Feeling paralyzed about working

uzbirn

uzbirn

Newbie
MBTI
INFP
Hey, I'm just not sure where to talk about this. I can't trust many people in my life, so I'd rather go for this in a forum board of INFJs, since I can notice some tendency to empathy here, indeed. If it may come to some as too much of a rant, I'm sorry in advance about it.

It took me years to struggle with a STEM bachelors (after a couple of years where I was clueless about what to do in life after high school, nobody was of much help back then as well). I finished it despite severe depression and failed therapies, swallowing uneasy bouts of optimism, telling myself I'd eventually get adapted somehow, despite my personality disorders, into the job market.

Now it turns out not only I couldn't, but I feel sheerly incompetent to insist and go further with it. I feel anxious about doing anything related to it, and seeing most of people going on with their careers, everyday and everywhere, for months, feels a bit too much. I've told myself that it should eventually go out, but if I can't even act on it, as if my will got depleted as my trust in others. I think I lost control, and my savings are starting to drain seriously, running out of time and all that.

I've been growing up the idea of escaping the professional world, figuring out to find myself an austere niche of some simple, low-skilled and repetitive job that'd allow me some flexibility in case things turn bad. But being bombed with threats about AI development, low wages, regrets, etc, makes me feel even more trapped and naively moronic.

To be honest, I don't actually want help or advice (words rarely have helped me in the past), but more of wanting to know more about similar fates and feelings I think others must have gone through. I don't want to take them as an example to follow, but just to know they exist.
 
I'd always wanted to do music since I was a kid, so I picked up various instruments and studied it for at least 6 years in school. By the time I graduated university, I felt like running and hiding whenever I thought of performing on stage and didn't want to sing anymore for fear of mistakes. I couldn't even listen to music with vocals because I'd start analyzing and comparing and beating myself for not being able to do what the singer does. So there went my dream for creating music and performing after school. I feared judgement from both others and myself so bad it sucked the joy from my passion that I had for over ten years. I considered ways of escape I never considered before whenever I thought I had to perform. I was afraid people would think I was faking it and had zero talent.

I found a job after graduation that wasn't a "professional" music industry job, but it was still related to music in an office where I could earn a stable salary until I learnt to cope with the anxiety and that all the baggage that I picked up over the years. I compromised then, but I worked through - still working through - what I was dealing with, and I like to think I'm making progress. Sometimes I still look around at my fellow students then and even those without training and think why they do so well with music while I still struggle. But, I let myself breathe and be imperfect. We're all on our own journeys. Enjoy yours.

It's a different working industry, I know, but I hope relating this helped.
 
Well I'm glad you're not looking for advice as I don't really have any other than it can get better.

I've been underemployed/unemployed most of my adult life. I studied Philosophy and English Lit in college. Spent years unsure where to go, what to do with my life. Went from one short term job to another. Spent a lot of time lost in depression and self-hatred.

Like it said it can get better, and it did for me. I went back to school, studied something that interested me and offered various avenues of employment. And now I'm working an industry which I feel invested in and pays fairly well. But the fact is, it still isn't easy. Those years spent in a employment black hole warps you a bit, does some serious damage to your self-image. And there are times when I feel the same way you do. Mornings where I want to quit my job and go into something simple and low stress. It took so much to get where I am and sometimes I wonder whether if it was really worth it.

But those thoughts only occur from time to time. I suppose all I can I do is hope I made the right choice. Not a uplifting end to the post, but it is what it is.
 
I have been there. I figured out a way to go back to school and changed careers. I went into debt to do it but it was an excellent decision.

Figure out what matters to you. Education? Community service? Writing? Then look at whether you can use your skills and education to work in that area in some way. You might be able to.
 
This was probably one of the best OP's I've ever read. Interesting story and then direct and reasonable about the type of reply he's looking for. Kudos to you.
 
You are not alone. Since starting my career around 20 years ago I have forced myself to endure the endless stream of bullshit that inevitably accompanies the modern career. It's gotten better for me in some ways and worse in others. I can say without hesitation that modern business (at least in the US, and I would suspect in the remainder of the western world) is geared toward the strengths of certain personality types and that INs (aside possibly INTJs) tend to struggle more than others to fit in. I have managed to carve out a manageable career in a field with moderately high demand and adequate compensation. Even so, every day is a struggle in its own way as I'm compelled to fit into a box that doesn't suit my true self whatsoever. I also freely admit that luck has had just as much to do with where I am as skill.
 
uzbirn said:
Hey, I'm just not sure where to talk about this. I can't trust many people in my life, so I'd rather go for this in a forum board of INFJs, since I can notice some tendency to empathy here, indeed. If it may come to some as too much of a rant, I'm sorry in advance about it.

