Another "help me find out my type"

[Nightwalker]

First of all, I've got to say that I don't like doing this, but I'd like a second opinion about my MBTI type.
On some tests, I turned out ISFP, but some people I know think I might be an INFJ.

Here are some of my traits:

I am painfully meticulous.
So much that I have to lift both of my sofas onto my dinner table in order to vacuum effectively, cause if I know there might be some dust left, I find no use in cleaning at all.
People around me always say that I'm way too complex and deep, and that I'm terribly obsessed with unnecessary details.
My boss once told me to clear all the gravel out of a field with a rake, so that the lawn mowers wouldn't get broken in the summer.
The result was me breaking 3 rakes and leaving a tiny patch of dirt left where the grass should be. Couldn't be done.
In fact I'd rather stay away from that kind of work in the future.
It just takes so much energy out of me.

I was never too bright at school, except for language, in which I usually got straight A's.
Math is the worst subject for me. I requires a blank mind to temporarily store information to be processed.
I've never had a blank mind. I've had artistic ideas, visions and hopes which continue to occupy my mind to this day. Therefore I've been called stupid by some people around me (mostly extraverts, mind you).
I'm feeling very sick and dizzy when I have to visit a city.
Too many impulses all around me and too many faces rushing by, so I stay at the countryside where I know everything and feel in control.

Psychologists and doctors have been scracthing their heads for as long as I've been seeing them.
They've been passing on diagnose after diagnose and I've been told I have ADD, asperger syndrome and schizoid personality disorder.
I'm very logical, but ruled by emotion, which means that I do whatever I feel like even if I know it's gonna haunt me later.

 

[sassafras]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you've been diagnosed with a personality disorder it may be impossible to determine your MBTI type. A personality disorder is usually the result of looped programming that is, in essence, an over-reliance on a singular function whereas the MBTI system looks at how all your functions work together in tandem. If there's some disruption in the way your brain is wired, you won't quite fit into any of the 16 types.

Why do you want to know your MBTI type?

 

[Nightwalker]

Why do you want to know your MBTI type?

Simply because I somehow believe it will make my life easier, like having a slightly bigger advantage.
I've been depressed for over 10 years, and I'm constantly looking for a revelation, or so I feel.
I do some strange stuff:

1: When crossing the road, I always wait until there are no cars around, and then I cross it quickly before someone comes along and have to stop. I get seriously agitated when there is too much traffic, and I have nowhere to stroll, so that people stop and wait for me.
2: I let people in front of me when I'm standing in a line at the store, so that I won't look like a complete fool if my credit card is somehow empty when I'm paying.
3: When someone has done something that requires me to confront them, I tend not to, because I'm terrified of conflict. When someone wants to help me out with it after I tell them not to, I tend to threaten them instead, so I've gotten a conflict anyway.

Just turmoil, all the time.
My head feels like it's gonna implode.

 

[sassafras]

Simply because I somehow believe it will make my life easier, like having a slightly bigger advantage. I've been depressed for over 10 years, and I'm constantly looking for a revelation, or so I feel.

Funny you should say that, as it sounds eerily familiar. I wrote a post about it the other day. You can read my thoughts here.

I do some strange stuff:

1: When crossing the road, I always wait until there are no cars around, and then I cross it quickly before someone comes along and have to stop. I get seriously agitated when there is too much traffic, and I have nowhere to stroll, so that people stop and wait for me.
2: I let people in front of me when I'm standing in a line at the store, so that I won't look like a complete fool if my credit card is somehow empty when I'm paying.
3: When someone has done something that requires me to confront them, I tend not to, because I'm terrified of conflict. When someone wants to help me out with it after I tell them not to, I tend to threaten them instead, so I've gotten a conflict anyway.

Just turmoil, all the time.

Reading this and your original post, it actually sounds to me like you may be suffering from social anxiety, particularly where you fear being an 'inconvenience' to someone. I'm also guessing that this mental program has done a number on crippling your self-esteem, which also could interfere with how you function day to day because of what ways you choose to 'cope' with this distress and the fact that you probably second guess yourself a lot. That's really nothing too strange. It's actually a very common problem for a lot of people and it can be treated. The thing is, it takes time and concentrated effort and a lot of honesty with oneself and others. What have your docs/therapists suggested for you? Have you done talk therapy?

My head feels like it's gonna implode.

I completely sympathize. :/

 

[Nightwalker]

Yes, I've been seeing psychologists for years, but they always tend to get sick for a long time or just stop being a psychologist altogether.
They haven't told me to do anything in particular to help myself.
I'm having trouble sleeping (hence my nickname), mainly because my inner turmoil and thoughts get more present when my surroundings are quiet.
This affects my job, and further fuels my depression and feeling of worthlessness.
I mostly stay away from people I don't know well, because I appear clumsy when needing to express myself verbally.
I also steer away from conflict in any way I can, as my verbal skills greatly diminish to the point where I can hardly talk, and rage fills me up.
It can only be described as being injected with black, thick boiling poison.

