A hypothetical bad situation for an INFJ...

[Asuran Fish]

I'm not really an expert in how the different types handle different situations based on their cognitive functions, but I would like to hear from some of my fellow INFJs how you would respond, or expect another INFJ to respond to this situation.

You have a job you're generally content with. You work with several good friends, and draw a lot of pleasure out of the time you spend with them, and your ability to listen to and help them. Because of your introverted nature, you have some difficulty meeting new people when you actually have to... go and meet new people.

Among your co-workers are two or three of the best friends you've ever had.

One day your boss tells you you're being transferred, and doesn't even give you enough notice to prepare for it, or to say goodbye to your friends.

Upon arriving at your new location, you find the environment is extremely disorganized. The staff hasn't been trained at all, and it's basically the wild west. Every time you try to envision your next move, or to think about the friends you've left behind - you're thoughts are interrupted, and you're dragged back into the hectic environment - because you're the only one capable of solving even the simplest problem.

You have options: such as asking for your old job back - but maybe you'll be denied, and then be on the bad side of your bosses. You could quit, but you need a job badly. You can look for other jobs, but you're in such turmoil, that you constantly feel drained and unprepared to take on any more.

I was stuck in this situation for three months, and it was undoubtedly the worst three months of my life. I eventually resolved it, but I feel like I hit an emotional and mental rock bottom during this time.

I'm curious as to what would be expected from our typology in such situations, compared to what I experienced.

 

[Wyote]

I eventually resolved it

How tho

 

[Wyote]

I'd probably try stupidly to fix the environment until things exploded and change was forced to occur. Or just find a polite way to get the old gig back if it wouldn't put me in an awkward position somehow.

 

[Asuran Fish]

How tho

I told them I wanted my old job back, and got it. Took a while though, and was very awkward. I wound up quitting on my own terms. I have an awesome new job now with some wonderful people.

Anyway... here's what happened to me...

1: My first negative reaction was constant sadness from missing my friends.
2: The second negative reaction was growing increasingly fearful of the future (if this job is there, I'll be a wreck, if my friends aren't there, I'll be a wreck, if I don't have a job, I'll be a wreck)
*"wreck" is putting it very lightly... but simply put I thought I'd never, ever be happy again
3: My third reaction was to grow increasingly resentful of the job itself, and completely withdraw myself while there... but despite my attempts to withdraw, I kept being thrown back into the fire... there was no escape as long as I was there
4: My fourth reaction was for my anxiety to completely blow up... panic attacks... my appetite vanished... I couldn't sleep... when I did sleep, it was filled with erratic, unpleasant dreams... it was at this point where I made myself very unavailable, and door slammed the job as best as I could afford to... I cut my hours to the bare minimum to survive, tuned everyone out, and shut myself off to mostly everyone... this was also the point where I sought therapy. Additionally, I reactivated my old MMORPG account, just to have something to bury my mind in. I didn't even want to play it. I just wanted to stop thinking about everything else.

I guess everyone handles things differently - but I was curious about how this behavior lines up with Ni Fe Ti Se. I'll say that I have VERY strong Fe. Maybe strong is the wrong word, but it's a very passionate Fe. If I care about you, I REALLY CARE about you. That's probably why being separated from my friends on zero notice completely ripped my insides out.

INFJ descriptions I've read have merely stated that an INFJ in crisis may turn to overeating or overdrinking. I kind of went in the opposite direction with that. I was almost completely unable to eat during the worst of this crisis.

My mindset during this whole mess was...

Emotional Brain: "I want to run to a friend, hug them, cry, and tell them everything that's wrong!"
Logical Brain (plus internet/therapy advice): "Why not go and do that then?"
Emotional Brain: "I can't do that....!"
Logical Brain: Why not?
Emotional Brain: "...because."

* Also, regarding therapy: It's amazing how easy it is to tell a total stranger the entire contents of your soul at any given moment... but telling a dear friend you're sad, or struggling, or scared? Impossible! Is this another INFJ thing?

 

[Wyote]

I'll say that I have VERY strong Fe. Maybe strong is the wrong word, but it's a very passionate Fe. If I care about you, I REALLY CARE about you. That's probably why being separated from my friends on zero notice completely ripped my insides out.

This could be Fi creeping up due to stress. Relationships are supremely important and being stressed could make you more cognizant of that importance, and so more protective.

