[INFP] Asking the social diplomacy masters (roomie issues)

Talk to him less, when nothing is said nothing is left unsaid.

 

This is one of many things about the "own nothing and be happy" dystopia that just cringes if not enrages me at times as privacy well the lack of it in group homes is a real issue as seen here. As for Sam there isn't a whole lot one can do beyond just putting up until a better living situation comes along as keeping the peace would be a wise choice than confronting only to cause some real drama.

 

Yeah, I understand not wanting them to think you're a liar, but remember that they probably aren't thinking of it as much as you are. If it would make you feel better then I might mention the conversation you heard - meaning you don't think it was Sam and you know it wasn't yourself- and suggest that she keep it up when guests are over at the very least. If she asks why you're yelling her, mention that it made you uncomfortable because you're the newbie and likely to be blamed, tell people how you feel. That's just me. I understand wanting to avoid it, but I wouldn't be able to hold stuff like that in if it was bothering me that bad.

I hate walking on eggshells.

Good luck.

 

You were honest. You didn't use it and you said you didn't. That's the extent that it stops being your problem. You can't control these other people's behavior, if they do or don't believe you. Also- you are getting triggered by this other guys behavior and it's good that you can recognize that. You can set boundaries with him or talk to him about it, but too ultimately you are only in control of your own actions so you are going to have to think up what to do when you realize you're getting triggered- change the topic, say something, leave the room, journal about it, etc these are just ideas you will need to figure out what works for you. And also you have to determine if these are situations you can work though and learn to handle, or if the environment you are living in isn't going to be good for you and therefore you need to live somewhere else. If that's not an option then you have to figure out how to deal with it while making a plan to get out. You have to put yourself first and make sure you live somewhere where you feel comfortable, but, understanding no living situation is going to be perfect and we have to learn how to accept other people's flaws and set boundaries.

 

He asked for advice not profound words of enlightenment. Your like that guy at the bar that tips with rolls of cash but instead of cash it's wisdom.

Great advice though.

 

I think they are a lucky bunch to have a new roomie who is this honest as you are. I agree that you just keep reminding yourself that you've your values and you are honoring them, especially being honest.
It's okay that you are the new one and that the others need time to get to know you, just don't anything get into your head. No matter what they think, it doesn't change who you are. Being honest was your responsibility and you were.

I mean.. the whole initial story of the others (not you) is simply about the lack and need of boundaries. It's not about wether or not you (and others) are trustworthy. (This just got dumped on top of it.) You had a closer look into the general roomie situation and their problems, which were probably already there before you. If that wasn't the case then the girl might not have blown this up this much. (You just share the general topic of boundaries. Because.. hell don't we all to some extent.)

These kind of living arrangements come with some drama, that is basically normal in roomie situations (differences, dislikes etc). It's a compressed training field for social interaction of all kind, and they tend to change frequently. ^^" But that isn't an excuse for unhealthy amounts. - From everything you learned about others and yourself, I'm sure next place you will pick more wisely and you will be more content.

 

This.
---

@penelopesf77

Also, people who get caught in lies, tend to lash out defensively or become embarrassed and deny, so it's best to just let it go.

I agree with what @Asa said about bringing in your own shower caddy. It also ensures whomever is crossing boundaries using other people's things, isn't using yours.

As for toxic roommates, I've been there. One had sex in my bed when I was gone on vacation, but denied it to my face despite me finding all evidence between the sheets, including her dirty underwear. You will never be able to avoid difficult people, but you can clearly state boundaries, being forthright, or decide it isn't what you signed up for in the end. You don't have to be Sam's sounding board for his issues, so if he's crossing territory there, then you have every right to remove yourself or tell him that he is making you uncomfortable.

Living with strangers is difficult no matter who they are, and you will inevitably face conflicts. Continue being true to yourself, and what you are willing to handle. You could suggest a meeting where expectations or 'house guidelines' are discussed, and everyone could state their boundaries. I find when this is talked about openly, there is trust built, and less room for potential conflicts or passive aggression down the road. Then, when a visitor comes, instead of an error being pinned on others in the house, it falls to the visitor who doesn't know about the established boundaries (which should absolutely be the responsibility of whomever's guest it is to tell them).

Best of luck to you.