[INFJ] I created a pseudo self and now I'm trapped in a fantasy world

missbee

missbee

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MBTI
INFJ
I have a fake self a pseudo self or what people usually call an ego. The thing is ho on earth do I step away from this thing?! I know I made it. But She (my ego) has destroyed my life. I was fooled for so long believing my ego was me. The illusion is so damn strong. I feel like disconnecting with it will make the ego come after me and destroy the new real life I crave. My ego is a beautiful celebrity singer she also saves everybody from something gone wrong. My perfect ideal version of me. But not real me.

When I was 14 I felt alone so made her in my head as an escape to help me to sleep and also keep me entertained when I was bored. It was great. I don't know what happened but as I got older, it got so big and unfriendly I started to fight and repress it by using hateful words towards myself. It then gradually fused with the real me and took over my mind.

I am lost in this other world 85% of the time. Its constant arguing in my head. A small voice tells me to leave it but I always lose and ignore it. I think whats going on here is that my true being scares the hell out of me. It couldn't be that we need an ego! It "protects" people from realizing their truest potential! It tells us we're not strong so need to be on the defensive constantly. It only hates and distracts.

I do feel so strange and unreal like a dream person. I don't tell anybody this because they just wouldn't understand! I sometimes feel like I am other peoples egos like I'm the emotion dumping ground. I'm really attracted to the infj type but I just cant see my worth with this ego I am lost in the clouds. Now I'm 31 I'm looking to know who my true being is I don't know if it's too late... I've delayed my life long enough.
 
Interesting.
The first obvious question is, have you thought of consulting with people who know more about this type of thing? Professionals in other words?
 
Can you "make friends" with her? I would be interested in whether [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION] has any thoughts on whether you could be friends with her.
 
Yes from 2008 until 2011 I had weekly talk therapy. I was also on meds for depression. Back then I was even building up hope I was that depressed. Talking with them and meds did help and even though I know I'm not high on the depressed scale anymore there's still a way to go! While the problem is smaller and I am grateful for that, I feel stuck at this level.

invisible: As for making friends with her no.... she is my enemy not my heroine. She despises the true me.
 
First, that was very well said and very clear. Sounds like you have a good handle on whats going on even if you're not sure how to go about dealing with it. Awareness is always the first step in breaking down any kind of denial or falsehood so kudos to you for getting there!

A lot of people have a professional self that isn't always in alignment with who they are personally, its tough to find that balance, and the more out of balance we are in that way the more apparent that can become as we get older.

I can relate a little bit cause I am very introverted in some ways and developed an extroverted persona to deal with responsibilities I had in an adult world. Was it a good idea - yes and no. Yes because it served me for a long time and taught me a lot of skills I wouldn't have otherwise learnt, but no because that extroverted persona was really tough to keep up because it wasn't who I really was. As I got older, more and more of that extroverted persona died away (slowly) as I became more comfortable in my own skin, found professions where I could be who I was as opposed to being something I wasn't, and became more and more clear about who and what I was comfortable with.

I think a lot of introverted people struggle with this kind of thing. Plus, if you're in a type of extroverted profession and you're really an introvert - yikes, thats a really difficult thing to do. I mean its like always going against the grain. The singer/songwriter and performer Van Morrison always said he was an introvert in an extroverted profession. Kris Kristofferson once performed with his back to the audience! I couldn't even imagine being an introverted performer - that must be excruciating for an introvert! The little bit of extroversion I dabbled in for a couple decades just about wore me out. I was so happy to shed that persona.

As I matured I let go more and more of that persona I developed, but I also faced a lot of pain through it and I had to make some really tough life choices about my career, and some tough personal choices too. But, the end result is far more satisfying and comfortable and was worth the letting go and healing I had to do to get there. I don't know if any of this resonates with you but I hope it helps a little to at least know other folks out there have gone through some similar things.

Sometimes the most difficult journey we will ever experience is the journey to find our true self.

Take care and good luck.
 
@missbee

I am not a professional, but I think you may want to look into the possibility that you have DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) or DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). The things you described, both feeling unreal (a.k.a. derealization/depersonalization) and the arguing in your head, reminded me of it. This book might help if that is the issue.

Regardless of whether or not that is the case, I think you're going to have to learn to work with this alter self that you have. They are a part of you as a person, and resisting that will just push these aspects of yourself apart even further, which will cause even more difficulty.
 
missbee said:
I have a fake self a pseudo self or what people usually call an ego. The thing is ho on earth do I step away from this thing?! I know I made it. But She (my ego) has destroyed my life. I was fooled for so long believing my ego was me. The illusion is so damn strong. I feel like disconnecting with it will make the ego come after me and destroy the new real life I crave. My ego is a beautiful celebrity singer she also saves everybody from something gone wrong. My perfect ideal version of me. But not real me.

When I was 14 I felt alone so made her in my head as an escape to help me to sleep and also keep me entertained when I was bored. It was great. I don't know what happened but as I got older, it got so big and unfriendly I started to fight and repress it by using hateful words towards myself. It then gradually fused with the real me and took over my mind.

I am lost in this other world 85% of the time. Its constant arguing in my head. A small voice tells me to leave it but I always lose and ignore it. I think whats going on here is that my true being scares the hell out of me. It couldn't be that we need an ego! It "protects" people from realizing their truest potential! It tells us we're not strong so need to be on the defensive constantly. It only hates and distracts.

I do feel so strange and unreal like a dream person. I don't tell anybody this because they just wouldn't understand! I sometimes feel like I am other peoples egos like I'm the emotion dumping ground. I'm really attracted to the infj type but I just cant see my worth with this ego I am lost in the clouds. Now I'm 31 I'm looking to know who my true being is I don't know if it's too late... I've delayed my life long enough.
Click to expand...

Yes. The construct we call ego is encouraged to keep us ....hmmm...how to say this...mired in the system. Does that make sense? The construct is deeply conditioned by the system to keep us in fear and to listen to authority instead of our intuition and inner guidance.

It's not too late. Go on a quest to find out how to love your self...the whole self....and learn to listen to your intuition. You are very aware and ready for this adventure.
 
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