Can trust really be earned FULLY back?

Bellosome

Bellosome

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so, since trusting is common denominator for us all, i was wondering if anyone has ever trusted someone back fully after it was broken? what made you trust them again? how long did it take? can you honestly say that you will never doubt them again? since you've given your trust back 100%.

because to me, im not really sure if i can. i have trust issues to begin with and for me to give it and then have it broken, i wont give it back anymore. i could forgive, sure, but i wont trust them anymore. or if ever i will, there'll always be a shadow of doubt.
 
I gave it back fully after I was caught out not giving the benefit of the doubt. I realised that was wrong when I was caught out making an assumption of dishonesty. Giving the trust back fully was a decision for me, I decided that I had been wrong to not trust. But when my trust was betrayed again it hurt far, far worse than before.

I don't think it's a very good thing to trust someone fully. It's too much pressure to put on someone. They're only human and they're bound to make mistakes. I don't think it is necessary to trust someone absolutely in order to trust them most of the time and for that to have meaning and value.

I don't think healthy partnerships are based on absolute trust. I think that abusive partners are more likely to demand that their partner trust them completely, and to get enraged when they don't get the trust that they believe they deserve.

Complete trust is kind of like how babies relate to their caregivers. They are forced to trust completely, because they are so completely dependent on their caregiver for safety and nurturing. I don't think that it is very adult and mature to trust in that kind of way.

If you have trust issues, then I think you will need to learn to accept and be comfortable with not trusting others. If that's the way things are for you, then maybe you can't really fix it.
 
invisible said:
I gave it back fully after I was caught out not giving the benefit of the doubt. I realised that was wrong when I was caught out making an assumption of dishonesty. Giving the trust back fully was a decision for me, I decided that I had been wrong to not trust. But when my trust was betrayed again it hurt far, far worse than before.

I don't think it's a very good thing to trust someone fully. It's too much pressure to put on someone. They're only human and they're bound to make mistakes. I don't think it is necessary to trust someone absolutely in order to trust them most of the time and for that to have meaning and value.

I don't think healthy partnerships are based on absolute trust. I think that abusive partners are more likely to demand that their partner trust them completely, and to get enraged when they don't get the trust that they believe they deserve.

Complete trust is kind of like how babies relate to their caregivers. They are forced to trust completely, because they are so completely dependent on their caregiver for safety and nurturing. I don't think that it is very adult and mature to trust in that kind of way.

If you have trust issues, then I think you will need to learn to accept and be comfortable with not trusting others. If that's the way things are for you, then maybe you can't really fix it.
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so when you trust your friend with something personal, and like, not talk about it to anyone and they did, you just forgive and forget? and trust them still? or like, you say, you trust your partner not to cheat, but he did, just forgive and trust that they wont do it again? those are just simple examples that could determine/test someone's trust.. i just dont think i could trust someone again if they did those to me.. or maybe i could, but i'd still doubt. i'm a very loyal person and yeah, maybe i do expect the same, which i know is wrong, but, everyone deserves a respect of some sort (i know i do) and given that they trusted you with something, makes the relationship special..

i dunno but to me, trust, when given, is like a special pact between people and kindof expected to be kept and taken care of.
 
I can and have rebuilt trust but it's a very slow process with me. If a friend shared personal information that I explicitly requested be kept secret, I won't make the same mistake twice but might still rely on that friend for other things, like a ride home or for a laugh when I go out.

As far as cheating goes, I would never do that to someone who had feelings for me, so it's difficult for me to understand why someone would do that to me. My reaction depends on the relationship. If we were married for years and had children, I would do everything I could to understand my part in that betrayal to see if I could stay. If it were a casual or just starting out relationship and we had agreed to be monogamous, I would drop him and not look back because he isn't that interested in me and didn't care to tell me he wanted to see other people and give me the opportunity to do the same. I might still be friends if I really liked him but he would never get in my pants again.

Life, in my opinion, is messy. The more you can figure out how to forgive, be flexible while staying true to who you are, and work with someone to stay connected, even if it's to a lesser degree than before, the more you will be happy with your relationships and possibly yourself. My take on this is:
Be strong in who you are but don't close the door unless it's so egregious that you have to in order to preserve your inner self.
 
bellisima said:
so when you trust your friend with something personal, and like, not talk about it to anyone and they did, you just forgive and forget? and trust them still? or like, you say, you trust your partner not to cheat, but he did, just forgive and trust that they wont do it again? those are just simple examples that could determine/test someone's trust.. i just dont think i could trust someone again if they did those to me.. or maybe i could, but i'd still doubt. i'm a very loyal person and yeah, maybe i do expect the same, which i know is wrong, but, everyone deserves a respect of some sort (i know i do) and given that they trusted you with something, makes the relationship special..

i dunno but to me, trust, when given, is like a special pact between people and kindof expected to be kept and taken care of.
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It wasn't cheating, it was something else, it was lying with the intention to control me. At that time, I made a decision to trust completely again. In retrospect, it wasn't the right decision. It was just the best decision I knew how to make at the time.

If someone cheated on me, I would dump them. I know that other people feel very differently about this, it's a personal thing. For me this is a very basic thing. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't control themselves enough to stop from cheating on me, because to me that means that they don't have the strength it takes to be committed to anything. That's just what it means to me.

There are a lot of things that make a relationship special. What makes a relationship special to me is my admiration of the person, and their admiration of me. That's what makes the connection unique. I can have trust with anyone, but the unique connection is what makes the relationship special to me.
 
ruji said:
Fortunately you don't need the trust to reform. Of course my post isn't helpful because that's after the tears have been shed over the death of the ideal that a something is precious.

