ELI5 - Woman

[dragulagu]

So I got this INFJ/ENFP/INFP woman that just fascinates me but is just an enigma to my understanding. Beautiful, enigmatically complex yet a black box.

Today we walked together to the entrance of the office, but the moment I started a chat with her she bluntly said to me that she was angry this morning and it was best to just ignore her for now. I asked her what's wrong but she kept moving faster, away. And don't know anymore how to react to this.

She's incredibly complex in regards to her own feelings, like a continuous internal emotional storm which I can't see past. It's not an obsession but I feel empathic for her...wish I could support her because there's still a part of me that cares about her.

I don't know where I stand with her. I don't know how to react to her as she always closes off herself to me. There are moments I notice she looks towards me, is impacted emotionally by what I say but other moments where she just closes off entirely. And in general she just acts distant to me, we have an emotional history. And I don't want to push anything to her that would put her in emotional distress.

I have no clue what her temperament is anymore. She has that Fe, she is introverted, she's emotionally smart yet aloof at the same time. It's like a pack of contradictions. Which would point my guess to INFJ. Yet she has these tendencies to act differently, like an ENFP or INFP.
@Sandie33 she's a gemini.

I just want to get a reality check hammer slammed on me so I can move on in any direction. I hate being clueless. When I went to Prague one of my friends told a similar experience he's going through, great guy, smart guy, but he's stuck in a loving friendship for 8 years with a woman that he can't get. It's painful to read his emotions when he talks about her. And like fuck I am going through the same emotional storm as he did.

 

[acd]

Sounds like she's really guarded for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn't want to give you the impression she is interested otherwise she is so stuck in her own head and/or feelings that she's not aware of you. Sounds complicated. What kind of emotional history? That's important info here.

I am distant and aloof when I don't want to be close. If I'm interested, I will ask the other person about themselves, maybe gush at them a little and joke a lot with them. Or at the very least be available and responsive to them, even if I'm upset about something.

But I'm only going off this one post. Are you guys coworkers? That complicates things too because workplace relationships can get dicey.

 

[Sandie33]

she's a gemini.

I'll think on this ... she's a she don't forget

Off to a meeting ...

 

[Deleted member 16771]

So I got this INFJ/ENFP/INFP woman that just fascinates me but is just an enigma to my understanding. Beautiful, enigmatically complex yet a black box.

Today we walked together to the entrance of the office, but the moment I started a chat with her she bluntly said to me that she was angry this morning and it was best to just ignore her for now. I asked her what's wrong but she kept moving faster, away. And don't know anymore how to react to this.

She's incredibly complex in regards to her own feelings, like a continuous internal emotional storm which I can't see past. It's not an obsession but I feel empathic for her...wish I could support her because there's still a part of me that cares about her.

I don't know where I stand with her. I don't know how to react to her as she always closes off herself to me. There are moments I notice she looks towards me, is impacted emotionally by what I say but other moments where she just closes off entirely. And in general she just acts distant to me, we have an emotional history. And I don't want to push anything to her that would put her in emotional distress.

I have no clue what her temperament is anymore. She has that Fe, she is introverted, she's emotionally smart yet aloof at the same time. It's like a pack of contradictions. Which would point my guess to INFJ. Yet she has these tendencies to act differently, like an ENFP or INFP.
@Sandie33 she's a gemini.

I just want to get a reality check hammer slammed on me so I can move on in any direction. I hate being clueless. When I went to Prague one of my friends told a similar experience he's going through, great guy, smart guy, but he's stuck in a loving friendship for 8 years with a woman that he can't get. It's painful to read his emotions when he talks about her. And like fuck I am going through the same emotional storm as he did.

Romantic: Nope.
Friend: Keep an eye on her, I suppose.


She's a black hole, man, leave it. She's not interested in you, and you won't generate any interest by being interested in her. Move on.

 

[Wyote]

she always closes off herself to me

This is pretty much the only thing you need to observe in order to find your answers

 

[dragulagu]

But I'm only going off this one post. Are you guys coworkers? That complicates things too because workplace relationships can get dicey.

We are coworkers, hos knows more of the whole image but I'm going to pass it by. We had an emotional history in the sense that I confessed
to her, she wanted me as friends, we went further, she got feelings, she tried to get me into a relationship but I rejected her because
I didn't understand it. We had strong feelings towards eachother but we have very different love languages (scorpio vs gemini).

So it got pretty messy. Combine that with a work environment and a third factor I won't go in detail with and it got all screwed up.

So here we are, a year later. I understand that she wants space, that's why I left her be, but it pains me that she takes it all
in to herself. I know how INFP's work, and I respect the internalizing, I do that as well. It's being emotionally drained energetically and
you just wan't to corner yourself for a moment, go through everything to resolve and recharge. People bugging you will justt result in you lashing out to them. But it's painful to me because I understand that position and I rather would like her to
jus to reflect that energy towards me and just get it out of her system a bit. It sucks when you have to internalize emotions within a work environment an just put the mask on and pretend all is fine. It's draining.

Anyway, that's the position we are in. Because she is so guarded I have to put my personal feelings aside and just take
the position as co-oworkers. After all that's what our relation currently is. But it sucks to go through this. I don't want to have her
in a guarded position all the time, I don't want to be in a protective state all the time as well. I just wish we could just resolve this by communicating more.

She's a black hole, man, leave it. She's not interested in you, and you won't generate any interest by being interested in her. Move on.

This is pretty much the only thing you need to observe in order to find your answers

Pretty much..yeah..if she doesn't want to open herself to me, I pretty much know where I stand, her emotions are hers.

Thanks all. Appreciated.

 

[slant]

I'm in a similar situation with an infp male, also a gemini.

