Common Unhealthy Beliefs - How Many Do You Hold?

[sassafras]

A belief system is a way of looking at the world and how we interpret events that occur in our life. The key to understanding our physical and emotional imbalances is through unhealthy belief systems. This makes sense. Our perceptions form our reality and our perceptions in turn are shaped by the rules, conscious and unconscious, that we hold about how things ‘should’ be. If we want to change the way we experience reality (i.e our lives) in any way, we must first examine the beliefs that distort and disrupt our worldview and unnecessarily challenge us.

Unhealthy beliefs are those that are contrary to logic, absolute, and that summon inappropriate, often extreme, emotional responses to events. Remember: events and experiences in themselves are value-neutral. Nothing has meaning until you give it meaning. Two people can look at the same happening and come up with two vastly different interpretations. However, the type of interpretation you hold counts. The difference between holding a unhealthy belief and a healthy belief is that a healthy belief help you see the situation with more clarity and will help you take more proactive action; unhealthy beliefs, on the other hand, typically close you off to possible solutions or even prevent you from taking action at all.

The following is a user-submitted list of the most common unhealthy beliefs from the anxietycenter.com. How many do you hold? Can you think of any healthy alternatives? Do you disagree with any of them? If you do, how has the belief served you personally in the past? Discuss.

· I’m not acceptable unless I perform well.
· I must be perfect.
· I’m not good enough.
· I have to do for others, to be loved.
· I have to do for others, in order for God to bless me.
· I’m a loser.
· I’m in adequate.
· I’m inferior, substandard.
· There’s something wrong with me.
· I’m not equal to others, nor will I ever be.
· I should never feel inadequate.
· It’s my fault that bad things happen to me.
· If I were a better person, bad things wouldn’t happen to me.
· No one loves me.
· I’m not worthy of love.
· No one will ever love me.
· I can’t be nervous.
· I can’t look nervous.
· Asking for help is a sign of weakness.
· I’m the only one I can count on.
· I have to be the strong one.
· When people tell me nice comments they are only saying it to make me feel good.
· Nice comments only mean someone wants something from me.
· Criticism just tells me that I’m no good.
· I always have to know what I’m doing or else I feel like a loser and maybe should quit.
· I have to be concerned about what others think of me.
· I’m such a loser for being afraid.
· I can’t be afraid.
· I hate problems.
· Having problems is a sign of weakness or incompetence.
· I can’t look weak.
· I must be the one everyone can depend on.
· I can’t make mistakes.
· Making mistakes is a sign of stupidity.
· Only fools make mistakes.
· I’m ugly, unattractive.
· I don’t like how I look.
· I’m fat, skinny, tall, short, too white, too dark, etc.
· I can't look nervous.
· I can’t settle for less than my expectations.
· I need to live up to my expectations in order for me to be happy.
· Having problems is a sign that I don’t have it together.
· I won't succeed so why bother trying.
· I’ll never amount to anything.
· I’ll never be made a fool of ever again.
· I’m never going to be able to succeed.
· I’m not worthy to be equal to others.
· If only I was a better person.
· It’s my fault that no one likes me.
· It’s my fault that my sister (brother, friend, etc.) died.
· My opinion isn’t worth anything.
· I’m not good enough to be happy.
· I don’t deserve to be happy.
· What others think or say is more important than what I might think, say or feel.
· I’m insecure and different.
· My thoughts and feelings don’t matter.
· I have to make my parents proud of me.
· Other kids our age didn’t need to deal with the same responsibilities, we are poor and undeserving.
· I come from a freaky family, we deserved to be shunned and ostracized.
· I’m not worthy of good things happening to me.
· Good things happen to everyone else, but not me.
· Expressing my emotions is a waste of time. Nobody cares.
· Expressing my emotions is wrong or means I’m a weakling or a sissy.
· I shouldn’t share my true emotions.
· My thoughts and feelings don’t matter.
· I can’t be myself.
· I will never express my emotions to anyone ever again.
· I won’t be a sissy.
· I’ll never be vulnerable again.
· I’m stupid for feeling this way.
· No one cares about me.
· I don’t want to express my emotions because I might slip into an emotional breakdown.
· It’s better not to think of the negative stuff and do my best to reject and ignore it.
· It’s wrong to feel sad/sorrow/upset.
· It’s better to harm myself physically than to feel the emotions I’ve bottled up.
· I must please people in order for them to like me.
· I have to do what other people want me to do so that I don’t disappoint them.
· Saying no is selfish.
· I have to do whatever my mom or dad wants.
· My opinion doesn’t matter.
· It is safer to say no than to face the consequences of saying yes.
· I have to do for others to be loved.
· I shouldn’t make anyone feel bad or hurt their feelings.
· I shouldn’t upset anyone.
· People shouldn’t argue because someone always gets hurt.
· Arguing is wrong.
· People should just get along nicely.
· It’s selfish to stand up for myself.
· I shouldn’t express my opinion.
· It’s wrong to express my opinion.
· If I constantly do things for people, they will like and respect me.
· A person shouldn’t make waves.
· Happiness is when everyone is getting along and there aren’t any problems.
· I shouldn’t bother anyone.
· I don't have to have my way.
· I have to have all of the answers.
· I am responsible for how others feel.
· Relaxation is a sign of laziness.
· Doing what I like is selfish.
· It is wrong to waste time.
· I have to do everything, or nothing gets done
· I need to handle all things
· I must be in control
· I have to look out for me because no one will take care of me. They will always look after themselves so I have to be in control.
· I should never be afraid
· Once I achieve my goals, I’ll be satisfied and content.
· Successful means being financially well-off.
· People who achieve great things are more important than I am.
· I better not be too happy because something bad will happen.
· I always have to be on the lookout for something bad.
· It’s wrong to do things I don’t know everything about.
· The world is a very unsafe place.
· I always have to be on alert for danger.
· Don’t feel too happy because something bad will most likely happen.
· I can’t do anything right and I can’t let anyone know or they won’t like me.
· I must avoid pain at all costs.
· I have to do as I am told.
· What if I am far away from my home, and something happens to me and I flip out or freak out – or out of control.
· I’ll feel complete and content when I marry/date/sleep with the right person.
· The reason I'm not married/in a relationship/etc is that I'm too fat/lazy/ugly/whatever.
· I must not be loveable, because I don't have anyone.
· I live in a world which is not real (Derealization).
· I'm losing my mind because the world looks unreal.
· I will never get better.
· Even is someone seems to like me, when they really get to know me, they won't like me anymore.
· Every time I let myself love someone they leave me.
· I am responsible for other people’s actions.
· I am responsible for other people’s enjoyment while in my company.
· Everyone else seems to find it really easy to make friends, but I don't, so there must be something wrong with me.
· If I don't do this right, my child will be miserable.
· Why should anyone like me, I don't like myself.
· I'm selfish, aggressive, and have no control over my reactions.

