     
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