What is (Relationship) Chemistry?

[sassafras]

Chemistry has always been a curious thing to me. What is it that makes two people click instantly? What do you think facilitates good rapport and what does it depend on? Do you think chemistry is something that you can build or fake? Have you noticed a pattern in the type of people you build chemistry with? What is your experience with it?

 

[Quiet]

I think it is literally the chemicals and the aura (spirit) between us that draws certain people together.

From a law of attraction sense- like vibrations attract like vibrations. The people that i attract in my life reflect what i am experiencing, they reflect me and i am able to see myself through them.

I feel this pull with lots of people, so often i feel compelled to approach people and learn about them. I am too curious for my own good.

In my life so far, i have had hundreds of these intense encounters. I have had so many intense friendships. There is just that intense desire to know and experience them. Many of these are not sustainable long term, but with most, the connection is instantly re-established when we see each other again.

Sometimes the pull is so strong it is physically magnetic

Sometimes there is past life elements to this- i recognise people that i have known before- there is a certain familiarity and comfort.

The thing that really makes people click immediately, and build rapport, in my opinion, is willingness to engage. A certain openess, honesty, trust and curiosity.
I feel that i can talk to anyone, especaily face to face. everyone is so interesting- i want to really know them, understand them, just because.
It is not hard to connect and communicate unless the other person is unwilling to engage.

Chemistry is something that can be built in my experience. And faked, i have been decieved by people before, i thought that there was something there and i later learned that the person was making stuff up so that i would be interested in him- so sad! I had a gut feeling about it, but i ignored it.

The pattern ive noticed is that... i really like the people in my life. They help me understand myself better and they are all fun, curious, honest, intelligent, and playful to be around. With a spiritual bent

 

[La Sagna]

I really don't think you can fake true chemistry. In my personal experience over the years, the people that I have had chemistry with are the people that I have felt were genuine and that I felt completly comfortable with instantly. It's like a kindred soul. There have only been four people in my life that I would consider to have had chemistry with, one was a much older lady who has since passed away, one was an older man that I am not in touch with anymore because he lives far away, the other two are women around my age, one I am rarely in touch with because she has a totally different lifestyle than me and also lives far away, the fourth one I had the joy to chat with last night for the first time in about a year. These are all people that have made me feel completly comfortable with them and I could feel genuinely liked me.

When it comes to romantic chemistry I don't have much experience with. Until recently I can say that I had never experienced it. I have found men attractive, nice, smart...but there wasn't anybody that I was anything more than just another guy. Last year, I experienced that type of chemistry for the first time and totally took me by surprise and was nothing like I ever thought I could feel. It was instant, overwhelming and made me feel I must be going crazy. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is that caused these feelings. He was not even somebody I would have considered 'my type' but I was totally mezmerized by him and completly comfortable at the same time. I have not come to any explanation and unfortunatly I have not been in a position to explore these feelings to the extent that I would like to but the thought of not having this person in my life makes me feel very sad. I don't think there's any intelectual explanation for this type of feeling.

 

[Trifoilum]

Chemistry has always been a curious thing to me. What is it that makes two people click instantly?

A mixture of small things that makes it pretty random, I think.
It might be how you talk. What you talk about. How much you talk.
How you look, smell, appear.
Or it could be your mind. The shape of your mind, the depth, the areas it touches, the things it knows and is interested with.
Your heart. The feelings, the emotions, the passions; their patterns, shape, structure, strength.
Your spirit. Optimism, realism, outlook on life.
Your wisdom. Experience, knowledge, lessons, perspective.
Or as @charlene said, aura.

Really, for me it's about the totality of one person reacting with the other.

And we tend to see 'chemistry' in one specific way (usually either platonic or romantic or somewhat beyond in a soul-matey way), but thinking about it I think we reacted to one another in one way or another...and the reactions are various. I might feel comfortable with you but the beating of the heart wants the other person. Meanwhile my mind is excited by another.

Sometimes we have people with which an intense chemistry are created in various areas of life, where the compatibility and reaction it creates are intense, strong, everlasting. That tend to be the chemistry people tend to imply.

What do you think facilitates good rapport and what does it depend on?

Personally it's a mixture of everything. I tend to emotionally gravitate (either crush, or interest) towards sensory elements (sight/smell, a.k.a people who look good and people who smell good).
But after I went there...it's all about the inside. The heart, the mind, the spirit. Their wisdom and outlook. Let's say, looking at the finer details.

