ENFP got rejected by INFJ-what is he thinking?

[CuriousENFP]

So recently, an INFJ reached out to me in my city, and we went out together. Initially I was quite hesitant to go out with him, cause I saw that a needy guy of the same age had messaged me on the forums. He had BPD.(Borderline personality disorder) So I thought he was masquerading as that guy. (His age is the same as well). I don't want to post on that INFJ forum because he posts there, and i think it is his safe place. So I am someone who is interested in the advertising and marketing industry, and being a newbie in this industry, we went out together and talked a bit. So we talked a lot about the industry, and some stuff in general over lunch. After that, i accompanied him to the bookstore. When we went to the bookstore, I was starting to feel socially shy and anxious. So I told him that we could go our separate ways and I will go to my favourite section and he will go to his favourite section. I also had a meeting with someone later in the afternoon. So I was about to leave, and I wanted to say a proper goodbye. So i went to find him, and bumped into him, and I said I was going to leave, so we said bye. It became awkward, cause i was like:"what are u going to do next? Explore the rest of the bookstore?" and he was like "yeah" and starting to be awkward. And i bumped into him again, and said I was finding the exit. He is 10 years older than me.
Ok back to story...so after that, I texted him, apologised for my awkwardness and I started asking him more personal questions. I recently read that INFJs don't like to disclose personal stuff. Soon after that, I asked questions about his dating history and I think I subtly expressed my interest in him, and he said the chemistry wasn't there. After that, I blocked him for a while cause I was feeling distracted at work.
I thought i saw him on the train so i texted him and he said he was at home.
Please correct my assumptions if they are wrong:
1. He is probably out of my league, career wise. I am not working full-time and he is a high-flier in his role. So probably not his type.
2. The awkward social gathering scared him off.
Questions:
1. After I blocked him, and stopped texting him for like 2 weeks, I noticed he started removing relationship related posts on said forum. He also removed his display picture on the messaging app. Recently, I messaged him to ask about how is his life going and how is he navigating the dating world, and I was left on unread. What typically goes on in an INFJ's head? INFJs are pretty hard to read. Probably he has gotten a gf or maybe he has given up on dating altogether?
I think its rare to feel an instant attraction to someone, and I notice I gravitate towards guys who are smarter and brainier than me, like doctors. Sorry if i sound offensive.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

So recently, an INFJ reached out to me in my city, and we went out together. Initially I was quite hesitant to go out with him, cause I saw that a needy guy of the same age had messaged me on the forums. He had BPD.(Borderline personality disorder) So I thought he was masquerading as that guy. (His age is the same as well). I don't want to post on that INFJ forum because he posts there, and i think it is his safe place. So I am someone who is interested in the advertising and marketing industry, and being a newbie in this industry, we went out together and talked a bit. So we talked a lot about the industry, and some stuff in general over lunch. After that, i accompanied him to the bookstore. When we went to the bookstore, I was starting to feel socially shy and anxious. So I told him that we could go our separate ways and I will go to my favourite section and he will go to his favourite section. I also had a meeting with someone later in the afternoon. So I was about to leave, and I wanted to say a proper goodbye. So i went to find him, and bumped into him, and I said I was going to leave, so we said bye. It became awkward, cause i was like:"what are u going to do next? Explore the rest of the bookstore?" and he was like "yeah" and starting to be awkward. And i bumped into him again, and said I was finding the exit. He is 10 years older than me.
Ok back to story...so after that, I texted him, apologised for my awkwardness and I started asking him more personal questions. I recently read that INFJs don't like to disclose personal stuff. Soon after that, I asked questions about his dating history and I think I subtly expressed my interest in him, and he said the chemistry wasn't there. After that, I blocked him for a while cause I was feeling distracted at work.
I thought i saw him on the train so i texted him and he said he was at home.
Please correct my assumptions if they are wrong:
1. He is probably out of my league, career wise. I am not working full-time and he is a high-flier in his role. So probably not his type.
2. The awkward social gathering scared him off.
Questions:
1. After I blocked him, and stopped texting him for like 2 weeks, I noticed he started removing relationship related posts on said forum. He also removed his display picture on the messaging app. Recently, I messaged him to ask about how is his life going and how is he navigating the dating world, and I was left on unread. What typically goes on in an INFJ's head? INFJs are pretty hard to read. Probably he has gotten a gf or maybe he has given up on dating altogether?
I think its rare to feel an instant attraction to someone, and I notice I gravitate towards guys who are smarter and brainier than me, like doctors. Sorry if i sound offensive.

