[ENFP] I have feelings for my unavailable new INFJ friend, help me

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Looking for general advice really, but my questions are as follows:

1) What strategies can I use to lessen the intensity of our interactions and the frequency of our contact, without upsetting INFJ?

2) Do you think there’s a possibility INFJ could be aware of my feelings? If so, is the INFJ likely to ever confront me about this or not?

3) Does INFJ’s behaviour hint at any kind of reciprocation of feelings or just an intense friendship? [I am fairly certain the answer to this is no, but I want to hear an objective opinion, as I feel my own judgement on the matter is extremely clouded]

4) I think this may be impossible, but how can I try to lose or lessen my feelings for INFJ?[/QUOTE]


Caruso, I'm not sure how I stumbled upon this, but I'm glad I did. The same thing happened to me (an INFJ) with my ENFP coworker. He was dating another coworker and dear friend of mine, and neither of them told me. When I found out I was so confused and hurt. I think I'm in a unique situation to help you make better choices than the ones I made.

1) I tried to limit my contact, but had the same issues with the other person not withdrawing as much. I started being very direct, saying things like, "you need to get going if you're going to make it to whatever in time." That helped. Honestly, working with him was so painful, there was very little I could do to mitigate the hurt. I hid it and did my job the best that I could.

When we stopped working together, I cut things off and left, but it meant leaving some of my closest friends as well. It was so hard, but it was what I needed to do. I didn't tell him I was in love with him, because I was a friend of his girlfriend. I wish I had though, despite the ethics. That's the best advice I can give to you: if it doesn't get better with time, make an escape plan and tell your INFJ exactly how you feel. Tell them how you felt when you met, how it kills you when they catch your eye from across the room, everything. At least that way you'll know.

2) This is such a tough question, because some days it seems like how could they not know? One thing I want you to consider, if your INFJ does know, do you really want to be with a person who puts you in that situation for any reason? T

And no, I don't think your INFJ will confront you. The reason INFJ/ENFP relationships don't work out in my experience is there is nobody being direct. We may be the theoretical "dream team," but if we keep living on this plane of emotional civility, like two people passing in a narrow hallway, each saying "excuse me" "pardon me" while nobody actually moves aside, well nothing is going to get resolved.

3) I think at the very least your INFJ is sending very mixed signals. As an ENFP with extraverted intuition as your primary function, I'd say trust it.

4) The best advice I can offer is make that escape plan, tell INFJ how you feel, and then run fast, run far. This comes from my own experience, and I'm sure yours is different in many ways. I know your job is involved and it's an uncertain time.

And one more thing. When friends would give me advice during my time in your shoes, it made me angry, because they just didn't understand how I felt, or who he was, or whatever. With time I've come to realize that they actually understood a lot. Rely on your friends to get you through this! If I can help in any other way, just ask.
 
ENFP here. I met an INFJ 2 months ago (we work together). We got on like a house on fire from the second we met, we talk about everything - philosophy, psychology, history, music, travel, MBTI lol... We share the same crazy opinions and theories about the world and other people. Things that, throughout my lifetime, I’ve hardly shared with anyone as most people think I’m a bit crazy/eccentric. I have many friends, but INFJ is the first person I’ve ever met who truly makes me feel like I’m not alone in the world.


About 2 weeks after we met, INFJ and I were discussing friendships. INFJ said they only have 1 or 2 close friends, whom they only see around once or twice a year – by choice. They said they find social interaction draining, don’t tend to “like” many people, and even the people they do like, they often find it tiring to speak to or meet up with. Then, they asked if I wanted to get brunch together at the weekend. Obviously I went, and bearing in mind what INFJ had said to me about social interaction etc, I made sure to be chilled & subdued, not wanting to drain them. I stayed quiet and let INFJ talk more than they normally do, and it was honestly amazing to see how far they came out of their shell – telling long stories animatedly, laughing loudly and unashamedly… the version of the INFJ I get when it’s just us 1 on 1 is so different to what they’re like around other people. They are so, so quiet around others but so different around me. When I realised this, I felt warm inside, grateful and lucky. One of the INFJ’s favourite things to discuss is the connection we have, its intensity, how it feels like we have ESP together. They spoke about the first time we met and how they felt like they knew me straight away (even though our interaction literally lasted 2 minutes), and also made a speech about how deeply they care for me, ending with “I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but I really like you”.


We also text a lot. I try not to initiate this too often, especially as we see each other most days anyway. INFJ sends good morning/night texts every day, and throughout the day will send memes, YouTube links (mainly to songs they think I will like), interesting articles etc. As an ENFP, this is heaven for me, and of course I reciprocate.


Now, the problem. INFJ is married. I found this out around a week or so after meeting, by which point our spark had already overwhelmed me into a crisis of feelings. I don’t know much about INFJ’s marriage as this is the one aspect of their life they don’t often open up to me about. I would never, ever get involved in someone’s marriage, so I have absolutely zero intentions of pursuing anything romantic with the INFJ. Recently, I have been trying to tone down our level of interaction, mainly because I don’t want others to perceive it as flirting. When we’re together in a room with others, I sometimes internally cringe for a second at how annoying I/we must seem, because we seem to completely drown everyone else out and get lost in each other having crazy deep conversations and then being in fits of giggles 5 mins later, and repeat. People at work have already began to comment on how close/inseparable we seem to be. If I leave the room to get coffee, INFJ follows me to join, even if their cup is still half full. People have noticed the INFJ doing this and made jokes. Also in meetings we religiously sit next to each other, and always are either touching or just-about touching while everyone else seems to be miles away from each other. The touching is the most confusing thing for me. For someone who seems so averse to being in the presence of others I do sometimes wonder why they feel the need to always be close to me and touching me? INFJ always touches my arm/back when walking past, stroking my arm to comfort me when I get stressed, etc. INFJ also likes to catch my eye from across the room, stare for a few seconds (which feel like eternity), and then wink and smile, which I have to admit fucking kills me every time.


