Does getting inside someone's heart and head scare you?

[XPD154]

That was eight days ago. Really?

Well, I was busy and this forum is fun. I wanted to talk to everybody.

 

[John K]

I can see how all that would happen and I appreciate the warning, but if you don't have love you have nothing and there is no greater love than a man laying down his life for his friends. I've made my choice. I'll risk all that for him. It's worth the danger to me.

I though you might say that . I think most INFJs have had to find their limits the hard way when it comes to unbounded love - I certainly did. The trouble is that we INFJs have inner emotional cliff edges in the dark that we only discover sometimes by falling off them - and our resulting emotional crisis can hurt our loved one really badly as well as ourselves. It's one thing to give up our lives for another, but quite another to lose our emotional stability and clear thinking. Sometimes, as well, part of the risk is that we need to be needed, and we can become dependent on the existence of the other's problems, which can perpetuate them.

We love them better by making sure we are healthy in mind and soul even if this means we don't let them right into our inner core. I'm not saying don't love as much, but it's important to love well. That means taking care of yourself too so that you can continue to love.

 

[XPD154]

I though you might say that . I think most INFJs have had to find their limits the hard way when it comes to unbounded love - I certainly did. The trouble is that we INFJs have inner emotional cliff edges in the dark that we only discover sometimes by falling off them - and our resulting emotional crisis can hurt our loved one really badly as well as ourselves. It's one thing to give up our lives for another, but quite another to lose our emotional stability and clear thinking. Sometimes, as well, part of the risk is that we need to be needed, and we can become dependent on the existence of the other's problems, which can perpetuate them.

We love them better by making sure we are healthy in mind and soul even if this means we don't let them right into our inner core. I'm not saying don't love as much, but it's important to love well. That means taking care of yourself too so that you can continue to love.

You're right of course, but in the meantime I'm deep diving head first into his soul and I'll be literally doing it when I take him skydiving so I can bond with him doing manly, action based activities that he's interested in. Am I taking care of myself by jumping out of a perfectly good airplane? -no. It's dangerous and stupid, but it makes me feel alive and is the perfect metaphor for my situation. He may be the death of me, but at least I won't be bored or lonely.

 

[TomasM]

I though you might say that . I think most INFJs have had to find their limits the hard way when it comes to unbounded love - I certainly did. The trouble is that we INFJs have inner emotional cliff edges in the dark that we only discover sometimes by falling off them - and our resulting emotional crisis can hurt our loved one really badly as well as ourselves. It's one thing to give up our lives for another, but quite another to lose our emotional stability and clear thinking. Sometimes, as well, part of the risk is that we need to be needed, and we can become dependent on the existence of the other's problems, which can perpetuate them.

We love them better by making sure we are healthy in mind and soul even if this means we don't let them right into our inner core. I'm not saying don't love as much, but it's important to love well. That means taking care of yourself too so that you can continue to love.

I couldn't agree more. It took me a good deal of growth before I could identify the pitfalls of idealistic INFJ love. To me, it was essential to discover that it is unfair to bring the expectations of an INFJ to the relationship table because most other types are incapable of reciprocating what we deliver. This creates frustration and disappointment in the INFJ, hence the dark cliffs. I have to say that it's not fair that we have this built-in tragedy BUT equally and more importantly [IMO], this shouldn't be pushed onto other people (most people) who are incapable of understanding or processing it. When we are young it is impossible to see this but as we grow and reflect on the past it starts to become quite clear. When young, we just want to feel better and so caution is thrown to the wind - often because desires and needs were not met in childhood.

There are good lessons to be learned here but I suspect that sometimes a steak is just too tempting when placed at the feet of a wolf / coyote / bear...

 

[aeon]

To me, it was essential to discover that it is unfair to bring the expectations of an INFJ to the relationship table

Not that they can be avoided entirely, but I find life more enjoyable absent expectations, and particularly so in relationships of all kinds.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[TomasM]

Not that they can be avoided entirely, but I find life more enjoyable absent expectations, and particularly so in relationships of all kinds.

