Why is validation from others so important?

[jupiterswoon]

How does it affect one as an INFJ, and how does it affect other types? Are certain types more likely to crave it? Or is a need for validation a part of the human condition? Have you known people who don't need validation? What kinds of validation do you need in your own personal life (emotional validation, mental validation, physical/attractive validation)? How do you think that this might affect your own behavior?

 

[Rift Zone]

I would have serious issues if I needed validation. I would appreciate being appreciated but I don't get to share my personal triumphs or what's new and wonderful in my world.

 

[bagelriffic]

Because the alternative to a life of validation is to live like you are dying.

[video]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1E-bZo7ho6w[/video]

 

[sprinkles]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_validation

Social proof, also known as informational social influence, is a psychological phenomenon where people assume the actions of others in an attempt to reflect correct behavior for a given situation. This effect is prominent in ambiguous social situations where people are unable to determine the appropriate mode of behavior, and is driven by the assumption that surrounding people possess more knowledge about the situation.

The effects of social influence can be seen in the tendency of large groups to conform to choices which may be either correct or mistaken, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as herd behavior. Although social proof reflects a rational motive to take into account the information possessed by others, formal analysis shows that it can cause people to converge too quickly upon a single choice, so that decisions of even large groups of individuals may be grounded in very little information (see information cascades).

Social proof is a type of conformity. When a person is in a situation where they are unsure of the correct way to behave, they will often look to others for cues concerning the correct behavior. When "we conform because we believe that other's interpretation of an ambiguous situation is more accurate than ours and will help us choose an appropriate course of action,"[1] it is informational social influence. This is contrasted with normative social influence wherein a person conforms to be liked or accepted by others.

Social proof often leads not only to public compliance (conforming to the behavior of others publicly without necessarily believing it is correct) but also private acceptance (conforming out of a genuine belief that others are correct).[2] Social proof is more powerful when being accurate is more important and when others are perceived as especially knowledgeable.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normative_Social_Influence

Normative social influence is a type of social influence leading to conformity. It is defined as "the influence of other people that leads us to conform in order to be liked and accepted by them".[1] Normative social influence's power stems from the human identity as a social creature, with a need for companionship and association.[2] This fact often leads to people exhibiting public compliance–but not necessarily private acceptance–of the group's social norms in order to be accepted by the group. Social norms refers to the unwritten rules that govern social behavior.[3] These are customary standards for behavior that are widely shared by members of a culture.[3]

 

[La Sagna]

On Oprah’s final episode of her wildly popular TV show, she highlighted the importance of validation: “I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show,” she said, “and all 30,000 had one thing in common. They all wanted validation.”

Validation. What is it? It’s getting feedback from others that “what I do and what I say matters to you. You hear me. You see me. You think of me. You thank me. You acknowledge my accomplishments. You appreciate my efforts.”

The opposite of validation? Non-recognition. “I don’t give a damn what you want, what you say, what you think. Who cares? You’re overreacting. You’re nuts. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I can't imagine anybody not wanting some form of validation, although the type of validation that different types of people need varies greatly.

If you have low self-esteem then your need for validation can be exaggerated to the point of being unhealthy. If you have good self-esteem you can be ok without having constant validation from others, but even with high self-esteem if the people that you have relationships with in your life never give you positive validation then you will be negatively affected in a very significant way. I went through a period of my life where this was the case for me and because I have good implicit self-esteem I came out ok but it was a very low point in my life that I had to find a way to escape from.

So, I think everybody needs at least some form of positive validation from the people in their lives, but it is unhealthy to need it from everybody you engage with or to need it from people who really shouldn't matter.

 

[LucyJr]

Because validation is tied to contentement and acceptance, joy. We are social creatures, not lone wolfs. The natural condition of humanity is community, not loneliness.

I think there are also some things that go hand in hand in humans craving from validation.
First is respect. Respect is by its very nature, a validation from other people. Of course, there is also self-respect, but I think you can have all self-respect in the world and its useless and possibly a illsuion if you don't have respect from other people. Criminals have self-respect from themselfs. But they live in a illuion, for there is nothing worthy to be repected in them. If you make yor own values, you stay to your own values, you work for your own values, what is there hard to gain respect for? If my values are only my values, of course I dedulde myself that i don't need any validation and I have self-respect for me.

Secondly, I think validation goes hand in hand with honesty and honour. I think we humans have a craving to be on the same level with other people. If we lie, cheat, act in dishonesty, with tricks and manipulation, seeking power for selfsih reasons, these actions, which in the short run would seem good and efficient, would show their disfunctionality and bad efficienty in the long run.

So I think we want validation because because it goes hand in hand with truthfulness. You feel good if you are checked. If you check yourself, you will probably lose your mind, as it happened with many "wise" people.

 

[LucyJr]

Because the alternative to a life of validation is to live like you are dying.

[video]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1E-bZo7ho6w[/video]

I thumbed your post, because what you said "the alternative to a life of validation is to live like you are dying" seemed true to me.
But then I watched the video, and I kind of disagree with it
"All context is artificial, there is no true context"

"There is a underlying unity in all things" - if this is true, context is everything;
This is a very dangerous affirmation, for it leads to the logical conclusion that everything is whithout context. But if everything is whithout context, everything is meaningless, truth is a illusion, and "enlightement" is a illusion too.
If there is no true context, enlightement is whithout context in relation to be defined with. But then what is enlightement? The "fix point" of all knowledge?

 

[j654dgj7]

I highly recommend Ernest Becker's masterpiece "The Denial of Death" for a very good theory about the needs of the psyche:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Denial_of_Death

We need motivation and validation from others to keep up our "hero" mindset. If we don't get it, then we slip into the state of depression where we are ultimately left pondering death and it's consequences. We need to be heroes in our own minds for us to be distracted from thoughts about death. We buy iPod's, computers, fashionable clothes, whatever you might fancy, just so we are distracted from thinking about death for a little while longer.