 

[barbad0s]

^ GPOY...

Here're some healthy alternatives I've come up with.

· I’m not acceptable unless I perform well. Healthy people don't think that way. Just calm down, do your best, and have fun.
· I must be perfect. Lol for what? Why? That's impossible to achieve and if you think of yourself as inherently broken then you'll be perpetually unhappy with yourself no matter what you "fix".
· I’m not good enough. It's okay to be where you're at now. You deserve to live happily. You don't need to earn that right.
· I have to do for others, to be loved. A lot of the time people love things simply because they exist. I mean you do have to reciprocate a bit in relationships but relationships where you have to constantly be giving to be loved probably aren't healthy. You have to do for you too. Otherwise no matter how much you do for people they probably won't respect you.
· I have to do for others, in order for God to bless me. It doesn't count as giving if you're doing it for God to bless you. Just chill.
· I’m a loser. Try to find the reason why you feel this way.
· I’m in adequate. You're probably a lot more adequate than you think, you just don't know it or you're at a place where you can't perceive that affirmation from others.
· I’m inferior, substandard. Lol okay all this comparing of yourself to others is totally not helpful.

Maybe I'll do more later.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

What's funny is that knowing TDHT, while skimming over her post without scrolling to see the full brunt of the list, and without reading any of them to judge, I knew this list was not her own.

 

[sassafras]

What's funny is that knowing TDHT, while skimming over her post without scrolling to see the full brunt of the list, and without reading any of them to judge, I knew this list was not her own.

