Background.
I first met her 23 years ago, while working at summer camp that was out of state for both of us. We became fast friends. I'm the male INFJ, she's the female ENTP. I could follow the 90 mile an hour conversation changes that ramped up my energy and then somehow get her to sit still for just a moment to notice some thing in nature. That was my first experience with what I have heard called the "INFJ grounding effect".
Summers end, people go back to college. And so it happened. I was invited to visit her dorm room on the way back (she had to leave a few days early for college athlete stuff). I went, but with all the hustle and bustle of a dorm being moved into, there wasn't time to talk really. I ended up leaving the hat she had a habit of stealing off of my head in one of the boxes for her to find and thought I'd never hear from her again.
16 later, I'm found on FB. She's very unhappily married and thinking about me. We were each other's firsts. My own integrity wouldn't let me cross lines, and he spouse assumed that since she was friends with her first after all this time.....things were going on that were not going on. I was an ear and a shoulder and a friend. From my end anyway. I can't speak for her end and intentions. I walked away out of respect for her, her family, and her kids. Not a door slam, just an "I can't be part of destroying your life an family in any way."
Two weeks ago she hunts me down again. "Hey you, what's up?" Like that. First question I asked is was it safe to talk to her again because I wasn't going to cause trouble at home. No longer married, single for over two years. We talked for hours that night.
I knew her so well then, and I'm the INFJ that becomes much more E around people I trust and connect with. This resulted in a bunch of rambling from me when asked what in retrospect was rather simple questions. Through her own.....unprompted....admission, she still thought and felt the same things. And I admitted the same.
A few minutes later, seemingly at random (but I have been trying to research and read and I can certainly see it's not so random) I got the geographical distance statements, the it's been so long, the what if you are disappointed now since I'm not 20....etc etc. I'm not sure if those were supposed to be "prove me wrong" moments or not. I told her I was very excited to have her back in my life in some way....whether that was friend, goofy big brother, or whatever.
Those first 3 days (kids with the ex) we talked almost constantly. I'm doing my best to follow her lead.....which for those of you who ever had an ENTP firmly in your life you know can be a rollercoaster of what seems like obvious flirting one second and then doubting themselves. But if I'm asked a direct personal question from someone I know and trust really well.....chances are they are getting an honest answer. And if they ask further questions on the topic and seem to be set on knowing something....ok...here you go.....brain dump.
A reunion trip was planned. It's next weekend by the way. Massive excitement and throwing around all the ideas. My brain was having trouble figuring out if I was being asked as the friend/brother or what and asked. Silence. Then more of the distance argument, self doubt, what if you are dissapointed, etc etc. And she asked if we really needed to have a conversation about it? I caught the "We can if you insist but I really don't want to and am not comfortable with that" undertone. So I reiterate the friend/brother/whatever...happy you are back in my life. Chat fizzles out.
I seem to have a knack for telling a funny story, and the next was asked to tell her a story. So I picked what I thought was a goofy and light-hearted one and chocked it full of every hilarious detail I could remember. It was well received. That night, she has a few beers and tells me a few things flat out that after the day or two before were a bit surprizing. And asks me whether or not I'd be ok with any or all of that happening on the trip. And states that a couple of beers removes all inhibitions. Again, direct question honest answer. I had no issue with any of those ideas but said she had to bring her own beer. So it's her idea 100% and not mine. A few subject changes at random and back to the what if I dissapoint....not 20.....can't promise you happily ever after...distance.....her brain dump of overpowering thoughts and feelings I suppose. Not thinking she is ever good enough despite being actually quite amazing. My answers didn't change.
We still chat daily for a bit and the trip is still on......but she then randomly tells me if she appears to ghost or gets really quiet......it's not about me in any way and just be persistent. Luckily that's a strong suit of mine.
She is having a really rough week. I know what worked 23 years ago and 16 years ago. But people grow and change. I asked how can I be the best friend to her possible right now? Or.....as it has been in the past, is the answer to just be there. A very quick "Yes." Followed by "I try not to need jack from anyone" and "I really don't have a lot of friends". That rings true across all this time for sure.
I can't quite tell if I am losing my mind, being messed with, or completely botching everything.
