Divorce

BamaINFJ

BamaINFJ

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Hi guys. I've had something on my mind a lot recently and I was wondering if I could get your thoughts on it.

Without going into all the details in a public forum, I'll keep it short.

I was married to a woman for a little over 20 years. Now I'm divorced and in a relationship with a man. I love him deeply! As a matter of fact I only thought I knew what love was before, now I feel like I REALLY know love. However, there are times when I find myself worrying about my ex. She was very needy and I can't help but worry about her. I do think about her from time to time and she texts me to ask me the same question over and over. It's very annoying but I know she is asking me because she is upset. She is torturing herself with things. She does not know I'm with anyone now, let alone a man, she has not clue about that.
How do I let go of her? How do I just move on and leave her in the past? How can I just forget someone I spent 20 years of my life with? I want to. I don't want to worry about her, I don't want to spend my time thinking about her. Believe me, the entire 20 years were very hard. I was under a severe amount of stress, there was a HUGE HUGEEEEE lack of intimacy, and it was like she didn't care. Why am I caring? Help me to let go!
 
Honesty.
Sincerity.
Communication.

Put it all out there. She needs to know. The truth may hurt, but the pain will subside much sooner if you just speak your mind.

Be gentle. It seems you have no problem in this area though. You care. Express that, but there needs to be closure and complete honesty before you can consider transitioning to a healthy friendship.

It's possible that if you just let her know you're with a man, she may accept it and move on. ...there are many possibilities, really. But there is no way of knowing what's to come of it all if you continue to beat around the bush.

*....I say this with the utmost respect.*
 
Friend... you may be able to arrange an annulment to this marriage, not necessarily a divorce.

I don't know about the impact that seeking a divorce rather than an annulment will have on the assets that you own or your particular familial arrangement. Before undergoing this process, I recommend finding a legal professional because dissolving a marriage can be particularly emotionally difficult (and financially costly) for the parties involved. You could also hypothetically just remain separated, leading separate lives, etc.

I don't wish divorce upon anyone: a last resort.

You're right to care about your wife, she deserves clarity. I hate to moralize but you know in your heart of hearts that adultery isn't right. I'm happy that you've finally found love but please don't let your love needlessly hurt someone. You've got the strength to get through this and make the virtuous choice.

There is a good man inside of your heart- let him out.

Let that little light shine.
 
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BritNi said:
Honesty.
Sincerity.
Communication.

Put it all out there. She needs to know. The truth may hurt, but the pain will subside much sooner if you just speak your mind.

Be gentle. It seems you have no problem in this area though. You care. Express that, but there needs to be closure and complete honesty before you can consider transitioning to a healthy friendship.

It's possible that if you just let her know you're with a man, she may accept it and move on. ...there are many possibilities, really. But there is no way of knowing what's to come of it all if you continue to beat around the bush.

*....I say this with the utmost respect.*
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Great words. I'm not even sure I want a friendship with her. I just want to forget her.
 
Pin said:
Friend... you may be able to arrange an annulment to this marriage, not necessarily a divorce.

I don't know about the impact that seeking a divorce rather than an annulment will have on the assets that you own or your particular familial arrangement. Before undergoing this process, I recommend finding a legal professional because dissolving a marriage can be particularly emotionally difficult (and financially costly) for the parties involved. You could also hypothetically just remain separated, leading separate lives, etc.

I don't wish divorce upon anyone: a last resort.

You're right to care about your wife, she deserves clarity. I hate to moralize but you know in your heart of hearts that adultery isn't right. I'm happy that you've finally found love but please don't let your love needlessly hurt someone. You've got the strength to get through this and make the virtuous choice.

There is a good man inside of your heart- let him out.

Let that little light shine.
Click to expand...
We've already divorced. It was final last month. Thank you for your words Pin!
 
BamaINFJ said:
We've already divorced. It was final last month. Thank you for your words Pin!
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Oh! You're welcome.

I can't promise you that I'll always be there but I absolutely will give you my honest opinion when I can.

You might have to accept that you'll never forget your ex-wife. You can remember her fondly though and do what you can to ease the load of her life.

There are many ways to say "I love you."
 
BamaINFJ said:
Great words. I'm not even sure I want a friendship with her. I just want to forget her.
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If that's the case, you have to let her know. And be firm.

I had to with my ex. After our separation, he still called everyday... multiple times a day. I felt bad enough for leaving, that I would sometimes give in and just answer the phone. It was always some type of guilt trip, begging, or harassment/emorional manipulation. He was extremely needy, too. So needy, he didn't even work. I did it all: home, finances, kid, etc. ...and I was disgusted by him, really. ....anyhow. I'm getting distracted.

Basically, I'm saying: I can relate.

One day I finally decided I had enough. And the day our divorce was finalized, I called him and this is what I said:
"Hey! I'm calling to let you know that our divorce is finalized. We no longer have ties. I've moved on with my life and I hope that you can do the same. I want you to be happy, but I will not be a part of it."