Cheers,
Ian

When we are young, I think these are unconscious expectations and more related to emotional connecting than tangible. Ultimately, all relationships have expectations because time is limited in this life and we have to choose where and how each moment is spent or engaged. The closest I have found that doesn't include expectations [from my experience] is from parent to child (this is where it comes full circle for the INFJ and NF's).

 

[Wyote]

I suspect that sometimes a steak is just too tempting when placed at the feet of a wolf / coyote / bear...

Everything is tempting when you're a coyote, nothing is in-edible

 

[aeon]

The closest I have found that doesn't include expectations [from my experience] is from parent to child (this is where it comes full circle for the INFJ and NF's).

@TomasM , the Fortunate Son.

Best,
Ian

 

[TomasM]

Everything is tempting when you're a coyote, nothing is in-edible

Yeah, I threw that one in for you. Thought you might get a kick out of it.

@TomasM , the Fortunate Son.

Good song. It's hard to keep things in perspective but we all do the best we can with what was given at ground zero. I think all NF's struggle with this, myself included. Fortunate is not a word that comes to mind during reflection - adversity and pressure seem more relatable.

 

[XPD154]

Guys, I get it. I do. But:
I can't help how I feel. I know y'all can understand and sense that. I understand I'm not going to get everything I need or want from most of my relationships in life. I learned that long ago from relatives. I want to make those sacrifices for him. I want to use him as spiritual exercise to help me be less selfish. I'm really glad y'all are using intuition to protect younger, starry eyed INFJ's. Again, I can't help it. It's just the way my character is written this season - if you will.

Honestly, I just wish I had a girlfriend I felt this strongly about too. Talk about not getting everything you need, am I right? Lol

 

[Hyacinth]

Guys, I get it. I do. But:
I can't help how I feel. I know y'all can understand and sense that. I understand I'm not going to get everything I need or want from most of my relationships in life. I learned that long ago from relatives. I want to make those sacrifices for him. I want to use him as spiritual exercise to help me be less selfish. I'm really glad y'all are using intuition to protect younger, starry eyed INFJ's. Again, I can't help it. It's just the way my character is written this season - if you will.

Honestly, I just wish I had a girlfriend I felt this strongly about too. Talk about not getting everything you need, am I right? Lol

Hi I am new to this group but when you wrote about your feelings about your dear friend, it really touched me. I read later where you stated you were embarrassed about it but please keep in mind that by placing it out there other INFJs like myself can read it. It makes all of my experiences in life not feel so crazy. I have been labeled everything under the sun because people misunderstand us so it’s great to have a forum where others have the capacity to understand me. I’ve rarely ever felt safe telling others how I felt because things become so twisted on me. When I would make comments at work about how I love everyone like theyre my brothers and sisters I would get laughed at. Truth be told it is extremely hard imo to be us. I have been pushed out of the corporate world from being ganged up on and bullied out. Women and competition is the worst and believe it or not misogyny from mostly women, believe it or not, is a constant issue for me. They try to force me to conform and the hatred that is spewed out on a daily basis sometimes becomes more than I can bare. But reading your beautiful post about you and your friend honestly restores some of my hope in humanity again. I’ve been surrounded by so many negative ppl that I have slowly realized that their negativity was slowly creeping into me changing me, it’s nice to come across someone who changes my viewpoint for the better and sees such beauty in another individual just like I do. It’s just I have learned from experience not to show it in its entirety because our love overwhelms other types not like us. They aren’t used to being THAT seen so I have learned to dial it back substantially

 

[XPD154]

