[INFJ] Am I Dishonest?

[Zola]

It hurts me to be called dishonest, but I do come across that way. When I'm caught between two people who are fighting, I see it both ways. I listen, and understand, and agree with each one. When I defend one to the other, they think I'm disloyal. When I help one, the other feels betrayed. Straddling the fence like that is risky.

Yet, I am clear about one thing: I want the fighting to stop. Personally, I cannot stay angry at people. I forgive. I see it their way. This makes me seem wishy-washy and weak, but I'm actually strong. I meet my problems head on, and I take responsibility for my actions. Even if I still don't believe that I've done something wrong, I acknowledge the other person's feelings.

So, does that qualify as being dishonest? Or a doormat? Or is this part of being an INFJ -- which (by the way) is nothing I would choose to be if I could help it!

 

[Deleted member 16771]

It hurts me to be called dishonest, but I do come across that way. When I'm caught between two people who are fighting, I see it both ways. I listen, and understand, and agree with each one. When I defend one to the other, they think I'm disloyal. When I help one, the other feels betrayed. Straddling the fence like that is risky.

Yet, I am clear about one thing: I want the fighting to stop. Personally, I cannot stay angry at people. I forgive. I see it their way. This makes me seem wishy-washy and weak, but I'm actually strong. I meet my problems head on, and I take responsibility for my actions. Even if I still don't believe that I've done something wrong, I acknowledge the other person's feelings.

So, does that qualify as being dishonest? Or a doormat? Or is this part of being an INFJ -- which (by the way) is nothing I would choose to be if I could help it!

Wow this really resonated with me. I do this as a reflex.

When people are fighting and one of them confides in you about it, they really want you to take their side and validate their temporary feelings, but I just can't do that (unless it's very obvious that one of them is in the wrong).

I almost always play devil's advocate, probably to a fault. If I know both of them, and it's really serious (e.g. Family), my response can be something like 'grow up and see the bigger picture', since it actually pisses me off when people are willing to destroy relationships based on small perceived slights and their own sense of pride. It's like they don't fully grasp just how precious other people are.

As to your question about loyalty, I think it just means that you have a 'greater loyalty' to overall harmony.

 

[Asa]

Every person has a different sense of what loyalty means. If your friends are telling you that mediating a situation is "disloyal", they have a different sense of the word that you do. (The same is true for love, friendship, and so forth.) In your heart, your willingness to improve your friends' lives by mediating until peace is reached is loyalty. You want what is best for them. You strive for harmony. At least one of those friends, if not both, believes loyalty means you must back them 100 percent.

You sounds more mature that your friends, to be honest, and you have a willingness to compromise and work things out with others, while your friends have yet to learn why doing this is valuable.

Mediating is not specifically an INFJ trait. Some other types are distinctly known for it.
INFJs are good at seeing the many facets of a situation, and understanding other's feelings, as well as seeing things that some others miss. Use these traits to distinguish exactly what you can say and how to say it when you chose to mediate, or you could end up in a squabble with these friends.

You're not "dishonest". If anything, it sounds like you are being more honest because you're not willing to say what others want to hear just to make them happy.

 

[Wyote]

People will generally percieve you as dishonest if their expectation of your loyalty doesn't match the reality of your actions.

So yes, and no.

 

[Zola]

Wow this really resonated with me. I do this as a reflex.

Thanks. Makes me feel better. I feel like I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "sucker."

When people are fighting and one of them confides in you about it, they really want you to take their side and validate their temporary feelings, but I just can't do that (unless it's very obvious that one of them is in the wrong). I almost always play devil's advocate, probably to a fault.

I tried that. It didn't work. They yelled at ME as a proxy person to get their anger out. Plus, they said I was "making excuses."

If I know both of them, and it's really serious (e.g. Family), my response can be something like 'grow up and see the bigger picture',

Good, then I'm on the right track. They probably aren't ready to reconcile no matter what I do. It's a matter of pride and ego. Really sad.

As to your question about loyalty, I think it just means that you have a 'greater loyalty' to overall harmony.

Right. I even said to one, "What's more important, to be right or to be loved?" It got me nowhere. Anger is an evil force.

 

[Zola]

In your heart, your willingness to improve your friends' lives by mediating until peace is reached is loyalty... At least one of those friends, if not both, believes loyalty means you must back them 100 percent.

And that's why they can't make up. Because it's not 50/50. Each one wants the other to take 100% of the blame. I got into so much trouble by telling one of them to "share the blame."

You sounds more mature that your friends, to be honest

Thanks. I appreciate your compliment.
One of them yelled at me on the phone for an hour and a half last week. I felt so bad about myself after that, I could hardly sleep.

Mediating is not specifically an INFJ trait. Some other types are distinctly known for it.

Again, thanks. I am so relieved to hear that. I HATE MEDIATING. I abhore conflicts. I am not the morality police, either. It must be INFP that does that advocacy thing.

INFJs are good at seeing the many facets of a situation, and understanding other's feelings, as well as seeing things that some others miss. Use these traits to distinguish exactly what you can say and how to say it when you chose to mediate, or you could end up in a squabble with these friends.

Wow, you're not kidding. I sure did.

You're not "dishonest". If anything, it sounds like you are being more honest because you're not willing to say what others want to hear just to make them happy.

And here I thought I was giving in too readily. I guess I only give in when it comes to what I do. I am more than willing to admit my own mistakes, but I don't like telling other people what to do.

 

[HDhotdog]

One of them yelled at me on the phone for an hour and a half last week. I felt so bad about myself after that, I could hardly sleep.

Yelling at you for a problem that you were originally not even evolved in? That sounds quite messed up, I probably would have hung up. In the end, they will have to put it straight themselves anyway and another conflict involving you for sure won't help.

At least one of those friends, if not both, believes loyalty means you must back them 100 percent.

And like already said this doesn't seem to be dishonest at all because if it was, you would have to remain on the sidelines but still probably get turned on why you don't jump in and prove their point.

 

[Zola]

Yes, it certainly was messed up. I consider myself collateral damage. I was involved in the problem, but my role was exaggerated. I apologized for what I did. But I still have to get the others together, or my relationship with them can't normalize.

Person #1 wants Person #2 to fight directly
Person #2 wants to withdraw and wait for time to ease the conflict

If they don't talk, they will keep hating each other indefinitely. If they do talk, all they will do is yell and hang up or walk out.

I did jump in and challenge both of them, going so far as to threaten breaking off with both of them, but I can't do that. I love them both. And they know it.

So now, they know I'm still talking to each of them, and they kind of pump me for information, but I've learned a valuable INFJ thing: DO NOT TRIANGULATE. Refuse to talk about one person to the other.