Caring Too Much

[Flavus Aquila]

Sometimes, watching how feeling types go about things, I think it's possible for people to care too much about others.

* Selflessness to the point that everyone is made uneasy, like the dinner host who won't sit down and join the table, being too busy trying to make everyone happy by running to the kitchen for little personalised extras.

* Parents who want to respect their teenager's autonomy too much, and end up failing to instill useful traits... or parents who end up being overbearing because they care too much.

* Losing objectivity/impartiality and becoming irrational.

* Minority/oppressed advocates, who support people in their circumstances to the point that it becomes difficult for those people to change their lives. (Welfare dependence, formation of identity with oppressed subcultures which prevents reform of such cultures, programs which train people to be clients instead of agents of their progress, etc.).

* People who make themselves ill worrying about others.

* People who get frustrated because they can't speak up for fear of offending others.

Etc.


I think it's possible to be too indifferent (me), but it's also possible to become too personally invested in the good of others. Some types of uber-caring seem to work, but most don't. Thoughts?

 

[INFJ16]

You make some good points. My immediate thought is that the issue is not caring too much but expressing that caring in the wrong way. When you use the wording "too personally invested," I see that as something aside from "caring too much."

 

[Elis]

Thoughts?

Yeah I agree with you. Learn to take care of yourself before you take care of others. Sure there are lessons to be learned in helping others, but when you start neglecting your health you have a problem. Even if you want to help people you'll do a better job at it if you can find that balance.

@Flavus Aquila
You bring up a lot of points though that I feel could be their own respective threads. Is there any in particular that you're more concerned about?

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Thoughts?

Yeah I agree with you. Learn to take care of yourself before you take care of others. Sure there are lessons to be learned in helping others, but when you start neglecting your health you have a problem. Even if you want to help people you'll do a better job at it if you can find that balance.

@Flavus Aquila
You bring up a lot of points though that I feel could be their own respective threads. Is there any in particular that you're more concerned about?

All of those topics are of some interest because they can be contentious, where a good outcome (in my view) is often never realised because caring people focus on some feeling/compassion aspect and become aggressively counterproductive.

In my local newspaper there was an article about the swell in submissions to the human rights commission. One example was a complaint that a doctor (gp) had suggested to a homosexual patient, that he should moderate his lifestyle, after having contracted stds on several occasions. This advice was viewed with the greatest offense by the journalist. WTF.

The less personal, more general issues are more important to me they are.

I could make topical threads from these points, but most issues are too politicised to make for interesting discussion, without US politics taking over the topic.

 

[Bellosome]

ouch. i think you just described me.:confused1:

 

[Wyote]

It's not "too much" that is an issue exactly, but rather the methods and your own awareness of burnout. If you are experiencing burnout as a result of caring for others then you are not investing in yourself properly either. You can care an infinite amount but it's no good if you express it improperly or in a way that causes burnout.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

It's not "too much" that is an issue exactly, but rather the methods and your own awareness of burnout. If you are experiencing burnout as a result of caring for others then you are not investing in yourself properly either. You can care an infinite amount but it's no good if you express it improperly or in a way that causes burnout.

What about people who get burnt out because they can't administer what is colloquially called "tough love"/ unpleasant discipline, even though they know they need to?

(I used to have a neighbor who would stress about not disciplining her son because she felt sorry for him).

 

[Sandie33]

* Selflessness to the point that everyone is made uneasy

* Parents who want to respect their teenager's autonomy too much

* Losing objectivity/impartiality and becoming irrational.

* Minority/oppressed advocates, who support people in their circumstances to the point that it becomes difficult for those people to change their lives. (Welfare dependence, formation of identity with oppressed subcultures which prevents reform of such cultures, programs which train people to be clients instead of agents of their progress, etc.).

* People who make themselves ill worrying about others.

* People who get frustrated because they can't speak up for fear of offending others.

These are all valid examples when held to context.

To point out objectively however, each is based from an egoic stance. When looking at it from a place of selfless truth there is no payoff of notoriety when being helpful, caring and selfless...yet, often this is the why of folks failing to meet their own expectations, or trying too hard because it is the 'payoff' of doing it. Often they are looking for the end result to match their definition of successfully fixing the problem/other person. When it doesn't happen the way they want, then hurt feelings occur and they either internalize this or project it outward.

Some types of uber-caring seem to work, but most don't.

Thoughts on this are a lack of balance. The coined phrase, "Put on your own oxygen mask first.", this holds true. Far too many look for their sense of self in the amount of energy they use to 'help' others. If they are not grounded and have a healthy sense of self this can be detremental to both parties...

Often silent support is best, it can't be misquoted. Listening and allowing the other person to find the lesson in the experience is much more helpful than diving in to take over the situation can be much more caring.

 

[Eventhorizon]

I care too much about liberals. I should just step back and let them kill themselves without saying anything. You know like when they are playing with electricity I know will kill them? Give them a pat on the head and tell them how cute they are...then be in my way.

 

[Gaze]

I care too much about liberals. I should just step back and let them kill themselves without saying anything. You know like when they are playing with electricity I know will kill them? Give them a pat on the head and tell them how cute they are...then be in my way.

 

[Eventhorizon]

 

[j654dgj7]

I care too much about liberals. I should just step back and let them kill themselves without saying anything. You know like when they are playing with electricity I know will kill them? Give them a pat on the head and tell them how cute they are...then be in my way.

 

[CindyLou]

Yes, caring too much can turn into enabling, although I'm not sure that is caring too much. It's a more selfish slightly perverted kind of love.

That is why it's important children are raised by two people not just one to hopefully avoid these type of imbalances. You can't not discipline (lolol) a child because you feel sorry for them, but one parent might tend to have trouble disciplining because they feel sorry for them *raises hand*.

 

[acd]

I care too much about liberals. I should just step back and let them kill themselves without saying anything. You know like when they are playing with electricity I know will kill them? Give them a pat on the head and tell them how cute they are...then be in my way.

You are simply trollicious!

Yes, caring too much can turn into enabling, although I'm not sure that is caring too much. It's a more selfish slightly perverted kind of love.

That is why it's important children are raised by two people not just one to hopefully avoid these type of imbalances. You can't not discipline (lolol) a child because they feel sorry for them, but one parent might tend to have trouble disciplining because they feel sorry for them *raises hand*.

This is me, too.. My son actually listens to his dad. I need to be more firm. He just thinks I'm hilarious.

 

[Wyote]

even though they know they need to?

We are all at different places as far as our own abilities to care properly. Like anything, it is a lifelong learning process. When is tough love truly necessary? How is it administered in a way that is effective and not ultimately harmful? These are circumstantial things and new situations and new people always arise. It is not a cookie cutter sort of way of operating to try to care as much as possible in a healthy way. You might know you need to improve a job skill set, but knowing this doesn't automatically improve your ability. It takes time and concerted effort.

 

[MrSquared]

Isn't it interesting to people watch? To look at others and observe (most innocently) as they act based on their cognitives, subconscious motives, or even their own self-perception of themselves?

*shrugs honestly*

If caring too much is something that they feel like they they need to do... I'll simply remove myself from the situation (if it's bothering me) and let them continue being themselves. Reason being, I don't feel like it's my place to try and correct them based on my own understanding of what is a healthy level of concern for others. But I feel like there's a truth in your original question which I can agree with... In extreme cases, overly caring people can make you question and wonder if their true motive for even caring is a self-serving one.

Thank you for this.