I'm not sure what you mean. Why would it be my own? I mean, I share quite a few of those beliefs, but I don't think I'd be able to sit there and generate that long of a list by myself without missing some that may not be applicable to me, but applicable to others.

 

[acd]

In response to one of @niffer 's points:

Normal people do feel that they must perform well to be accepted. It is an unfortunely inherent universal belief that some question and are able to overcome, but most of us allow it to plague us in various ways our entire lives--and then inflict our expectations on others in our lives. Expectations that usually stem from our own insecurity which is the result of this pervasive believe that we must perform well to be accepted. And the cycle goes on and on. We don't usually just accept people unless they give us what we want.

It is ingrained in every facet of our lives--- right from birth--from infancy and early childhood milestones to school to relationships to maintaining and advancing in a career--it is directly linked to our survival and quality of life. The entire system is based on performing well according to whoever makes the rules.

I listened to a TED talk recently about some famous dancer. She did poorly in school and everyone thought she was stupid and hyperactive because she couldn't sit still in class. She constantly had to move. Her mother took her to a doctor who said, "She is a dancer, put her in a dance class." So mom did just that and it turned out that the girl was incredibly talented and she wound up dancing her way through Juliard and become rich and world famous. But see, what if she wasn't a super talented dancer, but just wanted to dance and move around instead of sitting captive in a class being talked at? Then we would just say she was stupid and hyperactive and drug her into oblivion until she eventually accepted her menial role in society.
That is a problem.

I take the moral of the story to be that we are a competitive culture that sizes everyone up and needs everyone to fit into a standard mold. Only those who perform exceptionally are free to break that mold and escape a life a drudgery.

Happy Friday.

 

[barbad0s]

In response to one of @niffer 's points:

Normal people do feel that they must perform well to be accepted. It is an unfortunely inherent universal belief that some question and are able to overcome, but most of us allow it to plague us in various ways our entire lives--and then inflict our expectations on others in our lives. Expectations that usually stem from our own insecurity which is the result of this pervasive believe that we must perform well to be accepted. And the cycle goes on and on. We don't usually just accept people unless they give us what we want.

It is ingrained in every facet of our lives--- right from birth--from infancy and early childhood milestones to school to relationships to maintaining and advancing in a career--it is directly linked to our survival and quality of life. The entire system is based on performing well according to whoever makes the rules.

I listened to a TED talk recently about some famous dancer. She did poorly in school and everyone thought she was stupid and hyperactive because she couldn't sit still in class. She constantly had to move. Her mother took her to a doctor who said, "She is a dancer, put her in a dance class." So mom did just that and it turned out that the girl was incredibly talented and she wound up dancing her way through Juliard and become rich and world famous. But see, what if she wasn't a super talented dancer, but just wanted to dance and move around instead of sitting captive in a class being talked at? Then we would just say she was stupid and hyperactive and drug her into oblivion until she eventually accepted her menial role in society.
That is a problem.

I take the moral of the story to be that we are a competitive culture that sizes everyone up and needs everyone to fit into a standard mold. Only those who perform exceptionally are free to break that mold and escape a life a drudgery.

Happy Friday.

...

Okay, but if we can't escape society and escape these problems, then we're going to need to find ways to cope emotionally, to try our best to love ourselves and enjoy life regardless. The moral of your post is that most people are fucked and can't do anything about it.

 

[sassafras]

I take the moral of the story to be that we are a competitive culture that sizes everyone up and needs everyone to fit into a standard mold. Only those who perform exceptionally are free to break that mold.

If you're constantly looking to satisfy the expectations of others, that in itself is an unhealthy belief because you will never be fulfilled if you don't truly believe in what you're doing. Getting a job, a car, and six figure salary doesn't guarantee you'll be happy... but some people passionately believe it will and them wanting badly enough to see that belief realized is what motivates them to excel. To them, they don't see it as 'this is what society expects of me but rather 'this is what I want for myself.' They connect with their goal on a personal, spiritual and emotional level. If you love what you're doing (or have compelling reasons for doing what you do), you are naturally driven and you perform exceptionally and it's in fact society that competes with you.

