Balance of power in relationships | INFJ Forum

Balance of power in relationships

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, May 27, 2010.

Share This Page

More threads by Gaze
  1. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,380
    Messages:
    28,271
    Featured Threads:
    93
    Likes Received:
    22,768
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    What if you were raised in a traditional home where the male was the dominant personality/breadwinner and the female gender roles were more submissive, subservient, or docile. Consider the scenario in which the father was strict, and responsible for the discipline and mother was the more lenient and typically more supportive and sensitive. Usually, in a situation like this, you learn to be dependent and submissive, and not think outside of what was directed or taught. And in some cases, you fail to develop a independent and confident sense of self.

    Of course, this unequal balance of power in relationships isn't healthy, and can be abusive or destructive depending on how far it's taken.

    So when you've been raised with this model of relationships, you sometimes develop a similar mindset, and (in many cases unconsciously) seek for partners who'd instinctively reflect those same understanding of gender roles you've come to adapt and accept based on your family model.

    Question, how do you break the cycle? How do you develop an approach and perspective on relationships which is healthy, balanced, and equal when the model you've observed most of your life, and in your experiences fits this dominant/submissive pattern?

    As someone socialized to think, act, or behave so that your personality is more emotionally and socially submissive, how do you break that pattern so that you don't attract the dominant/paternal father figure but instead develop a healthy balance of power in a relationship?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #1 Gaze, May 27, 2010
    Last edited: May 27, 2010
  2. TurtleTrooper

    TurtleTrooper Community Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2010
    Threads:
    9
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    26
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    weird.
    A lot of times we learn a style of attachment when we are just toddlers. this style of attachment tends to be similar in the people we have relationships with when we're older. I think that's a lot of what your talking about.

    just the awareness, the fact that your asking the question means a lot. In new relationships, just pay attention to that stuff. If you want to change aspects of it, just do it. easier said then done a lot of the time though.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  3. OP
    Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,380
    Messages:
    28,271
    Featured Threads:
    93
    Likes Received:
    22,768
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    This question is about the issue, how it develops in anyone who has experienced this kind of socialization, and how they've been affected and dealt with it.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #3 Gaze, May 27, 2010
    Last edited: May 27, 2010
    That Girl likes this.
  4. Skathac

    Skathac <font color=#27A601>Community Member</font>

    Joined:
    May 24, 2010
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    1,206
    Likes Received:
    215
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    In this situation you would have to somehow have the idea implanted in your mind that the situation is abnormal to want change. My father and mother came from such families, but then again they were graduating high school shortly after our cultural revolution in the 60's. They weren't hippies, just the age bracket that narrowly escaped the draft into vietnam and were exposed to the changes in perceptions around them at the time.

    In my fathers case, his father was a Senior Chief in the Navy and his authority was supreme in the patriarchal role. His mother had to assume both roles when father was out to sea, so in that sense she assumed the authoritative role of the family during this time. After his father was discharged he went to work at a normal 9 to 5 job and his mother continued to be a stay at home mom. I suspect that this dynamic while sharing similarities to the family you are describing is still different in that authority was still shared to an extent between the two parents and in the eyes of the children.

    My mother's parents would almost fit this mold better, but in this case both parents worked.

    I've talked to both my grandmothers about similar things to what you are asking. My mothers mother whom was the nurse felt obligated to fill the role of the housewife, going so far as to learn how to cook from my grandfather. She hadn't ever learned and on their honeymoon broke into tears because she couldn't even cook her husband breakfast. So strong were the perceptions of the intended role of the woman in those times. My grandfather cooked her breakfast and told her if she really wanted to learn he would gladly teach her, but it didn't matter to him either way. He loved her for who she was and just wanted to have a life together, social traditions be damned. She still had that driving urge to play the role of the house wife and balanced it with being a full time nurse for thirty years.

    My father's mother on the other hand seemed to easily fall into that role stating, well he was away at sea and I took care of the kids. When asked if she ever wanted to work she just cackled and said, honey I did work...raising those kids was a full time job!

    So both families have similar traditional roles, albeit still not exactly what you are talking about. My mother and father follow along similar lines, although if you ask either of them for a truthful answer they make decisions together. Dad jokingly tells her what to do now and again but always gets the reply of "And you can kiss my ass".

    So in this instance all I have to draw off of is the families I came from. My opinion on the matter is power has to be balanced since in all three families power was shared and decisions were made based on both parties being in agreement on a solution.

    For someone coming from a family like you describe, they would need to see happy examples of healthy relationships in all forms. I don't believe it is necessarily a bad thing to be submissive, but submission to the wrong person would be extremely detrimental. If you don't want an overly dominant man then you will need to learn how to read the ques that such a personality would give off. Then there are degrees in severity of a dominant personality, and I suspect in some cases could blur with the natural masculine nature of the male gender.

    Res you sure can lay down a doozie of a question.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze likes this.
  5. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
    Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Threads:
    323
    Messages:
    10,047
    Featured Threads:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5,610
    Trophy Points:
    1,102
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Australia
    MBTI:
    INTJ - A
    Enneagram:
    10000
    Historically, it usually takes a world war to break this kind of cycle in a significantly large proportion of the population. Fathers are either absent for years or MIA.

    I think the 'traditional' household is somewhat rare in Western culture now, especially in the middle-class of society.
     
  6. Roger

    Roger ...

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2009
    Threads:
    80
    Messages:
    2,203
    Likes Received:
    218
    Trophy Points:
    205
    MBTI:
    ENFP
    Enneagram:
    -
    I know this and can understand this. but can't say anything about it. Yes, i am against such culture. Seriously, this is what we are having in our indian villages. Women don't have given power, but they have. Men=Women should be in every society.

    I think, if we want to break this cycle, first we should try to share some basic and important knowledge who are in need. Give them full support and nurture them with love. So they don't feel insecure. then give them motivation when they are trying to do what they have learned. Give everyone equal freedom. this will lead them to establish trust for each other and they will build immense confidence within themselves. Fruits of this hard work... You can guess now... :smile:
     
    Gaze likes this.
  7. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2009
    Threads:
    52
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    3,950
    Trophy Points:
    323
    MBTI:
    ENFP
    Enneagram:
    9
    You live your life, make mistakes, learn from them, look within yourself, seek out others to hear their stories, you tell them yours, you listen to their feedback, you read a lot, you do some more introspection, you make some small changes and then you live more of your life and make a few more mistakes, and you do this over and over until you reach a point where you are able to meet your own needs in accordance with your own values when you are in a relationship.

    A life's work, I tell ya! :wink:

    Learn to truly love and respect yourself first. It makes the commitment to change and the work necessary so much easier and worthwhile.

    That said, you'll probably have to work on that alongside the rest of what I said above.

    At least that's been my experience with it all.


    cheers,
    Ian
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze likes this.
Loading...

Share This Page