[INFJ] Society and Socialising

SilverSkies

SilverSkies

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
9
Hi all, I'm fairly new to this forum, but I think like a lot of you, have found a lot of answers in four letters. It seems there is not as many forums or articles on any other MBTI than ours, quite possibly because we feel so misunderstood and different.
I'm wondering how you all approach society, socialising and I guess the world in general. In a few weeks I will turn 32 (which makes me a Cancer star sign, altho 2 hours earlier Id be Gemini, sorry to digress) I do believe more than somewhat in astrology, so for me this is a double whammy in terms of emotions. My Enneagram is 4w5 from memory.

I struggle with what I see out there, it always seems everyone else is having a much more interesting, exciting and sociable life. I know this isnt always true, and that social media shows us what "they" want us to see. But I do feel like my introverted, introspective tendancies are leading me to miss out on life. Sometimes I want to chuck everything in and go work with animals in Africa for a couple of months. But I'm not one of these people that make friends easily, and the idea of sharing a room with 3 others, well it would do my head in.

My life is great from anyone's standards. I have a large house that I share with my amazing partner (tho my depression and analysing leads me to wonder if he is the right one for me, if someone else would give me what I want/need in life). I have only left my home town (Hamilton, New Zealand) twice to live elsewhere for a year at a time. I have travelled quite a bit. I don't have many friends, but I do have "individual" friends, ie those that I hang out with one at a time, that don't know eachother. I have never been a bridesmaid and I probably never will be. My old group from my early 20s is still vaguely intact but most are raising their families and I don't have much in common now that the drunken craze of youth is in the past. I used that craze to be a huge party girl, as long as I had a few drinks the conversation would flow and I would get on with everyone. Inevitably my drinking got bad, but these days are behind me now.
It seems most people my age that I know are living in a big city, having amazing experiences, or the others are home raising a family. I have never been maternal, and don't really care about marriage.

I guess my question is, does this sound familiar? I know that if I up and left to a big city, I probably wouldn't make a lot of friends and have an awesome time, because this requires socialising which I am not inept at, but I don't want to be doing it all the time. In fact I will often be the life of the conversation, but after the night is over, nah I cant really be assed meeting you for lunch sorry. I know I am very different, but still I constantly compare. I know that my life is absolutely fine for the most part, but I can't help but feel that I'm missing out because of who I am. You can't change who you are right, so why do I have such a hard time accepting myself? I try not to use facebook as it leaves me feeling miserable. I can't remember the last time I was tagged in someone's photo. I know at 32 I shouldn't give a rat's, I'm quite immature like this. I wouldn't use social media, but if I deleted it then I really would be isolating myself.

I would love to hear your ideas, and thanks for reading this :)
 
Last edited:
I have had a similar history. I went to college in a large city. I don't particularly like cities. I was able to find work after college in more remote areas. I was successful at living where I would rather be. Remote near ranches and skiing in winter. But it isolated myself from meeting lots of people. I've traveled a good part of the world, but almost always alone. I have a few close friends, but don't have large groups of friends. (I hate facebook.) Relationships have always not worked out for me. It confused me for most of my life. Why didn't they work out? Why did I have doubts about myself and relationships I was in. I only found out about MBTI a couple of years ago. I feel like it is giving me a new start. I now understand more clearly about myself and relationships. I'm learning what might be a health personality for me and what personalities I'm attracted to, but might not be the best for me. I use to have mild depression. It has mostly gone away since learning about MBTI. I'm still not quite sure about my next steps, but I am looking to see what kind of personalities might be the most compatible for me. I am INTP. Reading MBTI personalities it suggests INFJ might be a good match. I have one male friend that I get along with well. I know he is an ENFJ. So I am seeing some hope that meeting INFJ women might be a good start.
 
