When NTJs Are Serious | INFJ Forum

When NTJs Are Serious

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Trifoilum, Oct 5, 2010.

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  1. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    NTJs. Whether ENTJs or INTJs, they seems to have this little reputation as the coldest of the types. Especially concerning romantic relationships. Descriptions of 'emotionally stunted' or 'cold' seems to describe (most of) them.

    It's not an all-encompassing thing but I once heard an ENTJ said that moving mountains is easy for her when she wants it. Just now I saw what I'd seen as an INTJ getting serious. Out of curiosity, the question that came through my mind is; what happens when they ARE serious? Or, well, in love with the other person? What would, could, and did they do?


     
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    #1 Trifoilum, Oct 5, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2010
  2. Nixie

    Nixie Resurrected

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    I always joke and say that I will feel sorry for the guy that I actually fall in love with.

    I can't say that I have been seriously in love. I mean, I am willing to marry you love. I am very reserved and it takes quite awhile for me to decide to allow somebody close even on a friendship level. I can understand how it seems cold but I am not a Feeler. My logic and Thinking rule how I deal with the world. I must reach a point logically where I have determined that (insert name) is a likely candidate to create a deeper emotional connection with. Once that decision is made I am generally very open and deeply committed to making the relationship work. Before that point, not so much.
     
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  3. rogarn

    rogarn Community Member

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    Intimacy is not a thing i fear, but instead, that i desire. However, those that i wish to create that intimacy with are very selective.

    I have to agree with sonyab when she said, "I always joke and say that I will feel sorry for the guy that I actually fall in love with". Of course, it would be a girl for me. I don't think i have ever felt what most others describe as love, and to a certain extent am fearful of that point. I suppose that is a fear of the unknown, but its also a fear of what i will do if i ever did feel that way. Would i then drive her away? To many questions arise.
     
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  4. kita

    kita <font color=#990066>Regular Poster</font>

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    I'm with an ENTJ, and even though I sometimes feel starved for affection or attention, I don't doubt that he loves me. He's carved a place into every part of his life especially for me. With his family, friends, showers...I'm welcome to be part of everything he does if I want to, and if I'm not welcome he makes it so I will be or just does something else.
     
  5. Nixie

    Nixie Resurrected

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    I have been aware that my SO in the past have felt left out emotionally many times. I am not just an automatic cuddler or overly affectionate. Like I have said before, I am more the "thanks for the hug and it really wasn't necessary in the first place" kind of person. I know that I have done better with men who have been willing to understand that I need my space and overly touchy/handsey (in public at least) doesn't work well with me. It isn't that I don't have feelings. I am actually very very very sentimental. I am just not that way with most things or people. I actively choose with whom and what about but once I do choose, I am very driven to protect, preserve and cherish those things, people, places, whatever.

    I can relate to the original post in the whole "move mountains if I had to" comment. As an I type rather thatn an E type, you just wouldn't know I have done it until it was already done and I wouldn't bring it to your attention.
     
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  6. That Girl

    That Girl Do you have my answers?
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    I tend to lecture the people I care about. I tell them what needs to be done and the steps they need to take. It's not as if I'm trying to force them to do it, rather I'm just giving my opinion as honestly as possible because I believe they deserve that.
    I get very nervous and I always want to make sure the other person is okay. I ask "What?" a lot, as in "What are you thinking? What can I do?"
    I have a tendency to be steadfastly loyal but still biting in my honesty. I will always care for the other person but if I disagree with what they are doing then I won't help them.
    It's common for people to confuse when I like someone and when I'm just being friendly. I don't seem to change my interactions. I stay independent.
     
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  7. Macka

    Macka Newbie

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    As an INTJ, I wouldn't say I'm emotionally cold to those I care about. I'd say I struggle to understand my emotions, and I don't communicate them well at all. However, those close to me know I care about them.

    When I'm love I will offer to do a lot of things for the one I love; that's how I show someone I care, I think. For example, I'll offer to go out of my way to do things for them. Spending time together is also something that I value.
     
