"Want to Raise a Confident Child? Avoid These Labels"

[Gaze]

Interesting article. Agree or disagree? What's your personal opinion or experience with this?

[h=1]Want to Raise a Confident Child? Then Avoid These Common Labels[/h]By Parentables

Photo Courtesy: Flickr / Lars PlougmannIf you want to empower your kids to become a powerful, confident beings, then be careful with how you label them now. Without realizing it, most of us naturally label each child differently -- the smart one, the athletic one, the shy one -- and negative labels stick just as easily as the positive ones. Before I had my own kids, I taught hundreds of children and was always shocked to see how blatantly parents labeled their kids. I figured I would never do that.

Read More: 3 Ways to Foster Creative Thinkers

Boy, how the tables have turned! Now that I have 3 very different children of my own, I know first-hand how hard it is not to label my kids, and I bite my tongue daily to stop myself from comparing each of them to one another, which inadvertently points out weak traits. So personally, I turn to the same effective strategy that my parents used on my sisters and me:

Back in the 70's, my parents decided it would be fun to have 3 girls within 3 years. Needless to say, we got plenty of labels wherever we went. "Oh my, look at those girls," people would comment, then ask, "Is she the shy one? ..and oh that little one (yes -- that's me)... is she your handful?" Like a broken record, my mom and dad would always reply -- making sure we overheard -- with the same exact response, "All 3 of our girls are so good, so creative, and so smart. We are so lucky." They seriously tricked us - and it worked. My sisters and I naturally rose to their expectations of how lucky my parents thought they were. I'm sure that all three of us are strong, capable, confident women today because of this label we all got early on.

Read More: Birth Order Traits: How It May Affect Your Kids & Your Parenting

Let Your Kids Overhear Your Positive Talk
I learned as a child that overhearing my parents say how great I was to other people was way more powerful than receiving any praise from them directly. Somehow, it made it way more believable.

Erase This S-Word From Your Vocabulary
Pay extra close attention when you're describing your child with labels that can have the same effect in a negative way, such as the s-word -- "shy." When I was a teacher, parents would literally walk in on the first day of class and say, "Oh, she's very shy." And of course, the child would be clinging, head down, with super low confidence. Now of course some kids are naturally more reserved than others, but this label simply sticks kids in their shell and makes it a lot harder to crack.

Read More: The New Definition of Smart: How Does Your Child Measure Up?

Help Your Child Break the Ice in New Surroundings
Even if your child is uncomfortable with new people or new surroundings, give her the opportunity to come out of her shell by boosting her confidence by helping break the ice. When you go somewhere new, like a park, prompt her to talk with peers and other adult friends about specific things that you know are within her comfort zone -- such as siblings, pets, vacations, favorite toys or activities. Then reinforce it later that night by talking to your husband or friend, "Today at the park, she expressed herself so nicely!! She told her friend's mother all about our new dog. I'm so proud of how nicely she spoke to her."

Include Your Other Kids, Too
Now I struggle with how my two-year-old steals the limelight wherever we go. He's just at that adorable stage that makes strangers stop and say, "How cute!" I always have to make sure my older sons don't feel left out, by saying, "Yes, thank you. All three of my boys are so cute, smart, and all so good. We are so lucky!"

Now I'm like a broken record. Except I still wonder -- was I the handful?

Laura St. John is chief mamapreneur at Discovery Kids Puterbugs.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/want-raise-confident-child-then-avoid-common-labels-024300143.html

 

[barbad0s]

I completely agree with this article.

When I was a child, my parents decided that I was both really shy and really gifted. The shy part was partially true and faded away as time went on... I don't think this portion was a "self-fulfilling prophecy" kind of deal. But the part where I was being constantly told that I was smart worked against me in the long run, I think. All I did was work to get that form of positive affirmation from my parents, because they appeared to especially like it when I did smart things. They never cared to encourage me to diversify my skill set (I wish they had), so I didn't really feel like it was important to develop myself in other ways--socially, athletically, or otherwise, until I had gotten older. After a while, I started to believe that I was smarter than most people due to the "experiences" I had throughout my life in elementary school (yes I performed better than others in many areas but I think I mostly perceived it to be this way because I was brainwashed to believe so)(I was mostly just an arrogant nerd), therefore I could probably stop working hard. I had this "realization" right before I entered secondary school (that's middle and high school combined in Canada, which is how the system typically works here). Big mistake lol.

