Dealing with cognitive dissonance:attracted to personality but not looks

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CuriousENFP

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So the last time, I talked about the INFJ who rejected me. He seems to be coming around and I thought he messaged me through a throwaway reddit account about a topic I wrote about. The writing style was eerily similar. Right now, besides thinking about the fact that I may not make a good partner and he probably deserves some more emotionally healthy, I struggle with cognitive dissonance. Yes I have a massive crush on him. It's his personality. I like his height, his build, his personality, his hobbies and I admire what he does for a living. But I guess I am not really attracted to his facial features and some aspects like the door-slamming aspects of him. The crushes on guys I have in the past, usually I was attracted to their facial features. I don't know what to think about this. I guess over time, I could be attracted to every part of him. I guess I am starting to learn that looks are not a deal-breaker. He's not ugly, just average I guess. What do you think about this: I mean, hypothetically, in your situation, could you be attracted to a person's personality and not looks? I mean if I were 18, I wouldn't be attracted to him I guess. Maybe as I grow older, I am becoming more mature? It's not that bad of a cognitive dissonance compared to the other situations I was in where I had to walk away.

There's just something about his personality. Even his online persona is massively attractive.

That is, if he really does come around. I googled about this topic and received mixed responses from Quora etc.
 
Why are you obsessing over him and building up a possible future with a man who rejected you?



When I was younger I had a type, but as I grew older looks stopped mattering. I think it is fairly common for INFJs to be demi and sapio sexuals – attracted to people we share deep emotional connections with and/or attracted to people's minds. Connection and being understood are so rare that one can hardly be picky, plus most people are interesting to look at. Sex is better when you're with someone of that calibur, too. "Actractiveness" factors like hygiene, personal style, and behavior (manners, how the person treats others) matter more to me than "looks".
 
Is this the bookstore guy?
 
I find it a little disconcerting the way you break down things you find attractive about him and the aspects that "don't fit" as though it was a build a bear factory.

My mother told me this when I was young which looking back may have been a bit inappropriate but it did make an impact on me:

You can never base a relationship around how a person looks. What if they got horribly disfigured in a car accident, would you still love them then and want to be with them?

This question has really helped me to weed out people I'm interested in only for superficial reasons.

When I was reading about chernobyl the story of the wife of either one of the plant workers or firefighters really got to me.

She watched her husband deteriorate from the radiation sickness, his skin fall off, it's really a terrible thing to witness. He kept asking for a mirror to see himself with but she would pretend to get the mirror to get distracted and not give it to him. Finally he convinced her to and the he was horrified to see how he looked. He didn't know how she could still kiss him and love him that way, his own appearance frightened him. She loved him. Thats love.


I do think that when people are going through sexual maturation initially they focus on looks because of hormones and the biological drive. And yes we want there to be sexual attraction, that's why lesbians aren't going to date men. After experiencing what relationships are like and what you want in a relationship and what you value you do tend to start to widen your criteria. I think I'm a bit demisexual myself. Even if I do experience initial attraction I won't allow myself to fully feel it until an emotional connection is formed.
 
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I hate to say it like this, but are you attracted to him because he rejected you and wasn't into you and now you're trying to find out how you can reverse that so you can "win?"

None of this makes sense to me otherwise. If someone tells you they're not feeling it then take them at their word and let them go. There's nothing worse than being very plainly and fully rejected and not accepting that. Then to go as far as to try to convince yourself that you're into him somehow while in the same breath basically saying you're not actually attracted to him...

What is this about?
 
SpecialEdition said:
I hate to say it like this, but are you attracted to him because he rejected you and wasn't into you and now you're trying to find out how you can reverse that so you can "win?"

None of this makes sense to me otherwise. If someone tells you they're not feeling it then take them at their word and let them go. There's nothing worse than being very plainly and fully rejected and not accepting that. Then to go as far as to try to convince yourself that you're into him somehow while in the same breath basically saying you're not actually attracted to him...

What is this about?
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ENFP


Yeah, sounds like some kind of chase-game to me.
 
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Asa said:
Why are you obsessing over him and building up a possible future with a man who rejected you?



When I was younger I had a type, but as I grew older looks stopped mattering. I think it is fairly common for INFJs to be demi and sapio sexuals – attracted to people we share deep emotional connections with and/or attracted to people's minds. Connection and being understood are so rare that one can hardly be picky, plus most people are interesting to look at. Sex is better when you're with someone of that calibur, too. "Actractiveness" factors like hygiene, personal style, and behavior (manners, how the person treats others) matter more to me than "looks".
Click to expand...

Cause' I thought he was posting actively on Reddit, about me and stuff and wishing me happy birthday and all that in one of the subreddit. Not directly saying it to me but in a forum where you can post something you would like to say to someone but don't send. Like saying he wanted to know me better, and I suspected he posted a reply to me from a throwaway account. I thought I saw him near my workplace and I thought I heard him near my house.

