Can heterosexual men and women just be friends?

Vict said:
You dudes frighten easily.

But perhaps that's the healthier state to be in. A tough way to live to my mind.
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I think they were playing the drama queen stereotype. Like you sometimes play the damaged person stereotype.
 
Vict said:
You dudes frighten easily.

But perhaps that's the healthier state to be in. A tough way to live to my mind.
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You don't scare me. You fascinate me/make me laugh. Honestly, are you aware that some of the things you write on the forum create connotations associated with sexual deviance? For example the last post you made that caused the reaction made me think you could be a sexual necromancer or a rapist. I don't recall you ever blatantly stating that you want to rape or harm someone but that is just the vibe you create because people always assume the worst when it comes to sexual deviance. Are you aware that you create that vibe and don't care or are you totally oblivious? Do you say those things to make people laugh? I'm confused. And amused. At the same time.

*Also I just want to say I love your user title. If anyone else had that user title it wouldn't be funny. But because it's you, it makes it funny. It's character humor.
 
bamf said:
It's made easier when both partners are close to this friend.
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I'd have to agree with this, but that can still sometimes cause issues. For instance, my husband works with a woman that he became very friendly with. He went out of his way to make sure that we became friends too so that there was no weirdness. I happen to love "Tina". And I trust her. At this point I think that her and I are better friends than her and my husband now :) I even invited her over for Thanksgiving dinner. I know she would do anything for me, my husband or my son and vice versa. It's a wonderful friendship. But it is definitely not the norm.

Now let me give you an example of how it can all go wrong. I have two co-workers that have become quite close over time. The woman is married and the man is engaged. They love their partners dearly (so they say). "Wes" even went out of his way to introduce his fiance to "Kara". "Jackie" (the fiance) adores Kara. Thinks she is wonderful. She calls Kara on the phone, sets up lunch dates with her, tells Kara to keep an eye on Wes to make sure he's not flirting with any of the ladies, of course in that giggly "I know he would never cheat on me but just in case" voice...Jackie thinks of Kara as a good, trusted friend.

Anyhow, Kara and Wes are having an affair. Big time. I know this because Wes confided in me. He feels terrible about it and doesn't know what to do. They started out as friends but after spending so much time together and getting along so great, they "caught feelings". Now they're doing it. Yup. And this example IS common.

That would never have happened if "Kara" was a "Karl". Am I right? :)

I know, I know. Every situation is different but the second one is definitely WAY more common whether people want to admit it or not.
 
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lisamarie said:
That would never have happened if "Kara" was a "Karl". Am I right? :)
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That's because Karl is Lenny's man!

simpsons-lenny-carl_480x360.jpg


Good points though! That's not good either. It's still the same situation too? How do you be in the middle of that? It would be hard for me.
 
Cornerstone said:
That's because Karl is Lenny's man!

simpsons-lenny-carl_480x360.jpg


Good points though! That's not good either. It's still the same situation too? How do you be in the middle of that? It would be hard for me.
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Haha! :)

Yes, it is still going on but I am working on a solution to the problem. I think that Wes confiding in me was a cry for help, lol. He knows I have a responsibility to inform my boss about it. I was thinking about suggesting that Wes be transferred to a different office but not sure if that would fix the situation since he told me that Kara has become obsessed with him, which is such a shitty situation since she is married with two little ones. It's messed up. I feel bad for them (her family). I don't know. Someone is going to have to go probably. That will be my bosses decision but I know he is going to ask me what I think. Maybe they should both go...
 
I've already stated my opinion on this, but I'll elaborate a bit. I have a couple very good/close male friends. They are not shallow relationships. We have meaningful talks often. When we actually lived by each other we hung out. As often or more often than some of my female friends. One in particular, I would say, was a very good friend to me indeed. He was the one person who really helped me out and even drove a bed out to me when I was a huge pregnant ass and didn't have anything to sleep on. He did it out of good will and because he enjoys our friendship, not because he was trying to get in my pants. I'm only sharing this to help illustrate the level of our friendship. I talked him out of suicide once as well.

I am married. My husband isn't jealous of him. He isn't jealous of my husband. There are no awkward secret hidden feelings.