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  8. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    They can be incredibly silly, but they aren't good with emotional problems between them and their partners. I wouldn't consider it an issue of being serious.
     
  9. sassafras

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    That's interesting. You pretty much described, to an absolute T, what I'm like. Especially the bolded bits.
     
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  10. whynot

    whynot Newbie

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    my intj takes our relationship very seriously, but also has a hard time with the romantic stuff. when we first got together, he laid out the details... what he expects from me (consistent honesty, loyalty, trust and to not sweat the small stuff), what i should expect from him (which exceeded my already high expectations of a SO), how he handles arguments, etc. he also told me 3 months in that he wasn't going anywhere... over 2 years later, we're still going strong. basically what i'm saying is that you know they're serious when they say it. they might have trouble expressing their love with flowers and gifts, but if they tell you they love you, they're not messing around.
     
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  11. Nevermore

    Nevermore Regular Poster

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    The 'cold' reputation is just other people's misunderstanding of the NT personality. We are not unfeeling, in fact our feelings are usually so intense we can fear unleashing them. We just don't outwardly emote as others do. I would move the stars for someone I love and in the past I've rearranged my entire life just so I could be with someone I loved more. Consequently I have a similar expectation of my partners. I couldn't care less what they say because to me someone has to 'show' me how they feel, not tell me.

    Unless you are...

    Making time to be with me
    Including me in your life's plans
    Making our relationship and therefore our time together a priority

    I will think you don't care about me or the relationship enough to bother.
     
  12. OP
    Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    I think those weren't exclusive to each other.

    hmm, I found this interesting; so it's like devoted to each other?
     
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  13. Sesquipedalian

    Sesquipedalian Community Member

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    I'm an INTJ with a really well-developed feeling side. I take great pains to be sensitive to others, although I'm naturally terrible at reading other people. Over the years I've been able to better analyze others' behavior and determine the cause of it, but if I seem cold, it's because my emotions aren't "loud". They aren't right out there. When I cry (and for years I couldn't... But on rare occasion I do now, and it's a precious thing I try to embrace), I'm almost always alone. That is a side of me I'd only share with my future spouse.

    When I feel compassion, I feel it deeply. When I feel love, it overwhelms me. No one sees these things though, and I don't go around advertising them.

    I readily await the privilege of sharing a life with someone. I anticipate having a family someday, reading stories to my kids in bed, taking them to theme parks, instilling knowledge and wisdom into them, loving them as well as I can in spite of their many flaws as my parents loved me.

    So many people seem inclined to put their most personal feelings in their facebook status, or to text it to all of their friends. For me, feelings are a precious thing to be shared with those who will handle them well. Because INTJs are thinkers, we might seem robotic when we're working through something logically, or indifferent to the human element. For me I know people are the most important thing logically, but I really have to make a concerted effort to live that, because naturally I care a lot more about thoughts, arts, knowledge than people. When I'm talking to people, I have to try hard to give everyone in the group equal eye contact, to involve everyone in the conversation, to be sensitive to others' life experiences etc. It's a lot of work :p

    If you're wondering what an INTJ looks like in a relationship, well, I can tell you what I look like:
    - Reliable (I'm like this in any relationship, but if I say I'll be somewhere or do something, I'll do it.)
    - Dedicated (I don't date for "fun" or physical reasons. I don't date people who I obviously have no future with. I don't flirt with other girls. I'm in it for the end-game of marriage, so I only date people I could potentially marry someday. Therefore, I don't date much)
    - Romantic (I write poetry, music on the piano. I enjoy telling my significant other what they mean to me in a way they won't forget)
    - Thoughtful (I like opportunities to make my significant other feel special. A massage on a bad day, a sweet note, flowers, restoring that photo of her grandmother in photoshop she thought was ruined, etc.)
    - Very Very Hard-Working (To INTJs, who love projects, a relationship is the ultimate project. It's much more than a project, but the way it plays out is somewhat like one I suppose. I invest a lot of time in making special memories. I like to make an event of little date nights. The perfect movie night with a big screen TV, popcorn, soda, ice cream, the works... A hiking trip with everything planned out in advance so she doesn't have to do any work. etc.)