Do you think chemistry is something that you can build or fake?

.....those who can are probably masters in it, let's just say it like that.
I think you can, but....a) I think when you try to replicate the intensity and/or sophistication in a pair with a strong chemistry...that's not an easy job. I'd wager the person would be changed as a result (think people who changed themselves to attract a certain person), and b) if that's the case, is it worth the effort?

Have you noticed a pattern in the type of people you build chemistry with? What is your experience with it?

Two parts.

One-sided chemistry (a,k.a crush) usually is started by sight or smell. But after that it's free game.
BUt Two-sided chemistry usually feels...comfortable? Yet thrilling? Like I can sit down and lay back and enjoy my time with this person, but I WANT TO KNOW MORE DANGIT.

 

[Gaze]

Cool topic.

What is it that makes two people click instantly?
- If I knew, I would bottle it and sell it to you. Not sure. I think it's an almost instant recognition of something about the person which makes you feel as if you can connect with them on a personal possibly spiritual level. I think the word to best describe it is "simpatico". This means it's not something you can always pinpoint or explain. I tend to see it as natural, something which just happens. Something which doesn't take a whole ton of effort or hard work.

What do you think facilitates good rapport and what does it depend on?
- I don't see chemistry or rapport as the same thing. I see rapport as something you can develop depending on the personalities of each person. If both have a positive attitude and are willing to work together to get something done, then you can have good rapport. Rapport is something that can be developed and is beneficial to social harmony, but it doesn't necessarily lead to connection nor does it necessarily come from chemistry. Good rapport starts with good attitude, openness to another's point of view, willingness to compromise, ease of communication, and having a pleasant persona.

Do you think chemistry is something that you can build or fake?
- Unfortunately, yes, it can be faked. I do think there are people who are gifted with chemistry with almost anyone. They know how to immediately click and relate to almost everybody. I've met enough people like this. But the tough thing about these kind of people is that if you are interested in the person, you're likely to get hurt because you may realize late that it's just a part of their personality to have that easy of communication with everyone. It's not something they necessarily reserve for special relationships. For some, they are just naturally like that with everyone. For others, they groom themselves to create that chemistry with anyone to achieve a particular goal. They are very socially smart and are very good at getting people to feel they have a personal connection with them. They can also be very good at getting people to feel that they are being seen in a personal light. It's a skill and some people have a gift for connecting with anyone. However, I only consider chemistry real when it's mutual - felt on both ends and is not shared with anyone else. I think it's great when someone can have good rapport with almost anyone, but as a partner I would hope they don't have chemistry with everyone out there. lol

Have you noticed a pattern in the type of people you build chemistry with?
- Yes, and no. Yes, in that they tend to be more easy going, relaxed, self confident, "free spirited", and atypical personalities. In other words, they're usually the opposite of me. lol Otherwise, I can't really say because I've often confused someone being nice or polite or giving special attention with chemistry. No, because sometimes, it's just something about that particular person which stands out which creates that unique connection with you. You can't anticipate it. It happens from the unique experience of meeting someone somewhere in a moment in time when both of you just click.

What is your experience with it?
-When I've often felt chemistry momentarily with a few people, I realize later there wasn't anything lasting. It was just my imagination running away with me. So I've yet to experience true chemistry. Funny enough, I'm not looking for it either. True chemistry doesn't take much effort, and honestly, much of the time I'm finding that I have to expend a lot of effort to make something work. There's way too much misunderstanding of what the feeling between two people means or can be. So, I'm a little cautious about seeking it out or looking for it.

 

[Rcs6r]

Probably literal chemistry, as we're all made of star dust anyways. But also being mentally/emotionally "on the same page" or having thought patterns that just mesh well.

 

[Trifoilum]

I have to ask;

considering chemistry with other person, have anyone here had a great chemistry with people who are....er, secure, trustworthy, and perhaps, derogatorily saying, 'boring'?

 

[La Sagna]

considering chemistry with other person, have anyone here had a great chemistry with people who are....er, secure, trustworthy, and perhaps, derogatorily saying, 'boring'?

Just curious, do you consider secure and trustworthy to be boring? I don't. Those traits keep me from worrying what stupid thing they're going to do next and cause me to have to buckle down and be responsible for all of us. When people are dependable and trustworthy I can be free to do what I want to do and not worry about them, just enjoy them.