What are your thoughts on the article, @Genuine ?

 

[Gaze]

@niffer I had similar experiences.


I'll use my personal experience to explain, not to complain. Although my parents didn't label me "shy", I was labeled "antisocial" which did a number on my psyche from high school to college. Even as an adult, I have been labeled shy, meek, "nice", which for me spelled out "odd, lacked confidence, clueless", etc. Not positives. I was socially awkward when I was younger and was teased and bullied for it. It made me more self conscious, less self confident. I "felt" as if I stuck out like a sore thumb. I think labels from peers and teachers who stigmatize kids who were supposedly "different" made my experience worse. Life became too much about whether they liked me or liked who or how I was, too much about their acceptance. I was also told I was "smart" and did not know what it really meant. I've let go any belief that it meant anything except to benefit everyone, except me. I was expected to be proud of being "smart and intelligent" when it really didn't mean anything. It meant I impressed someone. Not that I benefitted from it.

So, labels can become self fulfilling prophecies. I believed what others said and internalized the perceptions which came with those labels, which lead to negative feelings and lower self confidence. Labels can create the feeling that they are true because someone authoritative or someone who has an influential role in a child's development uses it to describe them. They assume it must be true if parent or teacher or mentor said it. They don't question it. so, they grow up having a perception of themselves which is not true but yet acting out those beliefs or expectations in the way they live.

 

[Silas]

I remember growing up and being shoved into social situations and I really hated it and it only got worse the longer it went on. In school I was in gifted programs and was considered the most curious kid most of my teachers had ever had. My family constantly thought I was depressed due to my antisocial nature and I was labeled odd since most of my family is extroverted sensing and feeling types. So I had a lot of What Genuine had. Also over time I felt since I wasn't what my family wanted me to be, that I was not right as a person. So I faked it and never got to truly know myself until after high school. I am twenty now so the journey is still upon me. In a way I am grateful for it. Now that I am old enough and mature to be aware of how things hit me. I can now take note of how I am and become realized as an adult. It is kind of amazing seeing and experiencing myself revert to my natural state after so many years of being what others wanted me to be.

 

[inject]

Of course, we all need to have and raise our children's as confident as we can, despite the labels they got right from start by us and others. And for the purpose we need to always stand with them and encourage them in whatever they want in their living as positive. Try to have a friendly relation and better understanding. So, that they could openly discuss anything with you they want and need to go well in their lives.

 

[Sriracha]

I don't necessarily call these things labels. People who may be caring for a child might not know or understand their temperament. I think for the most part (and I hope) parents are doing this not to be insulting, but more on a fact sharing basis. If the child hates the label and won't voice their opinion, it often becomes a motivator for him/her to challenge it and prove others wrong.

 

[jimtaylor]

Wow, yeah when I was growing up, getting a compliment from my parents and step-parents was like pulling teeth. I mean this mom sounds like awesome just for that fact that she even cares enough to think how her actions may be impacting her children. My sibilings and I where always more concerned about not getting chewed out for doing something wrong versus doing anything right. I can tell you a hundred ways how not to clean a house, or make a bed, or fold clothes, or put away dishes but would struggle in telling you one thing they liked in each of us.

 

[the]

For the most part this seems like an obvious common sense approach to raising kids - be a normal, functioning human parent.

I dont think being labeled as shy is such a bad thing and I dont get why it keeps coming up in the forum. Its just an observation, you are what you do. I was shy as a kid and now I am not, and I think it is funny to give excuses for my behavior by saying "I cant help it Im shy." I just picture people on the forum sitting at home freaking out "OH MAN MY PARENTS CALLED ME SHY HOW CAN I FUNCTION?!!?!?"