checking in with friends

Gaze

Gaze

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MBTI
INFPishy
How good are you at checking in with friends? Do you do it often? If you are not in touch, do you think it makes a difference when major life events happen? Or do you think no matter how apart or out of touch, you'll still be aware and available? Do you ever feel guilty about not checking in when something happens to a friend?
 
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pics said:
How good are you at checking in with friends? Do you do it often? If you are not in touch, do you think it makes a difference when major life events happen? Or do you think no matter how apart or out of touch, you'll still be aware and available? Do you ever feel guilty about not checking in when something happens to a friend?
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lol... Never. No guilt. No feelings about it. I very, very rarely reach out to anyone first. If they want to talk they come to me. I know that sounds arrogant but it's not arrogance. I just honestly do not ever think about it. It doesn't occur to me to check in with anyone or pick up the phone and call. I don't think my friends would consider me emotionally unavailable. They talk to me frequently and if the conversation is initiated I will participate fully. They know they can rely on me to be there.

I don't rely on my friendships to entertain me nor do I need to be in regular contact with them. I find that the further I get into adulthood the less I "need" them on a regular basis. I reserve that feeling for my romantic relationship/partnership.
 
pics said:
How good are you at checking in with friends? Do you do it often? If you are not in touch, do you think it makes a difference when major life events happen? Or do you think no matter how apart or out of touch, you'll still be aware and available? Do you ever feel guilty about not checking in when something happens to a friend?
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I think I used to be good with checking in on my friends.. But not so much anymore. I usually am the first to initiate contact so I recently I've decided to stop to see if any of them would contact me first for once. Still haven't heard from any of them. I don't hold it against them, though. If any of them were to contact me out of the blue (perhaps they are busy) then I'd be happy.

The last time I've heard from a specific group of "friends" was when they heard that I just received my licence. After driving them around to places that they needed to get to, haven't heard from them again.

I understand that people are under busy schedules with school and whatnot, but I do feel sort of like a black sheep in a majority of my friendships. I don't really have an intensely close friendship with anyone besides my boyfriend. (with the exception of my best friend from high school that I still talk to here and there).

This all could be just a part of growing up though, I guess.
 
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I dont check in with any friends except for one right now. If I check in with anyone besides that its my brother but even that has recently started to be less and less.
I dont know if thats good or bad. I do worry that one day ill look up and another 15 years will have gone by without my notice.
 
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes it's because a perceived (lack of) interest; other times it's just me feeling bad.

I dunno. To some extent that means a lack of need; but I feel bad for lacking that need to begin with.
 
All of my special people know that they are special to me whether I talk to them frequently or we haven't spoken in a year. I do not gravitate toward clinginess, so if our lives get busy and we don't contact each other for a while, we understand that the affection us still there and we pick up where we left off when we get time.
So, I don't always check in if I am occupied with other things. If the other person needs more than that, our relationship probably will not last.
 
My struggle recently. I tried to be a social engineer and manage my friends so our interaction would make me and them happy. My boyfriend tried to convince me to be more social. Since I am trying to understand myself better I listen to him less. I won´t ever by extroverted like him. In my opinion, it does not matter how often people contact each other. We live busy lives, I moved a lot and my friends are in various places. I am losing them, it is part of growing up. But when I feel that vibe of understanding and for me it does not disappear, I am satisfied. I have some very dear friends, similar souls and I need just one night at the time just talking and I am happy for a long time. My problem is that such interactions are very rare.
 
pics said:
How good are you at checking in with friends? Do you do it often? If you are not in touch, do you think it makes a difference when major life events happen? Or do you think no matter how apart or out of touch, you'll still be aware and available? Do you ever feel guilty about not checking in when something happens to a friend?
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This is a great question pics, something I have been reflecting on since returning back to the city. I have about a dozen people that I would refer to as my "besties" and I feel I do a decent job of connecting with these people. For many years I felt responsible to do so- and would do much more than my share to maintain connection. I think I really changed my perspective about a decade ago, now I find myself not trying so hard. Simply letting relationships unfold as the Universe sees fit. Some have changed- others are the same. At times I feel guilt... but more often not. Gratefully growing. :) I have witnessed this group of people literally carry me through the worst time of my life (when my brother died in 2004). They are there for me- for certain, and I am there for them.

Friendship comes easily to me and thus far I am blessed to have many besties from my childhood. One I have been close to for over 42 years!

I trust (now more than ever) that if someone is meant to be in my world they will be. The peacefulness and freedom that comes from this viewpoint is wonderful.
 
While in serious relationships I've been lazy about it. I would rely on my relationship for a lot of social fulfillment and I think I felt I didn't have the time or energy to get close to others. Being single I've been a lot more interested in catching up with friends, when I used to just sit and wait for them to contact me before. It feels good finding that I have so much love I can give back to them. But I think that my closest friends know I'll be available to talk to if they ever need me. If I don't reach out to them it's not somehow bad o.O
 
pics said:
How good are you at checking in with friends? Do you do it often? If you are not in touch, do you think it makes a difference when major life events happen? Or do you think no matter how apart or out of touch, you'll still be aware and available? Do you ever feel guilty about not checking in when something happens to a friend?
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I'm so-so with checking in with my friends; sometimes I'm good with it, sometimes I get distracted and caught up in my own business. I'll eventually hit a lull and think, hmmm, wonder what so-and-so is up to and then give them a call.