I think all the people I have had chemistry with would be considered trustworthy and secure, that's partly what I think drew me to them. Maybe some people would find them boring, but I don't. Some people think I'm boring but that's because they are shallow and don't really know me (or they haven't seen me drunk, which I only do with people I trust).

 

[Gaze]

I have to ask;

considering chemistry with other person, have anyone here had a great chemistry with people who are....er, secure, trustworthy, and perhaps, derogatorily saying, 'boring'?

I think generally, if you have chemistry with someone, you don't usually see them as boring. But yeah, you can have chemistry with someone who is stable, calm, consistent, etc. It's about comfort level. And as [MENTION=9809]La Sagna[/MENTION] said, sometimes these are persons you can have a more substantial relationship because they're not all over the place or unreliable. Sometimes, we meet people with chemistry but no consistency. They are too "interesting" for their own good.

 

[muir]

I think we have different aspects to us and different people can connect to those

On a mental level i tend to connect with people who are open minded and seeking to understand things on a deeper level because that is essentially what i'm trying to do

On an emotional level the bonds are built on trust and shared values and also over time a history of shared experiences can also strengthen the bond

On a physical level there can be a recognition between people when they look into each others eyes...not of surface superficial ego identities but something much deeper than that....the draw of the universal man to the universal woman and visa versa. This can happen with a long term partner but it can even happen in a shared glance with a stranger on a bus.

This connection can produce sparks between people. Whether the other ingrediants for a successful long term relationship are there or not is another matter

I don't buy into the hollywood perception that we have one true love out there in the world. Thats nonsense. There are millions of people out there that each person could have a successful long term relationship with. Perhaps the more of these three types of chemistry that can be combined in one relationship the more successful that relationship will be

I watched quite a nice indie film recently that looked into the nature of long term relationships, starring Ethan Hawke (that'll get the attention of the ladies) called ''Before Midnight''

Sometimes there are bonds that will overcome all of lifes bullshit

 

[Trifoilum]

Just curious, do you consider secure and trustworthy to be boring? I don't.

No, not at all.
It's just-- I probably should have prefaced this, and I'm sorry for that-- some people tend to blend chemistry and excitement; and excitement with.....'danger'. People who break from the rules, status quo, or routine. People who are thrill-seekers. People who seeks to explore, to experiment, for whom comfort zone is a prison, not a home.

And typically the contrast with this type of people is the type of people who is secure and comfortable in themselves and who they are and what they do. Maybe trustworthy is the wrong word to say this, more like, dependable. Stable.

Usually, the confusion tend to be something like, mixing 'adrenaline' with 'chemistry'. If they are excited whenever the person in question stays / do something / etc, there can be assumptions that 'you and the person have great chemistry'. Which clearly is not always the case.

Those traits keep me from worrying what stupid thing they're going to do next and cause me to have to buckle down and be responsible for all of us. When people are dependable and trustworthy I can be free to do what I want to do and not worry about them, just enjoy them.

I think all the people I have had chemistry with would be considered trustworthy and secure, that's partly what I think drew me to them. Maybe some people would find them boring, but I don't. Some people think I'm boring but that's because they are shallow and don't really know me (or they haven't seen me drunk, which I only do with people I trust).

That is very true, and that is fine and dandy. I think to some point my mind also believes in that.
Again, my apologies for not saying it clearly.

I think generally, if you have chemistry with someone, you don't usually see them as boring. But yeah, you can have chemistry with someone who is stable, calm, consistent, etc. It's about comfort level. And as @La Sagna said, sometimes these are persons you can have a more substantial relationship because they're not all over the place or unreliable. Sometimes, we meet people with chemistry but no consistency. They are too "interesting" for their own good.

Oh god, the last one, so true.
But the rest, it's a very good thing to point. Thank you.
Agreed that it's all about comfort level.

 

[Pin]

Chemistry has always been a curious thing to me. What is it that makes two people click instantly?

Willingness to talk and continue conversation.

What do you think facilitates good rapport and what does it depend on?

Common attitudes, interests, and goals.

Do you think chemistry is something that you can build or fake?

Yeah, but that's unecessary unless you're just trying to get laid.

Have you noticed a pattern in the type of people you build chemistry with?

They're usually cerebral, think a lot, and can hold conversation well.

What is your experience with it?

I never really cared but now that I think about it, it's a very important thing to consider for establishing relationships.