@Skarekrow would you say all that you've found out from your experiences have helped to relieve the depression from a better inner-understanding or outer?
Good question...the experience varies....and it seems it follows the Rolling Stone’s song “you can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need.”
(paraphrasing RS fans!)
The first time I took a smallish amount and it actually made me present for at least 6 hours...fully present.
Visuals were there too, but not as much as times to come after.
It was uncomfortable AF to be honest.
If not for the redeeming feeling of connection that comes along with it...it would have been the last time as well as the first.
But...and here is the thing...remember how I said I couldn’t meditate at that time for longer than 15 mins at a time due to the severe anxiety?
All of the sudden I could go 45 mins...an hour...two hours!
I could meditate all day long if I didn’t have shit to do and a body to nourish (shower and things so I don’t smell like hot garbage).
As an effect of that effect, the ability to properly meditate and become present to a point of losing myself into the flow of everythingness helped me immensely with the depression/anxiety/chronic pain...but there was also a reordering of my perspective that was immediate.
I’ve often described where I was as being stuck in the skip of a record...and every time the needle goes around, the groove gets a tiny bit deeper...eventually you cannot move the needle yourself...eventually, you lose sight of the next song, even the next verse.
This figuratively bumped my record needle and allowed me to get out of the negative mental loop that I was trapped in.
The subsequent times that followed gave me very different impressions...I think the second time when I took more, is when I really felt a connection to it all...to the universe...to pure love and joy...you cannot help yourself but to break down into tears it is so overwhelmingly powerful and beautiful and your mind feels like anything is possible...and indeed you can make visuals change sometimes on command...I did some energy healing on my poor dog when he had his bone cancer and you could visually see the tumor shrink and he snapped his head up and yelped even though I wasn’t touching him one bit (I was under the influence but it was almost worn off so maybe, maybe not?).
IMHO, it removes the filters the brain runs reality through - actual reality - where you CAN see, and feel, that everything is indeed connected...that consciousness isn’t just a product of the physical brain, but it goes beyond that and this gives you a sense of understanding that to a point that you really lose any fear that there won’t be something after death.
I believe there is...but I am also okay with just fading out too.
It’s as if your whole mind can talk to itself (which is what is happening), and this is a strange sensation (frame of mind) one could almost say it’s a controlled psychosis minus the negative.
And yes, there is such a thing as a “bad trip”, but not anything that cannot be changed while it is occurring.
It’s having an understanding (both you and your babysitter) of what to do when your mind wants to go to somewhere that may be frightening, maybe uncomfortable, maybe something you don’t want to face - this though, will actually give you a space to move beyond these issues should you want to face them...it gives you some power to do that while being slightly disconnected from the intense negative emotions.
It is very rare in any case to have a bad trip, especially with mushrooms...more with LSD and other substances.
Anyhow...when you are severely depressed you are severely disconnected from everything...you are alone inside...utterly.
You could be being physically held and shown affection and it would not penetrate enough to take that feeling of loneliness away...I had resigned myself that this would always be my reality.
This bypasses those corrupt pathways in your brain and allows new pathways to form that are uncorrupted.
It gave me perspective...and that is what changed me.
I felt one with everything...do you have any idea how good that feels to someone who has felt alone and disconnected their entire life?
It was transformational.
It’s also something that people don’t have to take but once or twice a year...though it’s subjective.
I saw the most incredibly beautiful things!
I saw all the stars connected by a giant grid in the sky!
Amazing!
I also had a time or two sobbing in the dark....just purging the sadness from my core.
I was able to take this deep breath and feel the weight of it all slide off me - so wonderful of a feeling!
The ceiling in the bedroom opened up into a cathedral of morphing walls not unlike the incredibly intricate designs inside some mosques and I truly think it gives you more of a whole picture of reality - it’s just, so intense that our brains have to filter it down or we couldn’t function very well.
At least...that is my opinion.