What is Friendship? | INFJ Forum

What is Friendship?

Asa

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What is friendship? What do you expect from friendships? What are the qualities that make a good friend?
What qualities are unacceptable?

Do introverts have different expectations for friendship than extroverts?

It seems most people have different expectations and definitions of "friendship" and if those differences are too great, the friendship ends. However, even people who have vastly different personalities and lifestyles can maintain strong bonds of friendship over many decades if their definition of friendship is similar.
 
@Asa I think I would regard anyone who can behave in a positive manner as a friend, and I prefer to be on friendly terms with pretty much everyone I know. I always start with assumption that I can get along with nearly anyone I meet. I would say though, that I have a very small number (five) of close friends, and that is be design, and mostly I have known those people for years, often from childhood. I don't try to take on more close friends, as I don't think I could afford them the time and attention that would need/deserve.

It may well have annoyed people who wanted to get to know me better at work etc over the years, but for me there was always an element of keeping people at a polite distance, in case they ever needed my help, and I was too close to do that properly. Does that make sense? It's very hard to help someone objectively if you let them get to near.

I guess my own social circle has taken a 'knock' recently following separating from my ex. I feel bad about that, but where I have been able to, I have spoken to them, but in essence they were more my ex's friends than mine. It would only make things awkward, and might leave people feeling they had to take sides. Also? My ex is not someone who can go for long, without people around her, so she needed them far mare than I did in that sense.

For my close friends, we seem to have ended up living in different places, jobs and families etc, but even after long periods of not seeing them, it's like yesterday, when we do catch up. Some of them I am in contact with frequently, some not. I try not to have any expectations of them, except that they are honest with me, and (not in a pious way) that they remain as they were when we became friends, good people. If any of them turned up at my door at any time, it would always be open to them, and over the years we have had some great (and terrible) times and got through it. I think introverts seem to usually have fewer friends, but that the bonds are strong. My ex always seemed to be making new friends, but they usually seem to come and go, and she has had plenty of fall outs, which has rarely happened to me.

Interesting thread, I'm surprised there haven't been more responses so far.
 
There is a saying that 'nobody loves the same way" and I believe nobody friends in the same way, either.
For me, friendship is much more mysterious than love, especially with decades of growth and perspective.

My experience with friendship is more or less the same as yours @James , expect that my close friends are not all from my childhood. Most of them are from my twenties, with a few from childhood and a few from my 30's. Also, I have as many acquaintances as an extrovert, but from my perspective, we are not 'friends' in the real sense, even if I like and respect them. Sometimes they believe we are close friends, but from my perspective I am their confidant and support network. I used to have a confidant, too, and am sure the situation was the same for us.
I can get along with almost anyone, but whether they want to get along with me is their decision.

- For me, loyalty, acceptance, encouragement and support are important in friendships. I don't care if we have nothing in common beyond enjoying each other's company and those traits.
- For some of my extrovert friends, being present is most important, and they get miffed if I miss too many of their events.
- For other people I know, laughing and partying is what makes a friendship and being too serious, or getting "too real" is frowned upon.
- For a few people I know, following the rules of the status quo is paramount. I don't get along with them, even if we are related. They absolutely hate me to the point that they won't speak to me, even if nothing "bad" has happened between us.
- I know other people who are only close friends with people who wear the right clothes, listen to the right bands, and have the right tattoos. Maybe that seems shallow to some, but it is meaningful to them, partially because identity is a very personal part of their subculture.
- A lot of people from my social circle are closest with cousins, siblings, bandmates or people who share the same religion, heritage, or ethnicity.
- I've seen people throw away solid friendships for a chance at being cooler, or getting famous, or even getting the guy/girl.

I find it fascinating.
 
There is a saying that 'nobody loves the same way" and I believe nobody friends in the same way, either.
For me, friendship is much more mysterious than love, especially with decades of growth and perspective.

My experience with friendship is more or less the same as yours @James , expect that my close friends are not all from my childhood. Most of them are from my twenties, with a few from childhood and a few from my 30's. Also, I have as many acquaintances as an extrovert, but from my perspective, we are not 'friends' in the real sense, even if I like and respect them. Sometimes they believe we are close friends, but from my perspective I am their confidant and support network. I used to have a confidant, too, and am sure the situation was the same for us.
I can get along with almost anyone, but whether they want to get along with me is their decision.