He said the chemistry wasn't there.

That's pretty cut and dry for me. He isn't interested.

 

[slant]

It's easy to sit and think why we weren't a good match for someone else and even easier to think that we can somehow change and "earn" another person's love if only we knew why it wasn't working out.

From my experiences, it doesn't matter why. Explanations don't change anything and don't help. Find somebody who actually wants you. You deserve that.

You don't need to prove yourself or earn anybody's love. It's given freely.

 

[CuriousENFP]

He said the chemistry wasn't there.

That's pretty cut and dry for me. He isn't interested.

What I find weird is that he had to remove all his other postings and censor himself online, on the relationships aspect. I deleted all my posts and account on the forum and i blocked him. He had nothing to hide. I feel like one of those sore losers in denial, but I read that he values quality time and no quality time is a dealbreaker for him. I thought its more of an INFJ looking for his/her ideal date, and the person doesn't meet those qualities, they get doorslammed, or from what i read on these forums.

It's easy to sit and think why we weren't a good match for someone else and even easier to think that we can somehow change and "earn" another person's love if only we knew why it wasn't working out.

From my experiences, it doesn't matter why. Explanations don't change anything and don't help. Find somebody who actually wants you. You deserve that.

You don't need to prove yourself or earn anybody's love. It's given freely.

You are psychic. True. I thought if I met someone similar, not the same guy, since u can't change the past, I would have stayed on in the bookstore for sure. And I was thinking of eventually moving on to full time jobs in future, becoming a professional in a field etc. Lots of doctors don't even give me a second glance so I thought maybe one day I will try climbing up the career ladder. I have a Bachelor degree but I decided to start out part-time due to anxiety and setbacks.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

What I find weird is that he had to remove all his other postings and censor himself online, on the relationships aspect. I deleted all my posts and account on the forum and i blocked him. He had nothing to hide. I feel like one of those sore losers in denial, but I read that he values quality time and no quality time is a dealbreaker for him. I thought its more of an INFJ looking for his/her ideal date, and the person doesn't meet those qualities, they get doorslammed, or from what i read on these forums.

Didn't you say that you weren't even sure if the real life guy and the forum guy were the same person?

You are psychic. True. I thought if I met someone similar, not the same guy, since u can't change the past, I would have stayed on in the bookstore for sure. And I was thinking of eventually moving on to full time jobs in future, becoming a professional in a field etc. Lots of doctors don't even give me a second glance so I thought maybe one day I will try climbing up the career ladder. I have a Bachelor degree but I decided to start out part-time due to anxiety and setbacks.

Maybe you'd be more happy with health insurance than a boyfriend.

 

[slant]

You are psychic. True. I thought if I met someone similar, not the same guy, since u can't change the past, I would have stayed on in the bookstore for sure. And I was thinking of eventually moving on to full time jobs in future, becoming a professional in a field etc. Lots of doctors don't even give me a second glance so I thought maybe one day I will try climbing up the career ladder. I have a Bachelor degree but I decided to start out part-time due to anxiety and setbacks.

I don't understand what you're saying here.

Can you rephrase this?

 

[Deleted member 16771]

1. He is probably out of my league, career wise. I am not working full-time and he is a high-flier in his role. So probably not his type.