INFJ descriptions I've read have merely stated that an INFJ in crisis may turn to overeating or overdrinking. I kind of went in the opposite direction with that. I was almost completely unable to eat during the worst of this crisis.

It is more that an INFJ will engage in obsession. The particular obsession can be extremely varied depending on the person. For you in this instance it was possibly starvation.

Also, regarding therapy: It's amazing how easy it is to tell a total stranger the entire contents of your soul at any given moment... but telling a dear friend you're sad, or struggling, or scared? Impossible! Is this another INFJ thing?

I think this is kind of a general human thing. We don't want to hurt those we care about, even by laying our own burdens upon them

 

[Ginny]

Upon arriving at your new location, you find the environment is extremely disorganized. The staff hasn't been trained at all, and it's basically the wild west. Every time you try to envision your next move, or to think about the friends you've left behind - you're thoughts are interrupted, and you're dragged back into the hectic environment - because you're the only one capable of solving even the simplest problem.

You have options: such as asking for your old job back - but maybe you'll be denied, and then be on the bad side of your bosses. You could quit, but you need a job badly. You can look for other jobs, but you're in such turmoil, that you constantly feel drained and unprepared to take on any more.

I'd probably try stupidly to fix the environment until things exploded and change was forced to occur. Or just find a polite way to get the old gig back if it wouldn't put me in an awkward position somehow.

That would have been my answer if it hadn't been given already. Kind of.

I would have tried to fix the environment, although it might have dragged me into the dragon-y shadow until shaken out of it. That's at least what happened before.
Nowadays I'd like to think I would be more cunning in teaching my colleagues, without turning into a dragon, though no idea how it would turn out in reality.

This could be Fi creeping up due to stress. Relationships are supremely important and being stressed could make you more cognizant of that importance, and so more protective.

It is more that an INFJ will engage in obsession. The particular obsession can be extremely varied depending on the person. For you in this instance it was possibly starvation.

I think this is kind of a general human thing. We don't want to hurt those we care about, even by laying our own burdens upon them

That too. Caring and focussing on emotions is more of an Fi thing, and this fixation on loss is also more indicative of the shadow function's negative influence in stress situations.

I also have bouts of starvation under depression, especially when stuck in an Fi-Si spiral of negative reinforcement due to overinternalisation (technically, it includes Te making up reasons for more negative thoughts).
Often, the solution is a conscious engagement into Fe, it's my go-to for balance.

 

[Asuran Fish]

I also have bouts of starvation under depression, especially when stuck in an Fi-Si spiral of negative reinforcement due to overinternalisation (technically, it includes Te making up reasons for more negative thoughts).
Often, the solution is a conscious engagement into Fe, it's my go-to for balance.

For me, the "starvation" comes in because my stomach is in constant knots due to the anxiety. Really, really sucked.

One description of Si I've seen is "what was", and a description of Fi is "what I value as important". To me, being stuck in a loop of my shadow functions sounds like what may have happened, if for no other reason than "what I value as important" is "what was" - which was engaging into my Fe (as you put it).

As I said, my Fe is very intense, to the point that my Ni almost always has to "ask permission" from my Fe before making a final call, because the Ni knows everything will go to shit if Fe isn't happy.

So in the case of the situation I went through, it was like...

Ni: This is an opportunity I guess. It would be pragmatic and beneficial to stick it out. What do you think Fe?
Fe: THIS IS FRIGGIN' HORRIBLE, OH MY GOD
Ni: Hmm, yeah... you're right. Maybe there's a solution. Ti?
Ti: Ahem... well...
*stuff starts happening, quite thinking time is interrupted*
Se: WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
Fe: Ti?! WHAT DO WE DO?
Ti: I DON'T KNOW DUDE!
Ni: THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK!

*dramatic music plays - shadow functions emerge*

Ne: You're gonna wind up miserable, alone, and suicidal.
Fi: I miss everyone...
Ne: They're gonna forget about you and move one with their lives.
Si: Everything was awesome two weeks ago...
Ne: Well nothing will be awesome ever again.
Te: Let's curl up in a ball, sob, and try to disappear! Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Fi: Someone hug me...
Si: I wish I had a time machine...

 

[Ginny]

For me, the "starvation" comes in because my stomach is in constant knots due to the anxiety. Really, really sucked.

