Do you give too much?

Ghoulia Yelps

Ghoulia Yelps

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
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I feel very tired and drained from fulfillment of obligations I shouldn't have taken.
Now I just have to say no when things come up.
I don't like to say no, but once I get involved in a project etc. I feel responsible for it.
It becomes a part of my life, especially if it's something I enjoy doing.
I was asked recently to help with a video puppet show, I love doing things like that.
I am very creative. I ended up saying I didn't want to do it because it would have been an emotional investment.
Money I don't have, but my heart and soul goes into a project, then other people take the credit.
I sang a lot of vocals for an album last year, put my heart into it, then the person who I did it for fell out with me and deleted it and didn't even give me a credit.
I need to find more strength to do things for me and not put others first.
 
Some times when you're starting out, you end up putting a lot of work into something and not getting credit for it. It might not be what's right, but it's often the case that people lower in the structure do a lot of the hands-on work, while those higher up are responsible for managing, creating the ideas, and/or taking responsibility for what goes wrong.

Putting yourself into a project is a great qualities. To be successful you need to work hard, be devoted, and love what you do (these are always the keys to success, but I've learned that it's helpful). I have also learned that sometimes the experience you gain for doing something is much more valuable than receiving the credit.

For example, I've managed many research projects, stayed late, worked my butt off, and was the sole reason anything was done. I didn't get the credit, but I did gain the experience, which has lead to many many other valuable and career building opportunities.

Additionally, you need to know when to say yes and when to say no to projects...this is a hard thing to learn, especially when you're starting out and opening doors- but it is critical for your time balance. You can't do everything and give everything you're all...so you pick and choose, and put everything into what you decide to do.
 
I used to. Not anymore.

Learning to say no, and when to care for yourself first is an essential skill. It's hard at first and can feel pretty bad, but ultimately you begin to see the consequences of giving too much far outweigh putting your foot down. Honestly, the latter almost never does damage.
 
Hard said:
I used to. Not anymore.

Learning to say no, and when to care for yourself first is an essential skill. It's hard at first and can feel pretty bad, but ultimately you begin to see the consequences of giving too much far outweigh putting your foot down. Honestly, the latter almost never does damage.
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I agree with this too.

I think it depends what context that you're referring too. Personally, or professionally.
 
Agree. I've had to learn this lesson myself. I like putting my all into something, but it's best not to do for anyone but yourself. This way you are not disappointed if your sacrifice is not recognized or appreciated. I've had to step back and put myself first in ways I've never done before. It may not be understood, but it was necessary to set up boundaries so that at the end of the day, I am happier with myself and doing things for my personal satisfaction whether or not they appreciate it.
 
yes. but I have tried to do what makes me happy while trying not to be taken for granted. it's very difficult.
 
I give a lot when I choose to do so, and I'm glad to do it.
 
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I feel like I'm getting to the point where I really have to put myself first and stop serving other people because I am quickly losing my identity.
 
Ghoulia Yelps said:
I feel like I'm getting to the point where I really have to put myself first and stop serving other people because I am quickly losing my identity.
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Taking care of yourself is key to taking care of others :)
 
I totally understand your plight. INFJ are usually self-less people and tend to give much more than receive (which is fine until someone abuses our trust). So just be selective and listen to your gut feelings when it comes to deciding on whether to take on a project or not. :)

I fell out with a so-called 'close friend' recently because i felt that i was being used unfairly. Long story short, this 'friend' on short notice approached me for help to craft a bridal bouquet just a day before her wedding (she didn't want to buy it off the shelves because of budget constraints and knew that i'm good at crafts). So of course i said yes, immediately took the day off, drove to the florist with her, got the wholesale flowers and together we spent the rest of the afternoon on making the DIY bouquet. We both liked the outcome of the bouquet. Sounds great so far?

When she returned home, her then to-be husband disliked certain details of the DIY bouquet we have made and decided to buy a brand new bouquet of the shelves for their wedding instead. She then told me about the incident and i was fuming pissed (I rarely get angry with my friends). She explained that she very much like the bouquet we have created together but her husband didn't like it and he called the shots.

Well firstly, she shouldn't have approached me for help if she doesn't have any say in her relationship with the husband. Secondly, my friend was constantly on the phone quarreling with her to-be husband that very day. They should have sorted out their priorities/differences before involving anyone else. Obviously they thought the world revolves around them at that point of time. It was extremely heart-breaking that they didn't respect my time and effort. I was upset not because of personal pride but because my friend didn't stand up for me or for herself. She kept saying sorry to me but she failed to see the real problem. It's not about 'sorrys', it's about basic human respect. Nobody should treat their friend like that. Do you see that I became the fool between the two of them? In the end, i wished her all the best in her marriage and i chose not attend their wedding.

How would you feel if you were in my position? What would you have done? I gave all i could. I very much dislike disputes, but i think i did the right thing. At least i have a backbone. It's all for the better.
 
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