[INFJ] Do we outgrow certain people?

Artemisia

Artemisia

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Nine months ago, my best friend of 7 years decided she no longer wanted to keep in contact with me. For some strange reason, things in her life were going downhill and when I went to one of her lectures, her contact lens fell out (!!), her lecture was terrible, and for some reason she presumed that every time she was with me, bad things happened to her. So basically since September she and I have not spoken to each other.

What is strange is that in the past I used to be very emotional about losing close friendships. With this one, even though we were very close, it did not affect me at all. Basically I do not miss her friendship, which is a new feeling for me. So, do INFJs outgrow people they were once close to? Or is it that some friendships/relationships have run their course and we have nothing to teach each other anymore? I do feel that she and I have both changed as people since seven years ago.
 
Artemisia said:
So, do INFJs outgrow people they were once close to? Or is it that some friendships/relationships have run their course and we have nothing to teach each other anymore?
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I suspect that all of these are very real possibilities depending on the situation. Personally, my childhood best friend is an INFP and I've since distanced myself from him. We're just at different places in life, and I don't care to try and bridge that gap. He can swim in his river, and I'll keep swimming in mine.
 
Artemisia said:
For some strange reason, things in her life were going downhill and when I went to one of her lectures, her contact lens fell out (!!), her lecture was terrible, and for some reason she presumed that every time she was with me, bad things happened to her. So basically since September she and I have not spoken to each other.
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I don't know why you would miss someone who blamed you for their random 'bad luck' and cut off the friendship because of it. Did she think you were doing voodoo?

I do believe we outgrow some people.
 
I think we do. A few years ago I was close with my cousin, until I realized I was always the one contacting her. I tried to see what would happen if I didn't reach out to her for a while, and... we haven't seen each other since. Right now our lives are so different (she has 2 kids, I'm still in college) that I wouldn't know what to say to her if I would see her again. Sometimes I think it's regrettable, but then I realize she never missed my company in the first place. So I moved on.
 
I'd say the latter, that sometimes friendships run their course and people can grow apart. I would hesitate to call it a specific trait of INFJs. Seven years is definitely time enough to go quite a few steps down different paths.
 
Sloe Djinn said:
I'd say the latter, that sometimes friendships run their course and people can grow apart. I would hesitate to call it a specific trait of INFJs. Seven years is definitely time enough to go quite a few steps down different paths.
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We were basically in grad school together and when we both graduated we grew even closer together. In fact, the year before we grew apart we became closer than ever. That's why it is all sad for me.
 
It sounds like she was a bit unbalanced, so perhaps it's a relief that she chose to leave the friendship?

I think that all relationships teach us something about ourselves. We evolve through our relationships, in a way. I think we can outgrow the closeness of a relationship but not necessarily the person unless that person refuses to evolve as well. Stagnation does not support growth.
 
I have a friend whom I met when I was 16 who moved off to Italy for a few years for the Navy and has dropped all communication from anyone around the area upon the end of his contract. We were once best buddies and I still miss hanging out with him and talking for hours on the phone, even half way across the globe. It's been 2 and a half years since I've heard from him and even before then I was the one attempting to reach out. He got married and then suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. My other good friend has known him since childhood and even he doesn't hear from him anymore.

Whatever he's doing (living the married life I assume) I hope he's in good health. I know he is. One day we'll catch up, but I'm fine with long periods of absence.
 
koizora said:
I think we do. A few years ago I was close with my cousin, until I realized I was always the one contacting her. I tried to see what would happen if I didn't reach out to her for a while, and... we haven't seen each other since. Right now our lives are so different (she has 2 kids, I'm still in college) that I wouldn't know what to say to her if I would see her again. Sometimes I think it's regrettable, but then I realize she never missed my company in the first place. So I moved on.
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Similar case here. I'd known someone for over 10 years, and she had her family, and I don't think I fit into world anymore, so we've lost contact. I still see her occasionally, and she's cool, but I'd rather not have any contact at all. Partly because I started to feel as if I was the one contacting her or trying to initiate plans, and she was just very passive. It got tiring. Sometimes, people are not connecting anymore, or feel they don't have anything in common when major life events occur in their lives, so they lose touch with people. Can't say I don't understand but I am not going to keep trying with someone who doesn't want to continue the friendship. Sometimes, it's in our own best interest to let these people go, if they're not going to be around or be available. My new philosophy is "You do you, and I do me." :) It's not worth it to give time or attention to people who don't respect, haven't earned, or appreciate it.
 
Paths diverge. Honestly it sounds like she is doing you a favor
 
I outgrew my older brother.

In the end I was a couple of inches taller than he was.
 
I wouldn't attribute growth to breakdowns in relations, but a failure to grow, or perhaps a failure to mutually foster growth.

If someone refuses to grow, or attempts to impede personal growth, I'd call that offensive, and would seek to terminate relations. This isn't what I'd call growth either, but something more akin to pruning, for the sake of better growth.

Exhausting the scope of interest and/or enjoyment with another person, and moving on, is shallow, retrograde, and extends the "throw away culture." This isn't growth, but atrophy imo.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
Something more akin to pruning.
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okay, that's an hilarious analogy. Sorry, you've been pruned from my life or Ive just been pruned from someone's life. Cut away the dead wood. Trim the hedges. Weeding. All funny analogies.

It's interesting when people come back into my life after long or short periods of absence. Whether it's a result of their actions, mine, or both doesn't really matter as long as there are no ill feelings about it. I can pick up with some people where we left off sometimes after years have passed. Sometimes I can have one or a few intense encounters and never have anything else between myself and that same person. I'm not sure it's about quantity as much as it is quality for me. Sometimes a brief encounter with someone can change my life. Intersting topic.
 
I'm sorry for you losing your friend. But after losing my friend of 25 years, lifelong like a sister. I understand this pretty well. Sometimes were thrown together and make the most of it and hold on even when the friendship is a mismatch or unequal. Honestly her thinking a friend is bad luck is just cuckoo. But maybe shes jealous of you and feels insecure in her own life. That is still not something you should bother with. If shes chosen to leave, you are better for it i think.
 
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