 

[flower]

I think everyone wants to feel ''special''. Also because of our society tells us that we have to be ''this'' or ''that'' or otherwise we aren't ''good enough''. Media is bad at that. But I believe it's a much deeper subject and can't be blamed just by society or media.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I would have serious issues if I needed validation. I would appreciate being appreciated but I don't get to share my personal triumphs or what's new and wonderful in my world.

Would you like a thumbs-up for letting us know how much you don't need validation?

 

[Rift Zone]

Would you like a thumbs-up for letting us know how much you don't need validation?

I think the only people who don't need validation are true sociopaths. I'm a romantic at heart, I just want to be loved! =) What I described above is an unfortunate curse of my identity. Not being able to share your being with others isn't anything to be proud of. That post originated in sorrow. (INFJs don't seem to read me well unless they can see my body language. ProTip: I rarely have the same motivations found in most people.)

 

[LucyJr]

I think the only people who don't need validation are true sociopaths. I'm a romantic at heart, I just want to be loved! =) What I described above is an unfortunate curse of my identity. Not being able to share your being with others isn't anything to be proud of. That post originated in sorrow. (INFJs don't seem to read me well unless they can see my body language. ProTip: I rarely have the same motivations found in most people.)

"True sociopaths" don't exist. They are just people who are moraly disfunctional.
If there is a strong authority, with clearly defined rules, there wouldn't be any sociopath.
I think sociopaths exists as a downfall of democracy.

 

[Rift Zone]

"True sociopaths" don't exist. They are just people who are moraly disfunctional.
If there is a strong authority, with clearly defined rules, there wouldn't be any sociopath.
I think sociopaths exists as a downfall of democracy.

I disagree. I concur, it's a dysfunctionality! But it is a real and legitimate dysfunctionality. Whether born or made, they exist.

I don't think clearly defined laws is the issue. I think the quality of the laws, indeed the quality of society in general has the potential to create them. I would agree most sociopaths exists thanks to issues inherent in our approach to society.

 

[LucyJr]

I disagree. I concur, it's a dysfunctionality! But it is a real and legitimate dysfunctionality. Whether born or made, they exist.

I don't think clearly defined laws is the issue. I think the quality of the laws, indeed the quality of society in general has the potential to create them. I would agree most sociopaths exists thanks to issues inherent in our approach to society.

I would say that is a behavioural disfunctionality (or moral disfunctionality), meaning that sociopaths are sociaopaths because they want and chose to be sociopaths, not because other reasons.

 

[lillyith]

How does it affect one as an INFJ, and how does it affect other types?

Speaking for myself, I find myself needing a lot of validation even though I put up an "I don't care" front (I'm sure others can see through it though). Most of the NTs I know don't outwardly need validation from others the same way I do, but they need reassurance from their loved ones. My ISTP dad similarly doesn't care, nor does my ISFP sister. My ExFJ mom cares a lot though, so I assume it's a FJ thing? At least the tendency to extrovert their need for validation.

Are certain types more likely to crave it? Or is a need for validation a part of the human condition?

From most to least:
xxFJ
xxFP
xxTP
xxTJ

This is what I have observed.

Have you known people who don't need validation?

Yeah, but I'm sure they at least need a *little* validation. It's a human thing.

What kinds of validation do you need in your own personal life (emotional validation, mental validation, physical/attractive validation)? How do you think that this might affect your own behavior?

Mostly I need validation from people who have opinions I value. I need their validation on my work/ideas (ex: needing them to think a piece of my writing or art is good). Sometimes I need validation that my outfit for certain days isn't ridiculous and looks ok. Um... In relationships I need validation every once and a while that they still find me attractive and interesting, but for the most part I can tell when they find me still appealing or not so that's only when I'm feeling especially shitty about myself.

 

[Eventhorizon]

If we look at humans as having undergone the same evolutionary process all other things on this planet have done, the answer may lie there. Humans could not survive on their own 40,000+ years ago. They had to group together to survive. The need for validation may come from the fact that people want to be recognized as having value to another person or group so that they are not “kicked” out to have to fend for themselves. There are a bunch of things built into our brains that evolution put there over millions upon millions of years.

 

[CogentPursuit]

From most to least:
xxFJ
xxFP
xxTP
xxTJ

Non confident xxTP generally needs intellectual validation. It is very important how this is done. Simply stating they are smart will actually be insulting.




Validation is a measure of confidence.

I personally don't need or even like validation. I am what I am and can accept that.
I like criticism. It is helpful is knowing me. In some cases when given praise, I might be concerned that I may have given them the wrong impression and in others I think they are simply trying to be diplomatic. If i did something right, I don't mind it being validated as long as supportive evidence backs it up so I know why they think this.

Also our qualities are so complex that most statements don't give any useful information. Example "You are smart." In what, computers, floral arrangements, a musical genius? In comparison to what.... A professional? Your grandma? Your 3 year old child? Most people you have met who play music, being 2 people?

Finally I know if I am well I do at something and don't need to be told I am doing it well. I don't care if I am better than anyone or not. I only care that I can get better than I am.

 

[barbad0s]

How much validation can we get for letting on as little as possible of our desire for it? maybe is the name of the game

 

[jupiterswoon]

I would have serious issues if I needed validation. I would appreciate being appreciated but I don't get to share my personal triumphs or what's new and wonderful in my world.

I can definitely relate to and appreciate what you are saying.

 

[jupiterswoon]

Would you like a thumbs-up for letting us know how much you don't need validation?

I think he was just making a point that he isn't in a situation where he gets a lot of validation from those around him, and therefore that if he really needed validation, he would be screwed.