He tried to interrupt....I cut him off: didn't give him a chance to mess with my head. Then I said, "If you continue to call me, or come near my home again, I will call the cops and I will file harassment charges." (I'm not one who ever calls the cops on a loved one, so... he knew I was serious.)

I had to hang up then. Then I blocked his number completely.

I can't tell you what to do. Everyone's situation is different from the next. I don't know her and I don't know you. I just hope that you can find peace. I wish for your happiness and her healing just as much. And...I hope that I've at least helped you in some way by sharing my story, too.
 
BritNi said:
If that's the case, you have to let her know. And be firm.

I had to with my ex. After our separation, he still called everyday... multiple times a day. I felt bad enough for leaving, that I would sometimes give in and just answer the phone. It was always some type of guilt trip, begging, or harassment/emorional manipulation. He was extremely needy, too. So needy, he didn't even work. I did it all: home, finances, kid, etc. ...and I was disgusted by him, really. ....anyhow. I'm getting distracted.

Basically, I'm saying: I can relate.

One day I finally decided I had enough. And the day our divorce was finalized, I called him and this is what I said:
"Hey! I'm calling to let you know that our divorce is finalized. We no longer have ties. I've moved on with my life and I hope that you can do the same. I want you to be happy, but I will not be a part of it."

He tried to interrupt....I cut him off: didn't give him a chance to mess with my head. Then I said, "If you continue to call me, or come near my home again, I will call the cops and I will file harassment charges." (I'm not one who ever calls the cops on a loved one, so... he knew I was serious.)

I had to hang up then. Then I blocked his number completely.

I can't tell you what to do. Everyone's situation is different from the next. I don't know her and I don't know you. I just hope that you can find peace. I wish for your happiness and her healing just as much. And...I hope that I've at least helped you in some way by sharing my story, too.
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I do get a lot of mental manipulation from her. I appreciate you sharing your story. It definitely helps me!
 
You can't shine in this world if you're unhappy.

If cutting ties helps you to smile more often then you should do it sooner than later. The universe could use some positive energy, methinks.

Do what you need to do so that you can glow.
 
BamaINFJ said:
You're amazing Pin!
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No, you're amazing.

It takes a lot of courage to discuss what's bugging you when you know that everyone might not approve of what you have to say. After twenty years of marriage you STILL care about your former spouse even after severely difficult times. That's character and a form of commitment that many people lack, a feature of heroism.


I'm evil.
 
I'm with @BritNi on this: Let her know the truth.

It may be easier for her to wrap her head around this ending if you tell her you're with a man. It's often easier for people to accept a reason that is not about their own shortcomings. That's why people use the old, "It's not you, it's me," excuse.

You can never be rid of someone, especially not someone you spent 20 years with, but you can move forward and thrive.
 
BritNi said:
You can't shine in this world if you're unhappy.

If cutting ties helps you to smile more often then you should do it sooner than later. The universe could use some positive energy, methinks.

Do what you need to do so that you can glow.
Click to expand...
@BritNi YES! My boyfriend sent me a some of the words say, "I don't shine if you don't shine" and he stressed those to me.

For my own mental well being I have to cut the ties I think. It's just very hard, and maybe its because it's still so fresh.
 
Pin said:
No, you're amazing.

It takes a lot of courage to discuss what's bugging you when you know that everyone might not approve of what you have to say. After twenty years of marriage you STILL care about your former spouse even after severely difficult times. That's character and a form of commitment that many people lack, a feature of heroism.


I'm evil.
Click to expand...
@Pin
This made me cry! I guess I've only thought of myself negatively in this situation and to have you say this about me really touched me.
 
Asa said:
I'm with @BritNi on this: Let her know the truth.

It may be easier for her to wrap her head around this ending if you tell her you're with a man. It's often easier for people to accept a reason that is not about their own shortcomings. That's why people use the old, "It's not you, it's me," excuse.

You can never be rid of someone, especially not someone you spent 20 years with, but you can move forward and thrive.
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@Asa She will eventually hear the truth about me, but I'm not out, and neither is my BF. But when we decide to tell everyone, she will be on the list.
I won't go into fault right now, because I know I share some of the fault, but she does need to think about this and figure out what she needs to do to change so the next person she is with doesn't leave too.
 
Milktoast Bandit said:
Gotta tell her. Nothing less will do. Unless you wanna be a dick and cuss her out and stop responding to her and get a restraining order...
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You could be of some help in the latter circumstance, I imagine
 
I think you're lucky to have someone you still care about as your ex, but it sounds like she may be overstepping a line with all the contact and questions.

Gather your courage and let her know. Unless you have young children in your lives (you have not mentioned any) there is no room for feelings in a divorce, it's a business contract. Treating it as such will help you both move on.

Adding: I think it's wonderful that you still care about her and vice versa. Not too many people have that going for them when they split up.
 
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