I suppose I can agree with those saying that this sort of situation is an uncommon one. But to say that it is NEVER possible or that people who think it is are naive, is a flat out lie, because I've lived it personally. It is entirely possible. I had other male friends in the past and the situation was exactly the same. We could hang out alone in a room and play video games together even without there being any strange sexual tension from either end. We would hang out alone, or in a group. Just the same as any of my other friends. Someone before mentioned a more brotherly/sisterly sort of feel. It definitely sounds accurate to describe it that way to me, although I was raised an only child so I don't have a solid experiential basis for that myself.

In fact, as yet another example, one of my other male friends, was the ONLY one of my friends to actually show up for my court room "wedding". I invited 7 people. Everyone else had something else to do that was more important that day I guess. He and I have never had any weirdness either and I've known him since the 9th grade.

In my experience/observations, a persons "friends" are always going to be at a different connection level to their romantic partner. It's not even the same kettle of fish. You can have a deep connection with a friend and still have an even deeper connection with your lover.
 
Jill Hives said:
I've already stated my opinion on this, but I'll elaborate a bit. I have a couple very good/close male friends. They are not shallow relationships. We have meaningful talks often. When we actually lived by each other we hung out. As often or more often than some of my female friends. One in particular, I would say, was a very good friend to me indeed. He was the one person who really helped me out and even drove a bed out to me when I was a huge pregnant ass and didn't have anything to sleep on. He did it out of good will and because he enjoys our friendship, not because he was trying to get in my pants. I'm only sharing this to help illustrate the level of our friendship. I talked him out of suicide once as well.

I am married. My husband isn't jealous of him. He isn't jealous of my husband. There are no awkward secret hidden feelings.

I suppose I can agree with those saying that this sort of situation is an uncommon one. But to say that it is NEVER possible or that people who think it is are naive, is a flat out lie, because I've lived it personally. It is entirely possible. I had other male friends in the past and the situation was exactly the same. We could hang out alone in a room and play video games together even without there being any strange sexual tension from either end. We would hang out alone, or in a group. Just the same as any of my other friends. Someone before mentioned a more brotherly/sisterly sort of feel. It definitely sounds accurate to describe it that way to me, although I was raised an only child so I don't have a solid experiential basis for that myself.

In fact, as yet another example, one of my other male friends, was the ONLY one of my friends to actually show up for my court room "wedding". I invited 7 people. Everyone else had something else to do that was more important that day I guess. He and I have never had any weirdness either and I've known him since the 9th grade.

In my experience/observations, a persons "friends" are always going to be at a different connection level to their romantic partner. It's not even the same kettle of fish. You can have a deep connection with a friend and still have an even deeper connection with your lover.
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You're the exception that proves the rule.
 
Jill Hives said:
In my experience/observations, a persons "friends" are always going to be at a different connection level to their romantic partner. It's not even the same kettle of fish. You can have a deep connection with a friend and still have an even deeper connection with your lover.
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Thank you for that. For me, all relationships (friendship or romantic) deepen and become more intimate over time. Attraction and intimacy are only two parts of a marriage. In a marriage you make joint decisions about family, kids, careers, lifestyles, etc., etc., which don't happen in a friendship. I totally agree with you about friendships and romantic relationships deepening in different ways. Because someone is a close friend doesn't mean the friendship can handle all of the things that a marriage entails. Knowing and maintaining clear boundaries is really important. If everyone is clear about and respects what those boundaries are, and if/when an issue arises everyone is open and honest about how they feel, there really isn't a problem.

It might have a lot to do with the fact that I have five older brothers. After reading all of these posts I can see it all comes down to the individuals involved. I meet people all the time that believe men and women cannot be friends. After 35 years of platonic friendships with men, I just let them believe what they believe and continue enjoying my friendships. Yes, there are all kinds of things that can wrong, but all kinds of things can go wrong in same sex friendships too. Stuff happens, and hopefully we all just learn how to be a little better people from it all.
 
Vict said:
You dudes frighten easily.

But perhaps that's the healthier state to be in. A tough way to live to my mind.
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Yes probably. But good to know that you mostly regard women as fuck objects, you Stranger Danger you!
 
