Jar of Fears

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

N

It’s actually quite normal with abuse to feel that way and put yourself at more risk. I think my biggest step towards recovery has been to walk away from those things. It doesn’t hurt to say that you’re on a journey through your healing and it’s not abnormal to feel that way.

I agree <3 and relate as well.

 

[Synergos]

People don't inspire trust. Is it something that troubles you?

Not exactly... Of course we all would enjoy to have a lot of people who inspires trust (I think) or that comprehend our way of thinking.
But, not being silly or naive, it's pretty standard. So I learned to identify the opportunities I got to really create connection. And not create foolish expectations.

 

[Anomaly]

Clowns used to scare me. And then, I found this terror delightful. It became a recurring joke among me & my sisters. And now they're not frightening anymore.

It's funny because my sister adores clowns and was given a clown figurine that she used to torture me with when we were little. haha. I don't worry about clowns, but if one were walking down the street, I would cross traffic to avoid it. hahaha. I enjoy the choice to deviate from that which we don't enjoy. I am glad that you have found ways to dissolve fear in humor, Winter. Your sisters sound fun to be around. : )

 

[Synergos]

I want to hear from you, please. I would like it very much if you shared whatever was on your mind or your heart.

Me too @ExhumedMorrison!

 

[Anomaly]

N

It’s actually quite normal with abuse to feel that way and put yourself at more risk. I think my biggest step towards recovery has been to walk away from those things. It doesn’t hurt to say that you’re on a journey through your healing and it’s not abnormal to feel that way and know that others do it too. I fear the abandonment at times, but I fear more abandoning my kids or myself than losing my abuser.
Valuing your values and your feelings is a part of that and it okay to give yourself credit for noticing it.

Thank you, EM.

I'm definitely on the journey of finding myself. I was silenced for so long, that I'm still figuring out how to speak authentically, still finding myself apart from the ones that have brought harm as recompense for my trust. You are brave, and you inspire me in what you've alluded to. Despite not knowing all of the details, I am proud of you for owning your voice. You matter.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

Not exactly... Of course we all would enjoy to have a lot of people who inspires trust (I think) or that comprehend our way of thinking.
But, not being silly or naive, it's pretty standard. So I learned to identify the opportunities I got to really create connection. And not create foolish expectations.

That is a good place to be Synergos <3 not having expectations while still having standards. Experience. You are a bright soul <3

It's funny because my sister adores clowns and was given a clown figurine that she used to torture me with when we were little. haha. I don't worry about clowns, but if one were walking down the street, I would cross traffic to avoid it. hahaha. I enjoy the choice to deviate from that which we don't enjoy. I am glad that you have found ways to dissolve fear in humor, Winter. Your sisters sound fun to be around. : )

Well, they're something else. I suppose we all are.
*hugs* thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities with us, whether they're little things or not. I appreciate knowing you better.

 

[Synergos]

I was silenced for so long, that I'm still figuring out how to speak authentically

I can relate completely! You will find your way. Good people around you deserves hear the true you. And you deserve to breath freely, without any mask, enjoying your beautiful soul.
Hand out sunglasses and shine!

 

[Anomaly]

That is a good place to be Synergos <3 not having expectations while still having standards. Experience. You are a bright soul <3

Well, they're something else. I suppose we all are.
*hugs* thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities with us, whether they're little things or not. I appreciate knowing you better.

We have turned fear into a subject full of Fe warmth. Aww look at us. hahaha.

((hugs))

Thank you, Winter. I am grateful for the opportunity to do the same with you, and others here as well.

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

That is a good place to be Synergos <3 not having expectations while still having standards. Experience. You are a bright soul <3

That IS a great way of thinking about it as an antidote to fear. Unfortunately some fears and phobias are big ones that we’re learning to get past.
I think sometimes we allow ourselves to get hurt for so long we shut it off. Yeah. I’m evil.

 

[Anomaly]

I can relate completely! You will find your way. Good people around you deserves hear the true you. And you deserve to breath freely, without any mask, enjoying your beautiful soul.
Hand out sunglasses and shine!

Me: Taking off that last mask.
Everyone around me seeking shelter:

Thank you, Syn. : )

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

We have turned fear into a subject full of Fe warmth. Aww look at us. hahaha.

((hugs))

Thank you, Winter. I am grateful for the opportunity to do the same with you, and others here as well.