For me what I've been playing around with lately is:

Is this relationship healthy for me?

I havent fully figured that out yet.

So far what I've realized to be most effective with him is to hang back and let him lead. So if he starts a social interaction, next time i see him I might try to start a social interaction.

It's very slow and any time he isn't responsive I've learned to pull back hard and wait until he seeks me out again.

It's frustrating, but I get the sense that he already feels really anxious and guilty about his inability to stay consistenly close to others, so pushing him to interact more than he wants intensifies those feelings and makes him withdraw more.

He wants to trust I will accept him fully exactly how he is without needing to understand why he does why he does. It's frustrating. But if I want his friendship those are his terms.

 

[dragulagu]

I'm in a similar situation with an infp male, also a gemini.

For me what I've been playing around with lately is:

Is this relationship healthy for me?

I havent fully figured that out yet.

So far what I've realized to be most effective with him is to hang back and let him lead. So if he starts a social interaction, next time i see him I might try to start a social interaction.

It's very slow and any time he isn't responsive I've learned to pull back hard and wait until he seeks me out again.

It's frustrating, but I get the sense that he already feels really anxious and guilty about his inability to stay consistenly close to others, so pushing him to interact more than he wants intensifies those feelings and makes him withdraw more.

He wants to trust I will accept him fully exactly how he is without needing to understand why he does why he does. It's frustrating. But if I want his friendship those are his terms.

I get the impression that's what Gemini in general are, very fleeting with their feelings. And yeah they do not to want be pushed on too rapidly with emotions.

She intentionally/unintentionally hurt my feelings today, I don't know if she was aware of it or not, but she saw my reaction and didn't react or care.
So I stripped away my remaining feelings I still had towards her, feels like ripping a part from your heart...I still care for her for who she is as a person. But that's about it, I'm moving on.

Anyway, take care slant, I hope you get a better result. It's indeed frustrating, and do take care of your own emotions above all

 

[SpecialEdition]

As a Gemini myself, my impression based solely on what you've written so far is that she probably doesn't trust you because of how things went down in your emotional history.

It sounds to me like she doesn't want to take things to that level and is keeping a buffer between you and herself. My suggestion is to walk away. If she wants something different she's going to have to resolve that on her own and in her own way. You trying to be there for her is probably only going to make it worse. Not that it's a problem with you, but she's got a lot of shit going on with her it sounds like and you might be an agitator even if you really want to be supportive.

 

[dragulagu]

As a Gemini myself, my impression based solely on what you've written so far is that she probably doesn't trust you because of how things went down in your emotional history.

It sounds to me like she doesn't want to take things to that level and is keeping a buffer between you and herself. My suggestion is to walk away. If she wants something different she's going to have to resolve that on her own and in her own way. You trying to be there for her is probably only going to make it worse. Not that it's a problem with you, but she's got a lot of shit going on with her it sounds like and you might be an agitator even if you really want to be supportive.

Yeah, I had that impression as well. Thanks SE, appreciated.

 

[Asa]

Fucccckkkk, @dragulagu.
I understand the predicament. It's a mystery. How intriguing.
It is best to move on because the way she closes you out is a good sign that she isn't interested or that a relationship with her would be "dramatic".
Figuring out her type will solve the mystery, though, and then you'll have closure.

I can't type her based on a little bit of information.

The way you describe her under the surface emotions makes me think she is unstable or fragile, or at the least immature. (I don't know her age but if she is a young Feeler it may simply be her age.)

It doesn't seem healthy to tell someone to go away if you're interested in maintaining friendship or relationship w/ them. There are more polite ways to stress that you need alone time while still treaing the other person well.

 

[dragulagu]

Fucccckkkk, @dragulagu.
I understand the predicament. It's a mystery. How intriguing.
It is best to move on because the way she closes you out is a good sign that she isn't interested or that a relationship with her would be "dramatic".
Figuring out her type will solve the mystery, though, and then you'll have closure.

I can't type her based on a little bit of information.

The way you describe her under the surface emotions makes me think she is unstable or fragile, or at the least immature. (I don't know her age but if she is a young Feeler it may simply be her age.)

It doesn't seem healthy to tell someone to go away if you're interested in maintaining friendship or relationship w/ them. There are more polite ways to stress that you need alone time while still treaing the other person well.

Nah, it's ok, she's 28. There's a lot of factors going on here. She could be searching for her own identity, want to resolve her past problems, want to explore her sexuality, ... . Whatever it is, I'm not the right person to give her that.
She is an adult woman with her own needs and I respect that. It would be stupid to keep dancing in a loop that won't work out anyway. I'm hurt off course, but I can manage it.
There are more polite ways yes (direct ones especially) but that's a lesson for her to learn, not mine.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I don't think it's healthy to stay friends with someone you fell in love with, unless they did too and the decision to be 'just friends' was mutual.

Even so... there's too much lingering baggage there.

 

[Sandie33]

I'll think on this ... she's a she don't forget

Off to a meeting ...

@dragulagu I thought about this a bit from astrological perspective. Is there a way for you to find out her Venus, Mars and Moon placenents. Not not all Gems are alike.

 

[dragulagu]

@dragulagu I thought about this a bit from astrological perspective. Is there a way for you to find out her Venus, Mars and Moon placenents. Not not all Gems are alike.

I can, but I'm not going to, for my own emotional sake. Appreciate it though (I know what you mean).

 

[Daustus]

I don't think it's healthy to stay friends with someone you fell in love with, unless they did too and the decision to be 'just friends' was mutual.

Even so... there's too much lingering baggage there.

This resonated with me. This sounds like a very dramatic time sink that isn't worth exploring further. Good luck though, I empathize.