Hi Tony, thanks for your reply. I lived in a beautiful big city for a year, I didn't really like it because the beauty was spoiled by tonnes of people every where, and everything was such a time consuming mission! I do feel it would be different if I had a good few friends and/or partner living there with me.
Apparently INFJs have the highest degree of relationship dissatisfaction, and I'm not sure that I would disagree! I always would seem to "go off" people, which I find is crazy as surely I'm the boring one!?
My current partner of 3.5 years is an ISTP, so he doesn't really get my emotional side, and we can't have deep discussions on the meanings of life. I love all things spiritual, although I've tried to meditate etc and failed miserable. Its more about what I believe in, where as he, being an S I suppose doesn't really believe much in anything. There is a lot he puts up with tho, and I'm eternally grateful. He is always reasonable and rational when I get into one of my depressive states. He is always rock steady, never wavering much in emotion and I've never seen him cry.
They say INFJs can get on well with most relationship wise, except for one caveat: Ss. Once again, I don't entirely disagree, even tho my partner is an S. My mother who is also my best friend is an ESTP (I only know this because I've asked them to do the tests, no one else seems to really give a toss tho haha), so the opposite of me! Last year the two of us went to visit my brother and his partner in Europe. They couldn't understand my need to take time alone and I could tell they were quite hurt by it. Some things you just can't explain and you always end up the villain :( I found their toddler a bit full on too tho!
I think as an INTP you would get on great with INFJs, the I/E thing is quite important, my partner and I enjoy cozy weekends at home, but I do love going out, as long as I can have a few drinks, or else I find it really hard to get into it. I get a bit anxious if I'm with someone who's always coming and going, and I don't like people stopping in unexpectedly (unless Im wearing decent clothes, makeup and the house isnt a bomb site, then its fine!). So what do you think it is about yourself that struggles in relationships (apart from being around one person, all the time that is! ;) In terms of dating INFJ women, well as I'm sure you are aware there are a lot less of us, but theres loads on the internet it seems, trying to figure it all out!
I do see myself as a lone wolf, but this wolf is looking wistfully at the pack :(
 
Most of this has been a complete mystery to me until I starting researching MBTI. Growing up, I had an uncanny ability to connect with women. Usually older women. But there were others that I could not connect with. I now think it is mostly related to the *S** vs *N**. I think my mom was an ESFJ. I had a lot of difficulties connecting with my mom. My stepfather is (I believe) an *S**. He is a very kind and friendly person, but we could not connect.

I can get into extreme and deep discussions. I come from a science background, so I am highly skeptical of a lot of spiritual ideas. But I still investigate ideas and like talking about them. As an INTP I can see patterns easily and build abstract ideas on patterns. I can remember always wanting to talk about this stuff with friends for example, but I could also drive my friends nuts sometimes. I think mostly S types. I knew a woman in college. I'm pretty sure she was an ENTP. We clicked mentally almost instantly. But the ENTP is not very compatible with an INTP if there isn't some compromise. I have to be careful about being around ENTPs or I can sucked into their charm.

I am looking into INFJs because it is recommended from what I have been reading. And my experience, I think I have known some INFJs that I got along with well. But they are of hardest to find.
 
As a young ESTP lady who has travelled the world, gone through years of anxiety and depression, gone through hell and back, done it all and had my cake and eaten it as well, studied psychology, and observed many INFJs and have been observing people and societies all over the world all these years....


All I can say is that no matter where you are at in life or what age you are at, you deserve to be happy. You are supposed to chase your dreams and to secure your own happiness and the happiness of your immediate loved ones first and foremost. If you don't do that, depression is the inevitable result. There is no other drug-free fix to this. Heed my words.
 
INTonyP said:
Most of this has been a complete mystery to me until I starting researching MBTI. Growing up, I had an uncanny ability to connect with women. Usually older women. But there were others that I could not connect with. I now think it is mostly related to the *S** vs *N**. I think my mom was an ESFJ. I had a lot of difficulties connecting with my mom. My stepfather is (I believe) an *S**. He is a very kind and friendly person, but we could not connect.

I can get into extreme and deep discussions. I come from a science background, so I am highly skeptical of a lot of spiritual ideas. But I still investigate ideas and like talking about them. As an INTP I can see patterns easily and build abstract ideas on patterns. I can remember always wanting to talk about this stuff with friends for example, but I could also drive my friends nuts sometimes. I think mostly S types. I knew a woman in college. I'm pretty sure she was an ENTP. We clicked mentally almost instantly. But the ENTP is not very compatible with an INTP if there isn't some compromise. I have to be careful about being around ENTPs or I can sucked into their charm.

I am looking into INFJs because it is recommended from what I have been reading. And my experience, I think I have known some INFJs that I got along with well. But they are of hardest to find.
Click to expand...

If you're interested in MBTI, consider checking out Socionics. This is a more up to date look into MBTI which takes into account the fact that personality traits are relative within society.

