Being realistic..?

[Wyote]

I have two parents who have always been really into daydreaming, coming up with these grand ideas, and never following through. I know there's nothing wrong with dreaming but it begins to frustrate me when people have a real problem and their way of dealing with it is a fantasy plan.

Realistic playfulness is the only orientation of real sanity in life

 

[John K]

I think the most important thing, when it comes to expressing caution, is to ask yourself why you feel fear and to communicate that. There's so many problems in parent/child relationships, and relationships in general, that are the result of people closing off and not explaining themselves. You can be scared or worried about your child doing something and say so. You can say ''I'm really worried about whether that's a good option for you''. Even if you do mess up and treat them in a stern way, you can still say ''I didn't mean to be controlling, I was scared and feeling insecure, can you explain more about it?''. And it's important to do this at any age of the child's life, that's how you teach respect, honesty and trust to children, and how you establish all these in a romantic relationship as well.

I definitely agree - I think this is really important for any intervention, at whatever age. It's like that line between interference and indifference that I talked about in an earlier post because knowing that something is going to almost certainly end badly and doing nothing is as wrong in it's own way as inappropriate interference or force majore. Our motives and the way we try and approach it are very important, and need to fit the circumstances. Young people pick up not only a rational understanding of our concern that way, but learn how to behave when they are the ones in their turn who need to express concern in the same sort of way. We should treat older people with respect and leave the decisions in their hands, but give them a rational understanding of what we see could be a problem.

I think @slant and @Anomaly give good examples of the challenges we can face.

Ruby, not the same as with your folks, but I remember that when my father was in the early stages of dementia, in his early to mid 90s, dealing with him was a terrible tightrope between shutting down his freedom on the one hand, and on the other hand risking his safety and that of other people. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was stop him driving when he was 94 because I knew he was unable to live unaided after that. It was awful, and I possibly left it longer than I should. Several people said to me something along the lines of get real with him, but there's no obvious threshold with dementia, just a slow decline and it's easy to tell me that when they weren't the ones who would have to do the deed. I discussed it with him, but he was never going to stop voluntarily, so I had to do it in the end and it was quite tragic. We all had to get real at that point, because sooner or later he would have had an accident - I still feel it was the right thing, though, to keep his freedom of independence until the last reasonable minute. Not that I used the term with him of course - I wrote to the licensing authority and they ordered a medical examination which resulted in the withdrawal of his driving licence. It's a weird reversal when you have to act as a parent to one of your parents.

Lore, I thought that the way you handled your pupils ambitions and dreams was really very good. You won't just have helped them to see things in a brighter light and more realistically, but it sounds like they learned how to do the same as you with other people when it's them who have concerns.

 

[Impact Character]

We are touching the other side of "being realistic"/"getting real" when things aren't as bad as imagined/expected, and, I suppose, perhaps a difference between having a dream for avoiding reality and having a dream for gaining direction in life.

If motivation is torn or a dream is shut down in the beginning or before making actual experiences alongside that vision how can anyone find out what they like or what fits to them? How does anyone ever find a path less traveled?
It's definitely difficult to find the thin line between motivating/not demotivating others yet gain clear sight and understanding since people are in different stages of their development, plan and how they feel overall or in that instant.

I think having a culture where it is normal to discourse openly dreams, aspirations, expectation but also fears to gain a better understanding is very beneficial, no? At least I find it admiring if you shoot for it yourself or try to teach it to others.


(Also: "realistic playfulness" ! <3)

 

[Gu33]

I think another important point to touch on is that how you say something can decide whether someone feels discouraged and beat down or they feel like maybe they’ve avoided a potential mistake. I know an individual who is looking for an escape from normal society and coming up with alternative lifestyles. He wanted to buy a boat and use it as a business to help addicts detox and rehabilitate. Then went on to offer hallucinogenics and things of that nature. I’m sure many of you can see the potential dangers with doing this without training, on a boat away from emergency services, legal issues and various potential problems. I felt like it would be irresponsible to say “follow your dreams” on this one. So I told him that I appreciate and respect how he so deeply wants to help other people and that it’s commendable but to make sure he understands the potential risks and dangers. The odds are very high that someone could get hurt and/or he would end up in prison. Then we sort of brainstormed other ideas for ways he could still help people or fill that desire. All in all it could be more about helping people to focus their ideas into something that works and fulfills them instead of jumping to “be realistic”. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

 

[Wyote]

I felt like it would be irresponsible to say “follow your dreams” on this one.

This made me chuckle.

All in all it could be more about helping people to focus their ideas into something that works and fulfills them instead of jumping to “be realistic”.

Yes. What's generally important is to not kill people's enthusiasm. Tricky business it is.
But also fuck it, do mushrooms on a boat #yolo

 

[John K]

If motivation is torn or a dream is shut down in the beginning or before making actual experiences alongside that vision how can anyone find out what they like or what fits to them? How does anyone ever find a path less traveled?
It's definitely difficult to find the thin line between motivating/not demotivating others yet gain clear sight and understanding since people are in different stages of their development, plan and how they feel overall or in that instant.

The flip side is a great experience though. I used to love the times as a manager when someone with real potential was maybe shooting too low and I got them to reach for the sky. It’s great getting kids to dream about what they could be or do - beyond what they imagine for themselves. My mother was a good artist and encouraged us to make pictures. The professional artist who taught her treated every picture made for him as precious, even those of little children, and people who had little technical talent. He looked at what they were saying, what they meant, rather than how well they’d executed it.

 

[Impact Character]

The flip side is a great experience though. I used to love the times as a manager when someone with real potential was maybe shooting too low and I got them to reach for the sky. It’s great getting kids to dream about what they could be or do - beyond what they imagine for themselves. My mother was a good artist and encouraged us to make pictures. The professional artist who taught her treated every picture made for him as precious, even those of little children, and people who had little technical talent. He looked at what they were saying, what they meant, rather than how well they’d executed it.

Yes, totally! I share this experience of helping others stretch creative boundaries. It's witnessing dreams being born as well. It's amazing. <3 It's not only those with real potential, I feel that everyone has so much potential but it is usually their lack of self-love and/or very strong sense of self-defensive scepticism that blocks their own road. It takes time to work through that, but I've seen some of the greatest results that came out of this transformation.

But it also works this way that you try that for yourself.. I think it is the mix of shooting low as some sort of beginner's mind and yet have an atmosphere of being believed in. It helps create a more natural transition. Surprising yourself is then part of it which makes it extremely fun. It can also help to keep expectations low and reach the flow tunnel instead of tossing yourself into frustration or even stress (if you have tendencies towards expecting too much and perfectionism, that is).

 

[just me]

Saying this without using words is a far better way to help or teach someone...that needs it. Show someone a better way. Show them your actions and maybe they will compare. This can take years, but the value is well worth it.

Some folk may say, "get realistic", when they are not in the game and possibly out of bounds. They may feel there is a better way. Showing them a better way shows them what you are made of.

 

[Impact Character]

Saying this without using words is a far better way to help or teach someone...that needs it. Show someone a better way. Show them your actions and maybe they will compare. This can take years, but the value is well worth it.

Some folk may say, "get realistic", when they are not in the game and possibly out of bounds. They may feel there is a better way. Showing them a better way shows them what you are made of.

Show, don't tell! ^^

What you say is especially true when words and actions do live different lives. When you look at children it's how we learn from the beginning, too, no? Parents can say what they want, it's how they show up in their behavior and actions that has the strongest of impact.