It took me years to struggle with a STEM bachelors (after a couple of years where I was clueless about what to do in life after high school, nobody was of much help back then as well). I finished it despite severe depression and failed therapies, swallowing uneasy bouts of optimism, telling myself I'd eventually get adapted somehow, despite my personality disorders, into the job market.

Now it turns out not only I couldn't, but I feel sheerly incompetent to insist and go further with it. I feel anxious about doing anything related to it, and seeing most of people going on with their careers, everyday and everywhere, for months, feels a bit too much. I've told myself that it should eventually go out, but if I can't even act on it, as if my will got depleted as my trust in others. I think I lost control, and my savings are starting to drain seriously, running out of time and all that.

I've been growing up the idea of escaping the professional world, figuring out to find myself an austere niche of some simple, low-skilled and repetitive job that'd allow me some flexibility in case things turn bad. But being bombed with threats about AI development, low wages, regrets, etc, makes me feel even more trapped and naively moronic.

To be honest, I don't actually want help or advice (words rarely have helped me in the past), but more of wanting to know more about similar fates and feelings I think others must have gone through. I don't want to take them as an example to follow, but just to know they exist.
Click to expand...

You kind of remind of the scene in the movie Jobs when Steve says "I just can't work for other people". The job market sucks, everybody is out for themselves, you can't trust anyone, you're right. Just have to find a way to survive, be politically correct to the point of puking, then rebel, start your own business or hobby, get rich and stick it up everyone's you know what. I'm 41 years old and still trying to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up. Right now just trying to be the best Dad & Husband I could be without losing myself in it all. You will find your way if you want to, INFJ's always do.
 
Many work environments suck. They drain your life and soul.

People have to have income though. You may hate it but what's the alternative?

I can only suggest find some thing you are interested in or actually like to do. Either get a job doing that or... make a job doing that.
I've been underemployeed for a long time. My last job was intensely infuriating. Not only that but that company deliberately screwed with peoples hours to make it difficult for them to do anything that could help them leave.
Best of luck to you.
 
Everyone is a bit nervous about entering the job market... I was too... flitted from crap job to crap job. I waited 7 years for the job I wanted during a wage freeze, no hiring years and then they offered me something I didn't really want... but it was an in... I joined the infantry, got yelled at, my drill sergeant yelled at me... do you hate me!!! I said "No sergeant... your just doing your job...." He got frustrated and went busted someone else's balls.... got my basic and left the military said "hated it" went to university found out the professors were idiots on some of the most basic concepts in my 3rd year after going to 3 different schools... Went back to the military in a trade I wanted for 14 ish years, travelled the world, got injured and got a gov't job. Now, I'm waiting for gold to go up and triple or so, my meager stake in it, sell it and move to Thailand with my wife and child, buy some cheap land that you don't have to pay tax on.... build a house of mud (apparently they are pretty nice) close to a village where a English speaking guy who became a Buddhist monk, so I can learn more about being a Buddhist and see if he has any secrets of life that I haven't already figured out.... Also, I'm going to farm my own food so I don't have to eat that gross packaged food anymore and learn more about the mysterious thai people.

In life you have good times and bad times and I've learned a few major life lessons:

Don't follow the sheep

If you feel something is not in balance, find new and interesting ways to balance it because your a special person

Chaos theory is awesome because if a butterfly can cause a hurricane halfway across the world... what are you going to do by living your life....? You affect the world in ways you will never know... even hanging out in your basement curled up in a ball.

If life gives you lemons, squirt life in the eye with those lemons... that'll learn em ;) <stupid lemons>

Other people can be a cheerleader but YOU have to be the one to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with life.

Get rid of your life crutches, they will only hold you down...

Get you some of that True Grit....

Avoid the Negativity death spiral.... Life gives you more of what you think of... if you react poorly to a situation you get more of that situation until it beats you so bad, you don't know you been beat so bad.... and you hit rock bottom... no place to go but up... You can also have a positive life spiral....

If you think that this was advice... then oops my bad... I'm half joking... apparently we do that... but your good life starts with a smile.... and If I did anything today... I hope I just made you smile ;)
 
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I greatly despise the plantation that is the work place here in the states that basically amounts to nothing more than subsistence wages and perpetual debt slavery unless one is fortunate enough to have wormed thy way into the middle and upper classes without a mountain of debt in the form of student loans, mortgage, and possibly medical bills ect.
 
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