If it's just expectations you're trying to fulfill, however, you're always going to be grappling with cognitive dissonance that actually interrupts your chances to be anything more than average. If the girl didn't connect with dance, you're right, society would probably label her as stupid and would drug her to kingdom come... but then again, in order for that to work, she'd have to acquiesce to it. As a child, it wouldn't be her fault; she wouldn't know any better to challenge these expectations and all the negative labels and stereotypes would further shape her worldview. But it doesn't change that fact that, at the core, what's operating here is a limiting belief--- ' I must do what is expected even if I don't want it and if I don't, I fail at life'. If that were eradicated, she'd probably be able to find a way to rise above that label as well and find what she connected with later on in life.

Or maybe the reason she connected with dance wasn't a fluke. Maybe there was something about her belief system that enabled her to find the good in the opportunity that was presented to her.

I think the important thing to consider is that we're constantly faced with situations that thwart our best laid plans. The people that survive and thrive through these circumstances are those that can extract a meaning from the situation that they personally connect with and move past it by treating it as an opportunity for growth. Look at Nelson Mandela or Elie Wiesel or even Alice Hertz Somer. What helped them get through their ordeal was that they abandoned their expectations, from society and from themselves, and looked for what they could learn. I honestly don't believe that some people are so special that they are 'summoned' to a particular destiny; rather, I believe they simply find a way to make the most of the opportunities that are given them and they create their own passion.

Our culture doesn't teach us healthy psychological habits. It nurtures our insecurities and then preys on them. I think one of the ways to break free is to examine which of those imposed beliefs have us checkmated and take our mental health and our psyches back into our own hands.

 

[acd]

...

Okay, but if we can't escape society and escape these problems, then we're going to need to find ways to cope emotionally, to try our best to love ourselves and enjoy life regardless. The moral of your post is that most people are fucked and can't do anything about it.

The moral is that it's normal to feel undeserving if you don't perform well.
I'm not saying it is a healthy belief, just that it is pretty universal given cultural conditioning.

And most people are fucked up. I'd say almost everyone has their own set of demons to battle, yes. Doesn't mean life has to suck. Means you live and try to learn and overcome or cope. But it's certainly not the norm to just naturally be unaffected by your cultures damaging beliefs and practices. I don't think you were doing it intentionally, but by labeling it as "not normal" you were also perpetuating the belief that people have to perform or function according to a certain standard to be OK.

I'm just picking apart the negative labeling and then advice to have fun or basically accept yourself. It seems contradictory.

 

[barbad0s]

I don't think you were doing it intentionally, but by labeling it as "not normal" you were also perpetuating the belief that people have to perform or function according to a certain standard to be OK.

I'm just picking apart the negative labeling and then advice to have fun or basically accept yourself. It seems contradictory.

Considering the obviousness of my intentions in everything else I wrote in my post (and I doubt anyone would be reading that sentence out of context), including the context of this list of "thoughts" (and we are assuming that these are "unhealthy" thoughts to be replaced by "healthy" frames of thought), that should be the meaning it would LEAST likely be interpreted as.

However, I will go edit it so as to not subliminally tell people that they are abnormal for feeling that way.

 

[acd]

If you're constantly looking to satisfy the expectations of others, that in itself is an unhealthy belief because you will never be fulfilled if you don't truly believe in what you're doing. Getting a job, a car, and six figure salary doesn't guarantee you'll be happy... but some people passionately believe it will and them wanting badly enough to see that belief realized is what motivates them to excel. To them, they don't see it as 'this is what society expects of me but rather 'this is what I want for myself.' They connect with their goal on a personal, spiritual and emotional level. If you love what you're doing (or have compelling reasons for doing what you do), you are naturally driven and you perform exceptionally and it's in fact society that competes with you.

If it's just expectations you're trying to fulfill, however, you're always going to be grappling with cognitive dissonance that actually interrupts your chances to be anything more than average. If the girl didn't connect with dance, you're right, society would probably label her as stupid and would drug her to kingdom come... but then again, in order for that to work, she'd have to acquiesce to it. As a child, it wouldn't be her fault; she wouldn't know any better to challenge these expectations and all the negative labels and stereotypes would further shape her worldview. But it doesn't change that fact that, at the core, what's operating here is a limiting belief--- ' I must do what is expected even if I don't want it and if I don't, I fail at life'. If that were eradicated, she'd probably be able to find a way to rise above that label as well and find what she connected with later on in life.

