Hard To Read | INFJ Forum

Hard To Read

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jimtaylor

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May 19, 2010
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It’s been awhile since I last posted. I’ve been busy, long story. Anyway, I met my best friend’s girlfriend this last week and hung out with them a couple of times and I think they are great together. I think she is a really sweet, pretty and genuine girl and I am happy for him. This is why I am writing this because he shared some comments with me that just make me feel terrible.

She shared that she was concerned about me because, “I was hard to read” and she couldn’t figure out if I liked her. The sad thing is I tried pretty hard to be friendly and talked more than I usually do and asked more questions than I normally would. It was forced though and I think she picked up on that because she was really concerned that I didn’t like her. She didn’t realize it’s because I am odd. Also it didn’t help that this friend and I have been like brothers since we were 9 years old and he told her all these stories about us doing crazy stuff together. So there was a bit of pressure to impress.

Thankfully he explained to her that I am just not like most people in the fact that I am not overly expressive and that she has nothing to be concerned about. Which is true but still I feel like an ass and I don’t want the perception to be that I dislike someone when the opposite is true. As bad as it sounds, how do you get better at being more friendly and open?

I am polite to everybody but I have heard more than once that people who have known me for years still feel like I’m a stranger because I don’t share much about myself. I once had a girl tell me that even after having a 4 hour conversation with me, she didn’t know me any better because I didn’t hardly mention a thing about myself. I have tried but it comes across very creepy and weird. I tried it this last week and it felt dirty, like I was trying to turn the conversation to me and it felt very selfish or egotistical.

The same goes for the questions I tried asking her. They sounded a lot more natural in my mind but as soon as I asked them, they came across as just odd. My buddy of course laughed but I really do want to get better at this. I don’t want to be a stranger to the world but the way I am normally causes me to be that way. I am more interested in ideas, theories, stories, history, etc… than I am about myself so I never talk about myself. I think talking about things is more exciting than the party I went to this last weekend so I share those things before share what I did.

When I try to share about myself, it’s just doesn’t sound right. It lacks the genuine tone that I hear when everybody else talks about this stuff. So how do you get better at something like that? I love listening to people and it was great going to dinner with them and a bunch of other friends and being able to listen to them talk about such things but any attempt I made to join in was strained. I like people and being around people and I don’t want people thinking otherwise just because I don’t share much about myself. In fact I love people but it just doesn’t appear that way. If only everybody could just read how I write, then it would be much easier. haha
 
jimtaylor said:
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When I try to share about myself, it’s just doesn’t sound right. It lacks the genuine tone that I hear when everybody else talks about this stuff. So how do you get better at something like that? I love listening to people and it was great going to dinner with them and a bunch of other friends and being able to listen to them talk about such things but any attempt I made to join in was strained. I like people and being around people and I don’t want people thinking otherwise just because I don’t share much about myself. In fact I love people but it just doesn’t appear that way. If only everybody could just read how I write, then it would be much easier. haha
Click to expand...

I know...I know!!! If only everybody else was just like us - the world would be a better place - yes? :D

I once read Enneagram 9's are able to see others and not themselves. That they have a hard time opening up about themselves because they don't know what's there. Perhaps you are really a Nine?

Ultimately - I think the problem is you're still in the process of discovering aspects of your self to accept and love. Go inside. Find something about yourself you weren't aware of. Study it. Open up to the emotional reaction surrounding it. Forgive yourself for repressing it. Then accept the fact it is part of you. Love will flow into you when this happens. Then it gets easier to share yourself with others.
 
@jimtaylor
It sounds like you are over-analyzing the situation a bit...it sounds like she is just a little insecure and wanted to make as good of an impression on you as you did on her. Have your friend (or you can yourself if you are comfortable) explain that you are sorry if you didn't come off as genuine, that you honestly do like her and are happy for them both (if that is what you feel).
There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that sometimes you have a hard time putting your thoughts into words. I think that would give her the leeway that she needs to relax which in turn might help you relax into the conversation. Maybe? lol
She also probably has never had a real conversation with an INFJ...she may have spoken in passing, but to sit down and talk with one is another thing entirely.
Sounds like an awkward first meeting...give it some time, I'm sure both of you will find a middle ground.
I get how you are feeling...I feel that way when meeting someone too. Certain people I speak to I just cannot hold a conversation with no matter how hard I try, while others seem to come naturally.
 
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jimtaylor said:
It’s been awhile since I last posted. I’ve been busy, long story. Anyway, I met my best friend’s girlfriend this last week and hung out with them a couple of times and I think they are great together. I think she is a really sweet, pretty and genuine girl and I am happy for him. This is why I am writing this because he shared some comments with me that just make me feel terrible.