I am an Se dominant type, but I am a very, very deep and thoughtful person. Every INTP and INxx type I've ever known has acknowledged this. I am the deepest and most intellectually creative person that some have ever met, according to what I've been told. However, I have never self-tested as an "S" when taking MBTI tests online. The MBTI system is a little shaky for reasons such as this.
 
im 32 and i do empathise but things are a lot easier for me, both because i am so introverted, and also because my life has been filled with a great variety of many different incidents that have collectively taught me to crave the quiet life. i am also lucky to have some high quality relationships that provide me with the different things that i really need from relationships in life.
welcome to the forum, and happy birthday for a few weeks time, i hope you have a lovely day and many happy returns :party:
 
niffer said:
If you're interested in MBTI, consider checking out Socionics. This is a more up to date look into MBTI which takes into account the fact that personality traits are relative within society.

I am an Se dominant type, but I am a very, very deep and thoughtful person. Every INTP and INxx type I've ever known has acknowledged this. I am the deepest and most intellectually creative person that some have ever met, according to what I've been told. However, I have never self-tested as an "S" when taking MBTI tests online. The MBTI system is a little shaky for reasons such as this.
Click to expand...

Yes, I need to look in to Socionics and Enneagram too.
 
I used to feel this way. My life was mostly entrenched with anxiety and it prevented me from seeking out different risks and opportunities. I preferred to stay safe and closed in. I often would find myself looking back at my teens and 20's thinking that I'd somehow missed out on a different life at that time. However, I love where my life is now. Like you I have a few individual friends, I have an excellent relationship, I have a career and yet sometimes feel that I am missing out on something greater. I think that's because I am not actively involved in my passions and haven't made enough room in my life for "me" so to speak. Getting into my 30's a lot of the sort of "ideals" of being 20 have washed away and I am having to analyse myself and my life and really choose how it is that I want to live.

I have moved quite a lot and have lived in downtown big cities and have also lived out in the country. What I enjoy is having a balance. I live in a smaller city but have access to one of the biggest cities in my country. I live alone, I do my job, I socialize at need, I foster my relationship and now am working on pursuing the life I want outside of work. It is kind of scary having the feeling that I haven't done enough or I haven't had the experiences that others have had, but that's because that's them and this is me. I don't have regrets about who I am or where I am. I think I am happier and more satisfied than most people that I know even if on the surface they "seem" like they have all the qualifiers for a happy life.

All I can say is stop wasting your time thinking about whether or not other people's lives are a reflection of what yours isn't. Of course your life isn't the same because you are you. Every choice you have actively made has lead you to this point and there's nothing you can do about it except continue to choose the best for yourself and who you are on a fundamental level. You can live according to your whims but just know that the novelty can wear off if you are just pursuing it for the sake of it and without purpose or drive.
 
SilverSkies said:
I struggle with what I see out there, it always seems everyone else is having a much more interesting, exciting and sociable life. I know this isnt always true, and that social media shows us what "they" want us to see. But I do feel like my introverted, introspective tendancies are leading me to miss out on life. Sometimes I want to chuck everything in and go work with animals in Africa for a couple of months. But I'm not one of these people that make friends easily, and the idea of sharing a room with 3 others, well it would do my head in.
Click to expand...
Fuck social media. I personally feel as though it offers very little in terms of real social interaction, which for me should be on a much deeper level than liking something on someone's page. 20 years from now no one is going to care how many facebook friends of twitter followers you had anyway. I've never bothered with having an account with either site and honestly from what I've seen from people I know who have it, it's saved me a lot of unnecessary drama.

As difficult as it is the only advice I can really give about making friends is to tell you that at some point if you want it bad enough you're going to have to push yourself to make friends. I personally know this to be true because I have an extremely difficult time making friends. I'm shy, I'm socially awkward, I may have either social anxiety or aspergers or both, I'm nerdy, I don't bother with aspects of culture that I find to be "superficial" to me, I have a dark sense of humor that scares the life out of people and sometimes literally, and I don't trust people with myself easily whatsoever. So most of my life I've found myself with few or no friends. It wasn't untilI was 19 when my boyfriend at the time (who was an ENFP) encouraged me to go with him when he was visiting the dojo in my town. I didn't fall in love with martial arts stuff at first, but I kept going to classes. But that's where I met most of the people that I call my friends now, including my current boyfriend (INTP). I've found friends that are interested in the same things that I am like Doctor Who and Stabby things :m179:. But I just needed that extra push to even get out there and socialize to begin with.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top