Boundaries in relationships

drummergirlbk

drummergirlbk

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Hello all,

My fiance and I have been struggling over the past however long to properly establish boundaries with my parents. To give a little perspective, my parents suffer from overprotective parent syndrome (a chronic and incurable disease) and have become extremely hurt or upset when we have made attempts in the past. TBH,, the whole situation has gone out of hand and I'm at the point where I'm less than two weeks away from moving out and I have to hide out in the basement at night to keep from having to fight about stuff like when they should be allowed into the apartment I'll be renting with my soon-to-be husband. I mean I understand that they want to "help out" and what not, but there is definitely a line there that they have more than crossed by now.

So I guess I'm asking for advice about how to securely set those boundaries. What is it that makes parents want to invade their children's lives to the point of making them fear and avoid any contact with them whatsoever? I'm honestly sorely confused about this and would really like some input.
 
They know some harsh realities more intimately than you do and want to protect you from them, but you have to go through them yourself and nobody wants to see their family member in pain. Like have you ever witnessed your parent being publicly disrespected or humiliated? It's a shitty thing. They don't want that for you either.

You have to know that they are just people and speak to them about your concerns diplomatically. Distance yourself but keep them informed enough for them to have a good sense that you are competent and strong enough to handle very difficult circumstances.
 
Sounds horrid. :(

What things have you tried in the past and how did they react?
 
I'm sorry to hear that.
My mum was the same and it ate me for years. I never let her know it bothered me, she didn't have any idea until I blew up.
My suggestion would be to talk to them about it. Tell them how you feel, let them know you appreciate that they're such loving parents. But also establish the point that you are fully capable of taking care of everything.

Let us know how it goes okay?

Hugs :)
 
drummergirlbk said:
Hello all,

So I guess I'm asking for advice about how to securely set those boundaries. I'm honestly sorely confused about this and would really like some input.
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Well you're 21 which means you are legally allowed to set your own boundaries from your parents. Therefore my response would likely be to make that readily apparent to your parents. The simply answer to when they should be allowed in the apartment is simply never unless you or your fiance specifically invite them in. I would explain to them that is therefore the end of the argument you will be having with them on the subject and if they don't like it they are free to contact a lawyer for clarification.

Of course this all becomes more complicated if they are still helping you out financially. If they are paying your rent or paying for your wedding they can hold that over you so I would recommend that you fix that problem if it exists immediately. So long as they have no real power over you besides guilt then they have no power at all.

drummergirlbk said:
What is it that makes parents want to invade their children's lives to the point of making them fear and avoid any contact with them whatsoever
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They still view you as a child that needs protection and guidance, and until you demonstrate to them that you do not require it(unlikely to ever fully happen) or you inform them that there interference in your life will not be tolerated they will likely continue.
 
We will always be children in our parents eyes. I'm 40 and my mother can still be overbearing. As a parent myself, I dread the day when my kids move out. It's because as [MENTION=251]Wyote[/MENTION] said, there is this innate need to protect our children and still ensure that they have all they need in life. A good sit down with them will help. Let them know that you appreciate how much they care for you, but that they also need to trust you to be on your own and starting your new life with your partner. Remind them that you'll always be their little girl, but you're a woman now, a soon to be married woman, and it's time for them to let you go. Let them know that you're not dividing their family, it's only expanding. Ask for their trust in this, to trust you and your spouse, to make the right decisions and care for each other.
 
First off, don't give them anything to hold over you. Don't accept offers of financial help. Secondly, just say no. Right now you don't have the upper hand in this because you are in fact living in their basement so you kind of have to be nice to people who let you live with them. If you don't want them coming over unannounced make sure they don't have a key, and if they do randomly show up, don't answer the door. And if they try to make plans to come over too often, just say no.
 
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This is not healthy at all, I'm sure you know that.

They aren't allowed to ever just show up unannounced. Make it a global rule for everyone. Tell a white lie and say your soon to be inlaws are super overbearing and you have to make this rule for everyone. That might work, plus if you complain enough about the terrible privacy invading "in-laws" when you are actually talking about them, they'll be getting some perspective on how you feel without feeling the blame or guilt and might start to alter their thinking and behavior a little.
 
Absolutely you need to talk to them or lie to them. This is horrible behavior of your parents. Stand your ground in one way or another and don't budge on it.
 
Gasp! Don't lie to your parents. How are they going to get into your apartment without permission/invite (and spare key!)? Just keep a cool head and tell them you guys need your privacy.
 
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They are used to having complete access to you. If you are old enough to move out and plan a wedding, you are old enough to tell your parents the following:

I know you love me and I appreciate your concern but I need to know that my place is just that- MY place. I am an adult now. So, no you can't have a key but when I am ready to have you over, I will be thrilled to see you. I promise to check in regularly so you don't worry too much. Thanks for being such caring parents. (((Hugs)))
 
Have you talked to them about your personality? Hand them a description of Intjs. Then tell them that you love them and appreciate everything they have done for you but... the boundaries you give them have to be kept for everyone's sanity. Be very clear.
Then... make sure they never have a key. Or get one of those locks you can change the code on. :)
 
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