Why are you misunderstood | INFJ Forum

Why are you misunderstood

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jan 13, 2012.

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  1. Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    Many of us often feel misunderstood in some way. What do people misunderstand about you and why does it matter.
     
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  2. Rasmus

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    I think people most often misunderstand what I am feeling and why I
     
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  3. Sai

    Sai Community Member

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    Well, nobody really understands how i feel and why. My family are completely insensitive and some of them are really selfish. They also arent able to understand what ive been through because of our different kinds of life.
     
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  4. Sensiko

    Sensiko Permanent Fixture

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    i feel that people are intimidated of me IRL. i've been told i'm friendly and approachable, but i know i've got the whole aloof/see through you infx thing going on.
    ...but this is true of men especially :::sigh::: i don't mean for that to sound conceited, just tragic

    EDIT: upon further though it may just be because i have a 130# rottweiler walking beside me.
     
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    #4 Sensiko, Jan 13, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2012
  5. Sriracha

    Sriracha Not here.
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    I've come to realize this: People who are driven by emotions are misunderstood. Why? They lack predictability. That's pretty much it.
     
  6. Kgal

    Kgal Magic Star Dust
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    Right now my Mom and sister are misunderstanding my lack of grieving over Dad. My views on death are so radically different than theirs I'm sure they think I'm weird.

    The reason I wish they understood me more - right now - is that if they could grasp what I see/feel they would have more peace in their lives right now. Then I wouldn't feel like I'm always on the outside looking in....and witnessing their intense pain. Then their grieving would unfold in a natural and healthy way for them instead of being choked off and locked within them.
    Sigh...
     
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  7. Bollington

    Bollington Regular Poster

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    People quite often misunderstand why I'm distant and want to be alone sometimes. On top of that, my family have never, and probably will never understand all the pain that I carry around with me.

    I guess it's important because although there's sometimes a small feeling of satisfaction (for want of another word) when you look around and realise that you are different to most people, I'd also like to be accepted at some point in my life and not have to explain myself all the time or apologise for acting the way that I do. I respect that other people can have radically different lifestyles to mine, so when I'm not hurting anyone else, why should mine be such a problem? This has always been an issue in relationships, annoyingly :(

    Also, to Kgal, I'm sorry for your loss and hope that your family all find peace in time. I'm no expert by any means, but grief is an incredibly hard thing for some people to deal with, although they should understand that you being different doesn't mean any less depth of feeling or connection.

    (Oh, and beautiful picture by the way on your avatar thingy)
     
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  8. Kgal

    Kgal Magic Star Dust
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    Thanks Bollington. [MENTION=1939]Stu[/MENTION] found the avatar pic for me and I agree it is beautiful in an earthy organic way. :)

    You are quite right in thinking Grief is incredibly hard for people to process in a healthy way. My family's culture is famous for pretending all pain should be ignored and stuffed away in a box. I found myself locked and stuck for a long long time until I finally learned the value of grieving and allowing my emotions to unfold.
    You know how it is...though...most people see others through their own filters of understanding and when a person doesn't match their ideas of what's right....well...then...you are suspect. Family is no different - even while they express they love you....they don't understand.

    And yes....If you respect their views...why is it they cannot respect yours.

    I find it intriguing you mention all the pain you carry around with you. I have also had this experience my entire life....and there is no one root cause such as trauma or abuse. I've made comments to others before such as:
    "Can't you feel the World is crying?" ....and I get met with blank stares.
    I long to find someone else on this planet that can walk beside me and nod their head "Yes" when I make statements such as that.
    Being misunderstood creates loneliness.

    Thank you for your compassionate empathy.
     
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  9. FamineGT

    FamineGT Regular Poster

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    I find one of the main reasons for myself is the challenge of verbally communicating my thoughts and feelings to others.

    Sometimes I can't find the right words to say at that moment.
    Sometimes my body language gives off a different message compared to what I'm actually saying.
    Sometimes the people around me are caught up in their own thoughts and conversations so I keep quiet to not add to the confusion and chaos.
    Sometimes I feel the people around me won't really understand and it's not worth the effort in explaining things to them.

    It matters because I think it's nice when someone understands your situation. People can become closer over shared/relatable experiences. Part of the reason why we like certain songs, stories, movies, etc. is because we can personally relate to it. In the end, it matters because we want to be understood and appreciated.
     