Or maybe the reason she connected with dance wasn't a fluke. Maybe there was something about her belief system that enabled her to find the good in the opportunity that was presented to her.

I think the important thing to consider is that we're constantly faced with situations that thwart our best laid plans. The people that survive and thrive through these circumstances are those that can extract a meaning from the situation that they personally connect with and move past it by treating it as an opportunity for growth. Look at Nelson Mandela or Elie Wiesel or even Alice Hertz Somer. What helped them get through their ordeal was that they abandoned their expectations, from society and from themselves, and looked for what they could learn. I honestly don't believe that some people are so special that they are 'summoned' to a particular destiny; rather, I believe they simply find a way to make the most of the opportunities that are given them and they create their own passion.

Our culture doesn't teach us healthy psychological habits. It nurtures our insecurities and then preys on them. I think one of the ways to break free is to examine which of those imposed beliefs have us checkmated and take our mental health and our psyches back into our own hands.

I've considered that her connection with dance wasn't a fluke. In regards to the TED story:
But don't you think that making people conform to a set standard of achievement is damaging for some? Alot of people get lost in the system--internalize that failure and give up on discovering themselves.

For example, we know there are multiple intelligences and learning styles but students regardless are all treated the same, unless they are gifted. Not everyone can be gifted, and it still doesn't change the fact that people process and respond differently. I think of the children I know diagnosed ADD and medicated because they are different, because they arent performing--and these are intelligent kids. I'm sure some legitimately need treatment, but could it possibly be that the system isn't working so well? And making people failures or diagnosing defections is the institution's way of passing the buck onto the individual?

Everything around us plays on short comings. Capitalism wouldn't exist if marketers hadn't figured out that people will buy anything to fix themselves. I'm just musing and marveling at how true that belief on your list rings. And I don't disagree that it is up to the individual to overcome and create their own meaning and happiness--to accept themselves. It's just not as simple as "normal people don't think that way."

 

[acd]

Considering the obviousness of my intentions in everything else I wrote in my post (and I doubt anyone would be reading that sentence out of context), including the context of this list of "thoughts" (and we are assuming that these are "unhealthy" thoughts to be replaced by "healthy" frames of thought), that should be the meaning it would LEAST likely be interpreted as.

However, I will go edit it so as to not subliminally tell people that they are abnormal for feeling that way.

Don't edit it. It ruins the conversation. You have every right to post your opinion and so what if I disagree? I just think the distinction is important. Maybe I get very passionate about such topics due to the field I work in....

 

[barbad0s]

Don't edit it. It ruins the conversation. You have every right to post your opinion and so what if I disagree? I just think the distinction is important. Maybe I get very passionate about such topics due to the field I work in....

I somewhat meant what I said originally. I wrote my "alternatives" as if I was speaking in response to the person expressing those anxious thoughts. What I meant was something like "the normal everyday person isn't going to judge you using that method; it wouldn't normally cross their minds; therefore, don't worry about whether or not they'll accept you". I wasn't really thinking in terms of the system or society as a whole--in that case, the unhealthy thought there would be considered more valid/normal.

All that being said, I do agree that such ways of wording things in regular conversation do add up and unconsciously perpetuate hurtful attitudes even more.

 

[sassafras]

I've considered that her connection with dance wasn't a fluke. In regards to the TED story:
But don't you think that making people conform to a set standard of achievement is damaging for some? Alot of people get lost in the system--internalize that failure and give up on discovering themselves.

For example, we know there are multiple intelligences and learning styles but students regardless are all treated the same, unless they are gifted. Not everyone can be gifted, and it still doesn't change the fact that people process and respond differently. I think of the children I know diagnosed ADD and medicated because they are different, because they arent performing--and these are intelligent kids. I'm sure some legitimately need treatment, but could it possibly be that the system isn't working so well? And making people failures or diagnosing defections is the institution's way of passing the buck onto the individual?