She shared that she was concerned about me because, “I was hard to read” and she couldn’t figure out if I liked her. The sad thing is I tried pretty hard to be friendly and talked more than I usually do and asked more questions than I normally would. It was forced though and I think she picked up on that because she was really concerned that I didn’t like her. She didn’t realize it’s because I am odd. Also it didn’t help that this friend and I have been like brothers since we were 9 years old and he told her all these stories about us doing crazy stuff together. So there was a bit of pressure to impress.

Thankfully he explained to her that I am just not like most people in the fact that I am not overly expressive and that she has nothing to be concerned about. Which is true but still I feel like an ass and I don’t want the perception to be that I dislike someone when the opposite is true. As bad as it sounds, how do you get better at being more friendly and open?

I am polite to everybody but I have heard more than once that people who have known me for years still feel like I’m a stranger because I don’t share much about myself. I once had a girl tell me that even after having a 4 hour conversation with me, she didn’t know me any better because I didn’t hardly mention a thing about myself. I have tried but it comes across very creepy and weird. I tried it this last week and it felt dirty, like I was trying to turn the conversation to me and it felt very selfish or egotistical.

The same goes for the questions I tried asking her. They sounded a lot more natural in my mind but as soon as I asked them, they came across as just odd. My buddy of course laughed but I really do want to get better at this. I don’t want to be a stranger to the world but the way I am normally causes me to be that way. I am more interested in ideas, theories, stories, history, etc… than I am about myself so I never talk about myself. I think talking about things is more exciting than the party I went to this last weekend so I share those things before share what I did.

When I try to share about myself, it’s just doesn’t sound right. It lacks the genuine tone that I hear when everybody else talks about this stuff. So how do you get better at something like that? I love listening to people and it was great going to dinner with them and a bunch of other friends and being able to listen to them talk about such things but any attempt I made to join in was strained. I like people and being around people and I don’t want people thinking otherwise just because I don’t share much about myself. In fact I love people but it just doesn’t appear that way. If only everybody could just read how I write, then it would be much easier. haha
Click to expand...

Been there done that. I have to admit that over time I simply dont care anymore. This is the funny part though, if a person thinks you dont like them, they dont like you back. Seems to be a self defense mechanism or something. So, I find there are at least a few women who dont like me (have more than a few words to say about me behind my back) who other than the obvious childish response toward me, I like well enough, I just kind of keep it a secret. In this regard one would think that actions speak louder than words but with women, this does not seem to be true. Most women seem to think you are supposed to be flirting with them most of the time...like you would sleep with them if you could. Im just not one to pretend or flirt when friends are involved.
 
Kgal said:
I know...I know!!! If only everybody else was just like us - the world would be a better place - yes? :D

I once read Enneagram 9's are able to see others and not themselves. That they have a hard time opening up about themselves because they don't know what's there. Perhaps you are really a Nine?

Ultimately - I think the problem is you're still in the process of discovering aspects of your self to accept and love. Go inside. Find something about yourself you weren't aware of. Study it. Open up to the emotional reaction surrounding it. Forgive yourself for repressing it. Then accept the fact it is part of you. Love will flow into you when this happens. Then it gets easier to share yourself with others.
Click to expand...

The trick is, talk about the weather or other things that dont matter like actors and actresses, what they think about the world and what they are doing. If you are a guy, talk about sports as if you created them all. Never NEVER talk about things that really matter in the world because thats just f'ing strange.
 
My best friends aren't sure if I like them so I can't give you much advice on the subject.
 
On one hand I agree with previous comments about staying true to yourself and not changing for others (after all, I've never found silence awkward, and what's so great about small talk anyway?) However, being more approachable and contributing to conversations is a valuable life skill that will aid you in a world of other personalities that would understand your communication style as cold.
All I can say is, it takes practice. Small talk used to pain me, but after years of practice and a job in customer service that demanded that I be charming and friendly, I've improved. Overall, it's been a valuable skill for coping in social settings with people I've just met.

Unfortunately, many other types see things like strong communication skills as a sign of maturity and intelligence. It's a good skill to learn for the sake of your relations with others, as mentioned.

"Hard to read" would still describe me though. I identified with you when you said you love to listen but don't feel the need to contribute. Friends have always been attracted to me as a confidant and a strong intuition lets us read people, but there is still a great depth of myself that even my closest friends don't see. Stay true to yourself!
 
I kind of have the opposite problem - people think I like them too much. I tend to be really focused on people, and bring them out of their shells, and have them talk about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves I've found, so I just keep asking them questions and they almost always answer. Sometimes I do take it a bit too far and get too personal, which actually happened with someone last night when I asked her a question and she said "Wow, that's really personal." Oops. But done in moderation, if you can get people to talk about themselves and if you are really interested in what they have to say, they think you like them, even if you don't say anything about yourself.
 
[MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION] I have read the description for the 9 and I do see it but I don’t know if it is my nature to be that way or if it has just been caused by my life experiences. I have been doing an exercise to help me in such situations to figure out what is causing me to hide away from sharing. When I start feeling anxious, out-of-place, etc… I try to think why; either later or in the moment. I did so in this event.

What I have come to realize about the feeling that causes me to hesitate is the feeling of not being able to relate. For example, during dinner they were all laughing and telling stories about their families. I loved listening and I really wanted to join into the conversation but because of the broken home I come from, I couldn’t join in. This is the case a lot of the time as a lot of my life since I was 9 years old has been relatively negative.

I sat there trying to think of one happy and funny memory with my family that I could share and I couldn’t think of one that wouldn’t lead to an awkward moment because almost all of them involved my two brothers who are no longer alive.

It’s the realization that the last 15 years of my life have for the most part have just been a struggle and any excitement has been because something bad has happened. While they were spending their youth making stories and living, I spent mine just trying to mitigate the negative impacts of traumatic events. I was always trying to escape and that led me to focusing all my energy on those things I mentioned in my previous post.

Academics, knowledge and mediating became my coping mechanism. So I don’t share because those moments I can be around happy people, I value more than I can express and I don’t want to ruin the moment. My life is something you might find interesting if you were reading it in a novel but it’s depressing in almost every other setting. Those moments when I am with people and listening to their stories, I realize that they all have their problems but still have had joyous moments in their lives. It motivates me to get to the point where I have more than just stories of tragedy.

Like I said, I am friendly to almost everybody and people share a lot with me but I rarely share back. It’s a leftover of the life I have been fighting to escape. I keep everything close and guarded because I had to and I don’t want to be that way anymore. I don’t want to have to hide every emotion and every fear out of fear that it will be used to manipulate me by the people I care about the most.

So [MENTION=9054]BrightWhiteHeart[/MENTION] you’re right and I do appreciate the long and well thought out reply. I have taken a lot of your advice to heart and I appreciate the time it takes to write something like that for a complete stranger. “I find that not being willing to share yourself with others sends a signal that you don't *want* to share yourself with others. Not that it's true. But, people like connecting with each other, and it's hard to connect to someone that isn't sharing anything.”

I think you are absolutely right and that’s part of the problem. I do want to share but I don’t so it doesn’t matter what my intent is because what is perceived and understood is that I am a polite and proper but also distant and impersonal. That couldn’t be any more opposite of my inner thoughts where I seek and desire deep connections with people but after being guarded for so long, I can’t explain how difficult it is to open up.

Especially, when I start thinking about all that I have kept in and realize just how depressing it would be to share it. There is also still the fear of the immature child in me that by sharing any of it, people would like at me as a lesser. That they would look at me and think they have to be gentle and delicate and protect me from any more negativity. I don’t want that, I just want to share it so that I feel like I am hiding from people or that I hate people.

You should hear me try to compliment someone. It’s like dragging nails across a chalkboard times ten.
 
[MENTION=9054]BrightWhiteHeart[/MENTION]
It’s so funny how sometimes you will read a book that will just completely relate to what you are feeling in the moment. Last night a girl I have had an off and on, up and down relationship for the last 3 ½ years (we have talked about her before [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION]) told me I should read a book that she read and was actually really moved by. She immediately put some disclaimers up because of the title. It’s called, “The Girlfriend Game” and it was an amazing read, especially the last few pages. It’s free on the Nook store if anybody wants to read it. It’s a very quick read; I read it in like an hour. Its 90 something pages.

The book gave some very simple advice that I needed to understand for myself. “You’re going to die”. It’s inevitable, each and every single one of us are going to die. No matter what we do, it’s going to happen. The very few seconds I have cannot be wasted in fear as fear is just a construct of the mind. Something designed in our evolution to protect ourselves from dangers but it can also be something that causes us to die long before our deaths.

I related to the writer in many ways, especially the mindset about himself. I have never really thought myself good looking though people have told me I am. I always just think they are being nice. I am intelligent, a nerd, a geek etc… but I don’t really take pride in that fact because I think people will find it boring. I am decent writer but again don’t share it because of what other people think. This is the mindset that has to change to have the confidence to open with others.

I have to realize that I do have something to share, that nobody else has and not everybody will appreciate it but enough will. I don’t know why but being reminded of my mortality made me understand it in a way I couldn’t before. I think I have gotten so caught up in thinking about what bills I have to pay, what I have to do to have success, etc… that it didn’t sink in.
 
Chase your tail for too long and you get dizzy.
 
Politeness =/= friendly.

Worry less about being polite.
Sometimes talk about yourself or the party you went to, while examining facial expression and body language of others. The story will entertain them and the 'inner chat' of emotion will entertain you :)
 
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