Falling faster from the sky.

[Blake Undefined]

hey,

you know, I've been naturally drawn to art since i was a kid. Unfortunately i gave up at a young age due to unforeseen circumstances.

Im trying to revive "the creator" thats deep inside. I want to share. Share something, i don't know how to describe it, something like a message. A.. visual quote. Truth.

Being a really unhealthy 4w5, i have a lot on my mind. A lot. Identity issues mainly. INFP, INFJ. The tests say I'm an INFJ, some people say that too. Some say I'm an INFP, based on my writing. I Understand there is a huge difference between the INFP and INFJ types. Im no writer at heart. I never expressed myself. I tend to sugarcoat things when I'm talking to people but not anymore. Nowadays I'm mistaken for an thinking type, but i know I'm feeling dominant. Fe an Fi are almost the same in strength, I'm just not sure which is really more. It has something to do with gaining knowledge and knowing that i can come off as any type based on the knowledge, and because i look for certainty, A fixed answer, i get lost with the knowledge. The knowledge overlaps my sense of being. I don't know how else to say this.

The main thing is this: When i try to create something again. I know i look for beauty and theres always a message i wish to send out. I wish to add emotion to it. My emotion, but by doing that i realise that i get more depressed. Those emotions hit me harder than my brush upon the canvas. Depression to me is not wet nor dry. Its like Mud. Its Thick, wet all around and dry on the inside. Hopelessness fills me up and i drown in my own art. Heck, i would hang myself up in a museum as a form of self expression, but that is.. a dry joke. Anyway. I focus more on the external due to the war within. All my creations end up getting destroyed. Incinerated by my emotions and i start an ongoing loop of self loathing and uselessness. I feel that at times i have nothing to give to the world. I don't belong here. I was given life, a gift, art and, to me i felt that i had to give something back. Something, With the skills I've been given and with the gratefulness from my heart. I am defying myself, my natural flow. I can feel it. I know it.

Id like to your your views on art, expression and purpose..

 

[BrokenDaniel]

You just feel the urge to do it, but that's just the start and it doesn't mean much. Sometimes i get the idea that people romaticize the creative process, and expect inspiration to do all the work. That's just wishful thinking. Art requires dedication. I don't give a crap what someone may have gone through and how much heart and soul they say they put into their work, if it's not good, then it's not, period, the rest it's just fancy words. That's why i always disliked what has been called concept art (with a couple of exceptions maybe, not sure), it's baffling to see untalented and lazy folks exposing in big museums their weird shit that, imo has no meaning besides just being weird and frankly absurd.
As for me, i always knew that was my way, and i work hard for it, although i still need more discipline. What's in my head it's already done, but the hand and fingers usually fail. Although i would like to think that i'm a fairly decent musician, and that i earned it.