How do other people see us?

Morgenstern36

Morgenstern36

Regular Poster
MBTI
Infj
I have read many articles and memes saying that INFJs come off as being "cold", "unapproachable" etc. Do you feel this is true?

Recently, I was in a situation with a group of acquaintances. They were making fun of the fact that I do not smile very much. It was the kind of teasing that gave me the impression I was the brunt of a joke.

I may not smile, but I feel I am a genuinely kind and warm person.
 
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What will I see through your armor?

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I think I can wax and wane. of course anyone is capable of being cold and putting out that "don't effe with me" vibe. certainly it happens. But overall, I think other people find me warm and open.
it's when I am dealing with something that is occupying all of my time and attention on the inside that I am far less open and willing to share with most people. And I am often in a state of absolutes about important feelings..
it's one way or the other. once it incubates fully and is processed and accepted, I move on from that place and like to share the experience when I find someone is feeling the same particular way.
 
Morgenstern36 said:
I have read many articles and memes saying that INFJs come off as being "cold", "unapproachable" etc. Do you feel this is true?

Recently, I was in a situation with a group of acquaintances. They were making fun of the fact that I do not smile very much. It was the kind of teasing that gave me the impression I was the brunt of a joke.

I may not smile, but I feel I am a genuinely kind and warm person.
Click to expand...

I think that as INFJ we are sometimes a bit more private than other types. We are highly sensitive and (I think wisely) take care when interacting with others. Over the years though I think I have opened up more to others, as in doing so I was able to connect with them better and put across some of the things I believed in and wanted to achieve. I think sometimes that can help dispel inaccurate views others may have of us.

I think developing and using feeling aspect of our character and expressing that in a constructive way, can help us connect with others so that they do come to know us better, and us them. Maybe what we miss out sometimes is how easy it is for us to 'see into people' and pick up their vibes, whilst for them, without us making that effort they may have a very limited insight into us.

One thing I read about INFJs which made me chuckle and may have a grain of truth. That we are too logical for the Feelers, and too sensitive for the Thinkers. I think we generally do ok though.
 
James said:
I think that as INFJ we are sometimes a bit more private than other types. We are highly sensitive and (I think wisely) take care when interacting with others. Over the years though I think I have opened up more to others, as in doing so I was able to connect with them better and put across some of the things I believed in and wanted to achieve. I think sometimes that can help dispel inaccurate views others may have of us.

I think developing and using feeling aspect of our character and expressing that in a constructive way, can help us connect with others so that they do come to know us better, and us them. Maybe what we miss out sometimes is how easy it is for us to 'see into people' and pick up their vibes, whilst for them, without us making that effort they may have a very limited insight into us.

One thing I read about INFJs which made me chuckle and may have a grain of truth. That we are too logical for the Feelers, and too sensitive for the Thinkers. I think we generally do ok though.
Click to expand...


You have made some very good points. I especially like the statement at the end. Thank you. May I ask to expand on this concept a bit? You mention picking up on vibes. What if the "ring leader" of this group is not a very good person? He seems to belittle the weakest of the group. He uses flattery, to the point of me very uncomfortable, to get a reaction. Whatever kind of reaction he can get, he will push boundaries. I can not seem to get past the big red flags that I get from the vibes. How does someone get past these feeling or should we just run and hide?
 
James said:
That we are too logical for the Feelers, and too sensitive for the Thinkers.
Click to expand...
-- I agree with this.

I think our roles and how others perceive us fluctuates with age and life roles. Our behaviors adapt out of necessity, and because of who we spend time with. Sometimes that stereotype has fit me, other times it has not. The saying James posted is very present in my life, though.
Yes, I am unapproachable, but I can also be welcoming and warm.
 
Morgenstern36 said:
You have made some very good points. I especially like the statement at the end. Thank you. May I ask to expand on this concept a bit? You mention picking up on vibes. What if the "ring leader" of this group is not a very good person? He seems to belittle the weakest of the group. He uses flattery, to the point of me very uncomfortable, to get a reaction. Whatever kind of reaction he can get, he will push boundaries. I can not seem to get past the big red flags that I get from the vibes. How does someone get past these feeling or should we just run and hide?
Click to expand...

Ok I think there's maybe a little more to your original post than I first thought, it's not just a reaction to you being an INFJ ? I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like this might be a little bit about bullying of others/you ? Sometimes this can be very subtle, sometimes subtle as a brick. I note you said acquaintances not friends or colleagues. I think if you are able to post some more details you will be able to get better support and a more rounded view than just mine alone.