You're welcome <3

Right. I suppose we should set things back on track.

Sometimes I'm troubled that my life will be devoid of happiness & meaning. That I will live a long and tedious existence.
Is feeling troubled the same as feeling afraid? maybe. It depends on your perspective.

I sometimes fear abandonment, but only if somebody can cross that threshold inside me. Most people don't; most people are never truly 'ours'.

To me, Fear often stems from change, 'what if', and death (either physical or mental). And a dread that, like an event horizon, we don't know what happens after that point. If we know that, somehow, we'll be okay... there's not much to be afraid about. That we can adapt, suffer through, survive, and grow from things.
If we don't have that faith in ourselves then life can be fairly terrifying, because
What we have, isn't ours to keep, and
Who we are can become anything.

 

[Synergos]

That IS a great way of thinking about it as an antidote to fear. Unfortunately some fears and phobias are big ones that we’re learning to get past.
I think sometimes we allow ourselves to get hurt for so long we shut it off. Yeah. I’m evil.

Dear EM, you are not evil. Sometimes we care more others than ourselves - even when these others doesn't reciprocate. So you are only an apprentice, like all people here. I learned to turn fear into a tool.
Perhaps we are all immersed in some type of fear.
In one stage of my break I understand that I needed to choose what fear I want deal with, and what not.
Long story short, I decided to afford the fear of not being understood by my loved ones, over the fear of being a failure, a complete waste, in life.
So, the lack of comprehension of my daughters hurt, but I'm conformable with this, cuz I have a greater fear... A fear that denies my purpose in life. And this I can't afford!

 

[Synergos]

Me: Taking off that last mask.
Everyone around me seeking shelter:

Thank you, Syn. : )

Yes! I will bring back my shades avi! You caught my imagination!

 

[Anomaly]

I sometimes fear abandonment, but only if somebody can cross that threshold inside me. Most people don't; most people are never truly 'ours'.

To me, Fear often stems from change, 'what if', and death (either physical or mental). And a dread that, like an event horizon, we don't know what happens after that point. If we know that, somehow, we'll be okay... there's not much to be afraid about. That we can adapt, suffer through, survive, and grow from things.
If we don't have that faith in ourselves then life can be fairly terrifying, because
What we have, isn't ours to keep, and
Who we are can become anything.

Profound thoughts. I think that we often let others into the corridor or anteroom, but there exists a chamber reserved only for a select few. I don't think it is wrong that we are this way. In the recent thread titled, 'I Love You', it was mentioned that we only have the capacity to allow a few to truly see us, and to devote the time and energy to shore up that connection and ensure its survival. I suppose the fear comes from wondering if who we've allowed into the 'corridor' is truly worth it (the 'what if' you mentioned rings true). What if we devote all of this time and energy into cultivating this connection, only to have it be taken from us? I don't wish to rob myself of the joy of connection, but I also want to be discerning enough to know who belongs in my inner sanctum and who should exist on the periphery of it. If I already fear losing them, then they have already been given intimate access. The fear is made stronger, but so is the bond. Sure, they don't belong to us, and it is their choice, but that is what makes it all the more beautiful when they choose us repeatedly.

As for becoming anything, that's true, but it isn't a bad thing. We are dynamic, and hopefully we can improve not despite our fears, but because of them. If anything is certain, it is change.

This is one of my favorite songs on the topic...

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

Dear EM, you are not evil. Sometimes we care more others - even when these others doesn't reciprocate. So you are only an apprentice, like all people here. I learned to turn fear into a tool.
Perhaps we are all immersed in some type of fear.
In one stage of my break I understand that I needed to choose what fear I want deal with, and what not.
Long story short, I decided to afford the fear of not being understood by my loved ones, over the fear of being a failure, a complete wast, in life.
So, the lack of comprehension of my daughters hurt, but I'm conformable with this, cuz I have a greater fear... A fear that denies my purpose in life. And this I can't afford!

