Argument and broke Up with my INFJ (INTP)

[KevCang]

(Sorry for my english)

Hello! I am an INTP that has been dating an INFJ for 2 years.

We had a very tough fight because I didn't want to join a Facebook group of toy collectors, That happened at the end of october. He told me just in the fight that he wanted me to have entered the group so that together we could go to an event organized by the group. I told him that I did not want to join the group because I am not interested, but I would have accompanied him to the event. But he told me that I was a hysterical and that I ignored him.

I tried to propose that we talk, but he refused and said "you will have to wait for me". He didn't talk to me for 1 month and ignored me on social media. I tried to give him his space.

But a few days ago I talked to him again and he replied dryly, telling me he was sick with vomiting, fever and facial paralysis. I told him that I was very sad for what was happening to him and I wrote that I wanted to see him, that we forgot our discussion, our differences.


But he didn't answer me for three days. Something he never did to me or I had never done to him. After that time (which added to his previous silence and that he never wanted to talk to me) I sent him farewell messages, in which I told him that he hated what he was doing, he hated his silence and that he had long since transformed as in "another person". I finally told him that we were ending the relationship and I blocked it.

After 24 hours I unlocked it, because I was looking for an answer from him. And I only found that, regardless of the fact that he tells me that he is in poor health (he has to recover from facial paralysis) I could never see him, I could never be with him, I never gave myself an alternative to solve what was happening. He just did not talk to me and distanced himself from me, to the point that he told me that he had not spoken to me the previous three days because "I am not attending to my social networks." As I am something else for him, not someone who is special or at least should know what happens to him and at least try to contain me if he sees me like that.

I want to believe that I was wrong, that I was selfish, that he had not moved away from me. I left it unlocked. All that crap I told you happened by Messenger. We could never talk about our problems, nor rebuild the relationship, nothing. It was a lifeless relationship, in which he always shunned the conflict. I want to know if here some INFJ can provide another perspective, or other mbti. I feel very baffled and I hardly believe I understand how everything collapsed.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Bird]

Please don't apologize for your English! It's awesome you know more than one language!

I do not think this situation has to do with personality type.
I think this has to do with general care toward the relationship.
It sounds like your ex-partner wanted someone who would bend
to his desires. I may be reaching here, but the lack of talking about
conflict and trying to force you to join a toy collecting group seems
pretty narrow-minded. It sounds like he doesn't care what you have
to say, because he thinks he is right and you should listen to him. Not because
he doesn't necessarily dislike conflict. He just thinks there should
be no conflict between you two because you should just listen to him.

I obviously don't know much about your relationship other than what
you've told us here and I am hypothesizing and conjecturing a lot,
but this seems to be more about respect than type.

I don't think he respected you as an individual and that he didn't
value your relationship as much as you did ): I don't say this to be cruel
but I can't imagine not telling my partner of 2 years that I wouldn't
be in touch because of my poor health.

 

[David54]

I agree with Bird completely. He does not seem interested in growing together, but in doing his own thing with you following along. If he is not interested in talking to mend the relationship, it seems a relationship not worth mending. I'm sorry, I think you are looking for a different answer, but I don''t believe there is one

 

[sassafras]

Can you elaborate on what you think he meant by you being 'hysterical'? How did you tell him you did not want to join the group? How did it escalate into an argument? Could it be something else that was said during the argument?

This is a very extreme reaction to a simple disagreement and it's making me think that there's more to it than just the parameters of the conflict.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

We had a very tough fight because I didn't want to join a Facebook group of toy collectors,

This line is hilarious and we all need to appreciate that.

But a few days ago I talked to him again and he replied dryly, telling me he was sick with vomiting, fever and facial paralysis.

Red flag.

I want to know if here some INFJ can provide another perspective, or other mbti. I feel very baffled and I hardly believe I understand how everything collapsed.

May I ask you if there are any other labels which mark him as 'special'? Any other ways in which he tells you that you can't fully understand him?

 

[acd]

This line is hilarious and we all need to appreciate that.

That request would have been red flag number one for me. Then I'd have promptly called it quits lol.

Anywho. Sounds like a cyber relationship that has run its course. OP I personally I think it would be good to let him go and invest your time and energy in someone who can reciprocate.