One description of Si I've seen is "what was", and a description of Fi is "what I value as important". To me, being stuck in a loop of my shadow functions sounds like what may have happened, if for no other reason than "what I value as important" is "what was" - which was engaging into my Fe (as you put it).

As I said, my Fe is very intense, to the point that my Ni almost always has to "ask permission" from my Fe before making a final call, because the Ni knows everything will go to shit if Fe isn't happy.

So in the case of the situation I went through, it was like...

Ni: This is an opportunity I guess. It would be pragmatic and beneficial to stick it out. What do you think Fe?
Fe: THIS IS FRIGGIN' HORRIBLE, OH MY GOD
Ni: Hmm, yeah... you're right. Maybe there's a solution. Ti?
Ti: Ahem... well...
*stuff starts happening, quite thinking time is interrupted*
Se: WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
Fe: Ti?! WHAT DO WE DO?
Ti: I DON'T KNOW DUDE!
Ni: THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK!

*dramatic music plays - shadow functions emerge*

Ne: You're gonna wind up miserable, alone, and suicidal.
Fi: I miss everyone...
Ne: They're gonna forget about you and move one with their lives.
Si: Everything was awesome two weeks ago...
Ne: Well nothing will be awesome ever again.
Te: Let's curl up in a ball, sob, and try to disappear! Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Fi: Someone hug me...
Si: I wish I had a time machine...

I'm not sure this is how the functions work... at least not quite.

Ni couldn't say what an opportunity is, it's the extraverted functions' job to see about timing. It's more of a sensing and judging thing, you know?

Ni can be heavily involved in the planning, though. Ni sees the formation of a pattern available to you, sorted by the judging functions. Therefore, "opportunity" is such a bad word for it. Ni waits for everything to sort itself out, it's an almost ingraspable function, as most of its acitivity is so unconscious that most are only aware of it once it presents its output or once it starts working with Fe-Ti.

The judging functions almost always work in tandem and the other functions. Fe is not just a pure ethical code, it works with Ni to synthesise perspectives, which are filtered by Ti (and Fi, depending on its development), as it holds your logically derived principles (whereas Fi represents the personal moral compass, good or bad - it's what you feel and want)

The same with Ne. It's a function of opening up possibilities, it doesn't judge. There isn't actually a function that says you're going to wind up alone. Fi is the feeling that you get, the bottomless pit of loneliness, working on Ne to filter out all the positive outcomes, leaving you only with negativity. This is perpetuated by Te, which makes up the reasons for why you're undeserving even though Fi would love to hold against it if it weren't for all the negative outcomes it created which in turn made it hopeless. Your Fi and Te aren't your friends in that scenario. Si adds to the bad feeling with the memory forcing itself on you, the sensations, the tension, anxiety, tremors, maybe even crying fits. Not just the memory of what actually happened, but also the synthesised negative alternatives.

Fe can get you out, by expelling the emotions, getting help from other people, by putting things into a logical perspective again (I think you note that I include Ti in this), functions that are able to get messages from Ni, which can tell you how you perceive the world, and in turn you get the uplifting reintegration of the situation via a different take on it provided by the new perspective.

How would Si be able to talk about wishes? It's a possibility, therefore a product of Ne and Fi making up a dream reality.


I am sorry if that came across as forceful or cruel, but I feel it is necessary to go against false descriptions of the functions right away so they don't manifest. This is but a very short explanation of this, lacking the usual expansion on the definitions and dynamics I provide. But I hope you get the general gist of them anyway.

 

[jkxx]

* Also, regarding therapy: It's amazing how easy it is to tell a total stranger the entire contents of your soul at any given moment... but telling a dear friend you're sad, or struggling, or scared? Impossible! Is this another INFJ thing?

Perhaps not because I can only tell personal things to those with whom I have a personal connection - as therapists operate on the principle that everything must be kept formal they are out. However I don't think that's an INFJ thing, just a "me" thing.