I don’t really worry about being understood. I fear being taken advantage of. So yeah. I’ve shut it off. You can try to turn it back on but the fear of my children being hurt or myself being hurt by a man who can’t control himself is more torture than feeling like a villain for choosing to love yourself. Maybe that’s inconsistent, but it doesn’t blast light, it’s destructive. Maybe that’s “machiviallian” but it’s just as narcissistic in the latter and inconsistent to destroy yourself. For someone in that way. I’ve lost my life for him. Children are more than that. I fear more so the idea that I’ve starved myself, killed myself emotionally for a man that lied and manipulated his way out than been what he promised to be that only one kept. So no. I’m sorry I’m not interpreting what you’re attempting to put down in this situation. If you mean that the contrast between the two may be mixed, maybe my intention is misinterpreted.

 

[Synergos]

Me: Taking off that last mask.
Everyone around me seeking shelter:

Thank you, Syn. : )

Surely not shelter but a sunscreen, yes!

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

Profound thoughts. I think that we often let others into the corridor or anteroom, but there exists a chamber reserved only for a select few. I don't think it is wrong that we are this way. In the recent thread titled, 'I Love You', it was mentioned that we only have the capacity to allow a few to truly see us, and to devote the time and energy to shore up that connection and ensure its survival. I suppose the fear comes from wondering if who we've allowed into the 'corridor' is truly worth it (the 'what if' you mentioned rings true). What if we devote all of this time and energy into cultivating this connection, only to have it be taken from us? I don't wish to rob myself of the joy of connection, but I also want to be discerning enough to know who belongs in my inner sanctum and who should exist on the periphery of it. If I already fear losing them, then they have already been given intimate access. The fear is made stronger, but so is the bond. Sure, they don't belong to us, and it is their choice, but that is what makes it all the more beautiful when they choose us repeatedly.

As for becoming anything, that's true, but it isn't a bad thing. We are dynamic, and hopefully we can improve not despite our fears, but because of them. If anything is certain, it is change.

This is one of my favorite songs on the topic...

Thank you. My thoughts exactly.

 

[Synergos]

I don’t really worry about being understood. I fear being taken advantage of. So yeah. I’ve shut it off. You can try to turn it back on but the fear of my children being hurt or myself being hurt by a man who can’t control himself is more torture than feeling like a villain for choosing to love yourself. Maybe that’s inconsistent, but it doesn’t blast light, it’s destructive. Maybe that’s “machiviallian” but it’s just as narcissistic in the latter and inconsistent to destroy yourself. For someone in that way. I’ve lost my life for him. Children are more than that. I fear more so the idea that I’ve starved myself, killed myself emotionally for a man that lied and manipulated his way out than been what he promised to be that only one kept. So no. I’m sorry I’m not interpreting what you’re attempting to put down in this situation. If you mean that the contrast between the two may be mixed, maybe my intention is misinterpreted.

I understood. I lived 20 years under narcissistic abuse, from a covert narcissist. I can relate. What I tried to tell is that to break, or to get out this situation I had to choose among two fears, once everything I choose will starts life sacrifice. It was a way of thinking to push me out of my situation.

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

Yeah. I’m sure he’ll have his reasons why he did too. Don’t care. No offense intended towards you. “I honor your journey”
I’ve had jealousy, isolation, doors kicked in in my face. My children grabbed and things thrown at them, manipulation, screamed at for losing chargers due to being so post traumatic I couldn’t remember where I put it, tackled, prevented from leaving, suffocated for trying to and defending myself, etc etc.
Yeah. The post traumatic stress causes self blame. Shocking. And yeah. I’ve shut it off. There’s nothing left. So if you’re concerned I’ve told someone to protect their heart rather than encouraged them to not get to that point then I’m not sure of the implications That I appear to be implying. And no I don’t expect any justice system to be just enough to defend me and me kids with how much he manipulated it. So if I’m too defensive for this forum then that’s fine with me.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

Yes, being chosen repeatedly is beautiful. A preciousness particular to it.

I agree that it isn't a bad thing to have this potential inside us, to become anything. It isn't inherently good either, but rather something we must be mindful about and not timid. Otherwise, people grow afraid to change and ossify, or they become afraid to stagnate and make choices poorly to escape that.

In the recent thread titled, 'I Love You', it was mentioned that we only have the capacity to allow a few to truly see us, and to devote the time and energy to shore up that connection and ensure its survival.

I think it depends on how we experience love; on what it means to us. In a traditional sense though, that seems to be true. It's very difficult - and painful - to part with somebody who we've made part of our being. And sometimes more so when we let them in, only to find they were not right for us.

Thank you for sharing your song <3