I will say that men typically aren't interested in your 'career'. Intelligence, certainly, but typically they aren't going to care what you do for a living except insofar as what it might reveal about your character.

 

[Asa]

@CuriousENFP - The urge to reach out and cling when rejected in romance is natural and common. A gentle warning: resist that urge. It won't turn out the way you want it to, and you'll begin engaging in behaviors you won't admire. It is best not to pursue people who've ended a possible romance.

Try to cope with your emotions in a healthy way that doesn't involve things like checking on said person on the internet, or obsessing over why it didn't work. Find healthy ways to engage your mind and heart in other activities.

After I blocked him, and stopped texting him for like 2 weeks, I noticed he started removing relationship related posts on said forum. He also removed his display picture on the messaging app. Recently, I messaged him to ask about how is his life going and how is he navigating the dating world, and I was left on unread.

Your story is inconsistent. You said you blocked him and he had nothing to worry about, but you also checked on him. What you've said about him suggests you were lurking around in a way that made him uncomfortable. This complies with the fact that you sound like you're on the emotional edge right now, so susceptible to irrational actions.

Going your separate ways during a date suggests you aren't interested. That was strange, and likely why he said there was no chemistry. When people click they want to spend more time together, not "go there separate ways, each to their favorite section" alone, instead of sharing and learning about each other's interests. This signaled rejection.

He is probably out of my league, career wise

INFJs aren't overly concerned about "leagues". We want a genuine connection with someone who consistently gets us.

I thought its more of an INFJ looking for his/her ideal date, and the person doesn't meet those qualities, they get doorslammed, or from what i read on these forums.

This isn't an "INFJ" behavior. We don't have a strict vision of an ideal mate like some other types and we don't door slam everyone who doesn't fit our ideals. That is not in the INFJ user manual. We door slam people we need to be "dead to us", and we are looking for a partner we share a deep connection and interests with... unless we're just goofing around and avoiding deep connection because it is so hard to find anyway, which some INFJs do.

He probably removed his photo and romance posts from the other forum, left your message unread, and is trying to stay away from you and be unreachable because you're being clingy, which is a bit creepy, and because you simultaneously gave him mixed signals of rejection, like going your separate ways in the bookstore, blocking him, etc. Your behavior is scaring him off.


I really hope you get over this and consider the signals you give on your next date. I hope you meet someone who is right for you.

 

[acd]

It seems like wanting to go separate ways in the bookstore after lunch and conversation is an indication there wasn't really any chemistry--you still didn't feel comfortable enough to walk around with him and browse and talk about books. I think had there been chemistry, you'd have stuck together. I wouldn't take his saying that there wasn't chemistry as a rejection. But he's realized that there is nothing more there so why try to force it? You didn't indicate you felt chemistry from the post. Can't blame someone for picking up on that right away and not wanting to get their heart broken. I would take feeling anxious and shy or uncomfortable to the point you want to part ways on a date as a sign it's time to move on. Doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with him but on some level, it sounds like you weren't into it. Listen to that.

 

[CuriousENFP]

Didn't you say that you weren't even sure if the real life guy and the forum guy were the same person?




Maybe you'd be more happy with health insurance than a boyfriend.

Basically i knew this guy on the forum, who was getting close to me, he was ENFP but he had some bpd thing going on. And this real life guy(INFJ) also contacted me on the forum, and we met in real life.

I don't understand what you're saying here.

Can you rephrase this?

It means that if i ever meet someone similar, I won't make the same mistakes ever again.

I will say that men typically aren't interested in your 'career'. Intelligence, certainly, but typically they aren't going to care what you do for a living except insofar as what it might reveal about your character.

That's reassuring, thanks.

@CuriousENFP - The urge to reach out and cling when rejected in romance is natural and common. A gentle warning: resist that urge. It won't turn out the way you want it to, and you'll begin engaging in behaviors you won't admire. It is best not to pursue people who've ended a possible romance.

