Feeling defective; a rant

[poetrygirl]

All my life I have felt like I was somehow defective in some way that I didn't know how. I go from thinking I have an understanding of the world to believing I am most likely one of it's stupidest residents. I take all non constructive criticism personally especially if it's aimed at my personal thought process rather than the quality of my work. I can't seem to handle being picked on or belittled in any way on the inside ,because it confirms my suspicions and worst fears.

I've been told countless times that I'm a good writer but I'm deafly afraid to show most people my work outside of my confront zone. I fear looking like a fool and being too stupid to not understand what about it makes it deficient. When people do complement what I do; I believe that they are being too nice or judging me based on low standards of their expectations of me. My self esteem issues are also starting to effect my writing. I feel obligated to shallow the emotional complexities of my characters or writing style in order to make them more acceptable to an audience ,because I feel that what I write is a peak into my own soul and showing a part of myself would only put it up to be criticized.

I hate feeling this way I wish I could be one of those people who could just stand up with an attitude of "Yeah, I'm _____ and I don't give a *** what you think about it." As much as it may seem like that on the outside to some people I can't separate myself from this fear looming over my head. How can one restore their confidence without being able to fully trust their own reasoning?

Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

[Orion]

I write a lot too. It's a part of my career- I want to professionally write and direct films. But I don't write stories or novels, I write screenplays. I've been doing it since I was 13 and have worked with lots of people and been to lots of script writing clubs and sessions over the years.

A big thing for me about writing and self expression in general, is the courage needed to do it. I look up to musicians and lyricists in this respect- and other script writers, of course. Their ability to write about themselves unashamedly to a mass audience and to put their issues and lives into a song for people to hear, is brave- I guess all great artists do this. Richey Edwards from the Manics, he had everything wrong with him; anorexia, self harming, alcoholism, he was manic depressive etc. and his ability to write about himself and put himself in his lyrics was pretty amazing and massively inspiring.

I take all non constructive criticism personally especially if it's aimed at my personal thought process rather than the quality of my work. I can't seem to handle being picked on or belittled in any way on the inside ,because it confirms my suspicions and worst fears.

I had a problem with criticism when I was younger, fucking hated it. That's when I was angry and insecure, being deep in my teen angst. I took it as a personal attack. But I wasn't showing my work to the right people.

If it's non-constructive, then of course you would take offence. Why would someone insult you if you showed them your work? The only people I can think of who would do that to you is, 1. people who recognise your ability and are jealous, 2. People who in competition with you or, 3. People who don't like you full stop. Don't show your work to these people. Show them to people who you know will give your the constructive criticism you need. If you don't have anyone like that, then find them.

My self esteem issues are also starting to effect my writing. I feel obligated to shallow the emotional complexities of my characters or writing style in order to make them more acceptable to an audience

I'm sorry but, fuck that shit! This should be the opposite. You should be obligated to write your characters as honest and as real as you can, pertaining to your own experiences and feelings. Who are your audience, illiterate retards? Who wants to read a story with shallow characters? No one. Certainly no INFJ anyway! You have self esteem issues, great! Use it in your writing.

Because I feel that what I wright is a peak into my own soul and showing a part of myself would only put it up to be criticized.

Get used to it, that is what good writing is all about! As I've got older I've always had that black shadow over me: "What will people think when they read this?", "They'll see all my faults and problems and think I'm a freak!", "What if my family see's this?". It takes time but practice and development of your skills will make you more confident. What helps me is the knowledge that there are plenty of people before and after me all around the world, who will make films that are 10 times more weird and disturbing then I ever will. These people are fully grown adults and get paid for it! So nothing I say or do can really stratch the surface of the fucked-up-ness of the art form already!

I hate feeling this way I wish I could be one of those people who could just stand up with an attitude of "Yeah, I'm _____ and I don't give a *** what you think about it."

Like I said above, that is the challenge. Being capable of putting yourself in your writing and showing it to people is fucking scary, but that is the challenge, that is the skill and that is the art.

 

[Bored Now]

Ha, you SOUND like a writer. You should read the Artist's Way, if you haven't. It helped me when I was going through that angst. Or Rilke's Letter's to a Young Poet. That last one saved me in certain ways.

Other writers can be some of the most smug jealous, petty, vicious people in the world. All criticism isn't created equal, creative people can be surprisingly cruel when they feel threatened. Or when they feel superior.

Don't write for other people, it'll just make you insane. You'll be constantly trying to guess what people want and people are fickle and stupid. People are also sheep. Convince one smart and influential person that you're an awesome writer and watch everyone else line up to kiss your ass. If people don't get you, they will pretend they do. No one wants to look dumb. This is why you can't write for other people. Praise is a shallow and pretty whore. She can make you feel real good, but it doesn't mean anything.

