I am an INFJ and my enneagram type is 4w5 (self preservation). I have been reading about the enneagram for several months and after years and years of tireless searching- I have almost found myself. When I was 11 my mother died of breast cancer and ever since then- my life has never been the same. I have always felt that I am lacking something from the pit of my soul and once I could obtain that something- than I would be complete and feel whole. I will call this something "X". I have spent my almost my whole life searching for X. I have always thought that if I could obtain X, then I could start living my life and be happy. I have tried replacing to fill this void and have thought that "X" was money, drugs, men, weight loss, perfect health, and education. I have realized that once I obtain "X" that this void is not filled and I am on to the next thing. I have always felt damaged, broken, lacking and not good enough ever since I was a little girl. It has not mattered what I have achieved- even if it's an enormous goal- I still feel like I am lacking. I just finished Culinary School in December, but don't feel that I fit into the Culinary Industry. So after finishing four years of college and learning more about my MBIT and enneagram type I truly believe that my purpose in life is to help other people and I believe that I could do that my obtaining a Doctorate in Psychology and teaching at a university. I am pretty sure that this is what I want to do, but I can't be for sure. I love learning about psychology and I feel that my purpose in life is tied to my career and being a chef doesn't align with being to help others on a deep level. I have always been fascinated in learning how and why the human brain works and why people in a society act the ways that they do. I am very passionate about the study of people and I spend all of my free time learning about it.
I don't know if my newfound career goal is just another way to obtain "X" or if this is truly my life's purpose. I feel that it is, but I have spent so much time and energy trying to fill this void- that I am having trouble seeing clearly. My delimia is that I am 28 years old and I am type 1 diabetic, with a few other health problems, I have no living family or support system, and to be completely honest I am worn the hell out from trying to achieve whatever "X" is. In the past 5 years- I have overcame drug addiction, obtained 2 college degrees, lost over 60 pounds this year, survived a diabetic coma, and have gotten my diabetes under perfect control. I have extreme discipline: I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't eat carbohydrates, and I work out 5 days a week, ect. I also can not have children due to my diabetes and since I have no living family- and since I love to learn- I figured "Why not go all the way with my education"? I just feel so burned out physically- I feel like I have been fighting for so long- that I almost have no fight left in me. Before I peruse a doctorates degree that will take me 9 years to complete- I just have to be sure that this it and not just another way to fill the void.
Last night as I was lying in bed I had a realization and I realized what "X" is. I started thinking of what it would take for me to feel whole. This is what I discovered:
X = love, self acceptance, gratitude, self love, knowing I am perfect just how I am, living in the moment, simplicity, be similar and not different from others, education (but not killing myself to obtain it), God, tranquility, real friends, understanding, grace, and beauty
It was light a light when off when I discovered this. I would be happy and feel whole with all of these things- if I were just to live in the moment and stop chasing my tail.
But- I know that I will never be happy being a chef and I feel like I have to choose X over going back to school. It's so hard for me to be working on a goal and to be completely happy in the moment with the way things are at the present time.
What should I do? Give up on my dreams and try to be happy in the moment or go for the goal and complete my education and fulfill my purpose in life?
I'm tired of fighting it.. I don't want to give up, but I am getting very tired- physically.
Thank you for reading this- sorry if it doesn't make much sense- I am just trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head and I am really seeking some understanding and advice.
I don't know if my newfound career goal is just another way to obtain "X" or if this is truly my life's purpose. I feel that it is, but I have spent so much time and energy trying to fill this void- that I am having trouble seeing clearly. My delimia is that I am 28 years old and I am type 1 diabetic, with a few other health problems, I have no living family or support system, and to be completely honest I am worn the hell out from trying to achieve whatever "X" is. In the past 5 years- I have overcame drug addiction, obtained 2 college degrees, lost over 60 pounds this year, survived a diabetic coma, and have gotten my diabetes under perfect control. I have extreme discipline: I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't eat carbohydrates, and I work out 5 days a week, ect. I also can not have children due to my diabetes and since I have no living family- and since I love to learn- I figured "Why not go all the way with my education"? I just feel so burned out physically- I feel like I have been fighting for so long- that I almost have no fight left in me. Before I peruse a doctorates degree that will take me 9 years to complete- I just have to be sure that this it and not just another way to fill the void.
Last night as I was lying in bed I had a realization and I realized what "X" is. I started thinking of what it would take for me to feel whole. This is what I discovered:
X = love, self acceptance, gratitude, self love, knowing I am perfect just how I am, living in the moment, simplicity, be similar and not different from others, education (but not killing myself to obtain it), God, tranquility, real friends, understanding, grace, and beauty
It was light a light when off when I discovered this. I would be happy and feel whole with all of these things- if I were just to live in the moment and stop chasing my tail.
But- I know that I will never be happy being a chef and I feel like I have to choose X over going back to school. It's so hard for me to be working on a goal and to be completely happy in the moment with the way things are at the present time.
What should I do? Give up on my dreams and try to be happy in the moment or go for the goal and complete my education and fulfill my purpose in life?
I'm tired of fighting it.. I don't want to give up, but I am getting very tired- physically.
Thank you for reading this- sorry if it doesn't make much sense- I am just trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head and I am really seeking some understanding and advice.