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Vict said:
You dudes frighten easily.

But perhaps that's the healthier state to be in. A tough way to live to my mind.
Click to expand...

I'd say any woman that wasn't repulsed by that has a tough life ahead of her.

Your post was a glimpse into the pathological. Women are divided up into saints or whores. The unfortunate woman that makes her way into the saint category won't be an object anymore but you won't be able to get it up for your saint because sex is reserved for whores.

Nice life.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
So my answer is that in the short term heterosexual men and women may simply remain friends. But over the long term questions of intimacy will probably definitely arise within the two parties.
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^^ I agree that this will most likely happen. I have long standing male friends and we have been friends for almost 12 years. That being said as we grew together in our relationship we did ask ourselves if we should try being together. But ultimately we had to decide why we were friends and what was most important to us.

As has already been said multiple times here maturity has a lot to do with the ability to maintain good healthy relationships, whether you are of the same, or opposite sex.

Can you remain platonic? I believe so yes. However, I also believe if you have any depth to your relationship at all you should not delude yourself in to believing that the idea, or desire, for more is never going to arise.
 
It is an interesting question, because the answer seems obvious. I'm also stumbling across the strange false dichotomy here that friends can't ever have sex. Maybe it is just a symptom of my background, but I have found that sex is pretty trivial and only effects your relationships with others to the extent you believe it does. People are different though so who knows?
 
Air said:
but I have found that sex is pretty trivial and only effects your relationships with others to the extent you believe it does.
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"Everybody knows that nobody really knows..." (Sings some John Legend)

ahem... Back to the thread...

I can agree that sex can be "trivial." I believe it also has many different uses, and even definitions. It wears different hats, so to speak. It's a tool, an expression, an act... etc. etc... And everyone views sex differently because as has been said and established, we are indeed all different. I think things should be approached from a personal standpoint first.

What does sex mean to me? What does sex with so and so mean? Etc. And then if you're in a relationship establish what both of your boundaries are, or aren't.... But this is all just evidence of the way I approach things...

*scurries off*
 
Just for the record, there are friendships between heterosexual men and gay women and/or heterosexual women and gay men. But the thread is about heterosexual men and women - oops.
 
I am bestfriends with my ex. He is the father of my child. We live together. He is in a committed relationship with a woman i adore and i support their relationship 100%. She spends most nights at our place. She too is now a good friend of mine and someone i love and respect. She is a great help with my daughter. I am excited for when they have kids too so i can dote on them and my daughter will have more brothers and sisters to play with.

Im also friends with my previous ex. That situation was harder because he had feelings for me still. And my boyfriend at the time did not feel comfortable about that. But i really loved him and cared about him for the person he was and the friendship meant a lot to us so we kept trying, despite the extreme discomfort and pain. Now i can say we are friends, no hard feelings (im pretty sure), and the struggle was worth it.

I have lots of male and female friends that i feel no romantic/sexual inclination. I say male and female because i find both sexes attractive. I like people for who they are. When i find good people i keep them.

It is incredibly rare for me to really like someone, value their friendship and feel sexually attracted to them as well. This hardly ever happens. Maybe im just really picky. Sometimes i wish it would happen more often.

Ive never felt 'jealousy' within a relationship. Ive felt annoyed and resentful about things, sure, but never jealous because i thought my partner may have been interested in someone else more than me. I assume that if someone has a relationship with me than they want to be with me. I enjoy that and make the most out of it. If they were to become interested in someone else or things start fizzling away, then i no longer want to be with them. There would be no hard feelings.

I dont think i could be with someone if they were not comfortable with me choosing my friendships. Trust, honesty and true committment is important to me. I love all people and i want to make as may connections as possible while im alive. I also want the same for my partner. A partner is someone i can connect, share and walk with. I dont own the person and they do not own me. If life happens to take us in different directions that so be it. I want them to fly and know that i support them. I want the people i love to follow their heart. And if that happens to take them away from me than thats that. That doesnt have to take anything away from me or destroy me, or destroy the beauty of what we had together. It just closes one door and opens another door somewhere else for more opportunities and possibilities
 
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