Attraction but no compatibility? | INFJ Forum

Attraction but no compatibility?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by GreenTea, Jul 19, 2020.

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  1. GreenTea

    GreenTea Community Member

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    I've started dating a man who is an ENTX type. There's plenty of attraction between us but it feels like we are not very compatible. I've known him a few years but we only started dating a few weeks ago after someone close to him got diagnosed with cancer. He seemed vulnerable and more emotional than usual and I wanted to comfort him. But I still get the feeling we don't understand each other. It feels like we both try our best but it's not easy. I'm sure we have no intentions of hurting each other but I don't know if we could ever be happy together.
    Any thoughts appreciated?
     
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  2. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    Maybe you were drawn to him romantically in a time in his life where he was more vulnerable and open with his feelings. But that isn't typical for him.

    Maybe he was drawn to you that way because he was vulnerable and you comforted him.

    Personally I don't think a relationship is sustainable when I can't see a future and question compatibility.
    Especially early on.

    It seems like you guys bonded based on tragic events or a difficult time in his life. I don't know if that's enough to keep something going long term. My read would be it seems that certain roles have already been defined based on that dynamic but as time goes on you're feeling it's not meeting your needs.
     
    #2 acd, Jul 19, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2020
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  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius A R C

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    This is a shame, @GreenTea, but I think you know that this isn't going anywhere, and trying to force it is only going to make the both of you unhappy in the long term.

    My advice is to give it a little bit of a chance - get to know the dude if you don't already - and then tell him afterwards that you don't think you're compatible if nothing changes.
     
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  4. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    run, don't walk away from this. .it will eventually self- destruct. .and you seem to already know that. . .sorry to be a downer
     
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  5. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Oh boy. :laughing:
     
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  6. Ginny

    Ginny Kassandra's curse

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    I would get doubts too whether the relationship happened because of the diagnosis or if it really is a deeper connection.

    When you can't help but be together outside that context, that's when the relationship can be more.
     
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  7. OP
    GreenTea

    GreenTea Community Member

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    Thanks for the comments. I don't know. When we first met he was a bit of a player and had women chasing after him. But he's calmer now and is determined to have a serious relationship. He thinks we are very compatible lol.
     
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  8. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Trauma bonding is a very real thing.
    Listen to your intuition. You can very easily start to self-justify your way into a situation/relationship that is not truly in line with your own desires.
    So, just be extra aware of all that. But I wouldn't close him off entirely, there's always the chance you are misinterpreting those feelings of hesitation.
     
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  9. OP
    GreenTea

    GreenTea Community Member

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    Yes, I think I'm just very doubtful and hesitant about relationships in general.
    We met because of his friend's diagnosis, though his friend is very likely to recover. But we started to get to know each a little better. I guess I will meet him a few more times and see what happens. I like spending time with him. He's a very cheerful person and I feel happier with him than I do on my own.
     
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  10. OP
    GreenTea

    GreenTea Community Member

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    Lol. Why?
     
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  11. slant

    slant Ruby Adoraboobie

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    careful. This is not a good sign
     
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  12. OP
    GreenTea

    GreenTea Community Member

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    I'm sorry I posted this thread at all now.
     
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  13. slant

    slant Ruby Adoraboobie

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    Sounds rough
     
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  14. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    How can you feel happier with him than on your own if you don't know if you could ever be happy together?
     
  15. Korg

    Korg ▄ ▄

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    Be strategic about it and see where it goes. There's a few advantages I see:

    For one, if he's an ENTJ he'll appreciate that approach and will feel like you are meeting him head on to some degree. By strategic, I mean go slow, analyze your interactions and reactions dispassionately, communicate your thoughts and be real about everything. There's no rule that says you have to go all-in from the start or that the only person you can be with is someone you understand. It's entirely possible to have relatively short term, intimate relationships where you explore yourself through the relationship, seeing where it goes. If it doesn't work, it's fine -- you come to love that person in their own way and you both leave better than when you started. They become the good ex's. : )


    Second, it's cautious which will keep you safe. You're less likely to fall into traps that other people have already mentioned, like self justifying a bad situation. If things get dicey or red flags start shooting off, you can simply disengage and amputate them out of your life.


