[INFJ] Enfp Pursuing Infj- Advice Needed Please

N

Newman_unleashed

Lucky
MBTI
ENFP
Hello everyone,
I am a 36 year old (though I look 27) ENFP male. Tall, in shape, smart, and pretty successful. I am a genuinely nice guy and in no way am a player. I want to find a soul mate.

I was creeping on the Pinterest account of the girl I am presently interested in, and saw that she had posted some info regarding INFJ's, so I did the research, discovered this personality type, and found out that I am basically attracted to a unicorn that refuses to get caught. Looking back, I have actually had a couple other INFJ crushes in the past that came to nothing, mainly because I was too obtuse to see that the girl was screaming for me (in her own way) to take her. (One in particular I hate myself for letting get away.) Incidentally, INFJ's seem to be attracted to me after spending some time around me, if not immediately. I do not have to do anything but be myself. I also now see that my best female friend is an INFJ (married to another close friend), and I dare say that the potential depth to our relationship scares me to the point where I push her away at times because she is married. She has become closer than a sister to me. She has always been my gold standard for personality type, but I have always had a hard time meeting a girl like her. Now I know why.

The girl in question is 19, but very mature and intelligent. I had heard some great things about her that piqued my interest, and was determined to meet her. One day she came into a restaurant where I was eating with some friends and I confidently introduced myself and spoke with her briefly. She had traveled to another country and stayed with some friends of mine, so I had something to talk with her about. I did not ask for her number (FAIL). I did find out that she was planning a trip to the far east, and since I had recently gone myself, got in touch with her via Instagram and offered to help her out with some contacts. Got her email, and later that week sent her some info in a funny, well worded email. She replied fairly quickly with a short thank you message. I later sent her a message on IG, to which she replied. It seemed like we would chat/flirt a little, but she stopped replying. I now know that the typical flirt stuff doesn't work and INFJ's aren't much for texting, so no surprise there.

Two weeks went by (I was busy traveling with friends), and I decided that I needed to do something to stay on her radar, so I went to the place where she sells her baked goods every Saturday, bought some things, and chatted for about 10 minutes. Another customer came in and ruined our conversation. After the customer left, the girl in question told me thank you so much for coming by, and that was it. No deep conversation yet. Just more basic fact finding. This was 3 days ago.

On Sunday, I found that she had placed her business card in the bag, so I texted her and told that I enjoyed the items I had bought and our conversation. She replied a short time later telling me that she was very glad that I enjoyed the food- no mention of the convo. I replied again with an intriguing observation about how much alike many of our IG pics are (they eerily are)- no reply. That brings you up to speed.

I know that INFJ's are notorious for not replying to texts. I know they need time to process info and make decisions. I am totally new to her world, and she is no doubt thinking about how (or if) I fit into it. My problem is that we do not run within the same circle of friends, so at the most I might casually bump into her briefly every couple of weeks. I know that if we did spend time together with no pressure that she would like me. Simply being around each other would be all that was needed. The only way I can be around her much, though, is by putting myself around her, which we both know is extremely obvious. I know INFJ's need time to accept someone into their world, and if one tries to push himself into it, they will be categorically rejected, which I do not want to happen. It is also possible that she has feelings for another specific guy that is more her age and is actually a lot like me. I have noticed some interaction between them on IG. Not surprisingly, he and I have a blast when we happen to hang out (rarely).

I fall hard and fast for this type of woman, especially when the girl is whip smart. I can be very unique/brilliant and gutsy/bold if needed and still be genuine, because that is how I am, but I am also old enough to know that may not be the best route, and that patience is a virtue.

Do I continue to persistently show interest without pushing to much- maybe by stopping by when she is selling and even a random text here and there- or is her lack of response to my desire to converse more deeply her way of telling me in a non-confrontational way "no thanks"?

Do I just go for it and ask her out for coffee, with the expectation that she has already made up her mind about me and whether I am worth her time?

Or am I better served by simply backing completely off for now and making the most of the times we do happen to cross paths? Slow burn. She obviously knows what I am up to.

I tend to be engulfed by feelings when I am really attracted to someone and I do not know where I stand. I manage to function, but life is stressful. Please help me INFJ women.
 
I also want to mention that she saw me approaching her at her shop and immediately looked away, but without losing the smile she had been wearing. When I got closer she again turned her head towards me and acknowledged my presence. When we talked she would alternate between looking to her right and looking at me. Eye contact was touch and go. She did not once give me any reason to think that she did not enjoy the interaction.
 
Thinking back to when I was 19, if I was being pursued an older man, I could see myself responding to the first few attempts to reach out politely but without encouraging further conversation because a. I probably wouldn't be sure if he was hitting on me or b. I wouldn't know how to turn him down, especially if the guy in question was friends with people I wanted to stay in touch with.