Everything around us plays on short comings. Capitalism wouldn't exist if marketers hadn't figured out that people will buy anything to fix themselves. I'm just musing and marveling at how true that belief on your list rings. And I don't disagree that it is up to the individual to overcome and create their own meaning and happiness--to accept themselves. It's just not as simple as "normal people don't think that way."

Oh I definitely think that making people conform to a set standard of achievement is damaging to more than just some, however, I also understand that there are inherent practicalities in having some sort of standard in the first place and that you can't encourage self-esteem by giving everyone a consolation prize. There are always going to be outliers who, no matter what sort of support you give them, are not going step up and take their life into their own hands.

Still, I do think the system needs to be revolutionized and I think the philosophy behind multiple intelligence has immense merit. Personally, I'd like to see a learning system that incorporates a number of learning styles and I'd like to see an environment that doesn't invite so much dissonance and pressure at such a young age. I think the amount of options and information that people have is at the crux of the issue; multiple intelligences aside, if all your life you've been taught how to regurgitate facts and formulas instead of being taught how to use skills like critical thinking and analysis to interpret the information, how the fuck are you supposed to cope with this mass of information that is being hurled at you every day? It's overwhelming. Especially with the pace of our modern life. Of course we're going to look for some outside guidance if we can't make heads or tails of what it is that we truly want; we have so many options but haven't figured out how to intelligently choose (or feel confident enough in our ability to choose) and the result is a lot of unhappy people.

I think our culture has not yet learned how to arm itself against the flood of information and possibilities and issues that have come along with globalism and technology. Society is evolving past our ability to cope psychologically and we're becoming infantile and helpless to keep up with the current. The only people who will be able to weather this storm are those whose psyche allows them to be adaptable and resourceful rather than constrained by rules, society's or their own.

Of course, facilitating an environment that encourages those skills and teaches people to think for themselves might be inconvenient to some... particularly those that currently benefit from the system as it is now.

 

[Tin Man]

I’m such a loser for being afraid.
· I can’t be afraid.
· I hate problems.
· Having problems is a sign of weakness or incompetence.
· I can’t look weak.
· Expressing my emotions is wrong or means I’m a weakling or a sissy

I held this belief for quite some time and still do in some ways. It meant that I never relied on anyone else, I could have been dangling over a cliff and still wouldn't ask for help. I suppose in some ways it made me stronger but that strength was useless when I came across a problem that couldn't be overcome by sheer will.

The healthy alternative would be "Don't be a moron, just because you're afraid or have problems doesn't make you weak. There's nothing wrong with asking for help or expressing fear; it takes more courage to do that than pretending everything is ok."

 

[Kgal]

The masses are stupid.

The Boomer generation is now in their 50’s and 60’s….seeing end of life everywhere around them. Our parents - our aunts and uncles - our friends - our favorite pastimes - our culture - our institutions - our governments - our freedoms - are dying and fading away at an ever increasing pace. ….and I see their fear

We were the first generation to be placed in schools at a young age and enforced to endure this till we graduated at roughly age 18.

18 years of indoctrination into the system.

This was the years of the Cold War and the threat of Nuclear War from alleged communist countries. We saw first hand the effects of the nuclear bomb upon Japan by intensive media ads and systematically scared to death again and again as we practiced duck and cover drills in elementary schools.

Things haven’t changed have they? Our leaders have found other ways to keep us scared….as well as later generations all enduring the misery of 18 years of school indoctrination and drills for fear of being shot in school. In fact there are ever increasing traumatic events as blood runs through the school halls….

I cannot begin to imagine the long term effects on the minds of the young people these days in America.

I had one of those Ah Hah! moments the other day….and I wept with shame.

Out of one side of my mouth - for year upon countless years I have bemoaned and derided the masses of people - Boomers and all - who appear stupid in my eyes. From the other side of my mouth I constantly remind people of what I recently learned: that when a person is caught up in intense fear this diminishes access to their prefrontal cortex, critical reasoning, and logical thinking.

What an arrogant idiot I am….

Of course the masses appear to be stupid. They really aren’t…..they’re just really really afraid….and this keeps them trapped…stuck. Viewing the people this way also keeps me trapped and stuck in some kind of quicksand of thinking they will eventually learn….

Thing is….they already know the deep truths. It’s just held captive behind a wall built by Fear.