 

[sassafras]

Yes, I've been seeing psychologists for years, but they always tend to get sick for a long time or just stop being a psychologist altogether.
They haven't told me to do anything in particular to help myself.
I'm having trouble sleeping (hence my nickname), mainly because my inner turmoil and thoughts get more present when my surroundings are quiet.
This affects my job, and further fuels my depression and feeling of worthlessness.
I mostly stay away from people I don't know well, because I appear clumsy when needing to express myself verbally.
I also steer away from conflict in any way I can, as my verbal skills greatly diminish to the point where I can hardly talk, and rage fills me up.
It can only be described as being injected with black, thick boiling poison.

That's rather odd about your therapists; I don't know what its like where you are, but a psychologist around here will usually give you a few tips on what you can do to ease your depression. I myself have done these, so I can attest to their effectiveness. Here's a few to start:

• Avoid caffeine, sugars, breads and limit (if not eliminate entirely) the consumption of processed foods. You'd be surprised how much of an effect your diet has not only on your mood, but your thinking and concentration. When you eat more fresh 'living' food, like fruits and vegetables, you will be a lot more 'clear' and you will sleep better. You feel lighter and you can focus better. But be warned: the first two weeks when you transition from a diet high in sugar to a clean diet, you are going to be absolutely miserable because it takes time for your body to adjust. But as long as you're aware that this is normal and you see it through, I guarantee it will be like night and day for you.
• Exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes a day. Do anything that will get your heart rate up. Walk fast, jog, bike, skip rope, lift weights, anything as long as its for the full 30 minutes. The hormones you release when you do vigorous activity are a natural antidepressant and a sleep-aid. The other thing? When you move, you want to keep moving, so if you're having a hard time getting things done in life, exercise is a great way to gain momentum. That, and it you feel like you've accomplished something too, so self-esteem boost!
• If you take naps during the day, you need to stop. Napping is bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. It throws your sleep schedule.
• Speaking of which, even if you can't fall asleep, commit to going to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning and do it. No excuses. It'll probably take a few nights, but eventually you'll fall into routine and you will be sleeping through the night. Also, to help, make sure you get off the computer or turn off the TV about an hour before bed as the bright screen interferes with your sleep. Read a book or a magazine instead or listen to some classical music before bed. It'll calm you.
• Overall, you should limit the amount of time you spend in front of a screen and only use it as strictly necessary. It depletes your precious dopamine levels as soon as you shut it off and you feel like crap and don't feel like dealing with life.
• Set small goals for yourself and accomplish them. Don't let yourself get too caught up in the details; just focus on finishing them. If the urge to do it 'perfectly' or the desire to change your strategy arises, work your way through the discomfort using your original plan. Make sure the goals are reasonable and you can complete them given your current strengths. You have to be honest with yourself.
• The way to beat anxiety is to gradually expose yourself to situations that give you that anxiety and build up a muscle. You can do this with small goals, like described above. Prove to yourself that you can deal with the discomfort and practice. For instance, one day when you find yourself standing in line with just one person behind you, don't let them ahead of you; pay first. If you mess up, acknowledge to yourself that you're just nervous about this and try again. Or find something maybe a little less challenging and work your way up to that step. It may be a good idea to enlist someone you know and trust to help you with this at first.

I hope these help. It may be a good idea to start with the sleep schedule first and then the diet and exercise. Those make the biggest strides, believe me. My heart goes out to you because I've been where you are before and I remember how terrifying it was. But you can do it. Take care of yourself.

 

[Nightwalker]

Thanks for taking the time to give me some sound advice.
I could probably give you a thousand reasons why they wouldn't work, but I know that's just my pessimistic side talking.
The biggest reason, however, is that I'm not persistent at all. I change my directions and goals from day to day.
One day I might feel more full of myself, and do stuff I normally wouldn't.
The next day I would regret everything I did the day before, and attempt to erase myself, cause I feel sick about what I said and did.
Regarding sleep, I've been a guinea pig for doctors trying out sleeping pills.
For example:
Melatonin never worked for me.
Neither did flunitrazepam, mirtazapine, promethazine or 20 mgs of diazepam.
The only sleeping pill that did anything for me was zopiclone, and then I didn't remember what I had done the last 30 minutes before I went to bed.
Searching the closet for dead bodies later.

I do actually work out more than an hour each day.
I also have a very physically challenging job, sometimes lifting my own bodyweight in furniture etc. I thrive doing this, and wish every day could be the same.
Food:
Alright, this is where I struggle. I just stuff my face with whatever tastes real good, and it usually isn't vegetables.
I guess you could call it stress-eating, which in turn becomes a vicious cycle.
I'm a wreck, that's all I know.
I do occationally get my moments of clarity though, and I use them for what they're worth.