At most, I'd be flattered by the attention, but I'd also be a bit nervous about it. The majority of older men who pursue young women unfortunately give everyone else a bad rep. They tend to be quite... uh, insistent. That, and most girls that age have more drama and options within their own peer group.

But... everyone and every situation is different. And sitting here and over-analyzing this isn't going to be productive. Either it'll bolster your confidence or deflate it.

Why not just ask her out for coffee and see what she says? Her response will give you more insight into where she's at than us helping you decode her text messages or protract the exact angle of the tilt of her head when she first saw you.

Best of luck!
 
@atree

My intuition is telling me to just let it go and back off. If she does have feelings for me, I shouldn't have to guess, and letting a little time pass won't make them disappear. I have also experienced that a girl may not respond to my advances, but after I give he rspace and get back to living my life they may become interested later. But only if I really do move forward. Weird.

On the age thing- I look pretty young and act about like a 22-25 year old (LOL). Never married, no kids. And I don't play the field, either. I surprise people all the time with my age. It is not uncommon for 15-20 year olds to hit on me or develop feelings for me- even after finding out my age. (It's very flattering.) I guess I am just a genuinely nice, caring, and fun guy. I obviously do not normally act on any of this interest. I have actually never dated anyone more than 6 years younger than me, and I would only entertain the idea with a girl that is mature for her age. I would not see any problem with it in that case.

I really appreciate the input. If anyone else wants to weigh in, please do.
 
We really need a subforum in "Relationships and Sociology" for all the threads people come here and make to get advice about how to capture an INFJ. That way they can more easily discover all the advice that has already been given out about this topic.
 
invisible said:
You are a player. You're playing her like a strategy game. Sorry.
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This. You are right. It has to happen organically, which is how I would have it too. Thank you for being blunt.

I am happy to to have gained a better understanding of my type, who I am attracted to, and who I am a good match for. It will help a lot in future relationships.
 
Newman_unleashed said:
This. You are right. It has to happen organically, which is how I would have it too. Thank you for being blunt.

I am happy to to have gained a better understanding of my type, who I am attracted to, and who I am a good match for. It will help a lot in future relationships.
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I have once been very in love with a person who was approaching me with an incredible quantity of layers of strategy and it was very difficult to deal with. It prevented something that could have been wonderful from ever getting off the ground and left me feeling more frustrated than I can say. Let me tell you, although I would never give those experiences up, they weren't much fun.

I think that most people, when expressing interest in someone, they will chat to them, ask them a little about themselves, and if that person seems interested, ask them to do more one-on-one activities together, which will probably lead to dating if the chemistry is right. If that person is showing a sort of reluctance of luke-warm response by cancelling plans etc., it's usually a hint to move on. It takes courage to be open about the way you approach someone and it's an achievement of good character that anyone can be proud of.

I am trying to encourage you to go through this experience of attempting to resolve this situation, because you seem overly invested!! You seem to be peering very deeply into details of her life that she may not herself intend to be publicised to you and that is kind of crossing a boundary.

I once read on a site made by people who identified themselves as players, that the way to identify a "nice girl" is that she responds to good treatment in a positive and appreciative way. This is oversimplifying the equation considerably, but it could be useful to you. Taking an interest in someone and asking them to spend more time together is good treatment. If that person doesn't respond to that treatment, that should tell you that they're not right for you.

All the best
 
Newman_unleashed said:
Hello everyone,
I am a 36 year old (though I look 27) ENFP male. Tall, in shape, smart, and pretty successful. I am a genuinely nice guy and in no way am a player. I want to find a soul mate.

The girl in question is 19. Please help me INFJ women.[/QUOTE
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OK, here's the thing. I think you are genuine, and you have fallen for this girl, head over heels. But I think you have said it all in your own words, so I'm sorry. You are a 36 year old man, and she is literally young enough to be your daughter. If you truly care for her ? Then tread very carefully. She may be very easily influenced and impressed by your maturity. You say you look 27 , why did you write that ? I think you already know. I think age gaps matter less as we age, if she was 29 and you were 46 ? Difficult but possible. Now ? If you get involved with her and things don't work out, I honestly think you may be far more injured than she is, and you will blame yourself.

It's your life and your decision, I wish you the very best. There are other ladies, INFJ or otherwise, who may be just waiting to meet you. Is that maybe a better road to take. Life eh ? It's complicated, doesn't even begin to cover it.

James
 
Just ask her out. That's it.

Ask her to go on a date that is interesting, where you can really get to know each other and talk about interesting and deep topics. Where you go on a date won't really matter as long as you can connect. Not a coffee shop - too many strangers nearby to relax and really open up. Not a movie - no talking allowed, so you won't get to know each other.
 
