Relationship dynamics

[Gaze]

So, how would you describe the relationship dynamics with current SOs or exes? How do you relate to each other? Did each of you take on specific roles in the relationship or fill different needs? Was their more defensive, supportive, or neutral communication? How do you address problems or issues as a couple vs. as individuals? How do you respond to each other's feelings or opinions? How did you handle conflict, disagreements, arguments, or fights?

 

[Rferraris]

So, how would you describe the relationship dynamics with current SOs or exes?

Oh, this should be easy. Lol.

How do you relate to each other? Did each of you take on specific roles in the relationship or fill different needs?

I married my wife; this is our 20th year.
I kinda went through hell with the girls I dated, went with, etc before her.

I kinda found and hung out with the most troubled people. Some I know have died. The other I just suspect cause there's no sign of them. But they aren't likely FaceBook people, so who knows.

I was young and tried to make meaningful relationships with girl friends and friends. Kinda strange thinking about it looking back. I didn't really know people that would make good friends. But they were who I got stuck with and not much family life to turn to so I relied on what I had.

So when I met my wife I kinda wanted someone that was a little more stable. Came from a good family. And even though her dad took off when she was about ten, she had a good mom and all her cousins and uncles right next door.

So I always felt she saved me in that she gave me stability. I got sent away at 18 and it was a rough couple years. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back I'm sure I'd be dead without her.


When I met her, she had a hard time articulating her thoughts. Really wasn't well educated, but she's brilliant. She liked that I could talk, communicate; I seemed to have a world of words to throw around and even knew what they meant. I reframed from embarrassing her, but she only encouraged me. With great leaps of courage she would learn and use words she just heard for the first time and owned them like they were her own. But I guess I listened to her and encouraged her, or at least expected a lot of her, from her. I think she was dismissed and not used to anyone paying attention. So I think that's what she needed and found from me. So maybe I helped save her back.

Was their more defensive, supportive, or neutral communication?

It's never been anything but supportive. I love her. I respect her. I've had issues I've had to learn to understand and accept. But we are friends and she hasn't really ever made me feel judged.
I've just been places some people might not want any part of. Funny, but I doubt anyone would believe those things about me. I'm about as square as they get I think. Somehow sorta successful with a bunch of degrees. Not bad for a guy that have up after high school.

We didn't start off communicating well. What I mean is us talk, she'd listen and most of the time was just being polite.
Today she's a doctor and processes so fast I'm just left behind. Kinda waiting for her to get bored with me. But we seem to love each other and all any of us have is today. I've lived through times when I didn't know if I'd make the next moment so I never take things for granted.

How do you address problems or issues as a couple vs. as individuals?

When I can get her attention we are a couple. She usually thinks I'm making more of something than I need to. Sometimes she's right. But usually it's a good thing I over think stuff. Basically we are a couple. But id say we take on roles. I'm definitely the guy. She's the female. And I do want ever she wants. To a point.

How do you respond to each other's feelings or opinions?

I respond to her every word. She always has my complete attention. She's a little ADD and is usually between 6 or 5 things. If I get annoyed, she will stop and wind up somewhere between listening and fully engaged. Usually, just trying to keep me calm.

How did you handle conflict, disagreements, arguments, or fights?

Over the years we've had intense fights or arguments. We get into it once in a while, but wind laughing cause we can't stay mad.

 

[gasman]

The ex and I were in a commited relationship for four years, the first two and a half years were magical, fights were generally solved through calm conversations and the time we shared was enjoyable and passionate. All started going downhill after i cheated on her numerous times in the first year university, while we were trying out the distance game. she still wanted to keep trying to make us work from this point, although I knew it would never really be the same. after this there was a one and a half year depletion in the realtionship, where both of us endlessly cheated while living together. prones to fights over anything with it ending in her crying or me escaping to the peace and quiet of my man cave.

i learned a shit tonne about relationships and how easily good things can slip out of ones grasp. long rewarding rewarding relationships teach you mostly about yourself and how to better treat the opposite the sex in future.

choose your fights well, and one thing i learned is stubborness is not ideal.

we still talk on rare occasions now and i dont hold anything against her whatsoever. just be true to yourself and take as much care of your other as you possibly can. and if it falls apart, make sure you can look back at the relationship as a whole and say it was worth it.

 

[Sriracha]

So, how would you describe the relationship dynamics with current SOs or exes?

We're very much in the family/teamwork mode. Most everything we do centers around the kids. Our humor is much like that of a brother and sister. He enjoys laughing at me when I'm being stupid, and I enjoy scaring the living shyt out of him when he least expects it. I have to say it was nice getting away to my reunion without the kids. For a short while he got to see me like it was before we married ... with no care in the world. I miss that part of me, and he now realizes that ... so he is supportive of me taking a few days to go away from family life to be with friends.

How do you relate to each other?

I'm not sure if we do to be honest. We've learned to respect and embrace our different perspectives (or more that HE has learned to embrace mine lol.) We are VERY opposite in personality. At present it's a very positive thing. It's a never-ending learning process.

Did each of you take on specific roles in the relationship or fill different needs?

Yes. Me pretty much pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen. He as the breadwinner. Though I turned his world upside down a few years ago when I told him I was done with that role. lol It's been an adjustment, but we've made great strides and I'm much happier. With his job, it is nearly impossible for me to work and manage the home. Our kids are our 1st priority.

Was their more defensive, supportive, or neutral communication?

Supportive.

How do you address problems or issues as a couple vs. as individuals? How do you respond to each other's feelings or opinions? How did you handle conflict, disagreements, arguments, or fights?

Rarely do we ever raise our voices to each other. I mean RARELY. We communicate to solve problems, not exaggerate them. It is no different in couple vs. individual. We're both problem-solvers. We validate each other's feelings. He has had to learn that there does not have to be logic associated with feeling. It is valid b/c it exists. I will not sweep my feelings under the rug ever again, and he knows it.

 

[EyeTrance]

I just got introduced to a pretty neat site. It has a lot of psychology that talks about relationship dynamics using psychology derived from Enneagram Instincts.

http://www.projectevolove.com/education/1/general-concepts --> one of the 6 Instinct stackings (eg. Sexual-Social) --> In Relationships