Okay so maybe not the most original post title, but it sums up the definition of personal boundaries. Simple and concise.
It's fairly common for INFJs to lack healthy personal boundaries. We tend towards empathy, being self-sacrificing, wanting to help/heal/fix/rescue others, giving people who probably don't deserve it the benefit of the doubt with second, third, and twentieth chances. There are other attributes we have that tend to attract dubious characters, but I think one would get the point. Make no mistake, the above qualities are positive ones, but I think sometimes we don't know where to draw that line where one person ends and we begin, and I know there are waaaay too many shady mofos out there waiting for someone like us to come along and completely erase that line. Or at least willing to move it around for them. It's a natural attraction - takers provide something givers want (someone to give to) and givers provide something takers want (someone to take from). In a perfect world, this would be a fairly innocuous, symbiotic relationship. However, in reality we have too often found ourselves in something more closely resembling victim/abuser-type relationship dynamics. And a lot of those times it's dangerously close. Narcissists and sociopaths are also naturally drawn towards empaths.
So I thought I'd open this discussion so we can talk about what healthy boundaries are, why so many of us struggle with them, and perhaps most importantly, what to do about it.
Speaking strictly for me, I remember the first time I started learning about healthy boundaries (relatively recently in fact) and thinking 'Why though?' and 'What even are boundaries?' 'Why is it a bad thing for me to be so giving, caring, loving, compassionate, understanding, tolerant, on and on ad nauseam?' and perhaps more to the point 'I'd feel worse knowing there was something I could've done to help someone, but instead chose to set or assert a "boundary" and be "selfish"'. *gasp* It was a proverbial pearl-clutching moment for me. I mean, that's just crazy talk to an INFJ, right? Yeah, an unhealthy INFJ with unhealthy boundaries at best, but in most cases none at all. I was a co-dependent doormat with a martyr complex. It's okay, though. I've forgiven myself for that. I truly thought my heart was in the right place, but was it? It's perfectly fine to want to help someone, but by continuing to help them when they refuse to help themselves is enabling their behavior. Even the abuser is abused when their abuse is allowed to continue. Maybe my intentions weren't as pure as I had always thought, and when I got really honest with myself, I realized they indeed were not. Enter co-dependency.
Even though I couldn't admit it to myself for a long, long time, one of the worst possible implications of my not being able to save someone was that my worth as a human being would be rendered questionable, if not non-existent. I depended on my ability to fix other people to determine my self-worth. Why won't they just let me love them? I need them to accept my love so that I can feel like a lovable, worthwhile individual. I depended on others to validate my worth. Hell, I can remember believing that when another disregarded my feelings, it meant that my feelings were invalid. Not in a poor, pitiful me way, but as a matter of fact. Soul death happens one compromise at a time.
Boundaries are so many things - physical, emotional, psychological - and it would be impossible for me to list them all here as they can change over time or from person-to-person. In essence though, boundaries ensure that our own needs are met. Boundaries teach others how we expect to be treated, what we will and won't accept. It's that simple, really and yet so difficult for so many. I remember asking my therapist how I should go about determining what my boundaries are and she told me that I could find them by asking myself what I need. Without missing a beat and with low affect I looked at her and said, "Who cares?" Her mouth literally dropped open. It took a while for me to be convinced that what I needed should even matter - least of all to myself.
Today I'm a recovering co-dependent and an active practitioner in self-care, self-love, and self-validation. I listen to my self when I feel hurt with compassion and acceptance now, rather than judgment. I rarely engage in negative self-talk anymore - it's been replaced by my true narrative. If you think about it, all negative self-talk stems from things that others have told us about ourselves (there's that co-dependency again). The times I catch myself doing it now are few and far between, but I nip it in the bud quickly by reminding myself that if it's not something I would say to a friend (or even a stranger for that matter), then I certainly didn't need to say it to myself. Setting and maintaining self-boundaries is a thing too. In fact, often times it's where we need to start.
Jeez this is long af, but there's so many things that we often leave unaddressed with ourselves and I thought by sharing some of my own struggles with boundaries, it would facilitate a discussion about what others' experiences have been.
Do you or have you struggled with healthy boundaries? If you feel comfortable doing so, post about your own setbacks or progress. If you don't know much about boundaries or you're part of a questionable relationship (be it with a friend, lover, family member, whatever), what are some things that you feel may help in that regard?