INFJ can be over sensitive to conflict, but that doesn't sound to me what's happening. Sadly, we can be the target of bullies etc, as we are highly likely to stand up to aggressive people, if we see them mistreat anyone. We just do, it's instinct. If there is to be conflict then I'd think about assertiveness awareness for you and the others. It's not "all on you" but ? Personally I don't like to run from people who misbehave. I try to look objectively at the options, and what can change the situation. Honestly I think the fact that you are aware of your feelings puts you ahead of "thinking" types who may seem outwardly confident, but can sometimes be overly aggressive, and unaware of their feelings.

Conflict is part of life at times. Some people still act in a very 'pecking order' type manner, due to their insecurities. INFJ may be introverted and sensitive, but also when well adapted, are natural leaders themselves. Typically we try to do so, in a consensual and humanitarian manner. Although we maybe emotional we are very capable of using our logical thinking side, and successfully resisting those who mistreat others. Even though we are sensitive to conflict, ironically we are usually adept at resolving it for others, and dealing with it when necessary. When I believe conflict is about to occur, I look to diffuse it when I can, but when I can't ? I look to prepare for it.

To make sure it happens, where and when and how I prefer. Not to be drawn into it unplanned by others against my wishes. To have some clear goals about what I want the result to be, and to have an 'exit' strategy. Almost always it's a battle of words and we have some skill there. INFJ often have great courage and commitment but we can vulnerable, if we feel isolated or misunderstood. I hope that's me 'over reacting' and far more than you were looking for lol. I really do think the assertive path is the best way if that's what happenng. Best Wishes.
 
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Speaking of how others see us, can you spot fellow INFJs?

A few months ago I met someone I'm now in a professional relationship with. The moment I met him I thought, "He's an INFJ."
Today I was on FB and noticed he is in a few INFJ FB groups.

What tipped me off?
He was nervous to meet me and incredibly awkward and uncomfortable with the situation. He was gracious, polite, but unable to hide his unease. He was stuttering like mad. I liked him, but understood that I should give him ample breathing room. His business partner did most of the talking, which worked out well, because I already knew his partner, and his partner is animated and bubbly.

He said almost nothing the first time we met, but the next time we met he hung out, and when the topic turned to something he took particular interest in, he was chatty and rambled. He is also comfortable with messaging me. I've never spoken with him on the phone. Is an INFJ/INFJ phone combo even possible?

Another male INFJ behaves the same way every time I see him, and I've known him for years. When MBTI came up with another person I know, I told him his good friend (this man) and I are the same type. He laughed and said, "I can see that!" which clued me in that my behavior is the way I just described above. Haha. There really is no hope for me to ever appear suave.

Personally, I find it endearing, but at the same time I'm mortified that this is how I may appear to others.
 
Wyote said:
No I'm not! I'm suave as fuck. Yea.... totally....

....dammmit >.<
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dammmmit. Argh!!!

I'm reminded of a former manage who thought he was the bee's knees. (He was one of those people who was hip in the 80's and never adjusted to passing decades.) One day he kept saying, "You can't try to be cool. It's something you either have, or don't have. You're born with it." I agreed, but he kept repeating it and I kept wondering, "Is he trying to tell me I'm not cool? Because I already know that! Or is he trying to get me to tell him he is cool? I'm not going to." So, I just nodded and focused on my work until he stopped talking.
 
Asa said:
Speaking of how others see us, can you spot fellow INFJs?

A few months ago I met someone I'm now in a professional relationship with. The moment I met him I thought, "He's an INFJ."
Today I was on FB and noticed he is in a few INFJ FB groups.

What tipped me off?
He was nervous to meet me and incredibly awkward and uncomfortable with the situation. He was gracious, polite, but unable to hide his unease. He was stuttering like mad. I liked him, but understood that I should give him ample breathing room. His business partner did most of the talking, which worked out well, because I already knew his partner, and his partner is animated and bubbly.

He said almost nothing the first time we met, but the next time we met he hung out, and when the topic turned to something he took particular interest in, he was chatty and rambled. He is also comfortable with messaging me. I've never spoken with him on the phone. Is an INFJ/INFJ phone combo even possible?

Another male INFJ behaves the same way every time I see him, and I've known him for years. When MBTI came up with another person I know, I told him his good friend (this man) and I are the same type. He laughed and said, "I can see that!" which clued me in that my behavior is the way I just described above. Haha. There really is no hope for me to ever appear suave.