Now the job part - work is not particularly important for me so long as the environment is decent enough that it can be tolerated (it becomes a problem when it isn't) but the overall perception of quality of time spent there is determined by other things. So instead what does matter most is how any close friends are treated if we happen to work at the same place. I've had a couple of examples where they were not -

in the first we three of us worked in the same work place (and actually the second from the next example) but due to bad management things went from quite nice at the beginning to intolerable toward the end (abusive managers and having a CCTV camera installed in our office and aimed at us watching us all day long) - in this case I had just started working previously having been denied a disability claim (I was told I did not deserve anything including help so would just have to start work and figure it out) and didn't want to rock the boat. After it was obvious the general manager at the place was a douche bag I just found a similar job at another place nearby and transferred - a rather impulsive ENFJ close friend of mine followed suit rage-quitting the same day and the other INFJ friend stayed on a bit but also decided the place was not worth putting up with. So in this case the situation was resolved by going elsewhere onto a better environment. The company lost valuable talent and I'm sure they felt the loss after a while but from what I heard no lessons were learned by management. The "victory" consisted of us saving our skins and our sanity and avoiding stress which would have surely affected all of us heavily.

In the second example I was working with the same two friends although in this case I didn't do much when I was personally attacked - in that case by being forced to work on a really grueling project involving a crappy proprietary application and what turned out to be some illegal activity (but that was only discovered much later) - I worked on that project for some 8 months but warned my superiors that I'd walk out if he didn't find someone else as I'd had enough - this did the trick and someone was hired with the responsibility transferred to them. However my partner in this project who is also a close friend was attacked by people high up in the company, and let's say among other things sexism was one of the issues here another being what constituted harassment of that person. Although I had been able to more or less keep it together through the grueling project I lost it when my friend was attacked and started to look for a "nuclear option" solution (as the harassment was continuing and the sense of entitlement in the two individuals meant they would not stop) - indeed there was a way to document the harassment and other wrongdoing and hopefully get these people terminated. So we did just that with the assistance of the appropriate people and within a 3 month span both were gone. While this didn't necessarily improve conditions in our department they weren't around to harass my friend.

 

[phoenixrisen]

In my case I was in the military for quite a few years so moving on was part of the gig. I have had good assignments and bad ones, I've worked with great people and complete assholes. Sometimes the only option is to overcome and adapt especially in the military where you can't walk away.

The best way to get through it is to try to effect some positive change within the organization. In a scenario as the OP describes, I see that as an opportunity to excel. If you are the only diamond in a box of rocks everyone will see it.

I believe INFJ's have traits that do offer us advantages and we should use our superpowers!

 

[Asa]

1. The job move wasn't about you, it was about solving a problem at the company. It seems like the boss stuck you in the new job because they believed you had the competence to create order out of chaos. It was an opportunity to prove yourself.
1a: You may have been taken out of the environment with your friends because the boss thought socializing was getting in the way of productivity, or stagnating worker progress.
1b: This was possibly your chance to gain a new title or raise if you solved the problem. By asking for your old job back, you failed.

2. Work is not about being with friends. (Yes, friends improve the work environment, but work is still not about being with friends.)
2a: That's what breaks, lunch, after work and sneaking onto the internet are for.

^^^ Aside from all this, I empathize and agree the new environment was not a good fit for you. Even if you solved your boss' problem and made order out of chaos, you would have eventually burned out, both from solving the problem, and from working in the type of group it was. Your only choices would have been to succeed at the task and ask the boss for a new task that better suited you (which you would have earned had you succeeded), or switch to a new job. Asking for your old job back was going backward, even if it was not a demotion. It sucks that they didn't give you a choice and just moved you without warning. I'd (completely silently, internally) freak out, too.


As a shy introvert I feel your pain with socializing, meeting new people, and working with strangers, but socializing is a life skill. Secondary Fe gives INFJs an advantage in learning this life skill because Fe helps us relate to others. In your private life you can hide, but for work you need to be sociable to a degree. Fe is the reason so many INFJs come across as extroverts. When well developed we know how to turn it up, we just burn out and need to hide to recharge. So, whenever you're thrown into a new work situation with strangers 'remember your Fe'.


You could luck out and work your entire career with friends, but odds are you'll have more of these experiences. If you rise to the challenge, you'll have more opportunities for the career you really want. If you quit every time this comes up, you will stagnate.

 

[ephemeraldust]

Apart from anything type related, I suggest you shore up your boundaries. A classic book on boundaries is called Boundaries (forgot the subtitle) by an author whose last name is Cloud—sorry that’s all I remember.

Another good one is called Love is a Choice by Minerth/Meyer

You are a worthy and valuable human being. Sending virtual hugs and hope this helps