 

[KevCang]

Thank you all for your answers, they are all very valuable and help me analyze what happened.

I may be reaching here, but the lack of talking about
conflict and trying to force you to join a toy collecting group seems
pretty narrow-minded. It sounds like he doesn't care what you have
to say, because he thinks he is right and you should listen to him. Not because
he doesn't necessarily dislike conflict. He just thinks there should
be no conflict between you two because you should just listen to him.

I don't think he respected you as an individual and that he didn't
value your relationship as much as you did ): I don't say this to be cruel
but I can't imagine not telling my partner of 2 years that I wouldn't
be in touch because of my poor health.

He told me that I had to know that it was important for him and that he wanted me to participate in the group to go to that event ... I think he related that group to the event and with his brother who had recently died, who was a collector of dolls and he thought I didn't care about anything. The truth is that I did not share his hobby and did not have to. I never apologized for that, for example. But I never refused to go out with him, to accompany him or even to listen to him about his hobby (and others). He did not give the same importance to what I proposed, he discarded it and I had no problem ... we are not equal.

I think what you say he did not respect me as an individual is right: I told him that he did not have to impose any hobbies on me. That I could share them if I liked them and that there were many things that were, but others that were not.

It hurt me that he didn't let me know anything about his health and that he treated me like "someone else" practically.

I agree with Bird completely. He does not seem interested in growing together, but in doing his own thing with you following along. If he is not interested in talking to mend the relationship, it seems a relationship not worth mending. I'm sorry, I think you are looking for a different answer, but I don''t believe there is one

When we broke up (via Messenger!) He said nothing to defend himself or to try to rebuild the relationship. Much less before.

Can you elaborate on what you think he meant by you being 'hysterical'? How did you tell him you did not want to join the group? How did it escalate into an argument? Could it be something else that was said during the argument?

This is a very extreme reaction to a simple disagreement and it's making me think that there's more to it than just the parameters of the conflict.

As I mentioned above, it could have the meaning that his died brother was a doll collector and then I didn't care about his "memory".

I never promised to join the group or anything, I just postponed him saying "I'm going to see it", "I'm going to think about it", sometimes. Until when he escalated the discussion, I told him that I did not want, that I was not interested in the group and there he released his whole plan as to why he wanted me to enter. Plan that I completely did not know. He called that "hysterical" from me.

May I ask you if there are any other labels which mark him as 'special'? Any other ways in which he tells you that you can't fully understand him?

Unfortunately, I cannot realize that we had another discussion without going back to one we had a year ago when I threatened to break up with him because he was not proposing anything or seeing him interested in the relationship (he could spend four months quietly without seeing me). After that we never had discussions, except for some differences on some topics of debate. Which did not mean that I was fully satisfied - for example, and even though I was very little intimate, the almost complete lack of intimacy between the two.

Anywho. Sounds like a cyber relationship that has run its course. OP I personally I think it would be good to let him go and invest your time and energy in someone who can reciprocate.

It was not a cyber relationship. We saw each other several times, we had sex - although we didn't have more than a year ago. But the important things, the two great discussions we had, were cybernetic. I think that realized that we weren't so intimate in reality. I tried my best to make the relationship grow ... I think.

 

[Ginny]

If the relationship is one-sided, there is nothing you can do to make the relationship grow. You may be able to build a bridge, but the other person still needs to decide to cross it.

That being said, I don't believe in the future of relationships in which partners aren't equal. Of course, one person may be the one giving in all the time for the sake of the happiness of their SO, but in all fairness it needs reciprocation in order to create a harmonious equilibrium. But that's just my personal preference.

Nonetheless, you shouldn't have to violate the integeity of your individuality just to fill a hole that another person left. It seems to be that your SO has grown unhealthy in his grief (if he hasn't been like that the whole time) and tried to drag you along. Since he didn't listen to reason and projected his emotional turmoil onto you, he is not invested in your relationship as he is to satisfy his own needs, which isn't exactly indicative of a healthy INFJ. Most likely, he is incapable of dealing with the loss and is trying to keep his brother close by sacrificing what he has in reality and even himself in servitude of a dead person.
However, since you say this distance has always been there, it merely seems to be tip pf the iceberg. Your breaking it off didn't even result in a fight, so there wasn't even an emotional investment in the first place. If that is so, I would deem it just right that it ran its couse, as it was already said. It just wasn't meant to be. What you experienced was the mask coming off upon curtain fall. And you're left to pick up the pieces of constantly giving of yourself with nothing in return.