Personally, I find it endearing, but at the same time I'm mortified that this is how I may appear to others.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I am well aware that I will never be a cool dude. Playing it cool and pretending not to care just don't work for me. I am not as awkward as I used to be, but it is no surprise to me that I was not a chick magnet in high school. I was very different from the alpha males in terms of personality, style, and principles. I have had to overcome that sense of identifying with my innner high school loser, and I have succeeded for the most part. Sometimes I will even approach a beautiful woman and engage her in conversation simply for the challenge. Why am I inferior to some stranger just because they are easy on the eyes? I also try not to put any pressure on myself to impress people I meet. If I meet a girl, and she doesn't think I am cool enough for her, good riddance. She can end up with some suave stud who lies to her face everyday (or a great guy perhaps, but that contradicts the narrative I am attempting to spin). I have learned that if you possess decent self-esteem, are committed to authenticity, honesty, and openness, and are non-conformist, you become in many ways liberated from the notion that being cool, or hot, or tough actually matter or should define who you are in a meaningful way. So many people seem to be driven by proving to themselves or others that they qualify as being some subjective quality. Like you have to demonstrate to as many people as possible (and ultimately to your own insecurities) that you are successful or cool or tough or desirable or sexy or intelligent or generous or funny or happy or nice or whatever. I am at a certain point where I just can't be bothered anymore. I really can't control how people perceive me, and why should I even waste my energy trying to mold their opinions of me? I am not a politician. I don't need to be liked and accepted and understood by as many people as possible. At some level I am saying fuck them. Fuck the world. Who cares what they think or feel about you. It is irrelevant (unless of course you are being tried for murder for example). I feel that being an INFJ is both a blessing and a curse. Early on it is more of a curse as you tend to feel alienated and strange and overwhelmed. But eventually, as you grow and mature and learn from painful learning experiences, you possess a tremendous opportunity for true happiness and healthy relationships. It is like the tortoise and the hare. We feel like we are way behind early on, but eventually not only catch up, but surpass the hare. Society celebrates the hare. But it is the tortoise who realizes that life is a marathon, not a sprint. And at the end of the day, being happy means a lot more to me than being cool. Writing this post might not be deemed cool, but I guess it contributes to my level of happiness. Wow. I thought I was going to reply briefly. I guess the kraken was released. Better force it to return to its lair for later. I need to get shit done. Oy vey.
 
^^^ Yes, this, everything you just said^^^^!!!! @dang

The only difference is I was a 'guy magnet'. (I have a combination of childlike and womanly features that attracts some strange men.) I finally got so sick of it I deliberately changed my appearance to detract attention. Otherwise everything the kraken just released resonates. I've been accidentally popular at times, and I've been the person people whisper about, and I don't care either way.
 
Asa said:
-- I agree with this.

I think our roles and how others perceive us fluctuates with age and life roles. Our behaviors adapt out of necessity, and because of who we spend time with. Sometimes that stereotype has fit me, other times it has not. The saying James posted is very present in my life, though.
Yes, I am unapproachable, but I can also be welcoming and warm.
Click to expand...

Maybe a mid-twenties tired mom would explain my life role at that moment? It is nice to know that another can agree that unapproachable doesn't not mean you can't be a warm person.
 
Asa said:
Speaking of how others see us, can you spot fellow INFJs?

A few months ago I met someone I'm now in a professional relationship with. The moment I met him I thought, "He's an INFJ."
Today I was on FB and noticed he is in a few INFJ FB groups.

What tipped me off?
He was nervous to meet me and incredibly awkward and uncomfortable with the situation. He was gracious, polite, but unable to hide his unease. He was stuttering like mad. I liked him, but understood that I should give him ample breathing room. His business partner did most of the talking, which worked out well, because I already knew his partner, and his partner is animated and bubbly.

He said almost nothing the first time we met, but the next time we met he hung out, and when the topic turned to something he took particular interest in, he was chatty and rambled. He is also comfortable with messaging me. I've never spoken with him on the phone. Is an INFJ/INFJ phone combo even possible?

Another male INFJ behaves the same way every time I see him, and I've known him for years. When MBTI came up with another person I know, I told him his good friend (this man) and I are the same type. He laughed and said, "I can see that!" which clued me in that my behavior is the way I just described above. Haha. There really is no hope for me to ever appear suave.

Personally, I find it endearing, but at the same time I'm mortified that this is how I may appear to others.
Click to expand...
That is very interesting and I couldn't help but chuckle some at the discription on this man. It sounds too familiar, even if I would not like to admit it.
 