I felt like I needed to turn down the intensity, especially after realising my feelings, because I’m worried that I’m giving myself away, which I obviously do not want to do. Every day before I get to work I promise myself that I will be chill, I try *so* hard to treat them like a normal colleague, but then I see them and everything goes out the window and I’m like an excited puppy or a teenager on a first date.


INFJ's work assignment is temporary but could be extended. So the positive is that I won’t have to deal with this forever. I just want to know how the hell to deal with this in the meantime. I need someone to tell me that I need to get a grip and stop overanalysing this. The problem is that the more I try to ignore my feelings, the more intense they get. Every time I depart from being with the INFJ I feel like I’ve just been hit by a 20 tonne truck of emotions which leads me to go home, overanalyse everything and end up questioning my entire reality.

Looking for general advice really, but my questions are as follows:

1) What strategies can I use to lessen the intensity of our interactions and the frequency of our contact, without upsetting INFJ?

2) Do you think there’s a possibility INFJ could be aware of my feelings? If so, is the INFJ likely to ever confront me about this or not?

3) Does INFJ’s behaviour hint at any kind of reciprocation of feelings or just an intense friendship? [I am fairly certain the answer to this is no, but I want to hear an objective opinion, as I feel my own judgement on the matter is extremely clouded]

4) I think this may be impossible, but how can I try to lose or lessen my feelings for INFJ?
I loved reading this... it made me miss my ENFP who isn't mine anymore. Damn we rarely give up and just have patience.. be there, don't play it cool! If they start speaking their mind infront of you.. start to RECIPROCATE. Confrontation is great way to build things together
 
I may not have the best advice for this, but i wanted to give my thoughts, since my most passionate relationship was with an ENFP.
There are so many people out there. As much as it REALLY sucks that there is a connection between you two, they are married, so i would probably keep that in mind. However, i don't think that running away is necessarily the right thing to do.
My ENFP had left me, and hadn't really explained in detail why. I don't think anything's ever crushed me as much as that. I ended up speaking to her and clearing things up, and we're now best friends who joke about our romantic attraction a lot.
It isn't maybe the healthiest thing to do, but i'm happy...
I also know that if i was giving that level of human contact to somebody, i'd have to be genuinely interested in them. It does, from what you've said, seem your INFJ has feelings too, but again, the marriage.
So, here's my final thoughts on the questions.
1. Be upfront. Tell INFJ, hey, i have feelings for you and i'm not comfortable with it because you're married, but i don't want to lose you as a friend. There is nothing i appreciate more than people being blunt. Be gentle about what you say, obviously, and only say what you truly feel comfortable with, but getting it out there hurts so much less than keeping it in.
2. INFJ will not tell you first. We don't do that when it comes to feelings. Those are our own private things. Bring it out of us.
3. I would say that actually, yes. INFJ probably does have feelings, BUT AGAIN. They are married : (
4. Well, look at the things you love the most about this INFJ, and search for another. Take your time getting to know more INFJs, if you feel that draw to them. Every human in this world is going to be complex and different - but there will be people out there similar in all the same ways you loved about them.

edit; somebody else recommended say your feelings and run, and i suggest saying them and backing yourself up to be prepared to run. Don't go until you've gotten your answer, but prepare yourself for the worst outcome

i hope this helps in some way!
 
Are you guys really encouraging OP to open up about their feelings for someone who is married? Yikes on bikes. That is some murky business. You don't know what's going on in that marriage. You don't even know for sure if the person is actually flirting with OP or if they return romantic feelings. That might be OP's affections filtering the interactions. Or if the person is flirting, you don't know if they're doing it seriously or not. It could be that they're testing the boundaries of their feelings for their spouse, or they're toeing a very inappropriate line. I know a lot of people who are cuffed who take liberties like this with their friends because they know they can fall back on their marriage. Is that cool? Well, no. And I don't know for sure if that's the case here. Still, I do caution people against type bias here. A lot of people in this community see the label 'INFJ' and think: well, no, this person couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong. Everyone knows that INFJs are pure of heart and only have the most genuine and authentic intentions... which obviously isn't the case.

But type shouldn't be relevant here. Type biases aside, you don't even know if OP's assessment is correct.

Personally, I fall back on the following axiom: friends don't get in the middle of their friends' marriages. Period. Don't invite yourself into potentially becoming a third party in someone else's relationship, especially if you're not prepared for all the possible consequences.

I think its best to treat this person as romantically unavailable and work on resolving your own feelings in a safe and separate way. If there is a potential for something, it's entirely in the married person's court... and only once they resolve their business with their spouse.

In the meantime, the best way to get some distance is to expand your social circle at work and shift your attention elsewhere -- either a new project or other work friends. You don't have to alienate your married friend, but definitely fill in your schedule with other people and projects so you limit the time you spend together until those feelings dissipate.

Tread carefully.
 
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