SpecialEdition said:
Is this the bookstore guy?
Click to expand...

Yes.

slant said:
I find it a little disconcerting the way you break down things you find attractive about him and the aspects that "don't fit" as though it was a build a bear factory.

My mother told me this when I was young which looking back may have been a bit inappropriate but it did make an impact on me:

You can never base a relationship around how a person looks. What if they got horribly disfigured in a car accident, would you still love them then and want to be with them?

This question has really helped me to weed out people I'm interested in only for superficial reasons.

When I was reading about chernobyl the story of the wife of either one of the plant workers or firefighters really got to me.

She watched her husband deteriorate from the radiation sickness, his skin fall off, it's really a terrible thing to witness. He kept asking for a mirror to see himself with but she would pretend to get the mirror to get distracted and not give it to him. Finally he convinced her to and the he was horrified to see how he looked. He didn't know how she could still kiss him and love him that way, his own appearance frightened him. She loved him. Thats love.


I do think that when people are going through sexual maturation initially they focus on looks because of hormones and the biological drive. And yes we want there to be sexual attraction, that's why lesbians aren't going to date men. After experiencing what relationships are like and what you want in a relationship and what you value you do tend to start to widen your criteria. I think I'm a bit demisexual myself. Even if I do experience initial attraction I won't allow myself to fully feel it until an emotional connection is formed.
Click to expand...

You raise a good point. I feel that I need an emotional connection with someone, otherwise, I will never have sex with a guy. I am quite picky in that sense. For girls, I am attracted to them sexually and I guess the emotional part doesn't play in as much.

Sometimes Yeah said:
Hmmmm
I don't get it
Click to expand...

Lady Jolanda said:
What about his door-slamming, rejecting personality do you find so attractive?

Why do you want someone who doesn't want you?
Click to expand...

I guess the shy, caring vibe is attractive. Like not being super masculine, and in real life he talks like he is literally talking with emojis and memes.

SpecialEdition said:
I hate to say it like this, but are you attracted to him because he rejected you and wasn't into you and now you're trying to find out how you can reverse that so you can "win?"

None of this makes sense to me otherwise. If someone tells you they're not feeling it then take them at their word and let them go. There's nothing worse than being very plainly and fully rejected and not accepting that. Then to go as far as to try to convince yourself that you're into him somehow while in the same breath basically saying you're not actually attracted to him...

What is this about?
Click to expand...

I am dealing with some cognitive dissonance, and you are right. They are probably not feeling it. I think it's a case of limerence. That's why it is so hard to let him go. But I think I am starting to let him go again, knowing that there are so many other ways that we are incompatible.
 
CuriousENFP said:
I am dealing with some cognitive dissonance, and you are right. They are probably not feeling it. I think it's a case of limerence. That's why it is so hard to let him go. But I think I am starting to let him go again, knowing that there are so many other ways that we are incompatible.
Click to expand...

It sounds like you may be searching for him where he may not be. If he hasn't spoken to you directly in some time it may be better to just leave it. I don't think a relationship where someone can't just say something as simple as happy birthday directly to you is where you'd want to be. It seems like it would be unfulfilling to be wondering if random accounts online are talking to you or about you in that way. It seems like if he was into it he'd use the excuse to say happy birthday as a way to open up the conversation.
 
CuriousENFP said:
Is it an ENFP stereotype to chase and hanker after unavailable guys? Idk, from what you have read about ENFPs? I can take brutal honesty and criticism.
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No. Or at least, not in a way that's relevant to you.

I was being light there.
 
If love is what you're looking for, it shouldn't be complicated. It should be easy.

This sounds complicated.
If it were me, I'd move on.
 
After reading and reflecting on what all of you said, yes,I have become pretty delusional. I thought I heard him and his friends below my block,listening to my singing and complimenting my singing. And I thought his friends were cheering and booing for certain things I said or did,and posted online. Like when I sent him a message,I heard them cheering. Then they boo-ed when I deleted the messages I sent for both of us in telegram. I guess it's probably not real,like the derogatory voices saying mean things to me. I have mental health conditions and it's clouding my judgement.
 
CuriousENFP said:
After reading and reflecting on what all of you said, yes,I have become pretty delusional. I thought I heard him and his friends below my block,listening to my singing and complimenting my singing. And I thought his friends were cheering and booing for certain things I said or did,and posted online. Like when I sent him a message,I heard them cheering. Then they boo-ed when I deleted the messages I sent for both of us in telegram. I guess it's probably not real,like the derogatory voices saying mean things to me. I have mental health conditions and it's clouding my judgement.
Click to expand...
Yes.

What you've said here would be extremely concerning to most people.
 
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