James said:
Ok I think there's maybe a little more to your original post than I first thought, it's not just a reaction to you being an INFJ ? I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like this might be a little bit about bullying of others/you ? Sometimes this can be very subtle, sometimes subtle as a brick. I note you said acquaintances not friends or colleagues. I think if you are able to post some more details you will be able to get better support and a more rounded view than just mine alone.

INFJ can be over sensitive to conflict, but that doesn't sound to me what's happening. Sadly, we can be the target of bullies etc, as we are highly likely to stand up to aggressive people, if we see them mistreat anyone. We just do, it's instinct. If there is to be conflict then I'd think about assertiveness awareness for you and the others. It's not "all on you" but ? Personally I don't like to run from people who misbehave. I try to look objectively at the options, and what can change the situation. Honestly I think the fact that you are aware of your feelings puts you ahead of "thinking" types who may seem outwardly confident, but can sometimes be overly aggressive, and unaware of their feelings.

Conflict is part of life at times. Some people still act in a very 'pecking order' type manner, due to their insecurities. INFJ may be introverted and sensitive, but also when well adapted, are natural leaders themselves. Typically we try to do so, in a consensual and humanitarian manner. Although we maybe emotional we are very capable of using our logical thinking side, and successfully resisting those who mistreat others. Even though we are sensitive to conflict, ironically we are usually adept at resolving it for others, and dealing with it when necessary. When I believe conflict is about to occur, I look to diffuse it when I can, but when I can't ? I look to prepare for it.

To make sure it happens, where and when and how I prefer. Not to be drawn into it unplanned by others against my wishes. To have some clear goals about what I want the result to be, and to have an 'exit' strategy. Almost always it's a battle of words and we have some skill there. INFJ often have great courage and commitment but we can vulnerable, if we feel isolated or misunderstood. I hope that's me 'over reacting' and far more than you were looking for lol. I really do think the assertive path is the best way if that's what happenng. Best Wishes.
Click to expand...
I couldn't help but have a smile that kept getting wider and wider as I read this. It is all very true. I love the optimistic and confidant approach that you seem to have.
Yes, I do suppose he is a bully. Mostly to his son, a man that is in his early 20s and still just stands with his head lowered.
 
People will only see what you want them to see. Of course, besides the whole ... I can see through you or into your soul bit, I am talking about INFJs since you asked. If you don't want anyone to see you, they won't ... and you really cannot expect otherwise. In a very creepy way we are all creating each other's realities (on top of our own.) Do I think INFJs have some sort of weird psychic ability to read people? No, but I do think INFJs are extremely assertive and will listen to their intuition when it is warranted. We all possess this ability, it's just a matter of how useful or important it is to you.

The older I get the more I don't think there is that much difference between the types ... or maybe it's just not important anymore. lol
 
Asa said:
Speaking of how others see us, can you spot fellow INFJs?

A few months ago I met someone I'm now in a professional relationship with. The moment I met him I thought, "He's an INFJ."
Today I was on FB and noticed he is in a few INFJ FB groups.

What tipped me off?
He was nervous to meet me and incredibly awkward and uncomfortable with the situation. He was gracious, polite, but unable to hide his unease. He was stuttering like mad. I liked him, but understood that I should give him ample breathing room. His business partner did most of the talking, which worked out well, because I already knew his partner, and his partner is animated and bubbly.

He said almost nothing the first time we met, but the next time we met he hung out, and when the topic turned to something he took particular interest in, he was chatty and rambled. He is also comfortable with messaging me. I've never spoken with him on the phone. Is an INFJ/INFJ phone combo even possible?

Another male INFJ behaves the same way every time I see him, and I've known him for years. When MBTI came up with another person I know, I told him his good friend (this man) and I are the same type. He laughed and said, "I can see that!" which clued me in that my behavior is the way I just described above. Haha. There really is no hope for me to ever appear suave.

Personally, I find it endearing, but at the same time I'm mortified that this is how I may appear to others.
Click to expand...

@Morgenstern36 confident ? no I wish it were so. Experienced with conflict? sadly yes.
@dang I think that is just about the best thing I ever read on here. imho when you open up? when you are serious ? I just want to keep reading.
@Asa I think the most suave people don't ever realize it. As it's not an act, it's just them. Everyone else sees it. Some love it, some are jealous. What does "suave" even mean. For me when people just relax and be themselves.
 
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