Feeling really uncomfortable with acting?

I feel it's really unfair because at various times at my life I have changed myself and tried to be conscious and work at how I present and hold myself, it just seems like the standards that are beholden socially seem really extreme to me and I find them really uncomfortable.

I also find a lot of emotional obstacles in the way of actually accomplishing or achieving this. For one, it makes me really uncomfortable and sad, and then it seems to bring up a lot of anger and sadness inside of me. Sometimes it almost makes me feel like crying if i were to be honest. (if not screaming as well)

I know that this often is perceived as simply 'whining' at what is, but it's not merely the case, as there is a lot of logical reasoning's behind the existence of such things, but I digress I do not really want to get into it now. But I am starting to notice how much negative reactions or bewilderment and confusion that arises from my behavior or mannerisms at times. For example, I sometimes look down, or don't always stand/and sit straight continually. Sometimes I pause, and think about things and few different facial expressions will come across my face, and also sometimes I just pause to think about things, which I suppose could be defined as "brooding" to an extent if anything, but I've noticed it confuses people a lot. I also don't feel comfortable always smiling with people all of the time, and joining in on the whole jovial esque exchange type of thing that I notice people do a lot.

Also, I kind of wonder if it's mostly Western culture a times though? I've started to notice just how extroverted it is in comparison to the rest of the world and I just kind of abhor it. I am not even against "conformity" all that much I realized, and by comparison to other cultures I don't have that much of a conflict but with Western culture I seem to not really have a place in it. Also as well, kind of adversarial?


It doesn't help that I do no emit a very strong or domineering physical presence and as well, I look doleful or seemingly innocent a bit, despite my best efforts not to.

I don't know if it's important or not, but I wanted to say that often times it's in relationship to capitalism, which is a lot of the reason why it bothers me so much because it's not actually on the basis of authentically wanting to connect or co-operate with people and do what is meaningful to ourselves, it is about competing, and doing what those in authority/power want, which again is on the basis of capitalism, which often times, the motive and objective of capitalism is not really very good. It's all just business/profit, and beating/being superior to others and not connecting with people. I try to mentally ignore it or think it's not a big deal but the alienation just causes so much emotional distress in me, I do not know why. I feel like I am in a dark steel room, and I am clawing at the walls all of the time, and everything is cold dark and empty, even looking or being around others is it vein, because social interactions too often are cold dark and empty.

North America is really competitive as well I think, everyone is always sizing each other up or competing and to most people that's what the main point in life is, and I just don't get how they can be content proverbially 'chasing cheese' all of the time.

Smiling, being happy isn't based on anything authentic, and we do not even know why we're supposed to be happy, we just are supposed to be, again it's like a void sort of, wherein nothing else matters and you're supposed to carry on in this fashion as well.


I think Canada might be worse for this then America though ironically enough, I've been around Americas and whilst of course their is an exception to present oneself properly, it doesn't seem so extreme. Canada seems really strict with how one should behave, not too all removed from Britain (at least from the past) lol.

I think that generally I feel as that, if there's nothing we can do to change or improve things in this manner, how can one possibly be expected to act so much, especially in a sense of being happy? there's nothing really personally to be happy against for then, but I know that's the whole reason of "acting" because that's the basis of capitalism---we all have our own self interested desires and are supposed to hide this and pretend like we do not. (or something) so at least there's a portion of civility. (are true selves are not good, so we must hide them?)