Parents are people...with their own notions and beliefs about parenting, children, family, life, society etc. They have their own personality, values, skills, idiosyncracies, desires, needs, strengths, weaknesses, aspirations, and past story. They have their own parents to contend with
Much of what people learn is from their parents and other adults in their environment. When they start interacting with peers, they learn new information...but this is often filtered through the information learned from the parents and caregivers. When they are grown, they may not know how much of what they understand as 'real' is because of what their parents taught them, and what they have learned on their own, for their own reasons.
Parents are responsible for the current state of our world. Parents fuck shit up.
In saying that, many parents are simply doing the best they can, according to their knowledge, values, and beliefs.
Caring and providing for a child is, in my opinion, the most difficult and rewarding thing in the world. It is a lot of responsibility to be personally responsible for another's life.
People respond to this responsibility in many different ways. Some ignore it. Some embrace it. Some try to make their kids into themselves. Or into better versions of themselves. Or into what they consider 'good citizens'. Or into whatever their preconcieved notion of good parent/good child is. A lot of people copy what their parents did. Many also do the opposite of what their parents did. Some learn and adapt. Some teach their children mainly how to 'survive' in this dangerous world. Some copy their friends. Some copy whats popular. Others learn everything they can and try to raise their kids in the most informed way they can. Some follow their heart. Some recognise that their children are people too, and try to nurture them in any way they can. Most people do a mixture of all these things. Some people see their children as an unwanted burden, they may verbally abuse then, treat their children as a punching bag, as servants, as enemies. Some see their children as divine beings, and see their care and the relationship as a profoundly creative friendship.
It can be difficult for the parent to see their child as a person, and for the child to see the parent as a person. Recognising this and being able to let go of roles occasionally can be extremely beneficial. Many people are better with their friends and colleagues than they are with their children
There is so much to the parent/child relationship it would be take a book to go through all the pertinent information.
But fundamentally, having a child is creating a person that is born utterly helpless, that you are responsible for, but cannot and do not control, and that other people will judge you for, and that is at the mercy of the world. The parent/child relationship explores just about every aspect of life and human experience because of this dynamic. Children learn constantly, and often parents model behaviour they do not want the child to learn. The child tests just about eveything the parent believe simply by existing. Everything is often seen through fresh eyes when we are responsible for a child. The world starts again. And a new level of fear and powerlessness is introduced. Realationships, partnerships, and friendships are challenged and redefined in the new context. And in many cases, there is a new extraordinary love that is beyond words and a feeling of 'posessiveness' that is utterly overwhelming. The parent is often required to make adaptations, sacrifices, and to a large extent, lose their independance.
The issue of control is very important in this relationship, moreso than in other relationships. Often responsibility/power/control/authority are all interconnected. It gets messy when applied to children, that are essentially innocent and ignorant, and at the mercy of the parents and immediate environment. When teaching their children, many people use the methods that they believe and know, and often the 'easiest'...which is fear, competition, bribery, and punishment. Although positive reinforcement and observational learning are the easiest and best ways to teach information, these methods also require much more self awareness, responsibility, effort, compassion, and patience from the parent. Kids can be difficult, as they are often at the mercy of their emotions...and it can be easy and natural for some people to react in anger or frustration. Which ofcourse then effects/affects the child in various ways. And so it goes. Some parents seem to be literally engaged in a battle of wits with the child, which may further increase the feeling of competition/supression and asserting/losing power and control. It get ugly. Lessons get learned. And then practiced in the school environment. And then these children grow up...and may teach their children the same beliefs and behaviours....And thus we end up with the sort of culture we live in.
In my opinion, i believe that children are innocent, perfect, and have unlimited potential. I dont believe in punishment. Teach through modeling behavior, reinforcement, and logic and reason. Children are extraordinarly wise and have much to teach us. Love, friendship, respect, support, honesty, and guidance is my ideal model for parenting. Love and compassion is everything, and helping the person become independant, capable, responsible....and in the end...simply happy. Its critical to respect that they are their own person, are allowed to make their own mistakes and learn things their own way. And that they may not be like you, they may have different desires and beliefs, and at times they may blame you, and not like you. Honesty and giving children their own 'space' is a vital part of respecting them as people.
A big part of being a good parent is understanding and forgiving your own parents. And becoming your own parent...caring for yourself the way you may have needed or wanted your parent to.
