[INFJ] - Difficulty letting people go | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Difficulty letting people go

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by BcL, Nov 29, 2020.

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  1. BcL

    BcL Newbie

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    Any infjs here ever had trouble letting go of any friends or relationships that ended years ago?

    I daydream and think about friendships/relationships I used to have as a teen, and in childhood almost everyday I'm ashamed to admit. For some reason, a part of me has found it very tricky to get to the realization that these people are gone. I don't get why I feel so attached. Is the Fe function at work here? Or could it be the dominant Ni function idealising everyone?

    It's like I was born without the common knowing that people come and go. I can't explain or understand why I thought I'd be friends with so and so and whoever else forever. I can't stand the term "BFF" because there's no such thing. It only exists in dreams.

    I'm not a stalker or anything like it. I'd never harass or contact anyone if I could etc. I'm just hardcore reminiscent. I guess the dream of these relationships is more entertaining than the reality.

    Perhaps there's someone out there that I used to know that feels this type of way about me.
     
  2. BritNi

    BritNi Perceptive Optimist

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    I have experienced this. I ended things with a best friend once. I think about it often and miss her frequently.

    I think that this might be a reason INFJs door slam. If you act like they never existed and really try to believe it, then there won't be any emotional burden.
    But I still think a lot of people who door slam think about that person from time to time. If there was any type of attachment or past with that person, something is bound to show up sometime in life that is sparks a memory.

    I often think of things like that too.
    I think that most people do, actually. I think it's human nature to wonder about the what-ifs.
    I feel that the biggest pain is never knowing...
    ...the never knowing of the way things would have been, the way things are for the other person right now, and the way they think about it all, and more.

    I try to let it go.
    When the memories come back, I try to acknowledge them. I feel the sadness for just a little while. I accept the reality of it. And I let it go, along with a little piece of my heart which carries that pain.
    Then I don't think about it anymore. I have to let it go. Life goes on, and we've gotta move on with it.
     
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  3. slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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  4. acht

    acht Newbie

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    That's exactly the conclusion I have come to recently. I think it's natural that we get excited about possibilities, about scenarios, and that part is kind of detached from perceiving reality. Wouldn't it be great if something that didn't work would actually work? What if I pushed harder for that relationship? How great the future could be if he/she were still here (and would be a totally different person btw)?

    Sadly, I don't know what's the remedy for that. Because it's all good if you are at peace with that. But what if you cling onto that thought so much that it hurts?
    I guess acceptance that those thoughts exist, trying to be at peace with them and slowly letting them go.
     
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  5. OP
    BcL

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    It was more of a we all stopped calling each other type of thing. It was a situation where I'd be chasing people around, begging for friendship.

    Judging by these responses, I can see that I enjoyed the experience of "me" more when certain people were around. I guess I don't love myself as much ad as I thought I did.

    Rationally, I know I don't need those relationships to thrive. I think I'm in a bargaining frame of mind like you suggested with what ifs and if onlys buzzing around my head.
     
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  6. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

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    Attachment can hurt, but training ourselves to detach in order to avoid this pain brings its own risks, namely: long-term chronic depression, numbness, anhedonia.

    The 'solution' is always just another kind of problem when we're talking about attempting to reengineer the human psyche in this way.
     
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  7. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    I think this is absolutely spot on.
     
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  8. wildflower9000

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    I had these 'cassette' in my head for a long time
    Memories are usually all the good stuff that happened between people, they distort reality
    We also tend to modify or reinterpret memories, it is like we live in the past, present, and future at once - we are changing so do the memories
    I can't help but door slamming but only once I went back for closure with a person and saw that nothing was like I imagined, I did way more for relationships
    I was running this in my head until I almost wrote Master Thesis on what went wrong in relationships, nothing triggers those memories now, it feels like blessing
     
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  9. OP
    BcL

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    Thanks, this helps me to flesh out my thoughts to come to some type of sound conclusion. Yes, that's what I get caught in - imaginging alternatives to compensate for the duration of that relationship or friendship. Like you say, maybe this type of daydreaming are natural, and even healthy.

    You can never know how anyone would like to be seen, if there's even such a thing as being able to do that.

    I'm guessing it's harder to let it be because this Ni function likes to indulge in possibilities that are personally specific to the individual Ni user.

    Also the Fe function loves bonding and connecting. It's near impossible for Fe to dismantle such a strong connection you had with someone you cared about. With both Ni and Fe married, it's challenging to let go of a deep relationship that's long gone.

    Acceptance that this is simply the way my mind works things out is necessary here. Also when someone dies, that person isn't obliterated from existence. It's probably natural to have lingering memories or elaborate scenarios with those people you cared for a lot.
     
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  10. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    Slow to develop deep bonds and slow to let go of deep bonds.
     
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