On the age gap- I mentioned it because I do think it is relevant, but I do not think it is a deal breaker. I am still very much an adventurous soul that wants to see the world and experience a variety of things and places, not settle down. The reason I am interested in her is because she is doing the same things.

I am going to ask her out. I am genuinely interested in her and would like to get to know her better. All of this posturing and planning is not really my style, anyways, and I do better when I don't think and just do. The worst that could happen is she says no, in which case the air will be clear and she will no doubt respect me for my honesty.

I am no longer anxious.
 
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Newman_unleashed said:
@atree

My intuition is telling me to just let it go and back off. If she does have feelings for me, I shouldn't have to guess, and letting a little time pass won't make them disappear. I have also experienced that a girl may not respond to my advances, but after I give he rspace and get back to living my life they may become interested later. But only if I really do move forward. Weird.

On the age thing- I look pretty young and act about like a 22-25 year old (LOL). Never married, no kids. And I don't play the field, either. I surprise people all the time with my age. It is not uncommon for 15-20 year olds to hit on me or develop feelings for me- even after finding out my age. (It's very flattering.) I guess I am just a genuinely nice, caring, and fun guy. I obviously do not normally act on any of this interest. I have actually never dated anyone more than 6 years younger than me, and I would only entertain the idea with a girl that is mature for her age. I would not see any problem with it in that case.

I really appreciate the input. If anyone else wants to weigh in, please do.
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OK, since you have decided to pursue this I am gently going to say your previous posts make me very uneasy. In your own words you have described the person you are attracted to as a 'girl' and said you act like a 22-25 year old. I don't want to be the boring grandad (I'm 46) but the thing is you are not 22-25. Neither are you 27. You are a 36 year old man. Not a 19 year old boy.

I think you need to ask yourself this, especially if you are sincere as you appear to be. Why have you developed such an attraction for a 19 year old, and not someone closer to your own age? Is it just an accident ? From your previous post, it does not appear so. I know we all want to have fun in life, but as we get older we have to face the responsibilities life brings. I have an 18 year old son, soon to be 19. If I thought an immature, possibly irresponsible 36 year old woman was going to try to get involved with him, I would not be impressed. I would be very, very concerned.

I hope you can understand that. So far this thing has existed mostly in your heart and head, but if you proceed and make it real ? Then I hope you are fully prepared for all the consequences. INFJ's are probably the most sensitive of all types, and she is only 19. I meant what I said in my earlier post. I hope you will think carefully and balance all things as you contemplate what to do. Acting without thought is nearly always total folly in my view. As I look around at all the problems that exist in the world, I'm afraid that is almost always the root cause.

I wish you well.
James
 
James,
FWIW, the situation as I see it is not as cut and dry as an old dude hitting on a younger girl/woman. (I use the term woman and girl interchangeably in this context, btw, so please don't read too much into that.) I am not immature in terms of handling responsibility, my treatment of people, or success. But I absolutely am in the field of love. I am actually a virgin, due to my belief in abstinence before marriage, and I have only dated 2 girls (both with honest intentions, but ultimately breaking up because I was not ready or distance). I have tried to be a stand up guy of integrity and give much of my energies towards volunteer work and helping people. I also have a college degree (cum laude) and own a successful business. What is wrong then? I have simply had some rough experiences in life and in my family that have made me have to put others before myself (responsible perfect son crap with addict parents and 7 siblings). I also had to overcome a life threatening illness in my late teens. These have given me some things emotionally to work through. Specifically, being willing to take the risk of putting myself out there and even trying to get to know someone intimately. I have generally avoided a relationship for these reasons, and am just now getting to the place where I am emotionally ready to date and find the right girl. So yes- I am way behind the curve in this respect. But I am no boy.

Another factor is that I will only marry someone who shares my religious beliefs, and unfortunately where I live the number of suitable available women that are over the age of 23 is very small. People get married young here in the south. I don't like it, but it's true. There are even two mothers that are presently encouraging their 17-20 year daughters to talk to me and me to them. At times I even feel slightly resentful because I thought I was doing the wise thing to wait until I had more to offer to get married only to look up and find in my late 20's that none of my peers had done the same. I am pretty much the lone bachelor. People ask me why I haven't married. Close friends advise me to get out there and try to get to know more girls before I get any older. Socially, I even find that I am stuck having to hang out with younger people because everyone my age is married, working constantly, and has kids. They simply do not have the time or energy. I do. I feel uncomfortable at times if the social group I am in has too many teens that are not mature for their age, and I ask myself what the heck I am doing. In those cases I tend to become the big brother and just keep an eye on everyone. TBH- I have seriously considered moving to a place with more older single girls just for this reason, but uprooting my life for this only just does not seem fair. I recently tried a long distance relationship with a nice girl that was 27. It is simply too hard and not much fun. I won't do it again.

