INFJ and INFJ

[Dianne]

Me and my roommate, a close friend, are both INFJs.

Theoretically, we click. We're perfect for each other. How we approach things are very similar to the point that sometimes it scares me, as if she's reading my mind and the other way around. But recently, we had some clashes. The recent one is on talking about personal stuff.

I am the "social type" of INFJ that talks to people so much online. I am an open book. I rant when I'm angry. Keyboard smashing has been a habit when I'm ecstatic. Basically, the opposite of what I really am if you meet me personally lol. But my roommate seemed to take one of my conversation with another friend online on a negative note.

Person A = friend I talked to online
Person B = my roommate

So this is how it went:

Person A: Where are you going to buy your concert tickets?
Me: (names a specific place far from my home)
Person A: Why there? It's too far!
Me: I'm going with (names another friend, not Person B). She lives there and we'll buy it together.
Person A: Where's Person B?
Me: She's not going to the concert.
Person A: Why?
Me: I'm not the one who can answer your questions

So my roommate talked to Person A and found out from her that I told Person A that she's not going. Minutes after, she posted something that she did not even know that this, her not attending to the concert, is a topic for gossip when she is just minding her own business. And she inserted her drawing of a person with flaming eyes. If that does not mean she's furious, I don't know what is.

As an INFJ, I don't find my conversation with Person A as gossiping. I simply answered her question why my roommate is not with me to buy the tickets. Her, on the other hand, an INFJ too, thinks it is indeed gossiping.

I want to know what other INFJs think about this. I have read accounts that meeting an INFJ is very rare and her company, our friendship, is actually something I would really like to keep. But sometimes, I can't seem to understand her. Is it because we're too alike? I don't even know anymore.

 

[MrSquared]

Sounds to me like you both value different things in terms of communication. Or it could just be a matter of preference since you placed a high emphasis on not misspeaking on behalf of your friend (person B). And looking at the situation objectively, I have no clue what process she would prefer in such a situation. You should ask her sometime (when you're on good terms and the timing seems right) how she would prefer that you handle such a situation (so as not to disappoint moving forward).

Best of luck.

 

[Bellosome]

why would you even buy the tickets together if Person B isn't going?

anyway, you didn't gossip. you just answered the question but still told Person A objectively. You even told her it isn't your place to answer. Maybe your friend is going through something internally and a bit sensitive this time. Try giving her time and then then talk to her. i hope it goes well. good luck.:sighhug:

 

[Dianne]

Sounds to me like you both value different things in terms of communication. Or it could just be a matter of preference since you placed a high emphasis on not misspeaking on behalf of your friend (person B). And looking at the situation objectively, I have no clue what process she would prefer in such a situation. You should ask her sometime (when you're on good terms and the timing seems right) how she would prefer that you handle such a situation (so as not to disappoint moving forward).

Best of luck.

Thank you for the insights. I was actually thinking the same thing, that our preferences are just on different sides of the spectrum. The problem with us is we're both INFJs. We will never talk this out UNLESS someone steps up (aka confrontation yikes) which, as you know, is something VERY challenging for us to do. Oh the woes of an INFJ.

We are still not in good terms due to some misunderstandings prior to this. My psychologist told me to let the issue sit first because we're still emotionally overwhelmed. But things just seem to worsen as days pass. I am also hoping for those days when we're on good terms. God I miss her.

 

[Dianne]

why would you even buy the tickets together if Person B isn't going?

anyway, you didn't gossip. you just answered the question but still told Person A objectively. You even told her it isn't your place to answer. Maybe your friend is going through something internally and a bit sensitive this time. Try giving her time and then then talk to her. i hope it goes well. good luck.:sighhug:

Thank you for the advice! We already had misunderstandings prior to this and things are not going well as I am giving her more time for those. I am actually sensing an FO already with our previous clashes and here is another one I'm hoping I can talk to her again and clear things up soon.

 

[Bellosome]

Thank you for the advice! We already had misunderstandings prior to this and things are not going well as I am giving her more time for those. I am actually sensing an FO already with our previous clashes and here is another one I'm hoping I can talk to her again and clear things up soon.

oh i see. well, maybe she hasn't really gotten over yet from those previous misunderstandings. have you tried writing her a letter? if you cant be confrontational just to make her see your side of things? like, pour your heart out, everything from start to finish then maybe she would understand your side too. i hope there wont be an FO i'm sure she just needed some time to breathe. try to be patient too.

 

[Dianne]

oh i see. well, maybe she hasn't really gotten over yet from those previous misunderstandings. have you tried writing her a letter? if you cant be confrontational just to make her see your side of things? like, pour your heart out, everything from start to finish then maybe she would understand your side too. i hope there wont be an FO i'm sure she just needed some time to breathe. try to be patient too.

Writing a letter is a great idea! While reading forums, talking to people, I've come to realize my shortcomings. I should have noticed her burnout earlier. I should have not been irritable on the smallest things. My mental state isn't good as of the moment (I just found out I'm going through hypomanic episodes and I might be bipolar; thus, being extra irritable.) If I were just healthier, I might have noticed them earlier and wouldn't be swimming in mud right now. I am afraid she already has premature misconceptions about me but I will try to write that letter.

Meeting an INFJ and being close to one is like seeing a meteor shower that comes once in decades. It's not an overstatement to say it's a match made by the heavens lol. I really want to keep what we have. I hope she changes her mind and would hear me out

 

[highlighter]

sounds to me like she has been keeping score, in some regard. we know that infjs do this alot its never one thing that closes the door its alot of stuff and one final little thing.

I think you should frame the convo in a logical sense, i think if there is one benefit of me having NT friends is that there logic can seriously chill out my emotions and have a logical talk about what is there. INFJs that are developed can have some serious logic skills. and this is where the conflict resolution can occur.

more time is not the answer, a few days sure, but once you get past that, its just time on top of flames of resentment

 

[t5juyt]

The longer this goes unaddressed, the more it festers. I understand our INFJ difficulty with confrontation. It took me over 50 years to be able to confront. Making compassion the number one priority with a desire to see both sides of whatever conflict has helped me to build that bridge and make that overture. Going in with the intention of either 1) caving in for the sake of peace (Fe, auxiliary overuse) or 2) establishing how wrong she is and/or how right you are (Fi, a shadow function) is not the solution either. Keep the goal in mind: reconciliation. Go in prepared to listen without interrupting. If you're worried about losing your train of thought, take a pen and paper to jot down keywords as you're listening to her. If she asks what you're doing, tell her you want to come back to something rather than interrupt her.

Best wishes!