[INFJ] Why i feel scared when he ask me to marry him

[Sarah Fauziyyah F]

oh hi.. I'm new here..
sorry but i need some advices about my realtionship.. i hope there anyone who can give me some advices or share their experiences..
My man ask me to marry him..
But my reaction is a bit weird or i dont know.. Rather than happy and feel buterfly in my stomach.. i feel more anxious and a bit scared..
it is normal for a woman to feel that way?
i do love him..and i know he loves me too.. he never did something that make me hate him or etc..
but i think i dont deserve someone as nice as him.. and i feel like i was lacking for him..
this feeling of "..i'm not good enough.." and etc playing and messing with my mind..
what should i do??

 

[slant]

but i think i dont deserve someone as nice as him.. and i feel like i was lacking for him..
this feeling of "..i'm not good enough.." and etc playing and messing with my mind..
what should i do??

This is low self esteem/ low self worth. I would recommend working on this.

Truthfully, if you have low self esteem or low self worth being married is going to be challenging for you. Being in any type of relationship is going to be challenging, really. Not being confident in yourself and not loving yourself will sabotage any happiness in your life and it might result in this other person "propping you up" or being the main source of your self esteem which is extremely codependent and unhealthy.

*Everyone* is scared to get married. Anything that's a major life choice naturally will scare anyone.

What's most concerning here is your lack of faith in yourself.

If I were you? Don't get married until you feel you are good enough for him and that you deserve his love. Work on yourself. You may even have to take a break from the relationship to do this. But YOU are the most important person in your life! Love YOURSELF first and foremost!

 

[Lady Jolanda]

i feel more anxious and a bit scared..
it is normal for a woman to feel that way?

It's normal for anyone to feel that way, gender has nothing to do with it. My brother is getting married next week and he's scared. He also loves his girlfriend and she loves him.

That said...

i do love him..and i know he loves me too..

You know it, but you don't feel it. Not at the moment anyway.

but i think i dont deserve someone as nice as him.. and i feel like i was lacking for him..
this feeling of "..i'm not good enough.." and etc playing and messing with my mind..
what should i do??

You can't receive his love, and that's why you feel as though you don't deserve him. You can't receive it because something inside you is blocking it. What do you feel is missing? Don't think about it for too long, just note what comes to your mind first.

No one can tell you what you should do. We can offer perspectives and advice, but that's about it. It wouldn't even be moral to tell you what to do; it's your life, we don't have to live with the consequences.

 

[Korg]

Rather than happy and feel buterfly in my stomach.. i feel more anxious and a bit scared..

I would strongly urge you to listen to your intuition. It doesn't necessarily mean he's the wrong person or marriage is a bad idea. It could mean you feel undeserving or anything else, really.

I'm not officially married, but I have lived with the same woman for several years and I can tell you this: whatever relationship problems and issues you had before will be amplified once you're married / living together. That also goes for friends that become roommates.

 

[Asa]

Hello, @sarah,

You should wait. Although it is natural for people to feel some anxiety as the wedding approaches (jitters, cold feet, etc), your automatic response to getting engaged should not be fear or anxiety. You should feel happiness and excitement. It should be something you've been looking forward to.
If you think you will want to marry him in the future, make it clear that you do want to marry him, but you want to wait, or have an elongated engagement.

You need to work on your self esteem issues, and spend more time making sure this is the right relationship to spend the rest of your life committed to.

Honestly, I think if your response to this possibility is to ask strangers on a forum what you should do, the answer is probably, "No."

My apologies for being blunt. I wish you true happiness with yourself, your life, and in your marriage, whether your marriage is with this person or not.

 

[David54]

I'm going to echo what has already been said. If you are not certain you want this, then wait until you are. Perhaps some work on self esteem is in order. Nervous is a natural state before marriage, but the feelings you are expressing sound like warning signs of trouble ahead.

 

[Ren]

Hello, @sarah,

You should wait. Although it is natural for people to feel some anxiety as the wedding approaches (jitters, cold feet, etc), your automatic response to getting engaged should not be fear or anxiety. You should feel happiness and excitement. It should be something you've been looking forward to.
If you think you will want to marry him in the future, make it clear that you do want to marry him, but you want to wait, or have an elongated engagement.

You need to work on your self esteem issues, and spend more time making sure this is the right relationship to spend the rest of your life committed to.

Honestly, I think if your response to this possibility is to ask strangers on a forum what you should do, the answer is probably, "No."

My apologies for being blunt. I wish you true happiness with yourself, your life, and in your marriage, whether your marriage is with this person or not.

I have the same exact same perspective as @Asa.

 

[Sarah Fauziyyah F]

Thanks for the advices all..
i asked it here because i need others perspective that more logical.. i asked my friends already, but still i need advices from others without the judgemental feeling..
and more or less they said the same about the lack self esteem.. and some over think and over analyze.
i think i need to work on tle low self esteem and better talk to him in person about this..