    Every girl I've ever dated has continued to want to date me after we broke up, presumably because I try to end relationships gracefully and they end up realizing the significance in having sabotaged our relationship after they date a few idiots. My goal in every relationship is to leave the girl better off than she started even if we break up. I feel I've done that so far.

    Feel free to ask me anything.
     
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  14. Phoenix Down

    Phoenix Down Permanent Fixture

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    *does not compute*

    No, really... I have no clue what you're talking about.

    I mean, I can see where they get their reputations for being "cold" comes from, and I know very well the steam rollers they can become when they mean buisness, but in matters of the heart?
    I'd like to know how you came to this conclusion.

    In my experience NTJs -and for that matter NTs- do the darndest things when they love.

    I find it absolutely adorable.
     
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  15. Nevermore

    Nevermore Regular Poster

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    You could say that. I've never been able to have casual sex and I've never partnered with anyone whom I didn't see as a potential life partner. Therefore when I do enter a relationship I do it mind, heart and soul and hold nothing back. If the other person does not reciprocate on the same level it's devastating to me. A lot of people can talk the talk but few are willing to really put themselves into a relationship in the way I do. If the other person isn't really into it, I walk, it's easier than trying to glue fragments of my heart back together after it's been shattered.

    If it's an INFJ thing to take their time before committing to be really sure of the other person, then it's an INTJ thing to evacuate a relationship faster than a sinking ship if they suspect the commitment isn't there. Our ability to detach and walk away to save future heartache is perhaps why people find us cold. Sort of like....how could she just walk away like that, like she never cared?. When the truth is I cared so much walking away was my only option because I could forsee only pain was going to come of it.
     
  16. Nixie

    Nixie Resurrected

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    I think the combination of Ni and Ti make it very difficult for INTJ's to commit fast to relationships. Like I said before, I am very slooooowwww to let someone close and I too require a firm commitment. I agree with Nevermore--if the likely outcome is pain, then sometimes the only choice is to walk away. I am not one to rekindle old romances or look back when I have left a relationship. Done is done.
     
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  17. Peppermint

    Peppermint Well-known member

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    Huh, you don't really sound like an INTJ.
     
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  18. Sesquipedalian

    Sesquipedalian Community Member

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    Well, my friends call me INTJ, but you can call me Mr. Mind.
     
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  19. OP
    Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    A lot --and by that I mean a LOT-- of people; mostly xxFPs tends to ask questions regarding romantic relationships that insinuates so. And I also notice that they are all stuck in the 'getting to know' phase.
    Probably related to what Nevermore had said;
    also; [MENTION=3122]Nevermore[/MENTION]; it's a great perspective to an INTJ mind. Indeed like I'd said, these quickness of cutting an unhealthy relationship had caused a lot of people to be quite surprised, sometimes even worried and/or offended by their actions (I'm sure it's also a matter of a bruised ego; how DARE s/he ignore me so suddenly like that! When I've been...);
    byreading your PoV, I'm understanding at least NTJs' reasons for doing that.
     
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  20. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    I think XXTJs typically know what they want, and that can be intense. Thinking types can have a hard time dealing with emotion in general so it may seem that they are being cold whereas internally (We are talking Fi in this instance) their emotions are incredibly intense.

    The only feeling function used by XXTJs in the top 4 functions is internal (Fi) and it is either tertiary (IXTJ; [Ni or Si] Te Fi [Se or Ne]) or inferior (EXTJ; Te [Ni or Si] [Se or Ne] Fi) which makes perfect sense as to why they can seem so cold and detached to observers.

    But why NTJ vs STJ? What is it about Ni that makes it seem worse compared to Si? Is it because Ni is less predictable?
     
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