Hi I am new to this group but when you wrote about your feelings about your dear friend, it really touched me. I read later where you stated you were embarrassed about it but please keep in mind that by placing it out there other INFJs like myself can read it. It makes all of my experiences in life not feel so crazy. I have been labeled everything under the sun because people misunderstand us so it’s great to have a forum where others have the capacity to understand me. I’ve rarely ever felt safe telling others how I felt because things become so twisted on me. When I would make comments at work about how I love everyone like theyre my brothers and sisters I would get laughed at. Truth be told it is extremely hard imo to be us. I have been pushed out of the corporate world from being ganged up on and bullied out. Women and competition is the worst and believe it or not misogyny from mostly women, believe it or not, is a constant issue for me. They try to force me to conform and the hatred that is spewed out on a daily basis sometimes becomes more than I can bare. But reading your beautiful post about you and your friend honestly restores some of my hope in humanity again. I’ve been surrounded by so many negative ppl that I have slowly realized that their negativity was slowly creeping into me changing me, it’s nice to come across someone who changes my viewpoint for the better and sees such beauty in another individual just like I do. It’s just I have learned from experience not to show it in its entirety because our love overwhelms other types not like us. They aren’t used to being THAT seen so I have learned to dial it back substantially

I'm so glad you said that. There's a Bible verse that says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Don't let these other people infect you with nastiness.

 

[Hyacinth]

I'm so glad you said that. There's a Bible verse that says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Don't let these other people infect you with nastiness.

I have learned through experience that corporate America isn’t for me. In order to preserve my sanity I now am applying for my second job and plan to keep two jobs to make up for my one because keeping my sanity is worth the extra toll it will take on my body. Trying to fit in inside of places that doesn’t respect or value you isn’t worth it. I’d rather work alone or with a few ppl than surrounded by shallowness and competition. I found what works for me, I hope others have the ability to do the same because it is important. I no longer go into spaces that doesn’t allow for someone like me. I make myself my priority versus waiting for others to care about me because rarely has it ever happened so I’ve learned not to give others my power. It’s not worth it when they try to destroy you, I’d rather be alone than in the wrong company.

 

[XPD154]

I have learned through experience that corpora

I have learned through experience that corporate America isn’t for me. In order to preserve my sanity I now am applying for my second job and plan to keep two jobs to make up for my one because keeping my sanity is worth the extra toll it will take on my body. Trying to fit in inside of places that doesn’t respect or value you isn’t worth it. I’d rather work alone or with a few ppl than surrounded by shallowness and competition. I found what works for me, I hope others have the ability to do the same because it is important. I no longer go into spaces that doesn’t allow for someone like me. I make myself my priority versus waiting for others to care about me because rarely has it ever happened so I’ve learned not to give others my power. It’s not worth it when they try to destroy you, I’d rather be alone than in the wrong company.

te America isn’t for me. In order to preserve my sanity I now am applying for my second job and plan to keep two jobs to make up for my one because keeping my sanity is worth the extra toll it will take on my body. Trying to fit in inside of places that doesn’t respect or value you isn’t worth it. I’d rather work alone or with a few ppl than surrounded by shallowness and competition. I found what works for me, I hope others have the ability to do the same because it is important. I no longer go into spaces that doesn’t allow for someone like me. I make myself my priority versus waiting for others to care about me because rarely has it ever happened so I’ve learned not to give others my power. It’s not worth it when they try to destroy you, I’d rather be alone than in the wrong

I have learned through experience that corporate America isn’t for me. In order to preserve my sanity I now am applying for my second job and plan to keep two jobs to make up for my one because keeping my sanity is worth the extra toll it will take on my body. Trying to fit in inside of places that doesn’t respect or value you isn’t worth it. I’d rather work alone or with a few ppl than surrounded by shallowness and competition. I found what works for me, I hope others have the ability to do the same because it is important. I no longer go into spashces that doesn’t allow for someone like me. I make myself my priority versus waiting for others to care about me because rarely has it ever happened so I’ve learned not to give others my power. It’s not worth it when they try to destroy you, I’d rather be alone than in the wrong company.

You're right. Shake the dust of that place off your feet. Get away from them. Honestly, I'm going through the same thing. My friend is the only thing that keeps me sane there. I have to focus on him or my favorite show or I'll go crazy. When we had our falling out, I was going to quit because of all the other hostilities. Corporate America is not kind to the INFJ. But I found to my surprise I couldn't let him go. I said I didn't want it to end that way and he said the same. I thought he was teaming up against me the whole time with the others, but he was shocked that I thought that. Honestly, I just ignore them all now except him and a few others.