Try to cope with your emotions in a healthy way that doesn't involve things like checking on said person on the internet, or obsessing over why it didn't work. Find healthy ways to engage your mind and heart in other activities.




Your story is inconsistent. You said you blocked him and he had nothing to worry about, but you also checked on him. What you've said about him suggests you were lurking around in a way that made him uncomfortable. This complies with the fact that you sound like you're on the emotional edge right now, so susceptible to irrational actions.

Going your separate ways during a date suggests you aren't interested. That was strange, and likely why he said there was no chemistry. When people click they want to spend more time together, not "go there separate ways, each to their favorite section" alone, instead of sharing and learning about each other's interests. This signaled rejection.



INFJs aren't overly concerned about "leagues". We want a genuine connection with someone who consistently gets us.




This isn't an "INFJ" behavior. We don't have a strict vision of an ideal mate like some other types and we don't door slam everyone who doesn't fit our ideals. That is not in the INFJ user manual. We door slam people we need to be "dead to us", and we are looking for a partner we share a deep connection and interests with... unless we're just goofing around and avoiding deep connection because it is so hard to find anyway, which some INFJs do.

He probably removed his photo and romance posts from the other forum, left your message unread, and is trying to stay away from you and be unreachable because you're being clingy, which is a bit creepy, and because you simultaneously gave him mixed signals of rejection, like going your separate ways in the bookstore, blocking him, etc. Your behavior is scaring him off.


I really hope you get over this and consider the signals you give on your next date. I hope you meet someone who is right for you.

Yes thank you for the hard truth. You can dish it and I will gladly take it. I have social anxiety sometimes and sometimes I feel very socially confident. He wasn't my type but somehow I felt myself drawn to his positive qualities. But I won't elaborate on it since its dead and gone.

It seems like wanting to go separate ways in the bookstore after lunch and conversation is an indication there wasn't really any chemistry--you still didn't feel comfortable enough to walk around with him and browse and talk about books. I think had there been chemistry, you'd have stuck together. I wouldn't take his saying that there wasn't chemistry as a rejection. But he's realized that there is nothing more there so why try to force it? You didn't indicate you felt chemistry from the post. Can't blame someone for picking up on that right away and not wanting to get their heart broken. I would take feeling anxious and shy or uncomfortable around someone on a date as a sign it's time to move on.

Thank you for the hard truth. I really seem to have unhealthy relationship and attachment styles. I have to work on that.

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I am satisfied and I know that I should move on from now on. No point thinking about it-its as good as dead and gone. I can only strive to make future friendships/relationships better.

 

[HJpAjcdO0X]

As an INFJ my take is....

I was starting to feel socially shy and anxious. So I told him that we could go our separate ways and I will go to my favourite section and he will go to his favourite section. I also had a meeting with someone later in the afternoon. So I was about to leave, and I wanted to say a proper goodbye. So i went to find him, and bumped into him, and I said I was going to leave, so we said bye. It became awkward

-If you didn't tell him that you were starting to feel anxious, all he knows is that you have a nervous energy around him and you suddenly have to leave.

Soon after that, I asked questions about his dating history and I think I subtly expressed my interest in him, and he said the chemistry wasn't there.

Too fast...He doesnt know you well enough to feel that way, and so he probably questions how you can feel this way this early as well.

After I blocked him, and stopped texting him for like 2 weeks, I noticed he started removing relationship related posts on said forum. He also removed his display picture on the messaging app. Recently, I messaged him to ask about how is his life going and how is he navigating the dating world, and I was left on unread. What typically goes on in an INFJ's head? INF

I personally, call that INFJ ghost mode lol. Where an individual must process the internal aftermath following a mass influx of "WTF?!" In life with as little interference as possible..

Hope that helps lol

 

[CuriousENFP]

As an INFJ my take is....