Your only job as a writer is to be fucking brave. You have to be brave enough to not really give a shit. Because you will be rejected and lonely and you have to be tough. The fact that you're even inclined to write means you're a braver person than you know. You have to know yourself.

My advice is to submit your work and get used to rejection. Work through all the things that you're scared of. Join the NASTIEST harshest workshop you can find. Make collages out of your rejection slips. You need to find a way to numb yourself so you don't get caught up in your emotions. Why do you think there are so many drunks who write? This is the wrong way to numb yourself. Its the easy way.

But mostly, you have to give yourself permission to grow. If you're afraid to step out of your comfort zone, how are you going to grow beyond it? How do you know your comfort zone isn't much bigger if you scurry back to what's familiar. Growth hurts.

Ok this was completely pointless. Heh, sorry. Take what you can from my ramblings.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I agree with Bored Now. I've done a lot of creative stuff -- writing being one of them -- and quite frankly, it's a deep-cutting, painful process to get to any point of confidence.

Here's a few tips that might help (not just writing, but anything that has to do with stabs at the self-esteem):

First off, be able to tell the difference between good and bad criticism. Good criticism helps you grow; it teaches you how you can improve; it aims at construction. It's not meant to degrade you -- it's meant to help. Everyone can improve, so everyone can benefit from good criticism. BAD criticism, on the other hand, does not help in any way. It brings you down, but it doesn't give you any indication on how to get back up. Bad criticism can just be thrown out of the window -- ANYONE can improve, no matter what. Bad criticism is a sign that the critic is petty, ignorant, or any other thing of the like. It's really a sign of bad character that reflects on THEM, not you; in other words, if they can't give a good criticism, then they're probably not worth learning from.

Second, know how to accept criticism. If it's good criticism, then don't take it personally; look at it from the point of personal growth. "How can I use this to make me better?" Think in terms of how you can benefit positively, not how it makes you feel or that it's judgment. If it's bad criticism, throw it out of the window right away. Or better yet, use it as another reason to get better; someone thinks you're "not good enough" in some way or another? Well, show that asshole you can get better!

Thirdly, embrace the fact that no one's perfect. No one is born a great writer, artist, or even all around a great person. You have to BECOME that. If you approach someone with your writing, for instance, and tell them, "I'm working on improving" or "I know I'm not the best, but I want to get better" then they will probably not be judgmental at all. In fact, that usually makes it easier for people to be open, honest, and sincere. You might get some critiques, but if they're any sort of decent person, it won't be cruel -- it'll most likely be in the spirit of helping. But you have to take the initiative, and understand that you are on the same plane as everyone else -- only, unlike most people, you are working on bettering yourself. That puts you ahead almost automatically.

 

[Jana]

I How can one restore their confidence without being able to fully trust their own reasoning?

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Feeling of making no sense will pass (but it returns from time to time, I 've been there a lot).
Have you written anything here on forum (I'll look for it...), I promise I'll be honest. I'll give you my opinion.
You shouldn't be scared of others, their opinion is not objective truth anyway.
Do you enjoy writing, does it make you feel good?
If yes, then you are writer, because it's part of yourpersonality.
Just go, you can!

 

[sassafras]

Don't write for other people, it'll just make you insane. You'll be constantly trying to guess what people want and people are fickle and stupid. People are also sheep. Convince one smart and influential person that you're an awesome writer and watch everyone else line up to kiss your ass. If people don't get you, they will pretend they do. No one wants to look dumb. This is why you can't write for other people. Praise is a shallow and pretty whore. She can make you feel real good, but it doesn't mean anything.

Your only job as a writer is to be fucking brave. You have to be brave enough to not really give a shit. Because you will be rejected and lonely and you have to be tough. The fact that you're even inclined to write means you're a braver person than you know. You have to know yourself.

My advice is to submit your work and get used to rejection. Work through all the things that you're scared of. Join the NASTIEST harshest workshop you can find. Make collages out of your rejection slips. You need to find a way to numb yourself so you don't get caught up in your emotions. Why do you think there are so many drunks who write? This is the wrong way to numb yourself. Its the easy way.

But mostly, you have to give yourself permission to grow. If you're afraid to step out of your comfort zone, how are you going to grow beyond it? How do you know your comfort zone isn't much bigger if you scurry back to what's familiar. Growth hurts.

My thoughts on it exactly.

 

[Faye]

Have some unoriginal advice:

You need to stop comparing yourself to others. When someone criticizes your work, don't hold on to what they say. It is easy to criticize people, but remember that they don't build monuments for critics. You don't even really need to read what the critics say.