Do you lose yourself when you like or love someone? | INFJ Forum

Do you lose yourself when you like or love someone?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, May 24, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    So, do you lose yourself when you like or are "in love" with someone?


    Have you ever thought about or identified the reasons why?


    How do you manage your feelings so that you don't? Or how do you avoid this?
     
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    #1 Gaze, May 24, 2010
    Last edited: May 24, 2010
  2. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    Yea, I become an emotional idiot so to speak. I don't know how to handle it, I just kinda live on the high until it fades into a more realistic flow.
     
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  3. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I used to do this. I made myself miserable doing this. I really felt and believed that love hurt, and that that was normal. But, I was co-dependent.

    You may want to look into co-dependency btw.

    I don't do this anymore, and haven't for a few years now. What seemed to help me through it was spending time being kind to myself.. I had to work on forgiving myself for whatever happened in the past and various shortcomings, weaknesses, and mistakes.. and basically redefine how I felt and what I thought about who I was. I had to get comfortable with myself, because, I have to admit it- I lost myself in other people to hide from who I was.

    Once I got strong enough in myself I could disagree with love interests and tell them no without fear of losing them.


    I found relationships are much more stable and long lasting AND fulfilling and relaxing and satisfying when I can disagree with my partners and maintain my own identity. And I'm forever in awe of how far I've come in overcoming the whole losing-myself-in-someone-compulsion. You can get through it.
     
    #3 acd, May 24, 2010
    Last edited: May 24, 2010
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  4. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    what acd said, good post.

    I had this happen to me three times in my life and once you're on that rollercoaster it can be hard to get off. I find regular reality checks really help with things like this.
     
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  5. OP
    Gaze

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    I think another reason for these feelings sometimes stems from the reasons why we're attracted or like someone. If someone has a quality or trait which we admire or feel we lack, then the attraction may become centered around a sense that we're inadequate because we lack that quality. So, the feelings of insecurity find a home in idea of someone as better or superior. Hmm.
     
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    #5 Gaze, May 24, 2010
    Last edited: May 24, 2010
  6. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Makes sense. If you were brought up where you constantly had to prove yourself as this or that then it would translate to your adult relationships.

    And self-acceptance is key, but it's a battle to get there. So, keep battling.
     
  7. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    How else do you do it then? By just accepting that you were taught a bunch of stuff that makes you unhappy and that you don't want to adhere to? Either way, you're accepting something. Accept what makes you miserable or accept what could make you feel free.

    You do need to change your way of thinking. Others are not going to change for you. Do you think that those you want to remain in favor with worry so much about whether or not they are meeting your expectations--to the point that they will deny themselves their own feelings and opinions? Who could sustain any relationship like that? It would be baseless.

    As far as following social norms, I'm confused. There are certain societal expectations people adhere to. I don't understand what that has to do with interfering with accepting yourself.

    There's nothing simple about self-acceptance. I didn't mean to sound glib about it in my initial post. It's a very very difficult process. I felt for the longest time like I had locked myself in a room with myself and wasn't allowed out until I had resolved something. Lots of exhausting reflection and I had to look at things that weren't pretty in order to accept they were there: And work on them. It's a constant process.


    It takes tons of concentration and careful disciplining of thoughts into a new pattern. Lots of self convo. A thought pops up that says, "You've failed!" And you've got to consciously counter it until it becomes second nature. You deserve to feel confident and good about yourself. You deserve and have a right to your own feelings and opinions no matter who disagrees. You deserve to feel good about who you are.


    Not everything will be ok once you've changed your thinking or your self-concept. But you'll be much more well equipped to handle conflict and trouble in a relationship. That's what creates stability. A relationship isn't good based on how infrequent the disagreements and arguments are: It's based on how those involved deal with disagreements and arguments.
     
    #7 acd, May 24, 2010
    Last edited: May 24, 2010
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  8. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    What is so difficult about negotiating these things? Why always give yourself the short end of the stick? You are responsible for your thoughts and feelings and behaviors.

    If the situation isn't good or working for you, couldn't you think of a different way to approach it? A way that would be more fulfilling for you while still fulfilling your duty to whomever?

    If you yourself, as you did in your OP, call something a bad habit is it not a cop out to make all these excuses such as: I have to put others before myself. How is that realistic?

    So you're essentially obligating yourself to a life time bad habit. Because to you, that's what successful interacting is: A series of bad habits?