-If you didn't tell him that you were starting to feel anxious, all he knows is that you have a nervous energy around him and you suddenly have to leave.




Too fast...He doesnt know you well enough to feel that way, and so he probably questions how you can feel this way this early as well.





I personally, call that INFJ ghost mode lol. Where an individual must process the internal aftermath following a mass influx of "WTF?!" In life with as little interference as possible..

Hope that helps lol

He says he is very socially awkward and I explained that I felt socially awkward in the chat. True-It's ridiculous-the big big ENFP energy, always falling head over heels in love.
Lol thanks for ur insight. He read the message on "how is life going...how is the dating scene treating him" but didn't reply. From his recent postings, it seems like he may not be ready to enter into a r/s anytime soon...and he is already 35(Has never been in a r/s before). I guess I am a big-mouthed gossiper><

 

[slant]

You have to ask yourself why is it that you're wanting to invest so much energy in someone who is unavailable -

Don't you deserve someone who is available and open to be with you, in fact, eager?

Do you possibly believe you'll never find a connection like this again?

Explore the underlying beliefs that are preventing you from moving on.

Then ask yourself: do I want to move on?

If yes, determine what you need to do to accomplish this. If you're not ready to move on accept it and work on trying to understand the reasons you are stuck on this situation and unwilling to move forward

 

[CuriousENFP]

You have to ask yourself why is it that you're wanting to invest so much energy in someone who is unavailable -

Don't you deserve someone who is available and open to be with you, in fact, eager?

Do you possibly believe you'll never find a connection like this again?

Explore the underlying beliefs that are preventing you from moving on.

Then ask yourself: do I want to move on?

If yes, determine what you need to do to accomplish this. If you're not ready to move on accept it and work on trying to understand the reasons you are stuck on this situation and unwilling to move forward

My underlying belief: I believe that it is very hard to find a connection like that ever again. I had crushes on docs and teachers etc and I knew its impossible. People who were way out of my league or "forbidden fruit". This felt like the closest to possible given that I was contacted by him first. Yes I do want to move on. Also because of COVID, I feel more socially isolated somewhat. I really hope COVID ends quickly so that I can join some boardgames events, some anime conventions, some gaming conventions etc, just doing fun things, any fun events. I have decided to binge watch movies and stuff to get over it.(* I shall fall in love with an imaginary guy in a K-drama instead and imagine myself as the female lead*-I know its impossible so I won't pursue it but its nice to have this fantasy) There has been ups and downs, sometimes I think I am over him, sometimes I think I am still infatuated. But it is no longer affecting my work performance as much as it used to.
Edit: Maybe I also have a constant need for external validation and approval like from people-just anybody I guess. Maybe I am sort of an attention seeker.

 

[CuriousENFP]

My upbringing has fucked me up so much. Constant comparisons with my cousins and younger brother, saying that they are smarter than me. Paranoid anxious mother who would switch between helicopter parenting, authoritarian parenting and overly critical parenting. My mum asking for the numbers of my friends when I went out etc. Going berserk when I held hands with a guy in school at 15. Not encouraging the pursuit of my interests. Asking who am I going out with....and being excluded in school for being different/ADD/Slow cognitive tempo etc. I have been through a lot of therapy but some things still stay. There is so much to unpack here, its much longer than that....but I don't think I want to burden y'all with the details.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

My upbringing has fucked me up so much. Constant comparisons with my cousins and younger brother, saying that they are smarter than me. Paranoid anxious mother who would switch between helicopter parenting, authoritarian parenting and overly critical parenting. My mum asking for the numbers of my friends when I went out etc. Going berserk when I held hands with a guy in school at 15. Not encouraging the pursuit of my interests. Asking who am I going out with....and being excluded in school for being different/ADD/Slow cognitive tempo etc. I have been through a lot of therapy but some things still stay. There is so much to unpack here, its much longer than that....but I don't think I want to burden y'all with the details.

I know how you feel. I had that kind of shit.