-an INFJ thoroughly confused by both sides of this
I first met her 23 years ago, while working at summer camp that was out of state for both of us. We became fast friends. I'm the male INFJ, she's the female ENTP. I could follow the 90 mile an hour conversation changes that ramped up my energy and then somehow get her to sit still for just a moment to notice some thing in nature. That was my first experience with what I have heard called the "INFJ grounding effect".
Summers end, people go back to college. And so it happened. I was invited to visit her dorm room on the way back (she had to leave a few days early for college athlete stuff). I went, but with all the hustle and bustle of a dorm being moved into, there wasn't time to talk really. I ended up leaving the hat she had a habit of stealing off of my head in one of the boxes for her to find and thought I'd never hear from her again.
16 later, I'm found on FB. She's very unhappily married and thinking about me. We were each other's firsts. My own integrity wouldn't let me cross lines, and he spouse assumed that since she was friends with her first after all this time.....things were going on that were not going on. I was an ear and a shoulder and a friend. From my end anyway. I can't speak for her end and intentions. I walked away out of respect for her, her family, and her kids. Not a door slam, just an "I can't be part of destroying your life an family in any way."
Two weeks ago she hunts me down again. "Hey you, what's up?" Like that. First question I asked is was it safe to talk to her again because I wasn't going to cause trouble at home. No longer married, single for over two years. We talked for hours that night.
I knew her so well then, and I'm the INFJ that becomes much more E around people I trust and connect with. This resulted in a bunch of rambling from me when asked what in retrospect was rather simple questions. Through her own.....unprompted....admission, she still thought and felt the same things. And I admitted the same.
A few minutes later, seemingly at random (but I have been trying to research and read and I can certainly see it's not so random) I got the geographical distance statements, the it's been so long, the what if you are disappointed now since I'm not 20....etc etc. I'm not sure if those were supposed to be "prove me wrong" moments or not. I told her I was very excited to have her back in my life in some way....whether that was friend, goofy big brother, or whatever.
Those first 3 days (kids with the ex) we talked almost constantly. I'm doing my best to follow her lead.....which for those of you who ever had an ENTP firmly in your life you know can be a rollercoaster of what seems like obvious flirting one second and then doubting themselves. But if I'm asked a direct personal question from someone I know and trust really well.....chances are they are getting an honest answer. And if they ask further questions on the topic and seem to be set on knowing something....ok...here you go.....brain dump.
A reunion trip was planned. It's next weekend by the way. Massive excitement and throwing around all the ideas. My brain was having trouble figuring out if I was being asked as the friend/brother or what and asked. Silence. Then more of the distance argument, self doubt, what if you are dissapointed, etc etc. And she asked if we really needed to have a conversation about it? I caught the "We can if you insist but I really don't want to and am not comfortable with that" undertone. So I reiterate the friend/brother/whatever...happy you are back in my life. Chat fizzles out.
I seem to have a knack for telling a funny story, and the next was asked to tell her a story. So I picked what I thought was a goofy and light-hearted one and chocked it full of every hilarious detail I could remember. It was well received. That night, she has a few beers and tells me a few things flat out that after the day or two before were a bit surprizing. And asks me whether or not I'd be ok with any or all of that happening on the trip. And states that a couple of beers removes all inhibitions. Again, direct question honest answer. I had no issue with any of those ideas but said she had to bring her own beer. So it's her idea 100% and not mine. A few subject changes at random and back to the what if I dissapoint....not 20.....can't promise you happily ever after...distance.....her brain dump of overpowering thoughts and feelings I suppose. Not thinking she is ever good enough despite being actually quite amazing. My answers didn't change.
We still chat daily for a bit and the trip is still on......but she then randomly tells me if she appears to ghost or gets really quiet......it's not about me in any way and just be persistent. Luckily that's a strong suit of mine.
She is having a really rough week. I know what worked 23 years ago and 16 years ago. But people grow and change. I asked how can I be the best friend to her possible right now? Or.....as it has been in the past, is the answer to just be there. A very quick "Yes." Followed by "I try not to need jack from anyone" and "I really don't have a lot of friends". That rings true across all this time for sure.
I can't quite tell if I am losing my mind, being messed with, or completely botching everything.
-an INFJ thoroughly confused by both sides of this