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  10. Bollington

    Bollington Regular Poster

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    If anything, family are sometimes the worst offenders, because they're the ones that growing up you think will understand most and be there for you when everything gets difficult... so the betrayal feels all the worse when it comes from your own core group of people. However, that said, perhaps it's just an inevitability. In the long-term, it's just to know who you can lean on and who you can't, who you can tell certain things to and who might give you a look as though you should be locked up. The important thing is how you feel (very cheesy statement, so please let me off!) and what you think is the right thing to be doing with your life.

    I can really relate to what you say about wanting to find someone who understands stuff like that. Sometimes I feel that I'm going to have to spend my whole life searching, and still not find someone who will appreciate my mindset and feel what I feel; however, there are a hell of a lot of people out there, so there must be someone... Life, to me, is one bit of suffering after another, but there are some amazing people out there, hidden behind the losers!
     
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  11. FamineGT

    FamineGT Regular Poster

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    I find that when you get older, you start to see some of the limitations of the understanding and help that your family can provide from you. Since you're around them more often, you can be a better judge of their character and personality and lower the expectations accordingly. Trial and expereince also helps in determining this. For myself, I know that my parents will understand certain aspects, but not all, of life in North America since they came from another country. My sisters will understand things based on their life expereinces and the way they think about certain situations. For both, I pick and choose my topics carefully when I need their support and/or understanding.

    This is a really sad/depressing thread reading some of the other posts. Touching on some of them:

    [MENTION=4992]Sai[/MENTION], It's kind of what I mentioned above. They might be selfish because of certain situations that happend in their lives. It's good that you're aware of it, though it doesn't help your situation much except to lower your expectations of them. You can also judge if explaining things to them would make a difference or not. You also have us in the forums! ^^

    [MENTION=4459]Sensiko[/MENTION], the rottweiler would probably intimidate me. ^^

    [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION], I'm sorry to hear about your father. When tragedy occurs within the family or close friends, I tend to support those in the initial grieving period as opposed to my own personal grief which I tend to internalize until in private. That type of reaction can also make some people criticize my lack of grieving, but it's not an accurate barometer of what we really feel inside. Thinking about your situation with your mom and sister, I had a friend who passed away ten years ago. His father and sister have been able to adjust but his mom is still grieving over the loss of her son. The father and sister not only had to sort out their own emotions, but they've also been looking out for the mom as well. It's tough to imagine how it's been for them all this time, and I hope that this situation doesn't happen with you.

    [MENTION=5060]Bollington[/MENTION], It's tough when people don't have that insight, knowledge and/or respect about you and it makes it frustrating. I've had the same situation regarding relationships as well. When the last ex told me she cheated on me, I didn't even flinch. She commented that it was a sign of me not caring about her, but she didn't realize that in my mind at the time, I was trying to sort out her support system knowing that the relationship was pretty much over and she didn't have many other people to turn to. She always found it hard that she couldn't tell what I was thinking/feeling during the relationship. Thankfully I have friends that, although they might not understand me 100%, the parts they do understand I'm grateful for. Every little bit helps. ^^
     
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  12. Bollington

    Bollington Regular Poster

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    To FamineGT (incidentally, how do you do that @ linking thing?),

    Your initial post is sad but familiar at the same time. It's a horrible feeling being misunderstood, ignored, or just simply knowing that there's no point saying anything to a group of people. I suppose that's why I hold only a select few people close to my heart and largely disregard the rest (not in a cold way, just in a practical way).

    You're absolutely right about family, and this is why I can accept them the way they are now (although only in the last couple of years have I been able to do this) but years ago I found them a major cause of my emotional state and a lot of my problems. Sometimes I worry about having children of my own, because I'd much rather not create any hurt at all if I thought I might repeat the behaviour of my parents when I was in my teenage years.

    With regard to your final paragraph, it's good to have friends who understand what's going on, even if their understanding only covers some of what's going on. I try and be as open as I can be in long-term relationships, but I also find that people don't/can't understand what I'm feeling or thinking. It's frustrating! I guess at least on some level it makes life more interesting, even if it is so horrible a lot of the time!!
     