#unhelpfulintp
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you crack me up and remind me of my bestfriend who is also an intp.
 
Scientia said:
Life, in my opinion, is messy. The more you can figure out how to forgive, be flexible while staying true to who you are, and work with someone to stay connected, even if it's to a lesser degree than before, the more you will be happy with your relationships and possibly yourself.
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invisible said:
It was just the best decision I knew how to make at the time.
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Well said. :)

Others tell me I am backward/wrong in my assessments of giving trust & respect, so I may not be able to help but rather give you a different perspective.
At first greeting, I offer trust & respect to the individual. I continue to validate them in this way until they give me pause not to...this is based on their actions. If they are blantently abusive they of course are dropped like a stone.
They are human after all. We all make decisions in the moment based on information we have at the time. Some times this works and sometimes not...forgiveness is key. Forgiving yourself as well as the offender.
Choice to rebuild trust & respect is individual. When I choose to forgive, It's for my own peace of mind...I do not forget. In the process of rekindling trust with another i remind myself of their previous behavior and the fact that people are creatures of habit...they are capable of repeat 'offenses'...if they haven't changed their habits than they never will. So, trust at your own discretion :)
 
Sandie33 said:
Well said. :)

Others tell me I am backward/wrong in my assessments of giving trust & respect, so I may not be able to help but rather give you a different perspective.
At first greeting, I offer trust & respect to the individual. I continue to validate them in this way until they give me pause not to...this is based on their actions. If they are blantently abusive they of course are dropped like a stone.
They are human after all. We all make decisions in the moment based on information we have at the time. Some times this works and sometimes not...forgiveness is key. Forgiving yourself as well as the offender.
Choice to rebuild trust & respect is individual. When I choose to forgive, It's for my own peace of mind...I do not forget. In the process of rekindling trust with another i remind myself of their previous behavior and the fact that people are creatures of habit...they are capable of repeat 'offenses'...if they haven't changed their habits than they never will. So, trust at your own discretion :)
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yes i totally agree on this. i forgive, but never forget. specially if i value that person so much.

thank you :)
 
Scientia said:
I can and have rebuilt trust but it's a very slow process with me. If a friend shared personal information that I explicitly requested be kept secret, I won't make the same mistake twice but might still rely on that friend for other things, like a ride home or for a laugh when I go out.

As far as cheating goes, I would never do that to someone who had feelings for me, so it's difficult for me to understand why someone would do that to me. My reaction depends on the relationship. If we were married for years and had children, I would do everything I could to understand my part in that betrayal to see if I could stay. If it were a casual or just starting out relationship and we had agreed to be monogamous, I would drop him and not look back because he isn't that interested in me and didn't care to tell me he wanted to see other people and give me the opportunity to do the same. I might still be friends if I really liked him but he would never get in my pants again.

Life, in my opinion, is messy. The more you can figure out how to forgive, be flexible while staying true to who you are, and work with someone to stay connected, even if it's to a lesser degree than before, the more you will be happy with your relationships and possibly yourself. My take on this is:
Be strong in who you are but don't close the door unless it's so egregious that you have to in order to preserve your inner self.
Click to expand...

thank you. life IS indeed messy. i'll keep in mind the closing of doors. :)
 
bellisima said:
so, since trusting is common denominator for us all, i was wondering if anyone has ever trusted someone back fully after it was broken? what made you trust them again? how long did it take? can you honestly say that you will never doubt them again? since you've given your trust back 100%.

because to me, im not really sure if i can. i have trust issues to begin with and for me to give it and then have it broken, i wont give it back anymore. i could forgive, sure, but i wont trust them anymore. or if ever i will, there'll always be a shadow of doubt.
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Cue X files music "Trust no one..."

Anytime you trust someone there is a risk they might let you down. I think if it was only one time, or there were mitigating circumstances you could probably still trust them.

If it was more than once, or something very important with seemingly no mitigation? Then I think it'd be very unwise to maintain trust in that person. You're likely to get let down again. Some people just can't be trusted, it's sad but there it is.
 
Just wanted to give you a heads up that I added "be" to the thread title and capitalized the first letter while I was at it, so it's now "Can trust really be earned FULLY back?" Normally I would've just left the capitalization thing, but I figured I'd do so since I was already adding that word in. :)

Let me know if that's a problem.
 
hush said:
Just wanted to give you a heads up that I added "be" to the thread title and capitalized the first letter while I was at it, so it's now "Can trust really be earned FULLY back?" Normally I would've just left the capitalization thing, but I figured I'd do so since I was already adding that word in. :)

Let me know if that's a problem.
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yay thank you! i was bothered with my typo too. lol. thank you!
 
hush said:
Just wanted to give you a heads up that I added "be" to the thread title and capitalized the first letter while I was at it, so it's now "Can trust really be earned FULLY back?" Normally I would've just left the capitalization thing, but I figured I'd do so since I was already adding that word in. :)

Let me know if that's a problem.
Click to expand...
You changed the title. Now I can never trust you.
 
ruji said:
You changed the title. Now I can never trust you.
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betrayaloftrust.jpg
 
Never! Not ever 100% I've never broken a trust & expect any of my friends to do the same. If a mistake was made better to owe up to it before it gets found out. At least then trust isn't broken and forgiveness can be next.
 
100% trust sounds like the wrong thing to give out in the first place.
 
the said:
100% trust sounds like the wrong thing to give out in the first place.
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Not at all. As long as you don't get crushed if they fail. Everyone gets 100% when I first meet them, it usually goes downhill from there but not always. Those are the times it counts.
 
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