 

[Hyacinth]

You're right. Shake the dust of that place off your feet. Get away from them. Honestly, I'm going through the same thing. My friend is the only thing that keeps me sane there. I have to focus on him or my favorite show or I'll go crazy. When we had our falling out, I was going to quit because of all the other hostilities. Corporate America is not kind to the INFJ. But I found to my surprise I couldn't let him go. I said I didn't want it to end that way and he said the same. I thought he was teaming up against me the whole time with the others, but he was shocked that I thought that. Honestly, I just ignore them all now except him and a few others.

I get it. I definitely developed neurotic behavior and tendencies being surrounded by the wrong type of individuals within the wrong type of environment. It’s in my best interest to stay as far away from that as I can get or I start developing the exact behavior that I avoid in others. I don’t want to BE them, I want to grow from them not go down with them because it’s never good to become part of the problem only in becoming part of the solution. I do recognize certain personality types were never the issue as much as the issue seemed only occur when insults on my intelligence were given. I’m not stupid I just process information in patterns versus their way of going line by line by line.

 

[XPD154]

I get it. I definitely developed neurotic behavior and tendencies being surrounded by the wrong type of individuals within the wrong type of environment. It’s in my best interest to stay as far away from that as I can get or I start developing the exact behavior that I avoid in others. I don’t want to BE them, I want to grow from them not go down with them because it’s never good to become part of the problem only in becoming part of the solution. I do recognize certain personality types were never the issue as much as the issue seemed only occur when insults on my intelligence were given. I’m not stupid I just process information in patterns versus their way of going line by line by line.

That's what I've always said. I don't want to look or act like these people!

 

[Hyacinth]

That's what I've always said. I don't want to look or act like these people!

I’m telling you they’ll pull you into their world if you’re not careful. Luckily I’m in a better surrounding now both in my personal and professional life so things are way better on me mentally.

 

[XPD154]

Hi I am new to this group but when you wrote about your feelings about your dear friend, it really touched me. I read later where you stated you were embarrassed about it but please keep in mind that by placing it out there other INFJs like myself can read it. It makes all of my experiences in life not feel so crazy. I have been labeled everything under the sun because people misunderstand us so it’s great to have a forum where others have the capacity to understand me. I’ve rarely ever felt safe telling others how I felt because things become so twisted on me. When I would make comments at work about how I love everyone like theyre my brothers and sisters I would get laughed at. Truth be told it is extremely hard imo to be us. I have been pushed out of the corporate world from being ganged up on and bullied out. Women and competition is the worst and believe it or not misogyny from mostly women, believe it or not, is a constant issue for me. They try to force me to conform and the hatred that is spewed out on a daily basis sometimes becomes more than I can bare. But reading your beautiful post about you and your friend honestly restores some of my hope in humanity again. I’ve been surrounded by so many negative ppl that I have slowly realized that their negativity was slowly creeping into me changing me, it’s nice to come across someone who changes my viewpoint for the better and sees such beauty in another individual just like I do. It’s just I have learned from experience not to show it in its entirety because our love overwhelms other types not like us. They aren’t used to being THAT seen so I have learned to dial it back substantially

Well, I told him I was writing about him on here and how all these INFJ's were eating it up like candy. I assured him I was keeping it discreet. I told him, "Try not to puke, but here's what I wrote..." We both couldn't look each other in the eye and just walked off in opposite directions. It’s a guy thing. We were talking like normal 30 mins later. It was worth my own blushing discomfort to make him cringe.

 

[Hyacinth]

Well, I told him I was writing about him on here and how all these INFJ's were eating it up like candy. I assured him I was keeping it discreet. I told him, "Try not to puke, but here's what I wrote..." We both couldn't look each other in the eye and just walked off in opposite directions. It’s a guy thing. We were talking like normal 30 mins later. It was worth my own blushing discomfort to make him cringe.

That’s what friends are for I love it