Sometimes, though, there is no explanation. Sure, it helps you to close the chapter, but the most important thing is that you reclaim yourself. What you did wasn't wrong. He may need help, but perhaps it's not the help you can provide or the solace that he needs right now. Especially if it is left unappreciated or if he is unable to connect well enough to see that you need support as well.

 

[KevCang]

Most likely, he is incapable of dealing with the loss and is trying to keep his brother close by sacrificing what he has in reality and even himself in servitude of a dead person.

That is exactly what I thought. He is reproducing the same isolation that his brother did in his last months of life when he also did not want any of his friends or acquaintances to see him ... but his boyfriend yes.

I can't do anything else. I told him that if at some point he wants to talk to me again, let him do it. Despite everything that happened, I don't hate him. I think he's overwhelmed.

. He may need help, but perhaps it's not the help you can provide or the solace that he needs right now. Especially if it is left unappreciated or if he is unable to connect well enough to see that you need support as well.

My brother told me that he probably didn't believe our relationship was for that kind of involvement. Possibly he didn't plan to hurt me, just withdraw into himself. But that ended all.

I'll go ahead.

 

[larcipelago]

(Sorry for my english)

Hello! I am an INTP that has been dating an INFJ for 2 years.

We had a very tough fight because I didn't want to join a Facebook group of toy collectors, That happened at the end of october. He told me just in the fight that he wanted me to have entered the group so that together we could go to an event organized by the group. I told him that I did not want to join the group because I am not interested, but I would have accompanied him to the event. But he told me that I was a hysterical and that I ignored him.

I tried to propose that we talk, but he refused and said "you will have to wait for me". He didn't talk to me for 1 month and ignored me on social media. I tried to give him his space.

But a few days ago I talked to him again and he replied dryly, telling me he was sick with vomiting, fever and facial paralysis. I told him that I was very sad for what was happening to him and I wrote that I wanted to see him, that we forgot our discussion, our differences.


But he didn't answer me for three days. Something he never did to me or I had never done to him. After that time (which added to his previous silence and that he never wanted to talk to me) I sent him farewell messages, in which I told him that he hated what he was doing, he hated his silence and that he had long since transformed as in "another person". I finally told him that we were ending the relationship and I blocked it.

After 24 hours I unlocked it, because I was looking for an answer from him. And I only found that, regardless of the fact that he tells me that he is in poor health (he has to recover from facial paralysis) I could never see him, I could never be with him, I never gave myself an alternative to solve what was happening. He just did not talk to me and distanced himself from me, to the point that he told me that he had not spoken to me the previous three days because "I am not attending to my social networks." As I am something else for him, not someone who is special or at least should know what happens to him and at least try to contain me if he sees me like that.

I want to believe that I was wrong, that I was selfish, that he had not moved away from me. I left it unlocked. All that crap I told you happened by Messenger. We could never talk about our problems, nor rebuild the relationship, nothing. It was a lifeless relationship, in which he always shunned the conflict. I want to know if here some INFJ can provide another perspective, or other mbti. I feel very baffled and I hardly believe I understand how everything collapsed.

Thank you for reading.

I feel you may have experience the door slam. Yes it could be forever, yes it is the way INFJs could possibly shut people out of their life. But my dear probably you should observe whether he likes or love YOU or just the IDEA OF YOU. We are the nerd, crazy people who have ideas of what our partner should become. When the picture collapses, yes you could be a total stranger in his eyes. If it is the case it is not likely due to hate, or dissapointment. Just a simple losing interest forever.
About that facial paralysis, you could also need to check. Sometimes we act like a hero, for a "good reason" we push people away without telling anything. But we are not heartless people. We do say, in some cases: "it is for her own good".
May be he is a psyco, or have some different ways in pleasing his sexual desire. After all he may be really loves you and doesnt want to hurt you?
Yes some of us have strange habbit like the Fifty Shades of Grey.

Those are just some of my speculation.

