Hi fellow sensitive people!
I greatly admire INFJ's social abilities, particularly your poker face/political skills during low-grade tension. Obviously this also has to do with maturity, but I've watched a few of you maneuver (not maliciously) when I could see you didn't like someone (again, low-grade distaste), and I think this is a strength that comes more naturally to you than most.
I would like some advice. I think I kind of know the answer, but you guys are excellent re-framers, maybe I'm missing something
. Forgive the long post.
I moved into a new place I found on craigslist in November. I now realize that I don't like one of my roommates (Sam). I can see that his harshness comes from a lot of unhealed trauma, and none of it has ever been directed at me personally, AND I feel guilty for being repulsed by someone else's wounds, but things he's said offhandedly in conversation trigger the fuck out of me. He flat-out called his mother a slut when he was telling me about his childhood (he was tipsy at the time and walked it back immediately, but you can't really un-say that)--this was the worst he's said so far, the other things have been smaller (eg pointing out an older female RE agent's "gross neck" on one of her RE mailers--and this is a family friend of his that was helping him search for a house!). I know, I KNOW that anything he says/thinks about others is 100x gentler than he must be on himself, but it's hard to be around.
As to the other roomie, I like her, but the two of them have lived together for a long time/are very close (she's gay so it's not a weird dynamic). I can tell she is way more politically aligned with me, though we obviously do not talk about politics in the house, just offhanded comments that indicate her worldview--but she is not bothered by his low-key misogyny/I'm not even sure she sees it? Either way, I wouldn't really care, but here's where the rubber meets the road:
Hers is the only razor that's in the shower. Someone used it last week and left a bunch of pubes in it. I haven't shaved in months (cold winters in Seattle/not dating anyone rn), but did during the summer (meaning she's seen me as a shaver). She sent a group text that her razors and shower soap bars are "not for pubic--I mean public use", hardy har. Sam immediately responded that he was looking at it, it's a cool razor, but he didn't use it. I DEFINITELY did not use it (so much ewww, plus blood-borne pathogens, no thanks) and said I haven't shaved in months, it wasn't me, but I'm now so uncomfortable in the house as the "new" person that this kind of thing gets pinned on. There is also a high possibility that it could be Sam's new girlfriend, who definitely showered there the night in question, but she's a nurse anesthetist so I assumed she'd be equally conscious of germs/would never do that. HOWEVER, I heard them getting into the shower the other night (I share a wall w the one bathroom in the house, walls very thin) and she immediately goes "this is such a cool razor, I was looking at this--is it yours?", and Sam says no, proceeds to tell the awkward story (though notably does not blame me/express suspicion), and they laugh about it. She is super codependent with him/has bad boundaries, and after hearing her both express interest in the razor (even said she had been wanting to try this one out as it's a fancy mail-order subscription kind), AND hearing her assume that it was his, I'm kinda thinking she could have been the culprit.
I now just feel so uncomfortable because if Sam's gf used it (which she denied to Sam when he was telling the story), both Sam and other roomie think I'm a weirdo liar person. If Sam was the one who used it, I'm living with a weirdo liar, and other roomie still thinks I'm the weirdo liar. Both of these options make my home such an uncomfortable place to be. I console myself by telling myself I was never going to actually be friends with these people (weird/boundary-less interpersonal dynamics I won't go into here), I just need to keep my head down and keep saving for my business plan, then I can move out in a year. I'm rarely home anyway, as I work ft and attend school ft, AND try to keep up a social life on weekends.
If you're still here, thank you for reading. I welcome ANY input/feedback people feel like sharing!!
I greatly admire INFJ's social abilities, particularly your poker face/political skills during low-grade tension. Obviously this also has to do with maturity, but I've watched a few of you maneuver (not maliciously) when I could see you didn't like someone (again, low-grade distaste), and I think this is a strength that comes more naturally to you than most.
I would like some advice. I think I kind of know the answer, but you guys are excellent re-framers, maybe I'm missing something
. Forgive the long post.I moved into a new place I found on craigslist in November. I now realize that I don't like one of my roommates (Sam). I can see that his harshness comes from a lot of unhealed trauma, and none of it has ever been directed at me personally, AND I feel guilty for being repulsed by someone else's wounds, but things he's said offhandedly in conversation trigger the fuck out of me. He flat-out called his mother a slut when he was telling me about his childhood (he was tipsy at the time and walked it back immediately, but you can't really un-say that)--this was the worst he's said so far, the other things have been smaller (eg pointing out an older female RE agent's "gross neck" on one of her RE mailers--and this is a family friend of his that was helping him search for a house!). I know, I KNOW that anything he says/thinks about others is 100x gentler than he must be on himself, but it's hard to be around.
As to the other roomie, I like her, but the two of them have lived together for a long time/are very close (she's gay so it's not a weird dynamic). I can tell she is way more politically aligned with me, though we obviously do not talk about politics in the house, just offhanded comments that indicate her worldview--but she is not bothered by his low-key misogyny/I'm not even sure she sees it? Either way, I wouldn't really care, but here's where the rubber meets the road:
Hers is the only razor that's in the shower. Someone used it last week and left a bunch of pubes in it. I haven't shaved in months (cold winters in Seattle/not dating anyone rn), but did during the summer (meaning she's seen me as a shaver). She sent a group text that her razors and shower soap bars are "not for pubic--I mean public use", hardy har. Sam immediately responded that he was looking at it, it's a cool razor, but he didn't use it. I DEFINITELY did not use it (so much ewww, plus blood-borne pathogens, no thanks) and said I haven't shaved in months, it wasn't me, but I'm now so uncomfortable in the house as the "new" person that this kind of thing gets pinned on. There is also a high possibility that it could be Sam's new girlfriend, who definitely showered there the night in question, but she's a nurse anesthetist so I assumed she'd be equally conscious of germs/would never do that. HOWEVER, I heard them getting into the shower the other night (I share a wall w the one bathroom in the house, walls very thin) and she immediately goes "this is such a cool razor, I was looking at this--is it yours?", and Sam says no, proceeds to tell the awkward story (though notably does not blame me/express suspicion), and they laugh about it. She is super codependent with him/has bad boundaries, and after hearing her both express interest in the razor (even said she had been wanting to try this one out as it's a fancy mail-order subscription kind), AND hearing her assume that it was his, I'm kinda thinking she could have been the culprit.
I now just feel so uncomfortable because if Sam's gf used it (which she denied to Sam when he was telling the story), both Sam and other roomie think I'm a weirdo liar person. If Sam was the one who used it, I'm living with a weirdo liar, and other roomie still thinks I'm the weirdo liar. Both of these options make my home such an uncomfortable place to be. I console myself by telling myself I was never going to actually be friends with these people (weird/boundary-less interpersonal dynamics I won't go into here), I just need to keep my head down and keep saving for my business plan, then I can move out in a year. I'm rarely home anyway, as I work ft and attend school ft, AND try to keep up a social life on weekends.
If you're still here, thank you for reading. I welcome ANY input/feedback people feel like sharing!!