I actually had a dream last night in which I had been chosen to be an astronaut. I was shocked and excited that something so amazing could happen to me. There was a group of other astronauts that I would be joining on an expedition to the moon. The day of the launch came, and everyone was busy donning their space suits. I was asked to help with some equipment, which I enthusiastically did. As I was finishing the task, the countdown to launch started. Everyone else was entering the ship, and I still did not have my suit on. I scrambled to get it, but it was nowhere to be found. I begged and pleaded for them to help me or stop the countdown, but they all said "sorry" and that there was too much involved in resetting the launch. They left me behind. The mission control officer was there and I jumped on him- crying, screaming. "Please let me get on! Will I ever have another chance?!" He could only say that he was sorry. At that moment in the dream I kind of woke up. It did not take me long to process what it was about.

I certainly do take to heart your advice. I need to think of the repercussions of dating someone this much younger than me. Every couple and situation is different, though. The woman I mentioned in my first post that I am so close to was 17 when she married (husband was 24), and another very close friend a woman 21 years younger (he was 42). Both marriages are happy and are not recent. The 42 year old friend had almost the exact same life story as me, and he did not expect to ever find love until he met his wife and there was no stopping them from falling for each other. I have read up on age gap marriages/dating before when opportunities to date much younger women first started coming my way. Everyone has an opinion. People will do what they want. Some couples succeed, others don't.

Your post has given me pause, for sure. I want to make it clear that I have passed on dating many girls between the ages of 17 and 23 because it did make me uncomfortable and I thought they could use some more time to mature. (Most of them just dated other guys and got married anyways.) I am not an old perverted creep, and would hate to be perceived as such. The only reason she is even on my radar is because we seem to have the same interests and life goals (serve God and travel the world), and she is not the typical "have fun at all cost/ no real direction" teen.

I am curious to get your response to this: How would you feel if your relatively mature 19 year old daughter met a good man of 35 years that had simply not married? He had led a good life and he had accomplished much and still had future goals. He had moral character. He cared deeply for your daughter, would be a good provider, and they clicked. They loved each other and were happy. Would you refuse to give your blessing simply because of his age? ( I know this questions assumes much, but I feel it is valid.)

I thank you for your input, and I will think hard about it. I genuinely appreciate it. If anyone else wants to add to this, I am grateful for the feedback.
 
I haven't read all the views/advice from others. Some good advice I did read.

My gut indistinct, well what I like as an INFJ, is time for interaction to develop and consider, in a non-explicit and unassuming manner that it's 'dating'. The age barrier might only be overcome, through more interaction with you, in a normal social context with others present. I don't mind if people play strategy's to develop a potential relationship with someone they're interested in (in the past I've found it endearing and 'cute'), so long as motives are sincere. I'm not sure if it's possible, but one way could be to arrange a gathering perhaps at your place, or at some venue, with drinks and food, and you could invite friends from your circle , and could ask them to bring along any of their friends if they like. Maybe invite people she knows too. Either way, then you could invite her to come. If you're interested in her, honestly lack of action is the worst thing you could do, and the biggest mistake you could make - that's my honest view.
 
Dude, you sound creepy af! I know I'd steer clear of you. :astonished:
 
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Newman_unleashed said:
I tend to be engulfed by feelings when I am really attracted to someone and I do not know where I stand. I manage to function, but life is stressful. Please help me INFJ women.
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I would say, when you ask her out for a date, try and be sincere more than anything else. You want her to see you like her without coming across as intense (that's off putting). If you can convey something between you that lets her know your interested in her (e.g. not just her great looks etc.).Also it's not unattractive if your not super smooth and suave. As a younger woman I would be put of by older men acting like that towards me because it would just feel like a pick up. A nice smile and warm demeanour can do a lot to melt a woman's heart too. Probably what I've said is a bit obvious. I hear that this personality type combination really can work well.. so hopefully it won't be that hard to make a connection.
 
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Here an unconventional suggestion. Do you have a common friend who would protect the 19 yrls best interests over yours? Preferably female. She might act as a match maker/shaparon if she deems you safe. Or cut you nuts off if you get stupid!
My great grandmas second husband was 25 years older then her when they got married. 23 & 48 yrs old. They were together until he died. My grandmother was 19 and Grandpa was 30ish. They got together after WWII. They had 10 kids before they divorced.
It could work.
Every thing you do should put her best interest above yours while you're dating and if you get married after too!
She gets the ultimate say in her best interest.
 
PS. I'm about to tun 45 and I wouldn't date a 19 or 20 something.
I'm single, no kids. I have teenage nieces and nephews though.
It seems odd to my sensibilities.
 
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