    Wonderful luxury? Ha. You're mocking me now. This is probably why you delete so many of your posts. That's fine mock me. I just wish you understood that you can value yourself and have confidence in yourself without neglecting those who you obligate yourself to.

    It's not a luxury, btw. It's hard fucking work in a world where one is constantly beaten down by having to prove themself. I just refuse to beat myself up anymore for not being Mrs. Wonderful for anyone.
    I have responsibilities and obligations and relationships of my own. I have to compromise and sacrifice just like anyone else to make things work. I just don't make myself a ghost to do it.
     
    #8 acd, May 24, 2010
    Last edited: May 24, 2010
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  9. OP
    Gaze

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    I've edited the original post to questions open to everyone. I don't want to continue derailing the thread by focusing on my personal experience or feelings about this topic or issue. Those who've posted feel free to edit their posts to reflect this change in focus.
     
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  10. That Girl

    That Girl Do you have my answers?
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    I just stopped doing this in my current relationship and honestly, it takes awhile to get comfortable with. I feel mean sometimes because I push forward my personal feelings on a subject. If an argument came up in an old relationship of mine I would simply yield and agree. Now, I won't back down unless I am given a reason to. If I believe someone is acting irrational I call them out on it. I'm not going to change the books I like, the video games I play, the movies I watch, or the music I listen to just because the other person doesn't like what I like. I may concede to not doing those things when they are around (aside from the books) because I want to be nice and considerate of their likes and dislikes, but I refuse to change these days. I like who I am now. I'm comfortable with being myself, and I don't feel the need to fluctuate who I am in attempts to find a better me.
    I'm not sure what caused the change. I think I may have gotten fed up with falling in love with the idea of people. I became tired of dating the people I wanted to be as opposed to dating the people I wanted to love. I think I could have had one of my relationships continue if I hadn't of tried to change myself. I don't ever want such doubts again.
     
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  11. OP
    Gaze

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    Yeah, this^^^.
     
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  12. rbecca23

    rbecca23 Regular Poster

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    If you've lost yourself, can you call it love?
     
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  13. OP
    Gaze

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    hmm. Could you explain?
     
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  14. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    in a way, yeah. its annoying sometimes.
     
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  15. Melkor

    Melkor Madman with a cause

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    No...

    But I sometimes lose my mind, and rare still, my icy cold composure.
     
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  16. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    Yes. It's hard to spot, but yes.
     
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  17. Roger

    Roger ...

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    1. When i know something like or i am beloved by anyone, i become more grounded.

    2. Yes, i asked to them why so, if they want to keep in their heart, i keep it in that way, otherwise close eyes and ask to their souls. Answer appears after some time or by time.

    3. I try not to avoid. yes, i true make sure it. Go ahead with those feelings and you will come to know about its nature.
     
  18. rbecca23

    rbecca23 Regular Poster

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    Love is about sacrifice, I'm sure we all could agree on that. But there's a fine line. For some reason, I feel like society has put it into our heads, especially those of us who are more sensitive, that love is only love if we completely strip ourselves of personal freedom and convince ourselves that our significant other is End all, Be all. Or we put it into our own heads. We place ourselves in a position of fulfilling a 'higher cause.'

    Sometimes, we lose ourselves, because we subconsciously push our responsibilities onto the other person. It's a good excuse not to face ourselves AND be part of a worthier, 'higher' cause.

    I'm not sure if I'm making complete sense, but I'll think more on it and get back to you.
     
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  19. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    I think some great points have been brought up here...wanting to be the person who your dating wants to love...Trying to fit the mold so to speak...well I got tired of trying to fit the mold...I got tired of the pretty boys and their expectations.

    I went for Real people. some one I didnt have to pretend to be something I wasnt...

    and, ya know...thats all anyone ever wants in a relationship...is to be REAL with each other.
     
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  20. OP
    Gaze

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    No, it makes perfect sense. I agree. We've been taught to think of love as this all consuming, all encompassing force, which we should be willing to sacrifice ourselves to the ends of the earth for. This sets up unrealistic expectations, because it makes the object of our affections responsible for fulfilling our highest expectations for love. Not realistic in the least. It also encourages the idea that we should give love without it being earned. In other words, we should simply love completely without the other person having to work for it. So, yeah, totally not good way of looking at it.
     
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