It's fairly common for INFJs to lack healthy personal boundaries. We tend towards empathy, being self-sacrificing, wanting to help/heal/fix/rescue others, giving people who probably don't deserve it the benefit of the doubt with second, third, and twentieth chances. There are other attributes we have that tend to attract dubious characters, but I think one would get the point. Make no mistake, the above qualities are positive ones, but I think sometimes we don't know where to draw that line where one person ends and we begin, and I know there are waaaay too many shady mofos out there waiting for someone like us to come along and completely erase that line. Or at least willing to move it around for them. It's a natural attraction - takers provide something givers want (someone to give to) and givers provide something takers want (someone to take from). In a perfect world, this would be a fairly innocuous, symbiotic relationship. However, in reality we have too often found ourselves in something more closely resembling victim/abuser-type relationship dynamics. And a lot of those times it's dangerously close. Narcissists and sociopaths are also naturally drawn towards empaths.
So I thought I'd open this discussion so we can talk about what healthy boundaries are, why so many of us struggle with them, and perhaps most importantly, what to do about it.
Speaking strictly for me, I remember the first time I started learning about healthy boundaries (relatively recently in fact) and thinking 'Why though?' and 'What even are boundaries?' 'Why is it a bad thing for me to be so giving, caring, loving, compassionate, understanding, tolerant, on and on ad nauseam?' and perhaps more to the point 'I'd feel worse knowing there was something I could've done to help someone, but instead chose to set or assert a "boundary" and be "selfish"'. *gasp* It was a proverbial pearl-clutching moment for me. I mean, that's just crazy talk to an INFJ, right? Yeah, an unhealthy INFJ with unhealthy boundaries at best, but in most cases none at all. I was a co-dependent doormat with a martyr complex. It's okay, though. I've forgiven myself for that. I truly thought my heart was in the right place, but was it? It's perfectly fine to want to help someone, but by continuing to help them when they refuse to help themselves is enabling their behavior. Even the abuser is abused when their abuse is allowed to continue. Maybe my intentions weren't as pure as I had always thought, and when I got really honest with myself, I realized they indeed were not. Enter co-dependency.
Even though I couldn't admit it to myself for a long, long time, one of the worst possible implications of my not being able to save someone was that my worth as a human being would be rendered questionable, if not non-existent. I depended on my ability to fix other people to determine my self-worth. Why won't they just let me love them? I need them to accept my love so that I can feel like a lovable, worthwhile individual. I depended on others to validate my worth. Hell, I can remember believing that when another disregarded my feelings, it meant that my feelings were invalid. Not in a poor, pitiful me way, but as a matter of fact. Soul death happens one compromise at a time.
Boundaries are so many things - physical, emotional, psychological - and it would be impossible for me to list them all here as they can change over time or from person-to-person. In essence though, boundaries ensure that our own needs are met. Boundaries teach others how we expect to be treated, what we will and won't accept. It's that simple, really and yet so difficult for so many. I remember asking my therapist how I should go about determining what my boundaries are and she told me that I could find them by asking myself what I need. Without missing a beat and with low affect I looked at her and said, "Who cares?" Her mouth literally dropped open. It took a while for me to be convinced that what I needed should even matter - least of all to myself.
Today I'm a recovering co-dependent and an active practitioner in self-care, self-love, and self-validation. I listen to my self when I feel hurt with compassion and acceptance now, rather than judgment. I rarely engage in negative self-talk anymore - it's been replaced by my true narrative. If you think about it, all negative self-talk stems from things that others have told us about ourselves (there's that co-dependency again). The times I catch myself doing it now are few and far between, but I nip it in the bud quickly by reminding myself that if it's not something I would say to a friend (or even a stranger for that matter), then I certainly didn't need to say it to myself. Setting and maintaining self-boundaries is a thing too. In fact, often times it's where we need to start.
Jeez this is long af, but there's so many things that we often leave unaddressed with ourselves and I thought by sharing some of my own struggles with boundaries, it would facilitate a discussion about what others' experiences have been.
Do you or have you struggled with healthy boundaries? If you feel comfortable doing so, post about your own setbacks or progress. If you don't know much about boundaries or you're part of a questionable relationship (be it with a friend, lover, family member, whatever), what are some things that you feel may help in that regard?