- For me, loyalty, acceptance, encouragement and support are important in friendships. I don't care if we have nothing in common beyond enjoying each other's company and those traits.
- For some of my extrovert friends, being present is most important, and they get miffed if I miss too many of their events.
- For other people I know, laughing and partying is what makes a friendship and being too serious, or getting "too real" is frowned upon.
- For a few people I know, following the rules of the status quo is paramount. I don't get along with them, even if we are related. They absolutely hate me to the point that they won't speak to me, even if nothing "bad" has happened between us.
- I know other people who are only close friends with people who wear the right clothes, listen to the right bands, and have the right tattoos. Maybe that seems shallow to some, but it is meaningful to them, partially because identity is a very personal part of their subculture.
- A lot of people from my social circle are closest with cousins, siblings, bandmates or people who share the same religion, heritage, or ethnicity.
- I've seen people throw away solid friendships for a chance at being cooler, or getting famous, or even getting the guy/girl.

I find it fascinating.

@Asa that is intriguing to me, I just don't look at things the way of 'being the same' or 'being cool'. To be honest I usually have quite a reaction against that kind of thing. I think for me, the most important thing was trust and and a sense of 'connection' I think I was very lucky that I found a group of people (or we found each other) that were like that, at a relatively young age.

For me, over the years we got into and out of a few scrapes together, went on holiday abroad together at a young age, and each of us looked out for each other. Personally I found that the 'more real' it got, the closer we were. Whatever differences arose, never mattered as much as the bond we shared. It is amazing how differently some take friendship, for me some just seem to want to have someone to socialize with, and to me that's not a real friendship.

I heard something recently that really struck a chord with me, about pianists. That a good pianist will play all the right notes, in the right way and people enjoy hearing them play. But that whilst a great pianist plays all the same notes, they find and respect the silences in between, so that people love the music, not just the performance. Maybe that doesn't quite cover it, or sounds a bit 'arty' but I think there is maybe something similar in friendships. It goes far beyond what is said. Maybe that's a little earnest, but I I think the longer they last, the more you treasure them.
 
Majority of my friends are gone. I have always had friendships with people older than myself. I do have three around my own age, but we've been friends since childhood. I keep people at a distance after initially meeting them. I've often opened up with bits of the personal me...but that usually backfires and I inject the distance. I'm helpful and supportive with them...and our encounters are typically about them. But, generally we stay aquaintances not true friends. One gal-pal I have (we've been friends about 43 years) calls me sister but not friend. She claims she doesn't know me really because I'm quiet about my business. I don't think we really ever know another completely.
 
@James, I like the piano analogy. Thank you for sharing. (I'm a "bit arty", so I like it.)
I agree, too, and my best friendships are similar.

@Sandie33 :( I'm sorry your friends are gone. On the forum you seem so kind, warm and friendly (though I get how you could be reserved IRL) and so, I wish you had more friends who really understood you deeply.
I agree that nobody ever really knows us completely.
 
@James, I like the piano analogy. Thank you for sharing. (I'm a "bit arty", so I like it.)
I agree, too, and my best friendships are similar.

@Sandie33 :( I'm sorry your friends are gone. On the forum you seem so kind, warm and friendly (though I get how you could be reserved IRL) and so, I wish you had more friends who really understood you deeply.
I agree that nobody ever really knows us completely.
Thank you for your kind words @Asa :) however, here also I've experienced the same as out in the street reality. I've put myself out here too only to have it tank. I've come to accept such things as a part of life. I relish the uniqueness in folks, yet remind myself these are the very things that makes us all unique.
 
It just takes time for the forum to warm up. INFJs are reticent by default, so it is no different online. It is made doubly awkward when we're discussing personal topics with strangers. Haha. :)

I hate everyone.
Me, too. Let's form a gang.
 
I agree with @James . Trust and connection is what is required.
Trust has many elements:
- being a vault - which includes them being other's vaults.
- letting me in after a while
- asking me for help when needed
- helping me when needed
- similar core values
- being comfortable with silences
- telling me how it is, if it will forward my life, even if I don't like hearing it
- seeing the world in a similar way to me
 
Sorry, I don't have time right now to read the answers - I will.

First, thanks for asking this question.
In my point of view, a friend is someone who takes enough time to understand you (that's to say, a long, long time..), who respect your differences and who can forgive your weaknesses.
Also, usually, the people I can call "friends" are the people with who I can stay in the same room during a long time without feeling the need to talk; in other words, people with who I don't feel the need to fill the empty space because there's no empty space like there would be with other people. I guess that means a friend is someone with who I have a strong connection, beyond words and appearances.
I think in a lifetime, you get to meet very few people with who this can happen, with who you can REALLY get on well. With who you can developp a real bond, someone with who you feel since the start that there's something special happening, someone you feel like you can trust since the start.
I can't become friend out of some shallow conversations and meetings. I need years of mutual discovery and understanding before I can consider someone my friend. But it's far from being an easy task since social interactions consume most of my energy (even being here on the forum since I feel like what I write is going to be read by strangers and probably interpreted another way that I'd like) and since, as I said, you get to meet very few people with who this can happen.

I wonder though, is it easier for an INFJ to build a friendship with another INFJ? Do they make good friends in general?