 

[KevCang]

I feel you may have experience the door slam. Yes it could be forever, yes it is the way INFJs could possibly shut people out of their life. But my dear probably you should observe whether he likes or love YOU or just the IDEA OF YOU. We are the nerd, crazy people who have ideas of what our partner should become. When the picture collapses, yes you could be a total stranger in his eyes. If it is the case it is not likely due to hate, or dissapointment. Just a simple losing interest forever.
About that facial paralysis, you could also need to check. Sometimes we act like a hero, for a "good and great reason" we push people out without telling anything. But we do say "it is for her own good". May be he is a psyco, or have some different ways in pleasing his sexual desire, after all and really loves you and doesnt want to hurt you?
Yes some of us have strange habbit like the Fifty Shades of Grey.

Those are just some of my speculation.

He spoke to me again after 1 month I broke up with him.

Yes, I was right about why he didn't talk to me. He simply did it because our relationship no longer worked on what he wanted me to be. At the time I told him clearly: "I am this, I am neither Fujitaka nor Touja [characters of Sakura Card Captor, to make him understand that our relationship was never going to be idyllic and that those ideas he would take out of the head]".

After all, I cannot know what motivated him that in practice he had decided to break up with me without speaking to me. But I do know what the trigger was and what its silence consisted of.

We spoke again only by chat (I have the impression that this is the kind of relationship he wants with me nothing more, a virtual thing). I already made it clear to him that we was not going to got any other relation (in spanish, "vínculo" is much lower than a "relación") than a friendship, and i was going to reduce the attention i gave him before.

And that ... he greets me for Christmas and New Year (something not done ever before) and he regularly writes ... with more regularity wrote to me the last time we were "together". And I think that's why: that's what seems to him comfortable. And sometimes, even though I have accepted recompose friendship, I want to reply 4 days later because it seems to me... more just...

Anyway, there is something that is clear to me: I don't want to go back, because he already had me in limbo too long. I hope this new approach is not for that, because I'm going to kick his ass.

 

[Pin]

It's better to be single than in a turbulent relationship.

 

[KevCang]

It's better to be single than in a turbulent relationship.

You're right. I'm in peace since i've broked with him.

 

[Pin]

You're right. I'm in peace since i've broked with him.

Writing poetry helps me calm down.

 

[KevCang]

And that ... he greets me for Christmas and New Year (something not done ever before) and he regularly writes ... with more regularity wrote to me the last time we were "together". And I think that's why: that's what seems to him comfortable. And sometimes, even though I have accepted recompose friendship, I want to reply 4 days later because it seems to me... more just...

I don't understand your message. Please be direct

 

[Ren]

I don't understand your message. Please be direct

That person just repeated a section of your earlier message. I don't know why.

Is your ex still regularly in touch with you? I'd advise caution—better take your distance. By the looks of it, you deserve a lot better.

 

[KevCang]

That person just repeated a section of your earlier message. I don't know why.

Is your ex still regularly in touch with you? I'd advise caution—better take your distance. By the looks of it, you deserve a lot better.

That person just repeated a section of your earlier message. I don't know why.

Is your ex still regularly in touch with you? I'd advise caution—better take your distance. By the looks of it, you deserve a lot better.

Yes, I know he repeated a part of my message, maybe it was a mistake.

Thanks for the warning, Ren. In a moment we almost spoke again as before, but I began to distance him again.

I told him in a conversation that I had many things left to tell him ... and he dodged it... olympically...

I didn't write again 1 week ago - he's traveling. I don't think we can really have a friendship based on the silence of what happened before.

 

[larry806q]

(Sorry for my english)

Hello! I am an INTP that has been dating an INFJ for 2 years.

We had a very tough fight because I didn't want to join a Facebook group of toy collectors, That happened at the end of october. He told me just in the fight that he wanted me to have entered the group so that together we could go to an event organized by the group. I told him that I did not want to join the group because I am not interested, but I would have accompanied him to the event. But he told me that I was a hysterical and that I ignored him.

I tried to propose that we talk, but he refused and said "you will have to wait for me". He didn't talk to me for 1 month and ignored me on social media. I tried to give him his space.