I do think its important to check in, though, especially in adulthood when it's easy to make yourself into an island. I think reaching out and making an effort to be part of someone's life is a two-way street. Not just for the sake of friendship, but also for the purposes of building a network. There's little you can do in life if you're not well-connected. Especially if you're an ambitious person. Checking in helps not only solidify friendship, but also inspires you and gets you growing as it widens your perspective.
 
I agree with some who have said that it's easy to grow apart. I've not been as serious about checking in unless I know there's something to check in about. I'd rather check in with someone I see and communicate with regularly. I also had the problem of being the one to call and check in while not being reciprocated as often. Not a fan of this. So, I've tried not to pressure myself to keep up with people if the favor is not going to be returned. I don't keep in touch with many people because sometimes people are too distance and impersonal. If I keep in touch with someone, it's likely a close friend who let's me in and tells me what's going on in their lives regularly.
 
pics said:
I agree with some who have said that it's easy to grow apart. I've not been as serious about checking in unless I know there's something to check in about. I'd rather check in with someone I see and communicate with regularly. I also had the problem of being the one to call and check in while not being reciprocated as often. Not a fan of this. So, I've tried not to pressure myself to keep up with people if the favor is not going to be returned. I don't keep in touch with many people because sometimes people are too distance and impersonal. If I keep in touch with someone, it's likely a close friend who let's me in and tells me what's going on in their lives regularly.
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The point you make about you being the one calling more and not having that returned. I know exactly what you mean. Ill stop as well and with a little time it will be "why havent you called" etc. Because I dont like feeling like Im imposing or that you are the one being kind to me by talking to me. I need you far far less than you need me. And if you dont need me, no problem.
 
I've been making more of an effort lately and I'm doing ok. I am not problem solving either! I still don't need lots of contact but it is going well. Quite proud of myself.
 
pics said:
I agree with some who have said that it's easy to grow apart. I've not been as serious about checking in unless I know there's something to check in about. I'd rather check in with someone I see and communicate with regularly. I also had the problem of being the one to call and check in while not being reciprocated as often. Not a fan of this. So, I've tried not to pressure myself to keep up with people if the favor is not going to be returned. I don't keep in touch with many people because sometimes people are too distance and impersonal. If I keep in touch with someone, it's likely a close friend who let's me in and tells me what's going on in their lives regularly.
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Is checking in a show of submission for you? Is the person who is checked in with, the peraon who holds the power in the friendship?
 
Eventhorizon said:
The point you make about you being the one calling more and not having that returned. I know exactly what you mean. Ill stop as well and with a little time it will be "why havent you called" etc. Because I dont like feeling like Im imposing or that you are the one being kind to me by talking to me. I need you far far less than you need me. And if you dont need me, no problem.
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Yeah, I hate it when I make an effort to check in and people don't call me back or ignore my attempts. Then I wonder, why am I trying? Only to have them conveniently call me when they need something. That probably gets on my nerves the most.
 
I usually check in with my local INTP friend, mostly because we've known one another since we were kids, and because we go to RPG and gaming nights together.

I will check in with people who let me in ... If they say they are going on vacation, I will ask them how it was when they get back. But people need to let me in if they want me to ask. If they don't let me in I don't bother. Mostly because how would I even know if I should check-in? They haven't given me any signal to what has been going on in their life.

If I am hurt or sick I will let people know. I have issues with panic attacks from time to time, so when I have one I will call my friend and ask if they will spend time with me until I feel better. If they can't leave home I will ask if they'll play a game with me online or something until I feel better.
 
the said:
Is checking in a show of submission for you? Is the person who is checked in with, the peraon who holds the power in the friendship?
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wow, never thought of it that way. On my end no, but on their end, I think yes.
 
I have friends who think that when I pick up when they are checking in, it's because they are taking time out of a busy schedule to acknowledge that other people not in their immediate lives exist, almost as if they're doing someone a huge favor by checking in. They rarely offer anything except superficial wishes, but are never truly there if you need them. I've been trying to cut them out of my life for this reason. Too often people think of checking in as something they do when they have time for someone, whereas I think of it as a mutual commitment, not something you do only when you have some free time in one's busy schedule or only when it's convenient for you. I have made time for others who never made time for me. I have been finally realizing that I was giving my time or attention to people who weren't worth it. I think there's a part of me that has a sense of obligation to check in to find out how close friends are doing, but they may not necessarily have this sense of obligation. To each their own.
 
Can we change the title of this thread to 'checking in with acquaintances'?
 
the said:
Can we change the title of this thread to 'checking in with acquaintances'?
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why does it matter? people have different feelings about who is a "friend" or "acquaintance". Whatever the experience, let people define the term "friend" for themselves. What's friend to one person is acquaintance to another, and vice versa.
 
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