    That said, for the long term thing to work, understanding each other is vital. If you don't, you're fucked so if you think it's irreconcilable then I agree with others here: move on.
     
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    #15 Korg, Jul 19, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2020
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  16. Dopamine

    Dopamine Community Member

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    I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. Forgiveness might me required later. Two cents.

    I have spent a LONG time trying to find someone who “gets me” completely. Or at least a good understanding. Thing is though, when I find someone who seems to, it ends badly. Too intense, too much weight. It’s like black holes colliding. It ALWAYS goes poorly.

    Recently, I got a taste of this again and remembered something important in it. I am happier and more settled when someone is very different from me. It is true that it doesn’t feel as heady or intense, but it’s lighter, more fun, and doesn’t send me into some Fe death spiral. It frankly remains healthier in the long run.

    I kinda think I understand the kinda guy you are talking about. I have one in my life. I never take him seriously because I figured out he was a player type early on (ESTP) But oh my god, the chemistry between us burns like the sun, and he’s just FUN to be around....and so smolderingly hot it is hard to look at him. I always just accepted he was who he was so there was nothing but acceptance between us in who and what we were.

    I recently had a run in with a different guy (INFJ) for awhile where I thought I was falling really hard, felt understood, felt safe, felt like it was going to be that elusive unicorn relationship we all day dream about.... And that guy turned out to be the player leading me on.

    A week ago ESTP called after not really talking for awhile and asked me if I could see him. I said it wasn’t a good idea because I was caught up in something else and was looking for something real. (Of course that fell apart the next day- haha....).

    When I talked to ESTP, when I *thought* there was this other thing-he asked me a kinda vulnerable question. He said “ I’m happy for you, really- you really do deserve to feel that way, but can I ask you why you never believed you could have something real with me?” It really surprised me. I was honest and told him it was because I never considered he could feel that way about me. I assumed..... He told me I was wrong. He said “I don’t understand half of what you are saying most of the time, but I like hearing you just working things out, it’s interesting. But all I know is that I love being around you, so keep me posted because I don’t know if you’re right about this “real-ness” and I want to see you again and stay in your life.”

    So, I have a birthday coming up, and I texted and said- “you were right, I kinda got stomped on and my feelings are hurt and ego bruised. I know it’s pretty tacky to run back to you a week later and ask for attention to feel better. But would you consider spending birthday with me? I don’t want to jump to any more conclusions or make you feel used..”..I kept talking- explaining self...he just laughed (he is VERY self confident) And all he said to all of my ramblings was, “I’d love to make you feel special on your birthday and spend time with you. I don’t need you to explain yourself.”

    One man swam carelessly around in my heart and messed me up. The other, who I discounted, has actually been the one who has showed me care and respect. Unfailingly.

    I’m not sure what my point is exactly, except this experience gives me pause to think about the folly of hanging all of my hopes on some idealized situation that always ends up hurting me. All I know for sure is that I have hot and fun date for my birthday instead of feeling lonely and miserable.

    Just another perspective to consider.
     
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  17. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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  18. Korg

    Korg ▄ ▄

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    This is exactly it. Well said.
     
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  19. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Typical
     
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  20. Dopamine

    Dopamine Community Member

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    Yup. Not proud.

    to be fair though- the two guys we (Myself and OP) are talking about are known former players. It’s not fair to judge but it is fair to be really skeptical. It’s a balance. And it’s not like ESTP was at my house with flowers and dinner every fifth night while I made him paint my toenails and talked about my date disasters. My boy was out there having a good time. He just didn’t stop thinking about me. And wants to see what would happen.
     
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    #20 Dopamine, Jul 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2020
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