But a few days ago I talked to him again and he replied dryly, telling me he was sick with vomiting, fever and facial paralysis. I told him that I was very sad for what was happening to him and I wrote that I wanted to see him, that we forgot our discussion, our differences.


But he didn't answer me for three days. Something he never did to me or I had never done to him. After that time (which added to his previous silence and that he never wanted to talk to me) I sent him farewell messages, in which I told him that he hated what he was doing, he hated his silence and that he had long since transformed as in "another person". I finally told him that we were ending the relationship and I blocked it.

After 24 hours I unlocked it, because I was looking for an answer from him. And I only found that, regardless of the fact that he tells me that he is in poor health (he has to recover from facial paralysis) I could never see him, I could never be with him, I never gave myself an alternative to solve what was happening. He just did not talk to me and distanced himself from me, to the point that he told me that he had not spoken to me the previous three days because "I am not attending to my social networks." As I am something else for him, not someone who is special or at least should know what happens to him and at least try to contain me if he sees me like that.

I want to believe that I was wrong, that I was selfish, that he had not moved away from me. I left it unlocked. All that crap I told you happened by Messenger. We could never talk about our problems, nor rebuild the relationship, nothing. It was a lifeless relationship, in which he always shunned the conflict. I want to know if here some INFJ can provide another perspective, or other mbti. I feel very baffled and I hardly believe I understand how everything collapsed.

Thank you for reading.

Any chance you could re-read your post after telling yourself, you are wise beyond your years, you are all powerful, and what few answers you don't have the Universe will provide. You were quite clear on what happened and how you feel about it.

Larry

 

[Panfan]

Yes, I know he repeated a part of my message, maybe it was a mistake.

Thanks for the warning, Ren. In a moment we almost spoke again as before, but I began to distance him again.

I told him in a conversation that I had many things left to tell him ... and he dodged it... olympically...

I didn't write again 1 week ago - he's traveling. I don't think we can really have a friendship based on the silence of what happened before.

I don’t know the whole situation, but from your story I think he might feel overwhelmed by the sadness when he broke up with you. When stressed, INFJ prefer to be alone, it’s nothing personal. He might be trying to process his feelings first.

Since he writes to you more regularly, there might be a chance he’s trying to reconnect. For me, either I regret my action or still care about the person, I wouldn’t go as far to reach out to my ex out of blue. Or it may be his way to make up for hurting you.

But to talk about a significant fight, especially the one that lead to breakup, is very hard. It might trigger other negative memories from that event. Not to mention the potential fight from bringing that up. If it was me, I would continually test the waters until I’m safe enough to discuss it without ruining everything. Deep inside I’d secretly wish to not talk about it, but instead focus on the future and build better relationship with this person.

Of course you are free to choose what you want to do about it. I’m just a stranger that stumble upon this thread and trying to explain things from my perspective

 

[KevCang]

I don’t know the whole situation, but from your story I think he might feel overwhelmed by the sadness when he broke up with you. When stressed, INFJ prefer to be alone, it’s nothing personal. He might be trying to process his feelings first.

Since he writes to you more regularly, there might be a chance he’s trying to reconnect. For me, either I regret my action or still care about the person, I wouldn’t go as far to reach out to my ex out of blue. Or it may be his way to make up for hurting you.

But to talk about a significant fight, especially the one that lead to breakup, is very hard. It might trigger other negative memories from that event. Not to mention the potential fight from bringing that up. If it was me, I would continually test the waters until I’m safe enough to discuss it without ruining everything. Deep inside I’d secretly wish to not talk about it, but instead focus on the future and build better relationship with this person.

Of course you are free to choose what you want to do about it. I’m just a stranger that stumble upon this thread and trying to explain things from my perspective

Thank you very much for your comment, Panfan.

Your reflections are very similar to those that I have arrived at these days.

We have talk to me again and with increasing frequency - daily. At the same time I worked my own self-esteem, which was at a very low level. I approach cautiously. 1 week ago we went out, but initially as friends.

I'm testing the waters as you say. And surely he too.

So that all this, with the peace of mind I try to have, may be possible, I had to shed the resentment over previous fights. I understood that having a better relationship is to build a better new relationship. But I don't forget what happened before: I have it in mind to deal with problems that arise or not. For now, friendship has been restored.