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  13. FamineGT

    FamineGT Regular Poster

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    Hey Bollington. You can just type it exactly the way it looks when you make your reply. It'll tag the person automatically. Just make sure the spelling is right though. ^^

    I'm still having issues with one of my sisters, but the rest of the family I've been able to manage/adjust accordingly. In regards to your comment about having children, I have the same thoughts as well and wonder what they'll think of their dad and why he's so lame. ^^ What I've found (also from experience with my own parents) is that when they (your children) hit a certain age, communication can make a world of difference. When my dad tells me stories about his past, I get a better understanding of who he is as a person. When I got punished for doing something wrong, I was usually told the reason why. When my dad/mom complains about the other's shortcomings/faults, etc., I keep mental notes of the specifics, and in general, the point that they're not perfect. ^^

    I guess even with the relationships, as long as they can sort of grasp the basics then it isn't too bad. They may not understand exactly what you're thinking/feeling but if they know that you're not going to cheat on them or anything, it's a good start. ^^ I guess what's important for the partner to understand is that:

    a) It's not a personal slight if they don't know/understand what you're thinking.
    b) You still love and appreciate them anyway.
    c) You consider your partner important to you.
    d) You may not be the greatest at showing it. ^^
     
  14. Sai

    Sai Community Member

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    [MENTION=3493]FamineGT[/MENTION]
    umm i think that in a relationship its important for me to know that she understands me.
    I've never felt quite good with my past relationships because of this, they just dont understand my feelings nor why i am the way i am.
    I just reserve a big part of me but in the end it makes me feel bad because i dont feel they like or appreciate the real me, only the nice thing i do for them
     
  15. Bollington

    Bollington Regular Poster

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    Ooh thanks, [MENTION=3493]FamineGT[/MENTION] :whoo: (assuming this works!)

    That's a really healthy way to see family, so I'll try and follow your model. I'm in a much better place with mine than I was when I used to live with them, but it's still tough - not to forgive, more just to have a steady relationship with each of them that doesn't go crazy!

    And that list is so true! If only I could have explained that in such a clear way to my ex-girlfriend while things were going sour rather quickly... But, such is life.
     
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  16. Radiantshadow

    Radiantshadow Urban shaman

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    I am understood to the point I wish to be understood at. I've come to think of "being misunderstood" as simply not communicating in a connective manner; if you want someone to understand you, speak their language so they have no chance of missing the point. Humans are like authors: they act on what they know, so talking to them of something they don't know about is silly. People aren't perfect and generally travel at different speeds. Granted, willful ignorance isn't an excuse for intolerance and emotional belligerence; but then again, relating to people with these traits in the first place is best avoided, if possible, or they just might take you for an unplanned ride.
     
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    #16 Radiantshadow, Jan 13, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2012
  17. Odyne

    Odyne Organic

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    Because people have a hard time stepping outside their own perspective to see things as I convey them. Sometimes, they reinterpret, twist, and inject their own bias in order to make it fit in their overall comprehension of things. Projection is a difficult thing to get rid of, especially when we are unable to understand or perceive differently.

    Most of the time, I don't have a problem communicating what I want to say, and when I do I either hold my tongue or admit that I am unable to articulate in the case that saying something is absolutely necessary.
     
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  18. FamineGT

    FamineGT Regular Poster

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    [MENTION=4992]Sai[/MENTION], Ideally, it'd be nice if the partner fully understands you as a person. However, even with great communication I'm not sure if this is feasible or possible in any relationship (even for those who do say that about their partners). I understand the concept of the partner "completing" the other person though, as the qualities in one can make up for the inabilities of the other.

    I guess what I was trying to get at is that your partner should respect and accept you for your uniqueness even if they might not understand you completely. They may have a general idea of what you're thinking/going through and then it'll be up to you to explain and/or expand on it. For myself, if someone did understand me completely, there wouldn't be a need to communicate with them at all. ^^
     
  19. Sai

    Sai Community Member

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    [MENTION=3493]FamineGT[/MENTION]

    of course is not possible, but i least i would like to be accepted :)
     
  20. OP
    Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    Probably the reasons why I do things are the most misunderstood. Why it matters - probably because it affects how people see and treat me sometimes. I often don't realise until later on what people actually thought I meant or intended to do vs. what they thought or assumed I was thinking or doing. Can't expect everyone to understand you though but it helps to have a few people in our lives who make the effort to understand. It's a great way to show someone you care about them.
     
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