 

[slant]

My upbringing has fucked me up so much. Constant comparisons with my cousins and younger brother, saying that they are smarter than me. Paranoid anxious mother who would switch between helicopter parenting, authoritarian parenting and overly critical parenting. My mum asking for the numbers of my friends when I went out etc. Going berserk when I held hands with a guy in school at 15. Not encouraging the pursuit of my interests. Asking who am I going out with....and being excluded in school for being different/ADD/Slow cognitive tempo etc. I have been through a lot of therapy but some things still stay. There is so much to unpack here, its much longer than that....but I don't think I want to burden y'all with the details.

We all got baggage that's just part of life! You'll figure it out. Therapy for me has been super helpful. Just take it one day at a time aye, you'll get there

 

[CuriousENFP]

This picture I found on facebook, while browsing...accidentally...is not helping

 

[AGoodBook]

Hmm... maybe a bookstore isn’t the best place to meet up with someone? If someone suggested to me that we kinda do our own thing upon meeting, without any intention of doing something else afterward, I would assume “this person isn’t interested in getting to know me”, “why am I here?”, “maybe there just isn’t a connection or this person doesn’t know how to connect with me”. Either way, I’d probably start distancing after that, if the encounter made me feel rejected, awkward, or uncomfortable.

I can’t speak for other INFJ’s but extracting someone from my life is a lot easier than sitting down and having a confrontational discussion with someone, and if I don’t have a lot of time invested into you, I’m not going to deal with the discomfort and awkwardness of trying to work something out.

That’s just me though. It sounds like he was more direct than I would have been. I probably would have just started forcing brevity in future discussions and “going quiet”, hoping the other person would get the hint or lose interest.

 

[CuriousENFP]

Hmm... maybe a bookstore isn’t the best place to meet up with someone? If someone suggested to me that we kinda do our own thing upon meeting, without any intention of doing something else afterward, I would assume “this person isn’t interested in getting to know me”, “why am I here?”, “maybe there just isn’t a connection or this person doesn’t know how to connect with me”. Either way, I’d probably start distancing after that, if the encounter made me feel rejected, awkward, or uncomfortable.

I can’t speak for other INFJ’s but extracting someone from my life is a lot easier than sitting down and having a confrontational discussion with someone, and if I don’t have a lot of time invested into you, I’m not going to deal with the discomfort and awkwardness of trying to work something out.

That’s just me though. It sounds like he was more direct than I would have been. I probably would have just started forcing brevity in future discussions and “going quiet”, hoping the other person would get the hint or lose interest.

He was the one who offered to meet up for lunch/tea etc. So afterwards, I asked him where was he going, and he said the bookstore. So i accompanied him to the bookstore, for a while, because I had to collect my hamster's birthday cake later on. But when I got to the bookstore I was super shy soo I said lets go to our own sections><(I think he was trying to reach out to me in the bookstore but I was soooo shy) Well, afterwards I asked him a lot of questions(through the messaging app) and his responses started getting less and less enthusiastic. He didn't ask much about me. Then his replies got more sporadic. But still I bit the bullet and kind of hinted that I liked him. Saying he is intriguing etc. Asking about whether he has dated before(before his reply became so unenthusiastic). Then I asked to meet a second time and he was like "nah, I am not into you." I think he also read my other posts about narcissism(wanting to marry an introvert with many friends/extrovert so that I would have loads of people to invite to my wedding) and before I met him, I couldn't understand why would anyone need a girlfriend/boyfriend in their life. I said that about another friend-who was upset that he couldn't get a gf. I was also late><so he went to the library to chill before meeting up with me.
Before meeting him, I was quite unenthusiastic about meeting him. After meeting him in person, then I felt myself liking him more and more.
I am an immature ENFP><so i guess my behaviour was really childish....
The second time(I asked him out) I wanted to make amends for the first meeting.....since I read that he values quality time....omg><